When I had to tell my daughter that I had miscarried, she asked me why God would give us a baby just to take it away. My daughter is intelligent and has every right to ask questions like that. When I let her know the many reasons why we were experiencing what we were, never did I imagine that I would soon see the light to the situation.
There are so many times in life that we go through something only to wonder why, and never really finding out until long after the event has passed. But sometimes, we're giving the opportunity early on which may be a way of saving us as well as healing us.
The blog I've been writing and sitting on through this whole thing is taking forever to finish because I'm forced to actually deal with and relive every excruciating moment of what happened. And it's hard to do when life doesn't give you enough time to do just that. Life is demanding, it keeps going, and I usually always put my stuff on the back burner to deal with everything else around me. Maybe some day it will get finished, published, and shared to help others.
It's almost a full month since the miscarriage was confirmed. I had reached out to the person who I conceived with a couple of times looking for some sort of support; let's call him Roger. None of my attempts were successful, in fact each time I tried, he simply made the entire thing about him. And then this moment hit. I had reached my limit with suffering and grieving alone, I was tired of being ignored, and I am so frustrated that my body is still expelling things and it hasn't gone back to normal.
My message was straight and to the point, I expressed my disappointment in his behavior as well as asked him if he even gave a shit. That was when I got the response of a lifetime. He proceeded to blame me for the whole situation. He made it a very clear point that he didn't want anything about this loss or pregnancy to effect his "new" relationship, and how he felt that by sharing my experience and the loss on any forum was "attention seeking" on my part. Mind you, this "new" relationship times up pretty closely to when he was also asking me for exclusivity, more than once. The irony was I refused to settle down with him because he's a known adulterer.
It was a very clear message that he wants to hide from this as well as wanted me to suffer in silence. To say I am appalled, dumbfounded, and pissed are not even close to how I really feel.
For 20 years I have been friends with this guy. For 20 years I have stuck by him, encouraged him, defended him, and even waited out periods of silence while he allowed others to drag my name through the mud. Every single time someone bad mouthed him I either ignored it or stuck up for him. I know so much about his past, his addictions, his marriage and divorce, and his sexual endeavors. I never once thought bad of him and never thought I could. And now here I am wondering who the hell I have been friends with for the last 20 years.
I also can't wrap my head around how I deserve this now from him. I can't understand how he thinks that by blocking me on all accounts and by ignoring me, that this whole situation disappears and never happened. I almost cannot even formulate how much shock I am in right now.
I know that a miscarriage is a private thing that happens, I know that it's personal and taboo to talk about; but I also know that isn't me. If I hadn't been sharing my experience, I wouldn't know what to expect, I wouldn't know that active labor was going to happen, I wouldn't know that clots bigger than pads were normal, and I wouldn't know that I wasn't alone in this from both male and female friends. I share because maybe someone else out there is feeling alone too or maybe they've never had to experience this and have no idea what to expect. Maybe someone out there doesn't classify with a "typical" miscarriage. No one should ever have to feel like this, ever!
So Roger, let me say this. Ignoring a situation doesn't mean that it didn't happen. I am sad for you and all the women to come that you are not only going to hurt but who are going to beat themselves up because by the end they will know you deceived them. I'm sorry for all the friends we share who will continue to think you're a decent guy even though your true colors have shown, and I will put hope into the women you've left in the wake of your completely self-centered, self-motivated lifestyle.
Roger, what you chose to ignore was a life. It was the loss of a life. It was the fact that for five weeks without knowing it I carried around a dead child, I endured many days of debilitating pain, I passed clots that are traumatizing and lost blood that nearly put me back in the hospital; if only I weren't so stubborn. And I was the one who had to endure actual active labor, without the blessing of a baby at the end, just so things would pass because my body realized there was no longer a viable life growing inside - and I did it all the while you ignored the situation. And those are just the smallest parts of what I had to go through and the things you wanted me to suffer through in silence.
And Roger, unfortunately for you I believe in both God and Karma and you sir have made your bed with both. And I know now why God has given me this experience. I know He wants me to see the truth where I wasn't able to, I know He wants me to understand that not all males are meant to be fathers, and I know He doesn't want me to raise another child with a piss poor example of what a man should be.
