My mother said something two weeks ago that I am still allowing to rent space in my head. I'm a bit mad at myself for still allowing it but I haven't really sat down to address it; not here in my blog and not really with anyone close to me. So there it swirls, each time it comes to the forefront of my mind, it grows just a little bit more, giving it one more sharp edge each time to poke at me and remind me just how screwed up it is.
It's no secret that my mom and I have an on and off relationship. It's been like that since for as long as I can remember. One day, one of us (eventually both) will leave this place and I'll forever be left to wonder if she ever loved me and I mean truly loved me in the magnitude that a mother should. I know just how grand that scale is since becoming a mother myself. I get it, she didn't have a shining example of a mother, but as harsh as this is, neither did I. However, I chose to go the opposite way and there's never a moment in time where my daughter has to wonder such a depressing thought. My love for her is endless; in action and in speech.
There are times when my mom is spot on. The banter we have is great, the communication isn't struggling, and it's pleasant to think we're moving forward. But just like the wind, one gust in any which direction, changes the course for everything. Something sets her off, it gets taken out on me, something she says I don't agree with and try to communicate that with her, it starts an argument - or better yet, weeks of silence from her.
I truly believe that some people just are not meant to be parents. My mom may be one of those people, so is my sister. As I'm writing this the news pops up the Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Now mind you, I don't give a rat's ass, but again, I am not able to have more kids which is a deep desire of mine (most of the time) yet Kylie Jenner (or all them fools) are reproducing like it's nothing at all. Moving on, that's not what we came here for.
Back to two weeks ago. I went over to my mother's for a bit because it had been quite some time since I had last seen her. My daughter and I went over after church to spend the day with her, and quickly, one of the first topics that comes to light is my sister. My mom had recently babysat my nephews and realized just how far off track as children they had become. My mom and her husband were severely concerned about my oldest nephew having a secret conversation with an unknown older man via some app on a cell phone, as well as my nephew talking about killing himself and others. There's also huge concern that my sister will lose her kids because she's so self focused and focused on partying rather than raising her children. It was a very weighted conversation. My mom asked me something about my sister and I didn't know the answer so I just simply said, "I don't know, why don't you ask her?" - And there it was - The comment that has been chewing away at me for two weeks now. She says, "I haven't asked her, just like I don't ask you about your life, because I don't want to know."
Wait. Stop. What?!? What do you mean you don't want to know? You don't want to know the details of your children's lives. You don't have concern about what they're going through. You don't worry about them. I'm very perplexed as to why you wouldn't care, as a mother and as a human being.
I want to know everything about my daughter's life. I never want her to feel like she's alone, that she has no one that understands, no one that cares, or no one to turn to for guidance. Even in my mid 30's, I still need guidance, and hell, it would be nice to have just one person, especially my mother, to lean on. Yet, this is also why I'm such a powerhouse. This is what makes me strong, resilient, and determined to change the course of my family ways. At the end of the day, I know I'm still chasing true love. A love that I didn't grow up with, a love I've had to develop for myself, by myself. A love that I'm not sure I'll ever really find or experience from a man. I deeply desire to give my daughter the most loving and healthy family environment and while I'm successfully doing that on my own, I'd still like that level of love I just haven't found yet.
So there it is. One key moment that I've been allowing to rent space in my head for two weeks. Maybe now that it's out there, I can release it, forgive it for being painful, and move on to the shining moments in my life. Like what I'm doing for my daughter tomorrow that was probably the most incredible thing to date that she thinks I've done for her. I'd move mountains for that kid, like I have already many times.
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