It's "that" Season

Tis' the season for saddened hearts, especially mine. I know I'm not alone here but it's certainly very easy to feel that way. 

I'd like to say that it just started but it's been slowly settling into the bed of my heart and mind. Every day is an intense struggle to keep from breaking down, I fight to hold the tears in and avoid any triggers that would flood me with despaired emotions. But it's December, there almost is no avoiding triggers at this point. 

Baby daddy has been on a war path for weeks, I mean the above average war path and it's wearing me thin since I have my own personal things to deal with right now. I'm also trying to work through some feels I've got for someone. I take reprieve in work and I try to with school but I know those too will be short lived escapes. I genuinely fear the next three months as I have for nearly the last four years. 

The hardest of these is not having a partner in life to lean on, both physically and emotionally. Not to dismiss my devoted friendships but although those are near to my heart they are far in physical distance. So while I will admit that I am withdrawing, I also don't like being alone while doing it. 

I cry nearly every day even when I try not to. The gaping wound in my heart and soul is ripped open again and as days go on the pain grows and grows, throwing my memories back to when this all began. I was first told by many that time will help heal but I still can't see healing this kind of pain. I can't seem to quiet the thoughts that occupy me nearly every second of every day right now. For a season that is so full of joy for so many, this is my season of pain and sorrow that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to escape. 

I have been able to maintain a normalcy during the largest portions of the year, but it's always and will always be these three months coming when I have to admit, I am not okay. I know I'm not alone, but I also want others to know that it is okay to admit when you yourself are not doing well and when you are not okay. Right now I am there, I am not okay and that's okay.