My sexuality was forcefully turned on at an early age. At the age of nine to be exact. By thirteen, people were finally listening but it never really was those that should have been listening from the beginning. By the time I figured out how to function outside of a role I never asked to be in, I was nearly eighteen and still found myself being kept captive by certain triggers. Certain acts would render me useless and withdrawn. My life and my thoughts revolved around thinking that I was destined to be a broken and damaged piece of a person, so there I stayed for many years to come.
I continued to age, I continued to heal, and I continued to change. I found that what could have been a #metoo storyline for my life, instead become a not me too anthem for who I was going to be. I evolved and developed the person that I am, it may have taken some time, but I wasn’t going to allow someone else control that for me. Now in my thirties, my sexuality continues to thrive and at a healthy rate but it isn’t because I was someone’s victim. It’s because I developed a deep meaning for what self love is, what gratification is, and for what it means to develop connections beyond words. Someone else didn't make me who I am, I did, and only by choice and a lot of very hard work.
Sure I was someone’s victim at nine and for quite some time beyond that, but no one gets to dislike him more than me. I understand, I should probably hate him for everything he robbed of me in my life. He robbed my youth, he robbed my innocence, he robbed my trust, he robbed me of my family, and he robbed me of developing my own identity for a larger portion of my life. But here’s the thing, I hated him for many years; roughly about 18 if I had to give you a number and possibly even longer than that. And he robbed me of all those years too. He wouldn’t accept, acknowledge, nor apologize for his acts and for all that time I held on to my hate for everything leading up to my moment.
My moment was when I needed to decide. Do I continue to hate for my entire life, or do I understand the situation happened, that he will never have another acknowledged presence in my life, and find a way to love myself more than the hate I carried for him? I won’t ever forgive. Some acts in life can’t be forgiven, or maybe they can but I am not one of those kinds of people. The kind of person I am, is the one who chooses my own path, my own direction, and my own world. The kind that leaves the things I don't like and the things that aren't a part of positive self growth as far behind me as possible.
There’s a lot going on in the world, there has been for some time. One woman says something from 20 years ago happened and then suit follows with other women. As a woman, I personally find it hard to tell which are true and which are coattail riders. I can understand some time passing, I held quiet for a little bit until I reached out. I wasn’t believed so I held quiet again, for a little bit longer. I allowed one of the closest people to me make me feel like a captive all over again when they wouldn't believe the acts I was trying to tell them were taking place. But when a person is a victim, when trauma occurs, sooner rather than later a volcano erupts. There is so much anger, frustration, hurt, and fear that is buried inside that it simply can’t be kept quiet for long. For one to really have their cage rattled, they do all they can to escape the snakes that imprison them. The #metoo will continue, I won't say that as an adult I haven't been put in a situation to say it because I have, many times too often, but I shut it down immediately and I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel like a victim or make me feel like an object of any sort just so they can feel better about themselves.
As an adult and a happy one, I am still being told that I need to forgive this man and allow him back into my life. But that my friends, just simply will never happen. Throughout the years other events took place that showed a true character of how deviant this person can be, and that is never someone that I want in my life. I want those around me to understand that life is hard, and for some it's downright terrible; but that doesn't mean that we as individuals need to be miserable or horrible to each other. I could feel sad for the years I wasted feel angry, confused, and hostile in my life but I promise you that I am making up for it tenfold. If someone asks me how I'm doing and I can't say I'm amazing or fabulous without meaning it in some way, I know in that moment there is something that needs to be changed. I know that negative energy that we encompass and project reflects how others feel. I don't want that out in the universe, I want those that I come into contact with to walk away with just the tiniest bit of inspiration if I can do that for them.
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