It's been years since my heart kind of just went completely dark. It's been on a slow swing back into the light but I know it's still got such a long way to go. The only problem is, this week has been a week of I just don't care which way the pendulum swings anymore when it comes to love and affection in my life. When I'm not focused on the whole having a mate mentality and I am simply focused on enjoying my life, every single day is fantastic for me. People call or text asking how I am and my answer is always "fantastic", and it's weird for them. I don't blame them at all, I was messed up for way too many years, but I am so incredibly thankful that I've leveled out with age and I've found my center of gravity. However lately, I've been screwing around with that flimsy having a mate mentality and just as the story goes, it's completely burning my ass just like every other time.
Within the last couple of weeks I decided that okay, let's get back out there and date some. I've been trying some online dating, and pursuing people that I have a lot in common with. Listen dating is about keeping your options open, but trust that when I find one whom I can trust, I'm all in. Let me just tell you that you would think, after 17 or so years of this bullshit, I'd learn to stop trying to add more to my mix and just love being fantastic the way I am - but no. I tend to get off track of being who I am and loving the life I'm building and go chasing after a dating life that is nothing but a fail.
Focusing on my success and raising my daughter to be an amazing human being as she grows is really the things that make my days fantastic. Having someone there would be nice, but it's just too complicated for me to accomplish because I just honestly feel like men are just incapable of telling the truth. For the amount of times that I am lied to by the opposite sex is actually quite astonishing and frankly, as my 30's roll on, I am sick and tired of it. I am sick of people finding the opening statement of "you're gorgeous how are you single" as a foundation of what should make a relationship for me. My looks have never been my focal point; yes, I do take pride in being presentable, however I need you to look deeper than that. I am single because there is just too much bullshit to dating these days, I absolutely will not tolerate games or red flags, there is no room in my life for someone else to have inadequacies, and as one friend likes to put it to me, I'm just not soft enough. I don't find shirtless pictures or dick pictures attractive, however if you want to talk to me about Engineering or Computer Programing, trust me that I will be weak in the knees. There is also not to mention, that men these days, just don't hold up to the type of men I wish I was around back in the 50's; true gentlemen - stood when a woman came to the table, carried a handkerchief for crying ladies, and who were presentable in public. Trust me, I am not meant for this world.
This weekend alone I was stalked by someone who was pretty much a complete fabrication, all the way down to the name he gave me which turned up zero Google searches. No one is exempt from Google. Then for another to completely blow off a date with me, lie to me about it, and then take a passive aggressive approach publicly, makes me realize that I want to be over the love and just live in my rainbow. My life without dating is absolutely fantastic! I love it so I don't know why I complicate it by attempting to date. It's hard at points, sure, like dressing up to go out or wanting to go have fun with someone, but I also know that I am enjoying my life with it just being me. I'm also learning that men who spend time tearing down and bashing women, are actually the problem themselves. If you pay close attention, you'll see this too.
So I need to get back to my true focus and that is my life. I've come too far and I am too focused to have any of that derailed by hurt feelings, lies, and inadequate distractions. Be prepared for an onslaught of information pushed from my work life.
No comments:
Post a Comment