Like a Dollar

Music is a powerful gift and comes in so many different forms and languages, as Adele puts out a new song, 'Hello', it says a lot. As I'm sure it will get old quickly as most overplayed things do, but at the moment, for anyone who connects to it and can understand it, the amount of remorse that is amplified within that song is what so many not only feel, but also want to hear from someone. I've seen that most people love the song, understandably so, with a few that just don't like it.

For those that don't like it, I wonder about them. I wonder what guilt they're trying to run away from. What apologies that should give, or what apologies they're denying they'd want to hear. It's completely unfair to let someone fall for you and then just simply walk away from them. That's a total mistreatment of another soul. To be an adult, is to explain yourself, to apologize for your wrongdoings, and to ask for forgiveness. I personally have had to apologize to people I have wronged; sometimes they accept it, sometimes they just ignore me. That's something they need to deal with within themselves, I however have cleared my guilt for hurting someone. As I should, because it's wrong.

What angers me though is when you knowingly deceive someone to gain an advantage with them. You may use the past you've had with them to play into their want to have a future with you, you may use they're interests, passions, or faith to get your foot in the door; whatever it may be, it's wrong to use someone and then just simply walk away from them only because you had something inside you short circuit and it was nothing that that other person did. I am terribly hard on myself when I fall for someone, I let them in, and then just out of nowhere they walk away; only to come back at some other time to tell me that they short circuited. I mean...your bad? I don't know what to say to that; if you did it once, in some cases more than once, you'll do it again. I don't want that, I don't want that uncertainty looming over me constantly.

Being right with myself, with my Lord, and with my past is what I've been working really hard on. I'm embarrassed of where I've come from and the things I've done. But that's exactly how I know that I've grown up too, and I've grown as a person, and I've grown as a woman. My past was shameful, but I've learned from it and I want to be better than it, even more, I want to be someone whom my daughter admires.

I know my true friends would like to see me find someone, I mean heck I'd like to find someone; cuddles aren't so great in a bed of one. But for the time, my life is still really good. I have great things to look forward to, one especially being Delila's future as we've started talking about colleges. If and when my time comes for someone special, I'll promise you this, it will be great and it will be cherished, but it has to be right by God.

Single isn't so bad, you can still have companionship without being in a relationship, and frankly, I've got some great companionship's with my friends. 

Osage

It's so easy to razz someone when you know nothing about who they are. I don't like traditional holidays, I haven't for some time now, but when Jeremy died, that was the breaking point for me. Not only does no one really know what most holidays are even about, but for 11 years I've had to fight with an ex over time with our daughter; he feels he should have her every holiday for the entire day without any contact with me, and now, let's be honest, I want my effin brother! That's all I want, that's all I ever want, all the time. When someone complains about something so completely irrelevant to real problems, all I want to say is 'well I want my brother back, life is what it is'.

You may think I'm trying to make a statement or what have you, but in reality, I'm usually alone on holidays, even if I'm with people. When you lose someone so incredibly close to you, your entire existence changes. Talking to my mom last night, she asked what my plans were and when I said nothing she said, well you can come up here but I won't be home most of the day. Um, hey thanks...?

Don't get me wrong, I do partake in the traditional holidays as almost everyone does, I just do it on my own time. Dinner was at my mom's last weekend, and this weekend is at my dad's. I want to be me, and not be forced into a position or crowd just to make it easier for everyone else. Even in high school, I "fought" against being herded into class rooms like cattle.

It's not about being difficult or breaking rules, it's just that I like to make my own path in life. And there is nothing wrong with that. You can be an individual without making a negative impact on the world.

I don't think stores that are open on Thanksgiving 'hate families', I think it's good for people who may not have families, who may be alone, who may not have plans and still want to feel like a normal person when they aren't partaking in what events most people are. Everyone comes from a different life, everyone has different circumstances surrounding them, and not everyone has the exact same thing going for them as the next.

So when you're sitting around the table, when you're teaching your kids, when you're being gluttonous, do you know why you get to do that? Do you know how you got to have the day off work and do you know what you're "thankful" for? Columbus stumbled upon North America because he was lost, and when he saw the Native Americans he called them Indians because he thought he was in India. Columbus wasn't looking for it, he was a man, who was lost, and took what wasn't his.

Against the grain

Seven months I've been on the wagon, and I think I'm finally at the stage where I'm okay with it. I spend more time giving people my questionable face than I do giving them my wanting face. I'm not in the least bit sorry for people feeling uncomfortable around me for the last 7 months, and I'm not the least bit sorry that they've missed out on my life because they can't find the balance of hanging out because I don't drink anymore.

I am finding though that people are now at the point where it's 'time for me to start drinking again' per their schedules. The offers for my favorites and the ideas that I'd like to 'hang out' at a bar are becoming common place again. I'm not sure where these people have been, except right next to me, but this isn't the 7 inning stretch or the 7 year itch (see what I did there), I'm good; actually I'm great not drinking. The only thing that I am finding hard to maneuver is actual dating. Do you realize that almost every single person drinks, and almost to excess? Probably not because you might be one of them. It's cool though, to each their own; I am not here to judge anyone.

The same as I don't want to be with someone who smokes, I don't want to be with someone who drinks. It's just a crutch that I'm willing to walk away from in my life, and the temptation of having it around is something I just don't want. I now understand why sparks from the past didn't develop with people who I knew that didn't drink while I did.

Society and the media has us so warped to thinking that to survive, to deal, to socialize, and to function, we must drink. Take paint nights for example, I really want to do them but their focus is 'come drink and have a good time'. Pardon me, I am very capable of having a good time without drinking, could you host a night of just painting and socializing as an alternative? Target to add drinking while shopping? Explain to me why that is even necessary.

I'm still early on this path in my life so I've still got a long way to go, but finding people whom I can share this ground with is something I very much look forward to.

Judge and Jury

This morning on my way into work I had to swing into Walgreens to pick up one thing. As I walked in the doors, two ladies behind the counter very nicely welcomed me. I grabbed my one item and got to the register where they were as I walked in. 

The cashier asked me if I had gotten my flu shot yet or recently. I informed her that I don't get flu shots. 

*gasp, I know*

She of course asked me why not, as I'm sure that's her job. As I'm getting to my wallet I simply said it was for personal reasons. 

The air quickly left the room for the second woman standing there, a manager I believe. So the cashier says, "Oh, no reason". I corrected her and said that I said it was for personal reasons to which she countered with, "then I won't ask". I gave a light chuckle and said that I would be late for work if we discussed it. 

Here's where my issues is. I have a very good feeling that those ladies very quickly classified me as an anti-vaxer. While that's not something I'll get into in this blog, it does bother me that people are so quick to be the Judge and jury for people whom simply keep encounters short and cordial. 

My reasons for not getting the flu shot are of many, but none are about being an anti-vaxer. I've seen so many close to me for many different reasons get the flu shot every year, and every year they get sick. Not just flu or cold sick, but upper respiratory, nearly hospitalized, sick. Also, I quite like having the flu. Twisted I know but I'd take that any day over a head cold. As an optional measure of precaution, I would rather just not get a flu shot. Plus I haven't had the flu in 9-10 years so I'm okay going against the grain. 

I don't like labels, I don't like being classified, and I don't like being boxed in. So the next time someone is being polite yet trying to get to their job on time, please be careful of your judgements. 

We All Bleed Red

I will be the first to admit that I am not very politically educated. Which is only a choice of my own and not something that I need to be scolded for. I am however making up for my past by bettering my future. However, I cannot seem to get into a conversation with people whom have the mentality that if France had gotten involved when the US went to war with the Taliban, we wouldn't be here. It's almost victim shaming, and frankly it's embarrassing that anyone would say it.

As a country in 2001 we didn't think Bush was doing the right thing, in hindsight, he did exactly what he should have done to defend this country. As far as France's decision to not get involved, at the time, they thought it was the best decision for them. I do not believe that what happened to them two nights ago, wouldn't have happened if they had come to our defense. It probably would have happened regardless. Although France denounced our decisions to go to war, they hurt with us; they felt our devastation and they mourned with us as we figured out how to overcome. Now we must do the same for them. And if they need us to back them in eradicating the evil, we should be there to do so. Even though we proved we wouldn't stand to be attacked, we are still at risk of it happening again, more often than we'd like to give notice to.

While we now have mutual pain to share with France, we cannot deny them our help when they need it. Doing so isn't how we should respond as humanity hurts. We need to come together and help those that hurt and defend those that are being attacked. Just as at home we have Anti-Bullying going on, the same holds true for this planet; we all have homes and families, and when the chips are stacked, no one wants to feel alone.

I had a conversation with a friend in France tonight and there's even more I didn't know that was going on, however she was grateful for the compassion and support that is being sent their way. We need to continue to do that, and we need to continue to work diligently on protecting and bettering humanity, because that's what this is, an attack on humanity and it cannot be tolerated.

This picture is exactly where we are as a whole, as a planet, and as humanity.

Fixing Tomorrow

In recent events, the internet was swamped with a debate over a cup some corporate company put out. I stayed as far away from that nonsense as possible. The ignorance that was spewing over a cup was intolerable. The simple fact that anyone feels they should get the religious foundation out of something they're just going to discard anyway, is just stupid to put it simply. If you want to hold firm to your beliefs and if you want God to be in your life, only you can put him there. Your heads are so far up your butts, you've lost focus of reality.

And then Paris happened.

I'm starting to feel like terrorists are like spoiled children. If you think about it, they certainly act very much the same. They feel entitled, they act like complete brats who destroy things to get attention, and then that's just what we give them, the attention they want. I'm sure it's also the way we handle them, with such kid gloves. Take no mercy on those who feel that they can walk into anyone's home country and destroy it. Trying to make a statement, trying to install fear into other countries, and trying to get the world to focus on them is pathetic. Absolutely shut down the borders, absolutely storm their country and hunt them down, absolutely execute them on site. I support our military and I know when it come to a head, many men and women will do what they need to to protect the USA and any other country that is being threatened without cause. I can't understand that when the terrorists attack our Presidents puts on kid gloves and has the "let's not point fingers" attitude. Absolutely point fingers, especially when they're standing in front of the world saying it's them, when they tell you who will be their next target. Refuse entrance into our country and go after the wicked in the world, do not coexist with it.

I have friends in Paris and I'll never be more grateful than for them being able to check in safe on Facebook. 

When the US was attacked in 2001, we went on the defense immediately. We went to war, we defended ourselves, and we went after the responsible parties. We didn't stop until we made it clear that we will not be victims and we will not tolerate being bullied in our country. There may have been a lot to disagree with when President G.W. Bush was in office, but there's so much more to disagree with when it comes to Obama. He should have never been allowed to be voted in. The country is warped on the idea of popularity and not on the power of knowledge. I personally don't think anyone should be allowed to run for Presidency who hasn't served in the military. It should be a rule as much as being a citizen, although that prerequisite seems to be fading as well. Obama seems like a nice enough guy, but to be the leader of the free world, he doesn't have what it takes.

Go back to the basics. In God We Trust. Put religion back into focus everywhere, it's where our country started. If you or anyone doesn't like it, the planet is a very big place and I'm sure you could find somewhere to rest your head other than here. Support our military, regardless if you disagree because at the end of the day, they give you the power to do just that and disagree. We could have militants who execute you for having an opinion, that is an option. And damn it! Where is the Pledge of Allegiance?! I understand that as a child and being naive to things was they way it was but we're adults. Get educated, get empowered, and take a stand. Terrorist attacks or shootings in our backyards, enough has got to be enough already!

Wait for it

For years I've cried more than any one human should over the frustrations of my circumstances with Don. I've begged and pleaded with God to intervene. When it kept going, I only asked God to soften Don's heart. When it kept going, I asked God to soften my heart but strengthen my spirit. 

When you're not looking, is when God appears. Something has been slowly developing and while I hadn't said anything and have been trying to navigate it alone, Don caught wind of the situation and for the first time ever, Don and I agree on something and are on the same page with parenting. 

I take it for what it is. I won't expect it to stay but I'm grateful that after 11 years, there is some hope in knowing it is possible. 

Tonight I have tears of relief. It's been 4 days, but you have to start somewhere. 

The Lord my God never fails.