Avoid the Homicide of Online Dating

I always go back and forth with online dating, sometimes I'm all into it and sometimes I'm rocking myself in the corner hiding after yet another terrifying experience. The latter is where I'm at today. I tried this time, a different online dating site because somehow I let that little voice tell me that good ones are hiding, just on "different" sites. That little bitch is a liar and for that, I have learned the final lesson in online dating - just don't do it. Let me set the scene. 

I recently joined a site and started talking to someone who lived in Lisle, a bit of a distance from me but then again everyone is at this point. So we started talking or rather texting and within the first two days there were red flags that I SHOULDN'T have ignored. After my last round of online dating and being completely catfished and lied to by a guy in Dekalb, I joked with this guy, we'll call him Kyle, and said "you aren't hiding any battery charges or anything are you". He laughed and said no and I asked the same about me, I told him about my DUI and we discussed it a little and the issues with Jeremy dying that brought me to that point in my life. There is one thing, I will never lie about who I am or where I've come from; it's what's shaped me into who I am today. I also told him how I then went on to get sober and things were cool from there. We talked about any drugs or alcohol, because I also found out a previous guy I was talking to was a pretty good fan of drugs and drinking which doesn't mess well with someone who is trying to be sober in life. 

If you haven't caught on yet, I seriously need to stay off of online dating sites. 

By day two this guy was dropping the "L" word in places where they clearly didn't belong. I worked for a while to keep him under control and not move too fast. I kept bringing up trying to go out and meet in person which was just a grueling task. He worked, but mostly I believe from home and the busiest his days got was his chiropractor appointments. As we continued to talk, he became more and more possessive, demanding, and controlling. We still hadn't met in person and I had to cross check him more than a couple of times and put him back in his place. Example, if I didn't respond to his text, whether it didn't warrant a response or I didn't respond quick enough, he would text me over and over and call me until I did respond. It was a bit much for me or for anyone at that. 

So I tried on three occasions to meet up with him to no avail. Yesterday we were suppose to have lunch but once I realized we weren't going to, I sent him a text letting him know that I've tried to meet up three times and I'm done asking. A little back and forth about how I'm no longer interested in meeting up and the following exchanges took place. 

At this point, he's lied about battery charges three times as well as a DUI charge. I've expressed to him at least three times that I am not interested in pursuing this anymore. 

Disregard my terrible grammar in the text, my brain was working far faster than my fingers. 

This is now the fourth denial of the battery charges against him. 

This is about where you know it's going to go down hill very soon.

This is the first mention of an actual date by him. And his dad? Cancer? He said his dad split long ago and his mom was divorced from his abusive step dad. First mention of his dad and his dad having cancer. It's questionable and said in poor taste if it's not true. And he's a guest at a wedding this weekend. I don't know how that can be stressful.

I figured a no thank you after the three times I told him I wasn't interested anymore was polite but to the point. Man was I wrong!

1. Not an alcoholic but nice try on turning my honesty against me. 2. Not actually a slut because I wouldn't sleep with you even though you wouldn't stop trying for it. 3. Not a whore either but how very kind of you. 4. My skin?! You've NEVER met me and have limited pictures of me. What the hell is that last ditch effort?? 5. Also, is the addict word in means to my DUI because again, it's irrelevant and an improperly used term. 

Ladies, let me just tell you a wee bit of advice when it comes to online dating, other than just don't do it. Google. Always Google!! No one is exempt from Google first off, second if by chance there's limited information on said person, search the county clerk records for whatever town they currently reside in. You'd be amazed at what you find. I'm sure that many find this to be way too much or creepy as Kyle called it, but I'm a single mom with a preteen daughter, there isn't any way I wouldn't be searching all over the internet to find out who someone is. And case in point, this bold face liar right here. If he was this verbally abusive with someone he didn't really know, I can't even begin to imagine what a relationship would have been like with him. I for sure would have, at some point, been stabbed 112 and had my body set on fire by him. I refuse to be a headline on Dateline. 

As I went to bed last night, I laid my head down and felt a sliver of the old me deep down inside that questioned why I wasn't crying after someone was so horribly mean to me. Then I realized that who I was so long ago, how I let words effect me, is no longer who I am today. People like this, no matter how disgusting they are don't deserve my tears, frustration, nor pain. He's a fart in the wind and my life will continue to be beautiful and joyous without him in it. I wish him well but I hope that no woman ever falls victim to his behavior.

Invitation Revoked

As the year winds down, I think my effort to extend invitations is doing the same. For those close to me, they know that for years I’ve made vocal complaints about the lack of hand written invitations, as well as the lack of people returning the proper RSVP in time for such invitations. I know we’re consumed with all of the digital media of today, but losing the art of sitting down and hand writing something to someone is a sad reality. Not only is it an incredibly thoughtful gesture, but I believe it stimulates a lot of intellect within us. My initiative to withhold invitations going forward stems from these four points.

1.       Your read receipt is on

For those of you with iPhones and your read receipt on, know that when someone asks you a question or extends an invitation and you read the text and never bother to answer them, the party on the other end knows. For those of you on Android, sure there is no read receipt, however one still knows when you’re ignoring the question. What’s the point in ignoring someone who simply asks to hang out? It’s incredibly rude to start with, and there is no shame at all in just saying “I can’t”. We’re adults, it’s okay to simply decline.

2.       You can’t lie with social media

When someone asks you to do something or asks you out, and you lie directly to them, you better be willing to see that lie out until your grave arrives. There are so many social media outlets available to us now that if we choose to lie to someone to get out of just telling them no or the truth, but then post something to social media that completely contradicts what we’ve lied about, it has multiple effects. First if makes the receiver of the lie feel like shit (good job a-hole), second you risk ruining that friendship and your reputation as a decent human being, and third you get caught. You get caught and you simply are just an idiot and a jerk then for it.

3.       Side stepping yes or no

Telling someone that you’ll think about their invitation is just the same as the two other points above. Saying yes or no really isn’t that hard, in fact they are some of the very first words that we acquire to our human language. If you have zero interest in an invite, you should just start with a no instead of tying up someone else’s schedule while they wait for you to decide. They’ll move on, make other plans, and then when you do decide you want to accept, you can’t get frustrated with them.

4.       You’re the blue orange

Being that friend who is argumentative about every single topic is completely exhausting for everyone around you. This also encompasses the constant complainer. Over the years I’ve refined this points of frustration. The constant complainer is one who never ever takes a single step towards correcting whatever bug has crawled up their butt this time, and the persistent argument over everything under the sun is completely exhausting to be around. Conversations are never positively stimulating nor a productive use of anyone’s time.

At some point we all just need to grow up. We need to own our words, say what we mean and mean what we say. Pussyfooting around in life has greatly weakened people and we need to grab life back by the balls and man up. If you have no interest in someone or an invite, say it. If the person wants to know why or more details, that’s okay they have a right to ask; and if at that point you can do it, by all means, continue to be honest with them. Telling the truth takes a lot less time to remember and keep track of than lying right to someone’s face and attempting to not get caught.

Parental Rights Should Have Limitations

On the heels of a very tough couple of days recently as a mother, I've found the very first notebook I started to keep after I initially left Don. As if the uprising of concern for my daughter's safety and well-being isn't gut wrenching enough right now, to look back on all of this that started almost 12 years ago makes me physically ill. There are many things in the notebook that I remember all too well, I remember the torture I was trying to get through and I remember the endless nights curled up in a ball allowing someone to make me feel worthless. Some of the things I wrote about I had forgotten about, but show true to his character and show that even after nearly 12 years, he is the exact same person that I chose to walk away from. That alone, is a tremendously sad fact. 

As my daughter grows older, she becomes wrapped into the verbal abuse by her dad that I've taken the brunt of all this time. I've been struggling with this for years that I can't protect her from his words. At first I couldn't protect her from his words he would use towards me in front of her, and now I can't protect her from his words towards both me and her. Not a single Judge will ever listen to me about him, nor make him get the proper counseling to be both a good parent and a good co-parent because everyone is stuck on "father's rights". As she's getting older, his verbal threats to physically harm her have increased both in volume and in descriptive nature. Even still, because he makes three times what I make, he's allowed to get away with it. 

The notebook I started had it's first penned entry in July of 2005 and went in and out of entries up until July of 2009. Ironic it was almost to the exact date, four years apart. In those four years, it was a clear documentation of his abuse, his failure to spend time with our daughter, and the preset to what my life is today with him in it. Although I've worked tirelessly to build myself up and refuse to allow him to threaten me, abuse me, or degrade me, it's something that he still works on doing on a daily basis if he can.  

As I re-read every entry, every line, and every word I could remember each of those moments and reflect on how far I've come. I remember thinking that there was no way I would survive it, that I couldn't possibly withstand under that kind of control and abuse; but here I am, here I am happier than ever and stronger than ever. My heart breaks over the relationships I've lost along the way due to his continual stress and pressure put on my life, I'm sad over the people who walked away or were ran out of my life because they knew they didn't have to stick around to deal with it, and I am forever in debt to those that have stuck around and been there for me. 

There is nothing that will make him behave better as a human being or as a father, but my life and my daughter's life, are well over the hump and on our way into a controlled free future within just a few short years. If anything could have been different over the years, it would have been that someone would have made him go through a lot of counseling, both for anger and for parenting. Someone would have stood up with me and understood that not all parents should be allowed the same rights when it's harmful and detrimental to a child. Not every child is benefited from having both parents in their lives. I have never and don't ever aim to run Don completely out of her life, that's not my goal nor the proper way for me to be a mother, however I wholeheartedly believe that his parental rights should have had strong limitations until he proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that his only interest and his best interest was for our daughter and our daughter alone. With that being said, I know now this late in life that that simply will not ever happen because this my friends isn't the story of David and Goliath. I will however rest in my final days of my life knowing that all I ever did and wanted to do was put my child first. That I worked tirelessly to always do right by her even during the times I failed at it. I want her to be able to have a healthy and loving relationship with her dad and not one where she crumbles under the name calling, criticism, and threats. 

Everyone's baby drama story is different, I know that, but I want others to think before they stand up on their soap boxes and scream about father's rights. I know too that the pendulum swings in the other direction as well with women being horrible mothers, but I want them to know that not all fathers work towards the best interest of their children but instead work years upon years to use them as pawns in order to wreak havoc and chaos on the lives of women whom simply have left them scorned. 

For women who are in similar spots as myself know that you are not alone. You will survive and you will thrive if you just keep your heart, mind, and goals focused on raising the best human beings you can. The hardest statement to this day is still, "I don't know how you do it". I simply cringe at that statement because my life has no other option. I have a child who needs me, I chose to have her which is my commitment to always be there for her, provide for her, and raise her to be a good and decent human being. To say you don't know how I do it is foolish because I just do it.

LOVE MUST BE SINCERE.

HATE WHAT IS EVIL;

CLING TO WHAT IS GOOD. 

~ Romans 12:9