It's a Heavy One

To say that I don’t find life ironic would be a blatant lie. I couldn’t never deny the correlation of life events even if I wanted to. The last couple of weeks have been hard for me, and that my friends is putting it lightly; it's been bordering traumatic for me. We’re all aware at how much of a challenge February is for me all on its own. But this year took me for a new ride, one I would have rather of opted out of.

As I’m still trying to figure out my daughter’s health concerns, mine decided they weren't going to wait any longer to step into the light. I found myself in a completely unfamiliar spot in life and one that I’m sure I’d never want to be in again. I was writing this hoping the physical pain would kick in to distract all emotional pain but by 2 am, every square inch of my body was hurting and I was still left in the turmoil of endless mixed emotions.

I should be thinking about two days from now. Two days until I’m 35 and how I can reflect on how far I’ve come in life. The personal growth I’ve made, how proud of myself I am, and really start laying out the plans for our future and our five year plans. However, I am here fresh from the hospital after being told that I have in fact had a miscarriage.

It's a moment I never thought I'd find myself in. For whatever reason, my body said no and there was absolutely nothing I could do but fight off the guilt that I wasn't good enough. The wonder of did I do something wrong, should I have done less or more? And the knowledge to know, miscarriages just happen.

As an empath I can often relate to others on such a deeper level but this was never one I was able to understand. I’ve spent the last couple weeks being told that the likelihood that this was going to happen was greater than that of being able to hold another baby of my own.

The question of the hour is, “are you ok?” But I don’t know what I am. Four days ago I had a baby and now it's vanished. It was a seed, a tiny apple seed size if that, because it stopped growing long before I even knew it. My body was still doing the pregnancy things, while my baby simply wasn't.

I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the ultimate fate but I still held onto some hope. I also know that at the end of the day, I have to trust in God and His plan because that’s all I’ve got and the only way I’ll survive. I learned this very quickly five years ago, and I can’t ignore the fact either that five years ago I lost my brother a week before my birthday, still a loss I haven’t recovered from. And here on his five year anniversary, again before a day I would otherwise try to celebrate, I’m at a loss. I’ve lost a being that I hadn’t gotten to know yet but would have been over the moon to raise and love. I’ve lost what could be the last chance I will have for more biological children.

To explain a miscarriage and it’s emotional toll would be like explaining quantum physics to a six year old and expecting them to understand after only one lesson. It’s a roller coaster of natural emotions mixed with sound medical knowledge. It's especially harder for me since my baby is gone but my body still has more to process before it’s healed and back to normal. If there was only one thing I’d ask for, it would be to be held. I just want to lie down, be held, and for a moment let someone else comfort me rather than trying to do it all on my own.

My heart is sad, my body is in a weird transition, but through it all my daughter is my shining light and honestly, how could I ask for anything more than that.

How Much Can You Handle?

Forgive me if I’m not at your entertainment or emotional disposal right now. By nature I take care of others far before I take care of myself. But there comes moments in everyone’s lives where the tides turn and we must learn to adjust our sails in some of the worst of storms.

I took on a career that I really wanted, it was a move that I knew would helps us as our future changes and as our dreams began to take better form. But with this new position, I am working a lot more. I’m usually schedule at 48 hours a week, sometimes I work more and sometimes a little less but doing well and maintaining my hustle is what I want to do. Also, I sell jewelry - it’s retail - holidays, big and small, are enormous for us. I shouldn’t have to explain that.

I’m also, as always, still am a single parent. I’m raising a 13 year old girl who I don’t want to be an asshole in life. Even on days she's with her dad, she needs me every day because he falls short in his role. There are no breaks for me as a parent and as with my career, she’s also my main focus.

I didn’t have any time to process, grieve, or reflect on my brother’s 5 year anniversary like I wanted to because I had what was a family emergency that day for me to deal with. I have also been dealing with some very private medical issues of my own, while also having my daughter have medical issues pop up. Her health has taken priority because that’s what we do as parents and I only want her life to be the best it can be. The amount of testing she’s having to go through and the way she’s having to adjust her life to be comfortable are hard to deal with when you’re 13.

So when I’m quiet, when I’m short in conversation, and when I don’t answer your calls or texts, trust that it’s not you, it’s me. I’m never one to diminish the problems that my friends or family have but in my current perfect storm, I have to focus on me. And that, I won’t be sorry for.

So please don’t make me feel any worse when you feel neglected by my attention, please don’t make my storm about you, please don’t minimize what I am trying to work through, and please understand that what you may think I need may not actually be the case.

Five and Counting

I spend my few grieving days being frustrated because it’s the only thing that masks my pain. When I’m alone and your memory haunts me, that’s when the pain is released and every inch of my face is soaked in the tears that won’t ever seem to fade away. To say losing you hurts like it happened today is how I feel but the reality is, it’s been five years since you went away. 

The way it’s changed my life is hard to put into words, and the magnitude of my stress now is suffocating and only wants to be understood by you. But in those five years I’ve learned to find you in small moments in life, sometimes when I need you the most and sometimes when I’m least expecting it. I’ve learned to spend more of my time thinking about the good than the bad, I rely on photos to pull me back into each moment before you were gone. 

But today and tomorrow are days that haunt me. I won’t ever be able to forget that five years ago I got that single life defining phone call. I won’t ever be able to forget how I had to tell others, how I had to break others while putting my heartache on hold, how I had to be the mindful one and talk to the coroner. I won’t forget how I thought I’d be able to deal but the following day was when the bottom of my universe fell out; how I free floated in a self destructing year because the loss of you was and still is unbearable. Today I think about the frustrations, I think about the unspoken words, I think about the many times I begged God in many moments to just give you back, until I picked up your ashes. Our last car ride together was our weirdest yet, I never in a million years thought you'd be ash in a box riding shotgun.
My mind is riddled with those last tears I watched fall from my face as I leaned over you in the casket. I watched each of them soak into your plaid shirt before someone had to pull me away, because I wasn’t ever going to be able to let you go on my own. I don’t know how we got to five years. I don’t know how the rest of them will go. I do however hope that through it all, you’re still looking out because my life without you so very often just feels lost.

We had a deal, we had our many talks about death, but this was never one of the cards we discussed. I will forever love you, I will forever be working on forgiving myself and trying to not feel guilty, and I will forever speak of you because my life isn't my life without you in it.