By nature I am a very empathetic person, I am also a very curious person and the two fit well together. My life has taught me some amazing lessons and one of those is to recognize the toxicity and instability in others, so that I may avoid bringing that into my life. There is undoubtedly truth behind what you put out is what you bring in. If you want to put out negativity, it will surely find its way back to you. However, if you choose to be positive and count your blessings, your blessings will be bountiful.
With that being said, it didn't take me long to recognize such mental instability in my daughter's father. When it showed it's glory in 2005, I had to get away from it. I made a conscious and decisive move that I would stick to no matter what hardships life would throw at me. No matter what. But with that, I have also been paying for the decision I made to leave him. He has made me feel like a prisoner for the last 12 years, and counting. Even in my silence and in my distance from him, there is no escaping his instability because we still have a daughter to share.
It has been a full 2 years since the courts finally awarded him joint custody, and foolishly in doing so, they only fed into the twisted fantasy he creates for his world and fed the monster of his narcissism that lives proudly on display with him. Also imperative that you know that she has equal amount split time between our houses, this comes into play later in this blog.
For at least the first 6-7 years of her life I feared for mine. That man made more threats against my life than I could count, I had him arrested multiple times, a restraining order, and even so far as made a will just in case. Everyone that was close to me was on standby just in case any "natural" death occurred to know he was behind it. I worked really hard on myself to know his bark was far larger than his bite but to never trust him as far as I could throw his 400 lb body.
My life today is amazing! My daughter is the most awesome and incredible gift God could have ever given me. The person she is growing into makes me so incredibly proud that I've been able to and willing to pour everything I had into raising her. I live in a place of enjoyment, happiness, and always feeling incredibly blessed.
Now, while I don't fear for my life as much as I use to back when I first left him and his rage was at its height, don't be mistaken by that. We have 5 years left until she's 18 and we are both able to freely leave this state and have peaceful lives. But that doesn't mean, in a small corner of my mind, that I don't trust that he wouldn't make a fateful and damaging decision to a life before that 5 years expires. While his rage isn't always at its height, it is still thriving but that will not stop me because my fate in life has already been decided by God and not my ex.
Just this month I've received the following texts. This shows how incredibly unstable his mind really is. Now mind you, yes I did crop some of them, but not to withhold information but to simply cut down on irrelevant exchanges. I am always willing to share full details, I just try to spare the headaches if I'm able. If there's one thing I'm teaching my daughter it is that just because someone wants an argument or fight with you, does not mean that you need to participate in it.
I know people often question the amount of "baggage" I share. But it's only baggage if you carry it around with you. This isn't my baggage, he isn't my baggage; because at the end of the day, he has no bearing on me living my life to the fullest and loving every minute of it. And that's what I want to pass on to others by sharing my experiences.
July 9
July 18
July 23
July 25
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