Never Spoken

Over the course of a year or more, some time ago, I jotted down these quick individual notes about someone in a notebook. It wasn't until today that I found them. 

The moments come back to me in pieces. 

Sometimes it feels like there's a movie playing 

out in my own head. I've known you for more years 

than I can remember, but it hasn't been until now that 

I've really felt like I know you. 

Growing up I always felt that you saw past me 

rather than seeing me; mostly my own perception 

of how I saw myself, I'm sure. I watched you live 

and every time I did it was painful. 

I always feared for you because you 

knew how to enjoy your life, 

but I worried that fun would take you away. 

I always saw amazing potential in you. 

I still do. 

 

Years, time, and distance were things 

that happened, almost without really realizing it. 

And then there you were again. And just like 

when we were young, just like in high school, 

just like today, my heart beats again when you are near. 

 

I remember a time we were going to the movies, 

like we always do, and in your empty and clean 

backseat sat a Bible. We hadn't yet shared a kiss, 

but in that moment, I could have kissed you 

for the rest of the night. 

 

Every time you put on your glasses, 

usually to drive, I have to fight 

the flood of emotions I feel for you. 

Everything you do I find makes you 

more attractive to me and I like it. 

 

I adore you. 

I just simply do. 

And I tell you without 

telling you too much. 

 

You are so profoundly 

intellectually stimulating, 

while also being my safe and quiet place 

if I need be. 

 

Being your guest out at public events is delightful. 

It may be a lot of the fact that we get along well 

and I enjoy time with you but you're very attentive 

and courteous to me. 

 

You & me, 

we jive well.

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to 

adequately express not only how much 

I hoped your life turned out well, 

but also how proud of you for the 

person you've become. 

How often is it that the things we think, we actually say?

 

The grammar isn't up to par but doesn't need to be when notes are taken in moments of remembrance. I didn't alter any of it to make myself look better, instead I left them as they are as a lesson for myself and others. Our feelings, good or bad, left unsaid, leave us in states of wonderment. 

It was everything that she never said. 

Reflection or Deflection?

Lucille Ball once said, "One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."

Tonight I had a very perplexing and challenging conversation with a friend that in the beginning lead me down a dark path about my own life that I didn't want to be on, only to find out I was right and had no business to be there. I want to break down the screenshots of the conversation, not to out said friend, but to point out some very important life lessons. I've concealed their identity for their sake. 

<----  Here's kind of where it all started. There obviously is small talk before this but this is where the conversation got "interesting" for a lack of a better word. I'm not entirely sure how they went from my daughter coming home to me being unhappy. I promise nothing had been said prior to this other than the fact that we were heading home after I worked today. 

One of the largest things that bothers me about friendships is that if you want to start a conversation, especially one of intense caliber, don't just quickly bow out when questions get asked of you. Own your shit. If you want to talk, if you're concerned about someone, or if you really want to say something own it. Ask, speak, and follow thru!

  <---- Here's where it picked up again and where it really started stirring my emotions. The first observation of my life, being "hectic but working on it" felt like an insult. It also was the first rabbit hole for me. 

Was this how people are viewing my life? Is this why I'm single? Is this ultimately my turnoff to men?? Rabbit hole!

This rabbit hole became deep and quick. It was stirring up thoughts and emotions that aren't allowed to rent space in my head any longer. I know who I am, why am I allowing comments like these to infiltrate the goodness of who I am at my core?

----> Wait a minute!! When the hell did I say that I wasn't settled?! I mean sure you could see it that way, and I could see it that way but my life not being settled has more to do with my back story of being a prisoner under my ex than it does with anything else. I feel like the "same observation" comparison is just a wee bit off base. 

 And about right here is where I took back control. I took back control of the conversation but also on the viewpoint of my life. This is MY life, and no one gets to dictate how good or bad it is except for me. Also rest assured that if you're going to use vocabulary, or descriptive words, you better be damn sure you're using them in the correct context or I'll be right on your ass to correct you. 

And it's the truth, I enjoy busy as much as I enjoy quiet. If you knew me, you'd know that. 

<---- Again, let me reign in this conversation because I don't like it one bit. Right about here is my mic drop. 

Also in the meantime, I'm reaching out to other friends who know me quiet well, as well as new friends just to see if in fact my life from the outside seems hectic. Maybe by chance I am missing the bigger picture. (Don't worry, I wasn't.) What I was learning from my other friends was that yes, I am in fact busy, but that doesn't qualify as a bad thing. Also that could it be possible that this friend in the conversation is actually in fact unhappy in their own life, and they're projecting that upon me? Why would someone do that? Was it worth finding out?

----> I was completely dumbfounded by someone telling a mother, a single mother that they can fail. I can't fathom the logic behind that. If I fail, who is there for my daughter? Who shows here what resilience, perseverance, and being strong are about? 








It was most certainly worth finding out.

<---- And here is where the truth in the whole conversation was sitting. Right there the whole time. They are unhappy in their life, and they were imposing it upon me for whatever reason. There wasn't a reflection in their mirror of life, but actually a deflection. And in that are grave consequences. 

Very quickly after I confronted the true issue, as you can see, the conversation was abruptly ended. 

I worry now for this friend. I don't want to see them unhappy or not content with their life. I also am sad that they couldn't answer as to why they were. I know that anxiety of life and the discontent. I'm not saying I'm not ever there, but I certainly do my best never to take up residence there. I pray for peace for this soul. I also hope that when they feel comfortable confronting their own struggles without assuming mine, that they'll reach out again and know that I am here for them and their struggles.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

When She's the One and Only

"How's your daughter?"

"She's amazing!" 

And then there it is. That completely empty, all too frequent, blank stare from the person asking the question. I am not one to lie so I don't fully understand the look.

I finally had to talk this one out with my best friend recently because it's become weird and uncomfortable for me. 

Listen, I know my daughter will be 13 this year and I get the concept that that's when girls are suppose to start being nightmares, but I'm sorry (??) mine isn't. Here's the thing, I truly believe that I was born to be a mother. I have poured everything I have had into raising my daughter into a good and decent human being. I worked hard to correct behavior, I spent nights crying over being the bad guy, and I've often wondered if what I am doing in the moment is the right thing when it's just me to make that call and I don't have any support. 

I remember a moment when she was about 2 or 3 and my mother said to me, "you're too hard on her and you expect too much from her". That moment sticks in my head because I couldn't understand what she meant by that. My face probably looked like that picture above. Did she mean that by making my daughter behave, by making her listen, and by making her understand rules and consequences at an early age, that I was putting too much on my girl? Because if that's what she meant, then by all means, I'm glad I was that way!

Look where we are at almost 13, my daughter is incredible! She is intelligent, diplomatic, inquisitive, behaved, open, compassionate, giving, and so much more! Does she have bad days? Of course, but her good far outweighs her bad. Does she get under my skin? Of course, but that's usually because the introvert in me has taken over. Does she get mouthy? Of course, she's almost 13!

But if you're going to ask me a question like how she's doing, I'm going to give the most honest and proper response that encompasses the largest portion of our lives, and that is that she is amazing. 

So today while out, I had to stop in at the jewelry store that I work at, and while we were there we started talking about birthstones because she saw a necklace she liked but it was December's stone. So we walked over to hers and started looking and just talking. I then saw a ring that I had forgotten we had which contained two main stones. Her birthstone and mine. In my most cheesy mother like tone, I said "look it's both our birthstones". Thinking this girl was going to shame me and think it was cheesy, but she shocks me and likes it! Not only does she like it but she then says, "we could have matching rings". After I took a moment to come back to reality, it was a done deal. I bought my daughter her ring and will have mine shortly. 

It's these moments that make my heart swell and remind me that I have done the most amazing job of raising her. I can't really question why God only gave me one child because I think he gave me the best one there is to have. 

Let Me School You in Your Failure!

There are times in life where you may overreact, this is not one of those times. 

Today on social media, an article hit about the school my daughter attends. In summary a 13 year old boy was arrested and booked for threatening the school. The school never addressed the students nor contacted the parents, and as of tonight, the rumor circulating social media is that the boy threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot it up. To add frustration to the pile, in the article that first hit the social media circuit, the Police Chief stated that the boy was "trying to be funny". 

Let me express my outrage!

As of just a few weeks ago, I addressed the Vice Principal at the school because a boy had been endlessly bullying my daughter, in classes in front of teachers, as well as in the halls. And he's not the only boy bullying a girl in that school. This seems to be a standing problem where some girls are even left to their tears in the cafeteria where still no one in the school does anything. The Vice Principal never responded to my concerns. He did speak to the boy and my daughter, to which the boy only made his comments even more rude and vengefully directed at my daughter. The Vice Principal also greatly downplayed the situation to my daughter which did not help her feel like there was a resolution. 

Shortly thereafter that occurred, I asked a teacher to send home a form that didn't make it to my house. In the communication back and forth there was some confusion on my end about conferences so the teacher offered to meet if I needed to. I did not and told her that I was aware of my daughter bringing up all of her grades so I was good. The teacher's response was to call my child "lazy" in her performance. I immediately fired back that as an administrator she should choose better verbiage when addressing a parent about their child, especially one that has worked so hard to bring all of her grades up and currently only has a C as the lowest grade, cumulatively. 

Now let me circle back around to today. Are you kidding me?!? The school has the nerve to sweep a boy's arrest under the rug? With today's "resources", as in social media, this can quickly spin out of control and I have to sincerely wonder if in fact the boy did threaten to bring a gun in and shoot up the school. Since I started writing the blog, I had a fellow parent forward me the boys Instagram page where 6 days ago, date unknown, he posted a picture of the joker with a gun that said, "me if I shot up the school". This is an 8th grader who has posted on social media about shooting up a school and then says it directly in the school today and the Police Chief has the nerve to say he was "trying to be funny". GTFO! 

Today's events should not have been swept under the rug by the school because now the story spins as well as if that boy does one day follow through, no one had any warning of it! So being the vocal person I am, especially when I believe strongly in something, I fired off an email tonight to the Superintendent, the Vice Principal, and the Principal. 

Below is the polite rendition of a letter instead of what I wanted to say which was, "Are you EFFING kidding me!!"

Dear Administrators,

I am greatly concerned about an event that occurred today at Sandwich Middle School where my daughter attends. A news report hit social media saying that a 13 year old boy was arrested and booked for making threats against the school. Myself, as well as many other parents and students, would like to know why this wasn't addressed as either an informative item or as an item of precautionary measure? Even my daughter who is 12 knows that the school and the district should have made them known as to what was going on for their comfort and safety.

Now that the school has not addressed the matter, it is starting to circulate on social media that the boy threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot it up. If this is in fact a true statement, let me express my additional outrage that is already existing. As the years have progressed, school shootings have become all too common and it is not something that anyone should take lightly, especially not the police chief as he stated the boy was "trying to be funny". There is nothing funny when it comes to the safety of my child and all the others that attend District 430.

I hope I speak for many parents and students when I say that not only are we owed an apology for the failed measures taken by the school but we are also owed a full explanation.

 Sincerely,

These Damn Women

Today is International Women's Day - if you didn't know that, just open any social media platform. On that note, I need to address something that I haven't seen a whole lot of but enough that it warranted a blog. 

Any man that needs to question a day reserved for women's rights, especially in 2017 amid everything that is being taken away from us, is no man whatsoever. Not only are you not qualitative as men, but you are a contributing factor of the rights we are losing and fighting for, and it's a direct reflection of how you view woman and most likely treat them. 

Now, in my heart of hearts, I am a very vintage woman and would be perfectly happy being a 1950's housewife. However, that would only take place if men were the men of those days and maintained their proper role in that equation as well. But this isn't the 1950's, this is 2017 where currently we as women are being told that we can't choose what we want to do with our bodies. That is the number one factor, we're being told that we need a man's permission to proceed with our bodies and we're having our resources taken away from us. Down right BS as far as I'm concerned. 

I'm 34 years old and I have a daughter. I do not want anyone telling me what I can or cannot do with my body. I also want my daughter to be a warrior and have resources available to her as she grows up to make the proper and responsible decisions that she will have to make one day. I am not here to wage a war on pro-life or pro-choice because that in itself is a days worth of a talk. I am however here to say that it's not only completely foolish but ignorant on anyone's part to think that a woman's choice to have an abortion is a one point decision. If a woman chooses to have an abortion, it's not at all that she has a disregard for life but the complete opposite. Ask a woman who has had an abortion and I bet her reason would give you pause to judging her and her decision. She has complete regard for life, hers and the conceived. You don't have the first clue how she got in the situation, you don't have a clue what it would do for her to stay in that situation, and you have zero idea what possible destruction adoption would do for her or that baby. You also have no idea the lifelong ramifications she lives with if she has to decide to have an abortion. Abortion isn't a yes or no situation, there is so much that goes into it and NO ONE should be able to make that decision except for the woman who realistically is ultimately left pregnant and caring for said child. 

We could discuss this all day but we won't because it is after all 2017 and for some reason people can't agree to disagree. Instead we feel we must tell people and enforce people to do things against their will. Which brings me to Planned Parenthood. If you for one second stand before me and say the Planned Parenthood is the foundation of abortions, again, you're an idiot. The resources that they provide to women, outside of that are far more important because if used properly by women, hopefully they won't be face with the decision on whether to keep or terminate a pregnancy. And if they are, God forbid women are forced into back alley abortions like so many were prior to Roe vs. Wade; women should be able to go to a Planned Parenthood if needed.

Want to get away from the rights of our bodies? Let's talk about the wage gap. How many times have I been in a position where I have been able to run circles around men in charge. Rhetorical of course. As women, we naturally excel. Children are conceived in our bodies, we carry each of them for 9 months at a time often not with ease, we give birth, we support and raise our children, and we love, support, and stand by our men. We take care of everyone, our careers, our homes, and we try to take care of ourselves as well. We carry the world without batting an eye. We have amazing benefits to add in the workforce, but instead of being praised, given raises, and given the room to excel, we're left to do the work for the men, get walked on, and be underpaid. 

You can't control us by telling us we aren't equal. 

That includes today, International Women's Day. You can't take that away from us because you ultimately feel inferior as a man. Get your balls out and support us because we've got your back too when you need it. I only scraped the surface of the issues in the US today, but look around the world. Look at how poorly women are treated when we are the ones who create it all. Without us, you men wouldn't exist. So stop treating us like we're garbage and treating us like we need to bow down to you. The roles are actually reversed and the strength, power, and endurance for love that we as women have, will carry all of us far beyond the reaches that currently are holding us down. 

Also, International Men's Day is November 19 for the less informed. 

 

28 Days Down

  I removed myself from Facebook a month ago and not very many noticed. I am a little surprised but not really surprised at all in the same sense. I still want nothing to do with Facebook and will continue to avoid it like the plague but I have found that since I was on it for so long, many of my accounts that I need are unfortunately linked to it. Plus, it seems like people think I blocked them rather than the fact that I have had enough with the site itself. I am not that terrible of a person. I figure, if I matter, you'll write or call, away from the social media toxicity that is Facebook.

  I haven't blogged either in a while, which was brought to my attention recently. I started school four months ago, and the English class that I just finished was driving me crazy. I just wasn't clicking well with the teacher or more over, her lack of being a teacher. Regardless, I still got an A- on the class. So far straight A's and a 3.78 GPA. Wish I did this well in high school. Now I am wrapped up in Quantitative Reasoning I and moving on from there to QR II, and Accounting classes until I finish.

A lot has happened in a month while not much has changed.

  Jeremy's fourth anniversary of his passing came and went, and not without tears. I spent the morning sitting down by the river at the same spot I last held him four years ago. That spot just draws you in.

  I celebrated my 34th birthday and found the love and admiration I have for those who didn't need Facebook to remember, whom I cherish daily. The Saturday before, I went out to dinner for great conversation and a lot of laughs with four much loved friends. I renewed my license at the DMV (written test included) the morning of my birthday, did a little shopping, and then had dinner with my Goose and my mom. I worked the following day and was loved by one very special coworker who remembered me. I then did the Brew & View with friends to watch the always great and classic, Wayne's World. And then I finished out the week trying a new restaurant that was on my list; while it's now crossed off the list due to its lackluster food, the company couldn't have been better.

  In the last month I have fallen in love with me, in an entirety. Who I am, where I am, and where I am going bring me such amazing joy. Removing the toxic norm of Facebook couldn't have been a better choice. I have gained so much peace in that month that I want to always share it with those around me. Yes, there have still been those hiccup moments, those few that got under my skin momentarily, and those that have forgotten all about me. But none of that matters to all of the positive aspects that I have been able to enjoy. 

 

  I needed my 28 day detox. I needed to enjoy my life without the pettiness of others. I needed to enjoy my company without distraction. I needed to feel as close to my brother as I could because it's the fourth year I couldn't hear his voice, hear him say, "Yours is the only birthday I ever remember". But mostly I needed to know that the next 28 days of detox will be just as great. There's a funny thing about Facebook, it seems to breed hate, anger, and pettiness; whereas either I don't see it on Instagram/SnapChat, or I just don't allow it to exist. 

 

God Bless. 

And Be Loved. 

It Has to be You

 If I could love you I would. 

I would protect you from your demons and I would ground your weary ways. If I loved you I would teach you to how to forgive the past and cherish the now so that you can excel in the future. 

If I loved you, you would know the pain you've endured has been worth it for the love you deserve is here to stay. 

But I am not the one who can love you. 

I'm not the one who should. 

It has to be you.

I can't fix it all and I can't create the better, for all of that has to start with you. For me to be able to love you, you would have to let me and where you are just isn't allowing me in. Your demons are ever present, they are residing over your every move. Your sorrows are heavier than any weight I've ever been able to carry, and the clouds for you are so dark that you can't see the sun that I have shining so brightly for you. 

I hope you don't lose hope. I hope you're able to see, that my love for you is just the same whether it's as impossible as it can be or if it's as easy as this read. I will always be here, I am always ready to give you my love; but to get there is up to you.