Tuesday, July 25, 2017

You Have to Rise From the Ashes

By nature I am a very empathetic person, I am also a very curious person and the two fit well together. My life has taught me some amazing lessons and one of those is to recognize the toxicity and instability in others, so that I may avoid bringing that into my life. There is undoubtedly truth behind what you put out is what you bring in. If you want to put out negativity, it will surely find its way back to you. However, if you choose to be positive and count your blessings, your blessings will be bountiful. 

With that being said, it didn't take me long to recognize such mental instability in my daughter's father. When it showed it's glory in 2005, I had to get away from it. I made a conscious and decisive move that I would stick to no matter what hardships life would throw at me. No matter what. But with that, I have also been paying for the decision I made to leave him. He has made me feel like a prisoner for the last 12 years, and counting. Even in my silence and in my distance from him, there is no escaping his instability because we still have a daughter to share. 

It has been a full 2 years since the courts finally awarded him joint custody, and foolishly in doing so, they only fed into the twisted fantasy he creates for his world and fed the monster of his narcissism that lives proudly on display with him. Also imperative that you know that she has equal amount split time between our houses, this comes into play later in this blog.

For at least the first 6-7 years of her life I feared for mine. That man made more threats against my life than I could count, I had him arrested multiple times, a restraining order, and even so far as made a will just in case. Everyone that was close to me was on standby just in case any "natural" death occurred to know he was behind it. I worked really hard on myself to know his bark was far larger than his bite but to never trust him as far as I could throw his 400 lb body. 

My life today is amazing! My daughter is the most awesome and incredible gift God could have ever given me. The person she is growing into makes me so incredibly proud that I've been able to and willing to pour everything I had into raising her. I live in a place of enjoyment, happiness, and always feeling incredibly blessed. 

Now, while I don't fear for my life as much as I use to back when I first left him and his rage was at its height, don't be mistaken by that. We have 5 years left until she's 18 and we are both able to freely leave this state and have peaceful lives. But that doesn't mean, in a small corner of my mind, that I don't trust that he wouldn't make a fateful and damaging decision to a life before that 5 years expires. While his rage isn't always at its height, it is still thriving but that will not stop me because my fate in life has already been decided by God and not my ex.

Just this month I've received the following texts. This shows how incredibly unstable his mind really is. Now mind you, yes I did crop some of them, but not to withhold information but to simply cut down on irrelevant exchanges. I am always willing to share full details, I just try to spare the headaches if I'm able. If there's one thing I'm teaching my daughter it is that just because someone wants an argument or fight with you, does not mean that you need to participate in it. 

I know people often question the amount of "baggage" I share. But it's only baggage if you carry it around with you. This isn't my baggage, he isn't my baggage; because at the end of the day, he has no bearing on me living my life to the fullest and loving every minute of it. And that's what I want to pass on to others by sharing my experiences.  


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July 25



Saturday, July 22, 2017

The Gray Area

I laid there wrapped in my emotions like a heated blanket on a cold winter's day. I was engulfed in the darkness of the night with just the smallest light peaking in through the window. My body was heavy but completely numb, while my mind couldn't pick any one space, moment, or memory to be in. All I could wonder is who else was out there experiencing just the same. How many were soaking their pillows in tears right alongside me with the weight of loss and confusion, maybe even in thoughts of their own anguish. 

You can feel the weight of death as it crushes your chest. It's never just one thing but it's a million. The whys and what ifs, the could have beens and the never agains. The pain, the loss, the memories, the love; it's all just sitting on you, it's all swirling in your mind, consuming every ounce of you, but not you alone. Everyone is there with you, it's doing it to all of us. It's bringing back pain from the past, making scars rip open and wounds incredibly fresh. You could say your heart is bleeding again in pain but we all know that it's so broken that no actual blood feels like it's even flowing from it. 

People die. I know that and so do you. But how we die always seems to be the news. The truth happens and only the Lord knows it, but if you ask outside there's an opinion that was never asked for being spoken. There's a million ways to die but even the most innocent accident could be view as an intentional departure to the ones that need a story the most. I don't care how someone died. The manner of their death doesn't impact the value of their life.

When someones light goes out, who is anyone to speak poorly about it. You never stood where they were, walked their path or held their pain. Yes someone may leave behind family, friends, even children but you don't get to judge their story and you most certainly don't get to judge their ending. Everyone seems to want to have an opinion but while you're voicing yours that shouldn't have been ringing out, it's making that crushing weight of death even worse for those in mourning. 

I know we were raised better but somewhere along the line we have forgotten to respect the dead. We lost sight of shutting our mouths if we didn't have anything nice to say, and remembering that life, whether thriving in front of you or now an empty shell, still holds the maximum amount of value to someone, even if that isn't you. 

Keep some sense and just let souls rest, let hearts mourn, and let's remember that not every moment in life needs an opinion attached to it. 

The years will pass but the memories won't fade, so if you feel like you need to condemn someone because of the manner of their death, just remember you were never them. You weren't in that moment, and you have zero idea of what that final moment was for them.




Monday, July 17, 2017

Never Spoken

Over the course of a year or more, some time ago, I jotted down these quick individual notes about someone in a notebook. It wasn't until today that I found them. 



The moments come back to me in pieces. 
Sometimes it feels like there's a movie playing 
out in my own head. I've known you for more years 
than I can remember, but it hasn't been until now that 
I've really felt like I know you. 


Growing up I always felt that you saw past me 
rather than seeing me; mostly my own perception 
of how I saw myself, I'm sure. I watched you live 
and every time I did it was painful. 
I always feared for you because you 
knew how to enjoy your life, 
but I worried that fun would take you away. 


I always saw amazing potential in you. 
I still do. 

 

Years, time, and distance were things 
that happened, almost without really realizing it. 
And then there you were again. And just like 
when we were young, just like in high school, 
just like today, my heart beats again when you are near. 

 

I remember a time we were going to the movies, 
like we always do, and in your empty and clean 
backseat sat a Bible. We hadn't yet shared a kiss, 
but in that moment, I could have kissed you 
for the rest of the night. 

 

Every time you put on your glasses, 
usually to drive, I have to fight 
the flood of emotions I feel for you. 
Everything you do I find makes you 
more attractive to me and I like it. 

 

I adore you. 
I just simply do. 
And I tell you without 
telling you too much. 

 

You are so profoundly 
intellectually stimulating, 
while also being my safe and quiet place 
if I need be. 

 

Being your guest out at public events is delightful. 
It may be a lot of the fact that we get along well 
and I enjoy time with you but you're very attentive 
and courteous to me. 

 

You & me, 
we jive well.

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to 
adequately express not only how much 
I hoped your life turned out well, 
but also how proud of you for the 
person you've become. 




How often is it that the things we think, we actually say?


 
The grammar isn't up to par but doesn't need to be when notes are taken in moments of remembrance. I didn't alter any of it to make myself look better, instead I left them as they are as a lesson for myself and others. Our feelings, good or bad, left unsaid, leave us in states of wonderment. 

It was everything that she never said.