I Don't Remember Asking For Your Opinion On My Parenting

Recently my daughter and I took our 2016 Summer vacation and it was a blast. Our sole purpose of the trip was to get away, see friends in Arizona, and visit California where she's been talking about going to college for at least a year. Neither of us had ever been to California so we were very excited to see the state, and to say it was insightful and beautiful would be an understatement. Our vacation felt much too short and left our hearts longing to make our home out west some day where the sun is almost always shining. As we returned home, I was able to share our vacation stories with friends and family alike. 

My mission as a parent has always been to put my child first (many say it but few do it), I want her to be a positive contribution to society when she grows up, and ultimately I don't want to raise an asshole. I have strived to produce a parenting style different than my own upbringing. While I still see some reflections of my parents at times, I also know that what was then just won't do for what my life is now. One very important thing I took away from my childhood was to instill the importance of education into my child(ren) so that they knew that having to struggle as an adult isn't mandatory but an option provided that choices you make throughout your life. My daughter has always done very well in school and I want to continue to see her go down that path. Since she was about 8 or so, she's been talking about how she wants to be a Graphic Designer when she grows up. Art is something that she's always loved and has been good at. I love seeing her creative side grow. 

Once I realized that her job desire wasn't wavering, I started talking to her about colleges. Something that shamefully enough, I don't know a whole lot about; but I'm grateful for friends who do. As we started talking about them, we also started looking into them. It's not anything that is time consuming but over the years, we've visited states and sometimes campuses to get a feel for the environment that she may or may not be dwelling in one day. It's been such a very cool thing for us to be able to do together. 

So with that being said, if one more person, especially those without any children, have the audacity to ridicule me or my daughter for looking at or discussing colleges at 11 - I may just lose my shit. 

 

The above picture popped up in my feed on Facebook this week and it couldn't have been more perfect timing for what's been swimming around in my thoughts for the past couple of weeks. Now yes, this child is exceptionally gifted to be attending college at 11, however I can almost bet that his parents did absolutely everything they could to support his continual growth. 

I feel like if I don't do my job as a parent and educate my daughter on everything good the world has to offer, she may end up thinking that settling in life is all there is to do. I want her to know that hard work will take you farther than being lackadaisical. I want her to know that pebbles she drops into life's ocean today will have a ripple effect far beyond the years she can see ahead. I want to set the bar high for her so that even if she only reaches it half way, she's still a success either way. 

After our trip I asked her if she still wanted to attend college in California. She said she didn't really want to, while some of the scenes are breathtaking, there's a lot to it that is just too much and frankly just not her cup of tea. We took a good tour around ASU and she saw a lot of what Arizona had to offer, and true to form, she's like her mother and Arizona very quickly won over her heart. 

I know there's still a few more years to go until she graduates, but I'm grateful for these moments I get to share with her. I'm grateful that I have the opportunities to travel with her and to show her what's really out there in the world for her to one day discover on her own. I've also learned that when she makes a decision like changing her mind on states to attend colleges in, she's put some real thought into it. So it's incredibly disheartening to me that people I keep close in my life would say the things I've been hearing since we've returned. Some have downright raised their voices in very opinionated protest, about how ridiculous it is for an 11 year old to be looking at, let alone talking about or making decisions on colleges. 

This is my child, I've raised her for nearly 12 years day in and day out, and I think if anyone was to know what's right or not right for her it would be me. So please, if you have an opinion on something like me pushing college, do me a solid and shut your mouth. As I said originally I won't raise an asshole, which also means that I won't raise a child who grows up to think she's entitled to something she hasn't worked for or earned. There are far worse things that parents impose upon their children, and frankly I cannot ever see college being on that list. 

My daughter is very much like me, almost too much at times. Except she's turning out to be an even better version and for that, I am incredibly blessed.

An Open Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

At five feet, three inches, I have broken you, abused you, mutilated you, starved you, and fed you to excess. I have done that and so many more horrible things, and through it all you've stuck by me and have yet to fail me. Instead what you have done is taught me a great deal about myself. You've taught me that no matter the scars I bear, the weight I lose, or the weight I carry, that I am each and every day stunningly beautiful just the way I am. 

You've taught me that even under crushing criticism from others, nothing else matters as long as you and I are together as one and loved as one. I spent too many years battling you instead of working with you, I let others tell me what was "wrong" with you and what I should "fix". I spent years magnifying you under a microscope that wasn't lead by my own heart and mind but instead by the hateful words of others. And for that, I am terribly sorry. 

I know that I will always be too skinny or too fat, I know that I will either be not strong enough or either too strong, and I know that I'll never fit into a mold that will make the person happy who has a voiced opinion; but I will day in and day out from now on love you, I will love you and I will love us together because God has made me so very perfect just the way that I am. 

Whether I am 100 pounds or 150 pounds, because we've been both in the past couple of years and have felt the hate on both ends, I promise to no more repeat the past and treat you so poorly. I will also work my hardest to show my daughter and all young women around me that our beauty standards as women are not defined or limited to the bodies we are born into. Our beauty is defined by how we approach the world, others, and how we treat humanity. Our beauty is within our creativity, our eagerness to learn, and our knowledge to do better in the world. 

I refuse to be influenced by the opinions of others and instead, live my life to the fullest, in the light and out of the shadows. 

Thank you for putting up with me.

Back Alley Hysterectomy

Fair warning - this blog is about "that time of the month", mostly though cramps. 

I got my period when I was 16 and for the next four years, every month was physical hell for me. Let me tell you, I know 16 is on the later side, but knowing what I know now about my body, I'm grateful it took it's time coming. Almost from the very first moment I can remember the searing pain inside, that burning, never relenting, pain that over and over again left me doubled over in pain while heaving my insides out hugging a toilet. One of my very first encounters I can remember laying there, home with my mom, curled up in a fetus position while crying because the pain was so bad; I had no idea that that was just the beginning. After my first year, I finally went to my Doctor and expressed how I simply cannot withstand this kind of pain every month. I was physically knocked off my feet for the first two to three days in pain, I had to tell jobs before they hired me even because even when I tried, I just couldn't function outside of my bed during those times. This was around the same time that I learned the very hard way that if my period was coming, I should not eat rice before the cramps arrive. Let me tell you, throwing up rice is like throwing up a fully formed sponge; literally almost passed out that night from a lack of air when it got stuck coming back up. I was told by my Doctor that I just have a severe case of cramps, told to always use heat and take over the counter pain relievers. WHAT A F#*#ING JOKE! As if that wasn't what I was already doing. I was also told that once I had a baby, the pain from cramps would be drastically different. So at 17 my choices were to deal with them, get pregnant, or my own personal regular request, get a hysterectomy. Yeah, I couldn't get my Doctor to bite on that last one. 

My life continued in those days in between, when I could actually live life and enjoy it. I moved out to Arizona after High School and fell in and out of love. There was one particularly painful month that my cramps came and I can remember being on the phone with my mom after throwing up, the pain was so intense, I was BEGGING her to help me find a way, any Doctor, that would give me a hysterectomy at 18. Being a mother was all I ever wanted to do in life, however I was willing to forego that deepest desire if I could just be done with the month after month torture I was enduring. At the time my boss was dating a girl who I just adored and got along with so well. As we became better friends I told her what was going on, as girls talk about this kind of stuff usually. Come to find out, she too experienced severe cramps and became a brief but almighty savior for me. That same night that I was on the phone begging to my mom for the hysterectomy, I had sent out an SOS to my friend. She often vacationed in Mexico and kept on her, for her own use, an arrangement of pain killers. She started giving them to me to help me get through each months battle. To be completely honest with you, I had zero idea of what I was taking, and I didn't give a damn. Those pills could have killed me, and I wouldn't have cared. The level of desperation that I was at by the time I was 18 was at it's highest, it was pathetic, and it was one more encounter away from a back alley hysterectomy - no joking. As you can see though, I lived, and those pills, those tiny cocktail of relief I popped every month got me through until I moved back to Illinois. 

By 20 I was pregnant! Oh sweet, sweet relief! No period and no cramps for 9 months!!!! Let me tell you I thought I was going to finally feel free even if it was only for 9 months. Oh man, how very wrong I was. Morning sickness became my new enemy, and not just you know a little here and there; we're talking 5 months of throwing up. I tried to tell my OBGYN that I couldn't keep anything down, and his advice was, "I need you to try". As the first trimester ended, and I was still battling morning sickness, it increased - it was becoming all day sickness; three times a days a lot of the time. If I put anything into my stomach, sure as shit, it was going to come back up. Another lesson in throwing up, you will choke to nearly death if a black olive and bread also gets lodged while coming back up. Bad Subway, bad. So back to the Doctor I go and to what a surprise (only if you're a complete idiot), I had lost 8 pounds. Here I am, second trimester in, and I'm losing weight. Then my Doctor finally notices and tells me about a very tiny, over the counter, pill cocktail and within that week, I wasn't throwing up much anymore, once in a blue moon, but I'll take it! What my primary Doctor and I came to learn was that my body doesn't do so well with hormone changes, and by "do so well" I mean tends to freak out to the Nth degree. It's a good thing to be self-aware of, trust me!

Now let's fast forward to last year, because up until last year, my periods were awesome (all things considered). Mood swings of PMS, sure without a doubt, but cramps weren't even a thing and each month everything was done and over with in 4-5 days. Holy shit having a baby worked for my insides like I never knew would be possible! But as promised by my Doctor, they did, without a doubt very slowly start to come back as of last year. 

I started this blog tonight because it's night one of what feels like a rusty, jagged, covered in evil demon, shredding my insides. While the vomiting, thankfully, has yet to return to the playing field, my Doctor is kind enough to prescribe me on the regular both 800 mg Ibuprofen and Vicodin. The cramps are, each month, getting worse and I know it's only a matter of time before even this concoction won't work anymore. So what am I left to do? What am I left to do at 33, when I can't really have anymore kids due to suspected fertility issues, too young to have a hysterectomy besides being refused as a voluntary thing - what do I do with my pain, and my tears, and my frustration?!? Tonight before the Ibuprofen and Vicodin kicked in, I couldn't even get up to go to the bathroom to pee the pain was so crippling; I honestly as a grown ass adult, wondered how long I could withhold peeing just so I wouldn't have to move. I'm now at a tolerable level of pain from cramps but my lower back feels like someone beat me with a crowbar, soon my "drugs" will wear off and for the next several hours, into tomorrow, it will be a steady balance of keeping the pain at bay until come Sunday, everything will be completely done and over with. And then next month, we'll start all over again. 

No one else in my family has anything close to what I deal with, at least not that I know of because no one has spoken about it. My biggest fear is now my daughter, what if she gets them like this too, how will I be able to care for her when after all this time, I'm still figuring out how to battle it myself, what will I do with the overwhelming guilt that I did that to her, I passed that on to her... there is an endless list of thoughts that install the highest levels of anxiety in me because the future of her puberty is still left in the unknown. I did recently see somewhere on Facebook that, of all people, Whoopi Goldberg and a friend have come up with pot infused cramp relief items. Things like bath soaks, lotions; those types of things where it isn't at all just smoking to get high. Now, I've been pot free since I got pregnant and maybe it would be a solution, but there is no way in hell I'm risking that with the way my ex stalks my life looking for reasons to destroy me. I am however highly curious as some people tried the products on camera, and they seemed to really help. These produces too of course, are only available in California (I believe), so there's also another reason why I'll never get to know if they'll help me find a better solution to cope with the hand I've been dealt. 

I am just frustrated by and suffocating under the pain as I try to keep quiet and just deal with it, alone.

Over the Love and In the Rainbow

It's been years since my heart kind of just went completely dark. It's been on a slow swing back into the light but I know it's still got such a long way to go. The only problem is, this week has been a week of I just don't care which way the pendulum swings anymore when it comes to love and affection in my life. When I'm not focused on the whole having a mate mentality and I am simply focused on enjoying my life, every single day is fantastic for me. People call or text asking how I am and my answer is always "fantastic", and it's weird for them. I don't blame them at all, I was messed up for way too many years, but I am so incredibly thankful that I've leveled out with age and I've found my center of gravity. However lately, I've been screwing around with that flimsy having a mate mentality and just as the story goes, it's completely burning my ass just like every other time.

Within the last couple of weeks I decided that okay, let's get back out there and date some. I've been trying some online dating, and pursuing people that I have a lot in common with.  Listen dating is about keeping your options open, but trust that when I find one whom I can trust, I'm all in. Let me just tell you that you would think, after 17 or so years of this bullshit, I'd learn to stop trying to add more to my mix and just love being fantastic the way I am - but no. I tend to get off track of being who I am and loving the life I'm building and go chasing after a dating life that is nothing but a fail. 

Focusing on my success and raising my daughter to be an amazing human being as she grows is really the things that make my days fantastic. Having someone there would be nice, but it's just too complicated for me to accomplish because I just honestly feel like men are just incapable of telling the truth. For the amount of times that I am lied to by the opposite sex is actually quite astonishing and frankly, as my 30's roll on, I am sick and tired of it. I am sick of people finding the opening statement of "you're gorgeous how are you single" as a foundation of what should make a relationship for me. My looks have never been my focal point; yes, I do take pride in being presentable, however I need you to look deeper than that. I am single because there is just too much bullshit to dating these days, I absolutely will not tolerate games or red flags, there is no room in my life for someone else to have inadequacies, and as one friend likes to put it to me, I'm just not soft enough. I don't find shirtless pictures or dick pictures attractive, however if you want to talk to me about Engineering or Computer Programing, trust me that I will be weak in the knees. There is also not to mention, that men these days, just don't hold up to the type of men I wish I was around back in the 50's; true gentlemen - stood when a woman came to the table, carried a handkerchief for crying ladies, and who were presentable in public. Trust me, I am not meant for this world. 

This weekend alone I was stalked by someone who was pretty much a complete fabrication, all the way down to the name he gave me which turned up zero Google searches. No one is exempt from Google. Then for another to completely blow off a date with me, lie to me about it, and then take a passive aggressive approach publicly, makes me realize that I want to be over the love and just live in my rainbow. My life without dating is absolutely fantastic! I love it so I don't know why I complicate it by attempting to date. It's hard at points, sure, like dressing up to go out or wanting to go have fun with someone, but I also know that I am enjoying my life with it just being me. I'm also learning that men who spend time tearing down and bashing women, are actually the problem themselves. If you pay close attention, you'll see this too. 

So I need to get back to my true focus and that is my life. I've come too far and I am too focused to have any of that derailed by hurt feelings, lies, and inadequate distractions. Be prepared for an onslaught of information pushed from my work life.