No Space

I’ve talked about this before but I feel like I need to talk about it again. Maybe more so for myself this time.

We all have a voice inside of us that tries to rent negative space. It’s that small voice that tells us we aren’t good enough, that we will ruin something, that we won’t succeed. And every time it pops up and we acknowledge it, we’re allowing it to pay rent and occupy space. But if we reject its attempt to pay rent, if we counteract it with a truth we know - we are good enough, what happens doesn’t mean we ruined something, or that with determination we will succeed; we’re giving that voice it’s eviction notice.

 

I know it's hard. It's hard to shut down any kind of negative in life because it seems like negativity breeds negativity; and I can see or understand a temporary rental but please don't ever lease the space inside of you to that voice. Don't allow it to tear you down. Don't allow the words that others say be the currency for your voices rent money. Don't compare yourself to others because then you're just adding a roommate. 

 

 You have come so far in life, even if your greatest accomplishment today was getting out of bed. Dig deep if you have to in order to recognize all the amazing things that you have done, and just how amazing you truly are. Because at the end of the day, that negative space inside your head will eventually stop trying to rent space if you keep finding all the good that is YOU. And if you don't see any of this in yourself, let someone else see it in you, for you. 

 

 "Are you going to let one brick break down a great masterpiece?" - JG 

 

 

 

 

What Is The Future Without Children?

Yesterday students across the nation took part in a walkout to use their presence and their voices to stand up against the far too many lives that have been lost due to school shootings. Every student that participate took 17 minutes out of their day, their education, and took 17 minutes to reflect on the magnitude of the situation we’re facing in this nation. Those 17 minutes signified the 17 lives so tragically lost on February 14 in Florida at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.

 

When I first got an email from the middle school principal letting parents know that they were anticipating student participation, like many other parents, it opened up for conversation with my daughter.

Okay so I may have ended it before it started but we eventually got there. I told her I didn’t want her participating in the walkout which only ensured I got an onslaught of attitude and sass about how she doesn’t get to make her own decisions.

Welcome to 13.

I wanted to have a conversation about it but she just wasn’t having it. I proceeded to send her to school with a note giving her permission to participate if she wanted to, which she was shocked about. I told her she had a choice to make and the only reason I didn’t want her to participate was because as people, we need to think, ‘will my actions help solve a problem or will they create more issues’ and that’s where I wanted her to think.

My daughter did end up participating in the walkout, to no surprise to me. I never brag but I’ve done it right, that girl would stand up for anybody and does stand up for everybody. There weren’t many from her school that participated, but she was able to make a choice and afterwards our conversation happened.

The safety of our children when they aren’t at home is on the line more than ever and that's a horrible thing to think about. I am not anti-gun and I'm not here for a heated debate, in fact I just applied to get my FOID card (just a delayed process on my end) and I enjoy the range. However, it is beyond clear that as a nation we are doing something horribly wrong and it’s costing the lives of our children at a rapid rate.

My former high school also participated in a walkout. That participation consisted of so many students that they were able to send a very clear message as seen in the photo below. And while my daughter’s middle school may not have had that many participants, she felt that the school heard them. They are now going to teach kids about mental health.

 

We need to first stop fighting with each other and instead fight for a betterment - together.

 It’s the only way any real change will ever happen.

 

 

 

Twenty and None

When I had to tell my daughter that I had miscarried, she asked me why God would give us a baby just to take it away. My daughter is intelligent and has every right to ask questions like that. When I let her know the many reasons why we were experiencing what we were, never did I imagine that I would soon see the light to the situation.

There are so many times in life that we go through something only to wonder why, and never really finding out until long after the event has passed. But sometimes, we're giving the opportunity early on which may be a way of saving us as well as healing us.

The blog I've been writing and sitting on through this whole thing is taking forever to finish because I'm forced to actually deal with and relive every excruciating moment of what happened. And it's hard to do when life doesn't give you enough time to do just that. Life is demanding, it keeps going, and I usually always put my stuff on the back burner to deal with everything else around me. Maybe some day it will get finished, published, and shared to help others.

It's almost a full month since the miscarriage was confirmed. I had reached out to the person who I conceived with a couple of times looking for some sort of support; let's call him Roger. None of my attempts were successful, in fact each time I tried, he simply made the entire thing about him. And then this moment hit. I had reached my limit with suffering and grieving alone, I was tired of being ignored, and I am so frustrated that my body is still expelling things and it hasn't gone back to normal.

My message was straight and to the point, I expressed my disappointment in his behavior as well as asked him if he even gave a shit. That was when I got the response of a lifetime. He proceeded to blame me for the whole situation. He made it a very clear point that he didn't want anything about this loss or pregnancy to effect his "new" relationship, and how he felt that by sharing my experience and the loss on any forum was "attention seeking" on my part. Mind you, this "new" relationship times up pretty closely to when he was also asking me for exclusivity, more than once. The irony was I refused to settle down with him because he's a known adulterer.

It was a very clear message that he wants to hide from this as well as wanted me to suffer in silence. To say I am appalled, dumbfounded, and pissed are not even close to how I really feel.

For 20 years I have been friends with this guy. For 20 years I have stuck by him, encouraged him, defended him, and even waited out periods of silence while he allowed others to drag my name through the mud. Every single time someone bad mouthed him I either ignored it or stuck up for him. I know so much about his past, his addictions, his marriage and divorce, and his sexual endeavors. I never once thought bad of him and never thought I could. And now here I am wondering who the hell I have been friends with for the last 20 years.

I also can't wrap my head around how I deserve this now from him. I can't understand how he thinks that by blocking me on all accounts and by ignoring me, that this whole situation disappears and never happened. I almost cannot even formulate how much shock I am in right now.

I know that a miscarriage is a private thing that happens, I know that it's personal and taboo to talk about; but I also know that isn't me. If I hadn't been sharing my experience, I wouldn't know what to expect, I wouldn't know that active labor was going to happen, I wouldn't know that clots bigger than pads were normal, and I wouldn't know that I wasn't alone in this from both male and female friends. I share because maybe someone else out there is feeling alone too or maybe they've never had to experience this and have no idea what to expect. Maybe someone out there doesn't classify with a "typical" miscarriage. No one should ever have to feel like this, ever!

So Roger, let me say this. Ignoring a situation doesn't mean that it didn't happen. I am sad for you and all the women to come that you are not only going to hurt but who are going to beat themselves up because by the end they will know you deceived them. I'm sorry for all the friends we share who will continue to think you're a decent guy even though your true colors have shown, and I will put hope into the women you've left in the wake of your completely self-centered, self-motivated lifestyle.

Roger, what you chose to ignore was a life. It was the loss of a life. It was the fact that for five weeks without knowing it I carried around a dead child, I endured many days of debilitating pain, I passed clots that are traumatizing and lost blood that nearly put me back in the hospital; if only I weren't so stubborn. And I was the one who had to endure actual active labor, without the blessing of a baby at the end, just so things would pass because my body realized there was no longer a viable life growing inside - and I did it all the while you ignored the situation. And those are just the smallest parts of what I had to go through and the things you wanted me to suffer through in silence.

And Roger, unfortunately for you I believe in both God and Karma and you sir have made your bed with both. And I know now why God has given me this experience. I know He wants me to see the truth where I wasn't able to, I know He wants me to understand that not all males are meant to be fathers, and I know He doesn't want me to raise another child with a piss poor example of what a man should be.

It's a Heavy One

To say that I don’t find life ironic would be a blatant lie. I couldn’t never deny the correlation of life events even if I wanted to. The last couple of weeks have been hard for me, and that my friends is putting it lightly; it's been bordering traumatic for me. We’re all aware at how much of a challenge February is for me all on its own. But this year took me for a new ride, one I would have rather of opted out of.

As I’m still trying to figure out my daughter’s health concerns, mine decided they weren't going to wait any longer to step into the light. I found myself in a completely unfamiliar spot in life and one that I’m sure I’d never want to be in again. I was writing this hoping the physical pain would kick in to distract all emotional pain but by 2 am, every square inch of my body was hurting and I was still left in the turmoil of endless mixed emotions.

I should be thinking about two days from now. Two days until I’m 35 and how I can reflect on how far I’ve come in life. The personal growth I’ve made, how proud of myself I am, and really start laying out the plans for our future and our five year plans. However, I am here fresh from the hospital after being told that I have in fact had a miscarriage.

It's a moment I never thought I'd find myself in. For whatever reason, my body said no and there was absolutely nothing I could do but fight off the guilt that I wasn't good enough. The wonder of did I do something wrong, should I have done less or more? And the knowledge to know, miscarriages just happen.

As an empath I can often relate to others on such a deeper level but this was never one I was able to understand. I’ve spent the last couple weeks being told that the likelihood that this was going to happen was greater than that of being able to hold another baby of my own.

The question of the hour is, “are you ok?” But I don’t know what I am. Four days ago I had a baby and now it's vanished. It was a seed, a tiny apple seed size if that, because it stopped growing long before I even knew it. My body was still doing the pregnancy things, while my baby simply wasn't.

I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the ultimate fate but I still held onto some hope. I also know that at the end of the day, I have to trust in God and His plan because that’s all I’ve got and the only way I’ll survive. I learned this very quickly five years ago, and I can’t ignore the fact either that five years ago I lost my brother a week before my birthday, still a loss I haven’t recovered from. And here on his five year anniversary, again before a day I would otherwise try to celebrate, I’m at a loss. I’ve lost a being that I hadn’t gotten to know yet but would have been over the moon to raise and love. I’ve lost what could be the last chance I will have for more biological children.

To explain a miscarriage and it’s emotional toll would be like explaining quantum physics to a six year old and expecting them to understand after only one lesson. It’s a roller coaster of natural emotions mixed with sound medical knowledge. It's especially harder for me since my baby is gone but my body still has more to process before it’s healed and back to normal. If there was only one thing I’d ask for, it would be to be held. I just want to lie down, be held, and for a moment let someone else comfort me rather than trying to do it all on my own.

My heart is sad, my body is in a weird transition, but through it all my daughter is my shining light and honestly, how could I ask for anything more than that.

How Much Can You Handle?

Forgive me if I’m not at your entertainment or emotional disposal right now. By nature I take care of others far before I take care of myself. But there comes moments in everyone’s lives where the tides turn and we must learn to adjust our sails in some of the worst of storms.

I took on a career that I really wanted, it was a move that I knew would helps us as our future changes and as our dreams began to take better form. But with this new position, I am working a lot more. I’m usually schedule at 48 hours a week, sometimes I work more and sometimes a little less but doing well and maintaining my hustle is what I want to do. Also, I sell jewelry - it’s retail - holidays, big and small, are enormous for us. I shouldn’t have to explain that.

I’m also, as always, still am a single parent. I’m raising a 13 year old girl who I don’t want to be an asshole in life. Even on days she's with her dad, she needs me every day because he falls short in his role. There are no breaks for me as a parent and as with my career, she’s also my main focus.

I didn’t have any time to process, grieve, or reflect on my brother’s 5 year anniversary like I wanted to because I had what was a family emergency that day for me to deal with. I have also been dealing with some very private medical issues of my own, while also having my daughter have medical issues pop up. Her health has taken priority because that’s what we do as parents and I only want her life to be the best it can be. The amount of testing she’s having to go through and the way she’s having to adjust her life to be comfortable are hard to deal with when you’re 13.

So when I’m quiet, when I’m short in conversation, and when I don’t answer your calls or texts, trust that it’s not you, it’s me. I’m never one to diminish the problems that my friends or family have but in my current perfect storm, I have to focus on me. And that, I won’t be sorry for.

So please don’t make me feel any worse when you feel neglected by my attention, please don’t make my storm about you, please don’t minimize what I am trying to work through, and please understand that what you may think I need may not actually be the case.

Five and Counting

I spend my few grieving days being frustrated because it’s the only thing that masks my pain. When I’m alone and your memory haunts me, that’s when the pain is released and every inch of my face is soaked in the tears that won’t ever seem to fade away. To say losing you hurts like it happened today is how I feel but the reality is, it’s been five years since you went away. 

The way it’s changed my life is hard to put into words, and the magnitude of my stress now is suffocating and only wants to be understood by you. But in those five years I’ve learned to find you in small moments in life, sometimes when I need you the most and sometimes when I’m least expecting it. I’ve learned to spend more of my time thinking about the good than the bad, I rely on photos to pull me back into each moment before you were gone. 

But today and tomorrow are days that haunt me. I won’t ever be able to forget that five years ago I got that single life defining phone call. I won’t ever be able to forget how I had to tell others, how I had to break others while putting my heartache on hold, how I had to be the mindful one and talk to the coroner. I won’t forget how I thought I’d be able to deal but the following day was when the bottom of my universe fell out; how I free floated in a self destructing year because the loss of you was and still is unbearable. Today I think about the frustrations, I think about the unspoken words, I think about the many times I begged God in many moments to just give you back, until I picked up your ashes. Our last car ride together was our weirdest yet, I never in a million years thought you'd be ash in a box riding shotgun.
My mind is riddled with those last tears I watched fall from my face as I leaned over you in the casket. I watched each of them soak into your plaid shirt before someone had to pull me away, because I wasn’t ever going to be able to let you go on my own. I don’t know how we got to five years. I don’t know how the rest of them will go. I do however hope that through it all, you’re still looking out because my life without you so very often just feels lost.

We had a deal, we had our many talks about death, but this was never one of the cards we discussed. I will forever love you, I will forever be working on forgiving myself and trying to not feel guilty, and I will forever speak of you because my life isn't my life without you in it.