Would you like Vodka with your Holy Water?

90 days ago I decided to give up drinking permanently. I also chose to stop being so shy about my relationship with God and really focus my attention on Him, his plan, and his path. I tried for over a year to "cut down" and quit drinking but frankly, my mind is usually an all or nothing kind of space. My life or my thoughts have been presently in a spot of questioning my sobriety and thinking about what a sip would taste like after all this time but so far, I've got my third chip. My next chip isn't till October so these next few months should be interesting, aka challenging. (I can add anyone as an accountability partner via your email address if you'd like to, you know, be there for me.)

Being an alcoholic is in my blood, so is being an addict, but just because it's there, doesn't mean that I have to feed it. Would you feed a skunk just because it kept coming up to your back door? I was in a two year relationship with an alcoholic when my brother died and I was friends with and surrounded by people who drank all the time, so drinking was fun, easy, and yeah I enjoyed it and it was never something I thought I needed to walk away from. After Jeremy died, it was no longer something I just did socially. I would sit at home most nights, alone with all the lights off except a dim one, and just sit and drink by myself. Scotch mostly. During the day it was always casual beer drinking but behind the curtain, there was more. I'll never be able to adequately put into words what losing Jeremy did to me. When the only person you connected to, loved, trusted, were protected by, understood, and lived for is gone, so are you. Over two years later, and there are still things I have to do or places I go that I despise because he's not there. No one protects me anymore which has led me to be pretty freaking stone like, and there's no one I can call to help me do things that will always be there. So when his one year death anniversary came around on 2/13/14 things were rough. For a year I couldn't sleep through the night because I feared I would die in my sleep (I still have trouble sleeping), my relationship ended a week before the death-iversary and he informed me that he wanted to take a new girl he was interested in out for Valentine's Day to OUR reservations, and my closest friend wasn't speaking to me due to a guy she was dating. Oh and did I also mention my birthday happens to be 2/21 in the mix of everything. Every February 13th I try my best to just live in the happy memories I got to build with him, as I do for his birthday and the day I finally put his ashes to rest, but the 14th are always days I feel like I'll never make it through.

So I put my foot down and decided to quit, cold turkey, same as I did with cigarettes in 2009. Suck it up buttercup, no time to be weak. I wasn't going to let my life or my pain be corrupted by a crutch that was ultimately bringing negativity into my life. And in 90 days I've learned some things, a few new things about myself but a lot about everyone else. I do think for all that I've learned, the number one thing that tops my list of frustration is when someone knows that I'm a Christian on top of not drinking, their first question is "Did some life altering event happen that made you choose God?" Let me break down a few things;

• I was born and raised in the church. I know who God is, I've always known who God is, and I always will. My faith is the most important thing to me. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for God and the relationship I have with him. 
• I am not in group meetings nor am I in AA, I never said I was. I use an app on my phone that gives me chips. If I can't hold myself accountable than I don't know how anyone else could. 
• If you're uncomfortable drinking in front of me, than you need to do some soul searching. If it's a problem for me, then I know how to excuse myself or speak up. 
• Please, for all that is good and holy, do not try to justify your drinking to me or try to downsize how much you actually do it. Have you forgotten that we're friends? I know you. 
• Also, please don't go on and on about how you know you need to cut down or stop, talk is cheap. Actually it's the cheapest thing around. If you want to stop, do it. If you want my support, I'll be there. But I don't need the fake commentary about wishful thinking or what you think will make me feel more comfortable around you. 
• If you can extend an invite for me to come to the bars, then I can extend an invite for you to come to church. We're friends, it's our differences that give us things to talk about. You're never obligated to accept my invitation, but that doesn't mean I'll stop asking. Plus I tell you no to your bar hopping. xxoo!
• I love you even if you're an Atheist. However, do not think for one second that it is okay to disrespect me for being a Christian. 
• Yes, I do think about drinking, almost all the time, so when you are obnoxious with it in my face or just drunk, it frustrates me because it's tempting me. 
• Don't say you could never do what I do, because you could. I know you could, and if you felt like you couldn't, at least you would have me in your corner to support you. 

Disclaimer: This was a little, or a lot, scatter brained so I apologize. I know there are more thoughts on the subject of being a Christian and choosing not to drink these are just the ones I could format. Hopefully soon I can find a quiet place in the country to sit and blog instead of doing these in pieces. #singlemomstatus