28 Days Down

  I removed myself from Facebook a month ago and not very many noticed. I am a little surprised but not really surprised at all in the same sense. I still want nothing to do with Facebook and will continue to avoid it like the plague but I have found that since I was on it for so long, many of my accounts that I need are unfortunately linked to it. Plus, it seems like people think I blocked them rather than the fact that I have had enough with the site itself. I am not that terrible of a person. I figure, if I matter, you'll write or call, away from the social media toxicity that is Facebook.

  I haven't blogged either in a while, which was brought to my attention recently. I started school four months ago, and the English class that I just finished was driving me crazy. I just wasn't clicking well with the teacher or more over, her lack of being a teacher. Regardless, I still got an A- on the class. So far straight A's and a 3.78 GPA. Wish I did this well in high school. Now I am wrapped up in Quantitative Reasoning I and moving on from there to QR II, and Accounting classes until I finish.

A lot has happened in a month while not much has changed.

  Jeremy's fourth anniversary of his passing came and went, and not without tears. I spent the morning sitting down by the river at the same spot I last held him four years ago. That spot just draws you in.

  I celebrated my 34th birthday and found the love and admiration I have for those who didn't need Facebook to remember, whom I cherish daily. The Saturday before, I went out to dinner for great conversation and a lot of laughs with four much loved friends. I renewed my license at the DMV (written test included) the morning of my birthday, did a little shopping, and then had dinner with my Goose and my mom. I worked the following day and was loved by one very special coworker who remembered me. I then did the Brew & View with friends to watch the always great and classic, Wayne's World. And then I finished out the week trying a new restaurant that was on my list; while it's now crossed off the list due to its lackluster food, the company couldn't have been better.

  In the last month I have fallen in love with me, in an entirety. Who I am, where I am, and where I am going bring me such amazing joy. Removing the toxic norm of Facebook couldn't have been a better choice. I have gained so much peace in that month that I want to always share it with those around me. Yes, there have still been those hiccup moments, those few that got under my skin momentarily, and those that have forgotten all about me. But none of that matters to all of the positive aspects that I have been able to enjoy. 

 

  I needed my 28 day detox. I needed to enjoy my life without the pettiness of others. I needed to enjoy my company without distraction. I needed to feel as close to my brother as I could because it's the fourth year I couldn't hear his voice, hear him say, "Yours is the only birthday I ever remember". But mostly I needed to know that the next 28 days of detox will be just as great. There's a funny thing about Facebook, it seems to breed hate, anger, and pettiness; whereas either I don't see it on Instagram/SnapChat, or I just don't allow it to exist. 

 

God Bless. 

And Be Loved. 

It Has to be You

 If I could love you I would. 

I would protect you from your demons and I would ground your weary ways. If I loved you I would teach you to how to forgive the past and cherish the now so that you can excel in the future. 

If I loved you, you would know the pain you've endured has been worth it for the love you deserve is here to stay. 

But I am not the one who can love you. 

I'm not the one who should. 

It has to be you.

I can't fix it all and I can't create the better, for all of that has to start with you. For me to be able to love you, you would have to let me and where you are just isn't allowing me in. Your demons are ever present, they are residing over your every move. Your sorrows are heavier than any weight I've ever been able to carry, and the clouds for you are so dark that you can't see the sun that I have shining so brightly for you. 

I hope you don't lose hope. I hope you're able to see, that my love for you is just the same whether it's as impossible as it can be or if it's as easy as this read. I will always be here, I am always ready to give you my love; but to get there is up to you. 

Childhood Joys to Adult Realities

How do we blame a year for taking a life? How do we blame the time that has ticked in the day or the day that has passed in the month? It's almost as if society can only see the hand in front of them, inches from their faces yet they can't see the truth on the vast horizon beyond said hand. 

Our minds are held captive and our intellect is suppressed by the ability to blame something as inconsequential as a numbered year. 2016 is not the grim reaper, it has zero ability to extinguish a life. Someone's drug use, choice of suicide, failure to take care of their health, or old age are factors that extinguish life. 

Death is a tragedy that in many cases causes a domino effect, it's an event that tears open our hearts and leaves us speechless. However we need to unbury our intelligence. 

2016 has been a year of many losses. Many have lost loved ones and the world has lost many great celebrities and musicians alike. One thing we mustn't lose sight of is what people have brought into our lives before their exit. There has been so much great joy and memories that can never be taken away from us, and although their contributions won't continue, their legacy both great and small can be passed down for generations to come. 

Let's just stop the nonsense of saying or blaming 2016 and get back to the facts and basics of life. Because like it or not, there will probably being even harder and more shocking losses in 2017. 

 

 

37 in 2

Were you ever a child who wondered off and before you knew it you found yourself completely lost? You're looking around for anything even remotely familiar that you can grab onto for comfort, only to find that you're completely lost in the spot you're standing in while the world carries on around you?

I'm there now. 

The week has arrived, the day is upon us and before you know it Jeremy's 37th birthday has me reeling on 30 years of memories. I completely feel like a lost child. I feel like holding onto a cover girl face streak free from tears, is a challenge I won't soon win. If anyone were to hug me, I'm almost sure I'd lose it all. 

The mass of my blogs have to do with Jeremy and you'd think it'd be tiring or at least therapeutic but it's actually been neither for me. I miss his face, I struggle to remember the sound of his voice, I still regret where we were when he took his last breath. I still have so much to say, I still have so much need for him to be here, and I still can't heal the brokenness that has engulfed my soul. 

As I fight continually on a daily basis to hold back the tears I feel like it only fuels the rage or frustration I have for where we were left. If I could just feel safe I could harness all the emotions that I'm burying inside but to be vulnerable and trust someone again with something so delicate to me is beyond unfathomable. 

It's incredibly difficult to understand how he's had four birthdays pass so far. It's also incredibly difficult to understand how I've managed all of this time without him by my side, without both his anger and his love, and without his protection.  

 

Jeremy, from every closely cherished memory and conversation, all the way to the miles and miles that your ashes have traveled, I love you and I miss you with ever ounce of body. I never thought I'd live this many days of my life without you and I never imagined I'd still be apologizing to you for all the tears I still cry. Until we meet again Jer. 

Dream the Impossible

I remember the first time I had a lucid dream, it was about two years ago. It happened shortly after a pretty bad car accident that left me with a concussion which was then followed by a bad fall down iced stairs. I thought it was only happening due to the pain medication I was on but then it kept happening. 

 

The first time I mentioned it to someone because I had no idea it had a name associated to it, they seemed shocked or impressed that I was actually lucid dreaming. I thought it was normal for people to do because at this point it was happening nearly ever night. This same friend asked me to see if I could actually control the events, certain things, or the dream all together. Now, that really seemed weird to me. But hey I'll try just about anything once. 

 

Each time that I was lucid dreaming I'd trying controlling bit by bit and it was incredibly amazing and somewhat scary. For me it's much like another universe. It's like living outside of my body. 

 

Lucid dreaming took a pause for a slight bit but it's returned, and it seems like with its return it's become even more strange than before. I'm definitely able to control more things but because these dreams are so incredibly real, I'm finding the line between this real world and a lucid dream very, very thin. I've also noticed some current events happening that I am almost completely sure I have already lived out in the dream world, which makes that line even thinner. 

 

I'm going to continue to enjoy this alternate dream world in which I have more control over things in, but the fact that the two worlds are merging some is a bit terrifying. Could there be something to this? Could there be far more to our lives than what God has given us right here?

All That Jazz

People joke all the time about how I'm the crazy cat lady but the joke is on them. The comment doesn't bother me in the least and if I had more resources and a bigger place, like a farm, I would have so many  more animals than these guys. Let me tell you how much I love these guys even when they're driving me crazy. 

Sophie is my easy going one, while sometimes a little unsure she just usually goes with the flow. I would have never expected this from her since I remember when she was bottle feeding as a baby, she was rather difficult with it. It wasn't until this year that her personality has seem to really come to light and I love that she surprised me that way. 

Jasper is my main man, the old man of the house and everything is his or so I say. He is my lover of heat and loves when it's 100 degrees out, won't come in to cool off no matter how hard I try, and will even sleep all day inside of a metal shed that's even hotter inside or under the black grill cover. Now that it's cold and snowy out, he pretty much refuses to step foot outside. He's also probably the most stubborn but that's because at the end of the day he knows he's adored endlessly by us. 

Eleanor is my opposite of Jasper, she's not at all a fan of the heat and didn't enjoy this summer too much but now that the snow and cold are here I'm fighting to try to keep her inside. It's only been since about April of this year that the cats have been allowed to go outside so this is the first they've seen of the snow. She will come in for a second and then wants right back out. She loves playing in the snow and has more of a 'knows what she wants' personality. 

Samson while new to the family couldn't care less about anything else so long as he's always able to be within a foot of me, at minimum. He's still learning about the cats and their tolerance of him; Sophie let's him rough house her all day, she will lay there and just let him beat up on her and get up and go where he can't get her when she's had enough. Ellie is just now starting to play a little with him but it's always a brief play, and Jasper wants no part of it (just yet), I think he'll warm up eventually although I have noticed that lately Samson has found his voice and Japs likes to stand close but not too close and let Samson bark at him. Samson has also completely reminded me what it's like to have a baby in the house again. I bottle fed Sophie and Ellie since they were 4 weeks old, I don't remember them being so much like having an actual baby again.

And lastly number 5 is the stray whom has kind of adopted us as her family. My daughter has named her Cookie-dough and she's still pretty shy but so far still comes around often and seems to want to join our squad. I am still working hard to show her that people aren't bad, I can't quiet figure out her story, she almost seems like she may have been a pet at one point but could have been abandoned. She wants to be petted but doesn't seem to really trust, although each day we make a little more progress. She loves taking walks with Samson when we go and enjoys playing with him, and the other cats don't seem to mind her being around too much. I don't know if she will stay around but I'll take care of her while she's here.

It seems like a lot for everyone else which is why I think I always get to be on the short end of the jokes but for me, each one of them is a joyful piece of my heart. And when we add up all the things I've endured in life, having joyful pieces added to my heart are an incredible blessing. Plus I am accustomed to the short end of the jokes, I was the only blonde in the family. Growing up family dinners were just me listening to dumb blonde jokes the whole time.

It's "that" Season

Tis' the season for saddened hearts, especially mine. I know I'm not alone here but it's certainly very easy to feel that way. 

I'd like to say that it just started but it's been slowly settling into the bed of my heart and mind. Every day is an intense struggle to keep from breaking down, I fight to hold the tears in and avoid any triggers that would flood me with despaired emotions. But it's December, there almost is no avoiding triggers at this point. 

Baby daddy has been on a war path for weeks, I mean the above average war path and it's wearing me thin since I have my own personal things to deal with right now. I'm also trying to work through some feels I've got for someone. I take reprieve in work and I try to with school but I know those too will be short lived escapes. I genuinely fear the next three months as I have for nearly the last four years. 

The hardest of these is not having a partner in life to lean on, both physically and emotionally. Not to dismiss my devoted friendships but although those are near to my heart they are far in physical distance. So while I will admit that I am withdrawing, I also don't like being alone while doing it. 

I cry nearly every day even when I try not to. The gaping wound in my heart and soul is ripped open again and as days go on the pain grows and grows, throwing my memories back to when this all began. I was first told by many that time will help heal but I still can't see healing this kind of pain. I can't seem to quiet the thoughts that occupy me nearly every second of every day right now. For a season that is so full of joy for so many, this is my season of pain and sorrow that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to escape. 

I have been able to maintain a normalcy during the largest portions of the year, but it's always and will always be these three months coming when I have to admit, I am not okay. I know I'm not alone, but I also want others to know that it is okay to admit when you yourself are not doing well and when you are not okay. Right now I am there, I am not okay and that's okay.