Success is defined by the goals you set for yourself. Success is accomplished when you hold steadfast and have the patience to allow things to change. It takes a split second to rip your life apart, but the length of time it takes to put it back together is infinite. My life for years was in such a deplorable state, that admitting to it would be an embarrassment of epic proportions. I won't say I didn't have fun, but that fun came at a cost.
When I decided to be sober my driving force was the fact that I couldn't handle my grief, not only could I not handle it but I wasn't dealing with it at all. I was only drinking to bury the pain, which would only resurface by the time the sun was up the next day. My drinking manifested itself which in turn did damage not just to my life but to my daughter's. I was failing her when I fought so hard since the day she was born to never do such a thing. I knew getting sober wasn't going to heal the pain I felt, but I knew I needed to rip off the band-aid and let that open wound heal itself, no matter how long that took.
People still can't wrap their heads around why I wouldn't want to drink, but dawn is coming upon my life and although the outside doesn't understand it, it's the inside that really matters. I needed to heal, I needed to heal more than just the pain from my grief; I needed to heal my heart from men breaking it, I needed to heal my soul from selling it to the highest bidder, I needed to heal my mind from the intoxication's of pharmaceuticals, I needed to heal from the rumors, heal my reputation, and heal from impulses. There was a lot on my plate that I was neglecting, and so that is some of the reason why I don't drink.
The thing about life is there is a ripple effect. When you drop a tiny pebble what you may not realize is that the ripple effect could go on for years. So often we forget that before we act. Things are getting better and while it's taking time, I know that so long as I keep my focus and I keep moving forward, that eventually the ripple will calm.
Today was a revelation in my grief. It was as if there was a whisper to my soul that said, "it's okay", in the calmest of fashions. It was a moment in which I knew the real healing was about to begin. Jeremy's cause of death was ADR; adverse drug reaction.
Adverse:
adjective preventing success or development; harmful; unfavorable.
An adverse drug reaction (ADR) is an injury caused by taking a medication. ADR may occur following a single dose or prolonged administration of a drug or result from the combination of two or more drugs.
Do you know that there's actually an antibiotic out there in which it closes up my throat? Do you know that ADR could also be listed as my cause of death over something that I can be prescribed. There's a messed up moment for you.
I almost wonder if I had cleaned up sooner if I could have saved him, again. I don't feel the guilt that should be tied to that statement, but I do feel the curiosity. While Jeremy struggled with a lot, I think his greatest struggle was like mine, there was just too much cross traffic going on inside his body to know which way to go. Before he died, he was making a good effort at trying to stay away from heroin but if you need to know anything, know that there is very little one can do to escape it's grip. At the time of death, his system contained small traces of nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, and heroin. Heroin is at the end of the day the killer, but all it took was one single last, small dose.
It's okay to tell the would to F off so that you can heal yourself, because those that understand it will still be there. Those that watch you come back from the ashes, are the ones who were given to you for a reason. While my heart will always hurt from losing him, the wound is healing so that I can learn to love again; to love myself and to be able to want to find love.
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