The perfection of loving your body

I would love to tell my teenage self that the day will come when I will love my body. That my existence and my worth are not measured by the numbers on a scale. I want to tell her that constantly comparing myself to others is the most effective way to destroy myself and keep me from ever evolving, ever loving, and ever succeeding in most areas of my life. I want to tell her that controlling eating disorders is not something to be proud of but instead control things that will positively influence my life. Run, walk, climb; do anything other than kill yourself with the toxicity of never being able to reach "perfection" which doesn't at all exist. 

I don't know if it's a 'coming to age' in your thirties, I don't know if it's something about raising a preteen girl, but whatever the case may be, I have found that I love my body. A little over a year ago, I weighed less than I ever have and I accomplished it in a healthy manner. Today, I weigh more than I ever have and I'm getting back on track to bringing that number down some. The key to both those points in my life is that heavy or light, I love my body. My self image isn't perfect, there are of course things I'd like to change, but I don't destroy myself with the thoughts that I had for years upon years. I don't make myself miserable or those around me because I'm fighting off demons inside. 

For years I let demons control me, which in turn allowed me to control the only thing I thought I could; my weight and my food. I then let baggage from a controlling ex control me for years, I let the fear, the intimidation, and the abuse control me. Not a whole lot of my life is a secret to those close to me, I cannot be ashamed of where I've been. There's been reasons for it all. The greatest of this is as I get older, those things don't control me anymore. Outside forces will not force me into being someone I am not meant to be. 

There is no perfect body, there are no perfect boobs, there isn't a perfect relationship, and there is no perfect family. The only perfection in life that you can achieve is loving you for exactly who you are; who you are in this moment, who you will be next week, and who you will be a year from now. No matter how you may change, as long as you're changing for the better, that is what's perfect in life. The perfection of loving yourself. 

I know that my daughter struggles with how she looks. I know some of this has to do with family, I know some of this has to do with age, I know some of it has to do with school, and I know some of it has to do with society. However, that child will always be perfect to me. She is beautiful and loved, and there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't remind her of that. I know I can't stop the world from pressuring down on her, but I can be here to continually build her up so that she will love herself long before she reaches her thirties.

What do you mean when you say 'baby'?

I think when you hit a certain age, I'd say the age of about right now, the word baby needs to be reviewed. I can't say whether men or women are more at fault for the misuse of this word, but I see it all too often enough that we should talk about it.

I'm in my thirties as most of my friends are, some are nearing forty if they're not looking, however when I see a photo or I'm introduced to someone and you lead with, "This is my baby", I feel the incessant need to just walk away. I don't know if you're introducing me to your child who is either a teenager or coming close or if you're introducing me to your significant other. Kids these days look older than they should because society is forcing them to grow up before it's time for them to, as well as there's the fact that we're old.

If that's your child, by all means follow up with, "Well he/she isn't such a baby anymore". If that's your significant other, PLEASE just don't. The pet name of baby isn't a bad one in itself, it's a kind term of endearment but as an introductory piece, it should probably be avoided. Introducing someone and tagging them with a title is a case by case basis. I'm one who personally doesn't need a title to know who I am, there are others though that implode if they aren't given one. One however, does not need the title of baby as a leading role. 

When women push to look younger and girls push to look older, it's understandable how lines can get crossed. The line I don't want you to cross is being an adult dating a child. Which is exactly what I think when your introductory is "baby". If we all must conform to labels, let us at least agree to keep the labels accurate if possible.  

When You See the Sun Coming

Success is defined by the goals you set for yourself. Success is accomplished when you hold steadfast and have the patience to allow things to change. It takes a split second to rip your life apart, but the length of time it takes to put it back together is infinite. My life for years was in such a deplorable state, that admitting to it would be an embarrassment of epic proportions. I won't say I didn't have fun, but that fun came at a cost.

When I decided to be sober my driving force was the fact that I couldn't handle my grief, not only could I not handle it but I wasn't dealing with it at all. I was only drinking to bury the pain, which would only resurface by the time the sun was up the next day. My drinking manifested itself which in turn did damage not just to my life but to my daughter's. I was failing her when I fought so hard since the day she was born to never do such a thing. I knew getting sober wasn't going to heal the pain I felt, but I knew I needed to rip off the band-aid and let that open wound heal itself, no matter how long that took. 

People still can't wrap their heads around why I wouldn't want to drink, but dawn is coming upon my life and although the outside doesn't understand it, it's the inside that really matters. I needed to heal, I needed to heal more than just the pain from my grief; I needed to heal my heart from men breaking it, I needed to heal my soul from selling it to the highest bidder, I needed to heal my mind from the intoxication's of pharmaceuticals, I needed to heal from the rumors, heal my reputation, and heal from impulses. There was a lot on my plate that I was neglecting, and so that is some of the reason why I don't drink. 

The thing about life is there is a ripple effect. When you drop a tiny pebble what you may not realize is that the ripple effect could go on for years. So often we forget that before we act. Things are getting better and while it's taking time, I know that so long as I keep my focus and I keep moving forward, that eventually the ripple will calm. 

Today was a revelation in my grief. It was as if there was a whisper to my soul that said, "it's okay", in the calmest of fashions. It was a moment in which I knew the real healing was about to begin. Jeremy's cause of death was ADR; adverse drug reaction. 

Adverse:

adjective preventing success or development; harmful; unfavorable.

 

An adverse drug reaction (ADR) is an injury caused by taking a medication. ADR may occur following a single dose or prolonged administration of a drug or result from the combination of two or more drugs.

 

Do you know that there's actually an antibiotic out there in which it closes up my throat? Do you know that ADR could also be listed as my cause of death over something that I can be prescribed. There's a messed up moment for you. 

I almost wonder if I had cleaned up sooner if I could have saved him, again. I don't feel the guilt that should be tied to that statement, but I do feel the curiosity. While Jeremy struggled with a lot, I think his greatest struggle was like mine, there was just too much cross traffic going on inside his body to know which way to go. Before he died, he was making a good effort at trying to stay away from heroin but if you need to know anything, know that there is very little one can do to escape it's grip. At the time of death, his system contained small traces of nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, and heroin. Heroin is at the end of the day the killer, but all it took was one single last, small dose. 

It's okay to tell the would to F off so that you can heal yourself, because those that understand it will still be there. Those that watch you come back from the ashes, are the ones who were given to you for a reason. While my heart will always hurt from losing him, the wound is healing so that I can learn to love again; to love myself and to be able to want to find love.