I am having a day or week, really it's going to be a few months, of very mixed emotions. I feel so raw that honestly, tonight I'm thinking about heading to the bar. 7 months and 19 days sober and I just want convince myself that a little bit won't hurt. Ignorance and denial at it's best.
In with the good. Today was amazing and the amount of pride that I feel for myself and Delila is insurmountable. I know, it's only a 5k, but it's something that I have wanted to do for so long but I always talked myself out of it. I've never been a runner and doing something like this actually gave me a lot of anxiety. If it weren't for my doll, April, I would have backed out of doing it. Actually I was planning on it, until she said she bought her tickets, then I knew I couldn't. Driving into the city today my anxiety started kicking in, some to do with - I always have a little anxiety going into the city which passes when I'm there, some because I always remember Jeremy's last words about the city, and some because I was going to do something completely new.
After 2 miles, Delila was wearing thin. She wanted to sit, but she pushed thru; I let her and the other girls lag a little behind and walk the rest as April and I took a little of a lead ahead of them. As I crossed the finish line, I probably could have and almost did break down and cry just in sheer pride of myself for doing something outside of my comfort zone. Little accomplishments in life are so much more rewarding for me, especially when they're accomplishments that people don't know I'm doing. Delila has already asked when we can do more because she had so much fun, which is very pleasing to hear.
Out with the bad. Jeremy's birthday is a little more than a week away and the desire to drink and drown my thoughts and pain is pretty soul consuming. I want to cry, almost all the time. I don't know how anyone has handled his death over the years but I'm very much still in the moment. It's not a reality that I've yet grown accustomed to yet, nor do I really want to. After his birthday is Christmas, then his daughter's birthday, and before you know it, his anniversary. Jeremy was a constant for me, I always knew that no matter what he would always be there. Even in questioning times, even when he floated close to the edge of death before, I still just ..... we had an agreement that he couldn't leave. He wasn't supposed to leave!!
On Tuesday, I will be at a wake for a very close friend of mine, who lost his mom last week. I will be there, and although I will probably be a complete disaster because my grief is still so consuming, if he needs me, I will be there. He was there for me during Jeremy's wake and we've been through plenty of others together. I know he'll have plenty of support, but if we don't have our constants, what are we.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
Etch a Sketch of Desire
Last time I stood in the mirror, I'm almost sure I didn't look like a revolving door. I'm also sure I didn't look like a news stand on the corner of a busy intersection. So at what point, or what year, did it become acceptable to treat people like conveniences? When did anyone learn that it's okay to be with someone, bond with someone, get deep with someone, and then just walk away; only to come back and walk away again, and continue on that routine. People aren't like an Etch-a-Sketch. You can't create the picture you want to, make it go away, and then make it come back when you want it to. Life doesn't work like that, and frankly you're a jerk if you think it does.
For years, I put myself through being a convenience for guys. I was lacking something within myself that I was so desperate for love, that I thought if I allowed that behavior that it would show that I'm flexible and therefore, lovable. I also would accept love in just about any fashion that I could get it. Which is actually very disgusting behavior; but again, it's where I came from and it's what has lead me here and now, to write for you.
I could exhume the past, all the way back to when I was very small, but this isn't therapy and doing so is not really a good resource of my time. But when someone lacks the love they should have and need to have for themselves, they search for it most of the time in the most awful of ways. It wasn't until I took a real hard look at myself and when I made the decision to clean myself up and sober up, that I finally fell in love with who I am.
I still have a few lingering past relationships that seem to still think I'll just be there when they call, but I'm not that person. I'm not that weak, and I don't have my head in the sand like I use to.
When you lead someone on, when you cross lines of having sex, when you build something and bond with someone, and then just stop; that other person doesn't just go away. Here's the thing, and I'm not here to just attack guys because ladies are just as guilty. Know what you want. If you want someone, commit to it, work through it, and stick it out even when you have doubts or get spooked. Life and relationships aren't meant to be easy, heck work, kids, pets; nothing is easy. Things take work and dedication. You can't lose weight by not working towards it, same as you can't have a partner who loves you if you're not working towards it.
I don't feel alone or unloved anymore. I'm still single and I've been single all year, which is quite an adult thing for me to do and actually may just be a first, but I've found myself. I've found how to enjoy life without making it muddy or blacking out and forgetting parts of it. I've found enjoyment in things that you wouldn't even begin to understand. Sure a part of me would enjoy having a healthy, faith filled, steady relationship, but God is still teaching me a lot of things and until he's done teaching me, I'm rocking me, just the way that I am.
Below is so much beyond my favorite, that I even tattooed verse 9 on my arm to see every day, to remind me that this is where Jesus wants me to be, and wants us to be.
For years, I put myself through being a convenience for guys. I was lacking something within myself that I was so desperate for love, that I thought if I allowed that behavior that it would show that I'm flexible and therefore, lovable. I also would accept love in just about any fashion that I could get it. Which is actually very disgusting behavior; but again, it's where I came from and it's what has lead me here and now, to write for you.
I could exhume the past, all the way back to when I was very small, but this isn't therapy and doing so is not really a good resource of my time. But when someone lacks the love they should have and need to have for themselves, they search for it most of the time in the most awful of ways. It wasn't until I took a real hard look at myself and when I made the decision to clean myself up and sober up, that I finally fell in love with who I am.
I still have a few lingering past relationships that seem to still think I'll just be there when they call, but I'm not that person. I'm not that weak, and I don't have my head in the sand like I use to.
When you lead someone on, when you cross lines of having sex, when you build something and bond with someone, and then just stop; that other person doesn't just go away. Here's the thing, and I'm not here to just attack guys because ladies are just as guilty. Know what you want. If you want someone, commit to it, work through it, and stick it out even when you have doubts or get spooked. Life and relationships aren't meant to be easy, heck work, kids, pets; nothing is easy. Things take work and dedication. You can't lose weight by not working towards it, same as you can't have a partner who loves you if you're not working towards it.
I don't feel alone or unloved anymore. I'm still single and I've been single all year, which is quite an adult thing for me to do and actually may just be a first, but I've found myself. I've found how to enjoy life without making it muddy or blacking out and forgetting parts of it. I've found enjoyment in things that you wouldn't even begin to understand. Sure a part of me would enjoy having a healthy, faith filled, steady relationship, but God is still teaching me a lot of things and until he's done teaching me, I'm rocking me, just the way that I am.
Below is so much beyond my favorite, that I even tattooed verse 9 on my arm to see every day, to remind me that this is where Jesus wants me to be, and wants us to be.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
With every purchase you get a FREE soul!
Being an independent consultant for a company isn't a bad thing, I was one years ago for both Avon and Partylite. If you have sold your soul in exchange for pushing your product, we should probably talk.
Currently on my Facebook page I think I have at the minimum of 8 people who are independent consultants for various companies, and that's on the light side as I know I'm leaving some people out. I'm pretty concerned that they've all sold their souls to multiple customers. I'm kidding, but I am finding it becomes incredibly difficult to maintain friendships with independent consultants because you may want to catch up with them but somehow, they always end up selling you something or trying to get you to sell with them.
There is a very fine balance between selling your product and keeping your name out there to make money, and putting it aside to just be present with your friends. You need to know your audience, more importantly, you need to know your friends. I adore small businesses, some amazing products come from small businesses, and that's where everyone starts, so by no means am I saying don't do it or don't make a living, just calm the nut tree down a little.
Today in fact I made the jump into another friends business whom went above and beyond for me. It meant more to me than I would even be able to put into words right now because life is so busy that I hardly find time for the basics like food or bathroom breaks - seriously. However, when a friend has a genuine passion for what they sell or when they really are committed to being a true friend and working with you, then your investment into their product is also an investment into their future because you want to see them succeed and do well.
I wish you well, I want to see you do well; just remember to cherish your friendships before your pursuit for money and success.
Currently on my Facebook page I think I have at the minimum of 8 people who are independent consultants for various companies, and that's on the light side as I know I'm leaving some people out. I'm pretty concerned that they've all sold their souls to multiple customers. I'm kidding, but I am finding it becomes incredibly difficult to maintain friendships with independent consultants because you may want to catch up with them but somehow, they always end up selling you something or trying to get you to sell with them.
There is a very fine balance between selling your product and keeping your name out there to make money, and putting it aside to just be present with your friends. You need to know your audience, more importantly, you need to know your friends. I adore small businesses, some amazing products come from small businesses, and that's where everyone starts, so by no means am I saying don't do it or don't make a living, just calm the nut tree down a little.
Today in fact I made the jump into another friends business whom went above and beyond for me. It meant more to me than I would even be able to put into words right now because life is so busy that I hardly find time for the basics like food or bathroom breaks - seriously. However, when a friend has a genuine passion for what they sell or when they really are committed to being a true friend and working with you, then your investment into their product is also an investment into their future because you want to see them succeed and do well.
I wish you well, I want to see you do well; just remember to cherish your friendships before your pursuit for money and success.
Friday, November 27, 2015
Like a Dollar
Music is a powerful gift and comes in so many different forms and languages, as Adele puts out a new song, 'Hello', it says a lot. As I'm sure it will get old quickly as most overplayed things do, but at the moment, for anyone who connects to it and can understand it, the amount of remorse that is amplified within that song is what so many not only feel, but also want to hear from someone. I've seen that most people love the song, understandably so, with a few that just don't like it.
For those that don't like it, I wonder about them. I wonder what guilt they're trying to run away from. What apologies that should give, or what apologies they're denying they'd want to hear. It's completely unfair to let someone fall for you and then just simply walk away from them. That's a total mistreatment of another soul. To be an adult, is to explain yourself, to apologize for your wrongdoings, and to ask for forgiveness. I personally have had to apologize to people I have wronged; sometimes they accept it, sometimes they just ignore me. That's something they need to deal with within themselves, I however have cleared my guilt for hurting someone. As I should, because it's wrong.
What angers me though is when you knowingly deceive someone to gain an advantage with them. You may use the past you've had with them to play into their want to have a future with you, you may use they're interests, passions, or faith to get your foot in the door; whatever it may be, it's wrong to use someone and then just simply walk away from them only because you had something inside you short circuit and it was nothing that that other person did. I am terribly hard on myself when I fall for someone, I let them in, and then just out of nowhere they walk away; only to come back at some other time to tell me that they short circuited. I mean...your bad? I don't know what to say to that; if you did it once, in some cases more than once, you'll do it again. I don't want that, I don't want that uncertainty looming over me constantly.
Being right with myself, with my Lord, and with my past is what I've been working really hard on. I'm embarrassed of where I've come from and the things I've done. But that's exactly how I know that I've grown up too, and I've grown as a person, and I've grown as a woman. My past was shameful, but I've learned from it and I want to be better than it, even more, I want to be someone whom my daughter admires.
I know my true friends would like to see me find someone, I mean heck I'd like to find someone; cuddles aren't so great in a bed of one. But for the time, my life is still really good. I have great things to look forward to, one especially being Delila's future as we've started talking about colleges. If and when my time comes for someone special, I'll promise you this, it will be great and it will be cherished, but it has to be right by God.
Single isn't so bad, you can still have companionship without being in a relationship, and frankly, I've got some great companionship's with my friends.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Osage
It's so easy to razz someone when you know nothing about who they are. I don't like traditional holidays, I haven't for some time now, but when Jeremy died, that was the breaking point for me. Not only does no one really know what most holidays are even about, but for 11 years I've had to fight with an ex over time with our daughter; he feels he should have her every holiday for the entire day without any contact with me, and now, let's be honest, I want my effin brother! That's all I want, that's all I ever want, all the time. When someone complains about something so completely irrelevant to real problems, all I want to say is 'well I want my brother back, life is what it is'.
You may think I'm trying to make a statement or what have you, but in reality, I'm usually alone on holidays, even if I'm with people. When you lose someone so incredibly close to you, your entire existence changes. Talking to my mom last night, she asked what my plans were and when I said nothing she said, well you can come up here but I won't be home most of the day. Um, hey thanks...?
Don't get me wrong, I do partake in the traditional holidays as almost everyone does, I just do it on my own time. Dinner was at my mom's last weekend, and this weekend is at my dad's. I want to be me, and not be forced into a position or crowd just to make it easier for everyone else. Even in high school, I "fought" against being herded into class rooms like cattle.
It's not about being difficult or breaking rules, it's just that I like to make my own path in life. And there is nothing wrong with that. You can be an individual without making a negative impact on the world.
I don't think stores that are open on Thanksgiving 'hate families', I think it's good for people who may not have families, who may be alone, who may not have plans and still want to feel like a normal person when they aren't partaking in what events most people are. Everyone comes from a different life, everyone has different circumstances surrounding them, and not everyone has the exact same thing going for them as the next.
So when you're sitting around the table, when you're teaching your kids, when you're being gluttonous, do you know why you get to do that? Do you know how you got to have the day off work and do you know what you're "thankful" for? Columbus stumbled upon North America because he was lost, and when he saw the Native Americans he called them Indians because he thought he was in India. Columbus wasn't looking for it, he was a man, who was lost, and took what wasn't his.
You may think I'm trying to make a statement or what have you, but in reality, I'm usually alone on holidays, even if I'm with people. When you lose someone so incredibly close to you, your entire existence changes. Talking to my mom last night, she asked what my plans were and when I said nothing she said, well you can come up here but I won't be home most of the day. Um, hey thanks...?
Don't get me wrong, I do partake in the traditional holidays as almost everyone does, I just do it on my own time. Dinner was at my mom's last weekend, and this weekend is at my dad's. I want to be me, and not be forced into a position or crowd just to make it easier for everyone else. Even in high school, I "fought" against being herded into class rooms like cattle.
It's not about being difficult or breaking rules, it's just that I like to make my own path in life. And there is nothing wrong with that. You can be an individual without making a negative impact on the world.
I don't think stores that are open on Thanksgiving 'hate families', I think it's good for people who may not have families, who may be alone, who may not have plans and still want to feel like a normal person when they aren't partaking in what events most people are. Everyone comes from a different life, everyone has different circumstances surrounding them, and not everyone has the exact same thing going for them as the next.
So when you're sitting around the table, when you're teaching your kids, when you're being gluttonous, do you know why you get to do that? Do you know how you got to have the day off work and do you know what you're "thankful" for? Columbus stumbled upon North America because he was lost, and when he saw the Native Americans he called them Indians because he thought he was in India. Columbus wasn't looking for it, he was a man, who was lost, and took what wasn't his.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Against the grain
Seven months I've been on the wagon, and I think I'm finally at the stage where I'm okay with it. I spend more time giving people my questionable face than I do giving them my wanting face. I'm not in the least bit sorry for people feeling uncomfortable around me for the last 7 months, and I'm not the least bit sorry that they've missed out on my life because they can't find the balance of hanging out because I don't drink anymore.
I am finding though that people are now at the point where it's 'time for me to start drinking again' per their schedules. The offers for my favorites and the ideas that I'd like to 'hang out' at a bar are becoming common place again. I'm not sure where these people have been, except right next to me, but this isn't the 7 inning stretch or the 7 year itch (see what I did there), I'm good; actually I'm great not drinking. The only thing that I am finding hard to maneuver is actual dating. Do you realize that almost every single person drinks, and almost to excess? Probably not because you might be one of them. It's cool though, to each their own; I am not here to judge anyone.
The same as I don't want to be with someone who smokes, I don't want to be with someone who drinks. It's just a crutch that I'm willing to walk away from in my life, and the temptation of having it around is something I just don't want. I now understand why sparks from the past didn't develop with people who I knew that didn't drink while I did.
Society and the media has us so warped to thinking that to survive, to deal, to socialize, and to function, we must drink. Take paint nights for example, I really want to do them but their focus is 'come drink and have a good time'. Pardon me, I am very capable of having a good time without drinking, could you host a night of just painting and socializing as an alternative? Target to add drinking while shopping? Explain to me why that is even necessary.
I'm still early on this path in my life so I've still got a long way to go, but finding people whom I can share this ground with is something I very much look forward to.
I am finding though that people are now at the point where it's 'time for me to start drinking again' per their schedules. The offers for my favorites and the ideas that I'd like to 'hang out' at a bar are becoming common place again. I'm not sure where these people have been, except right next to me, but this isn't the 7 inning stretch or the 7 year itch (see what I did there), I'm good; actually I'm great not drinking. The only thing that I am finding hard to maneuver is actual dating. Do you realize that almost every single person drinks, and almost to excess? Probably not because you might be one of them. It's cool though, to each their own; I am not here to judge anyone.
The same as I don't want to be with someone who smokes, I don't want to be with someone who drinks. It's just a crutch that I'm willing to walk away from in my life, and the temptation of having it around is something I just don't want. I now understand why sparks from the past didn't develop with people who I knew that didn't drink while I did.
Society and the media has us so warped to thinking that to survive, to deal, to socialize, and to function, we must drink. Take paint nights for example, I really want to do them but their focus is 'come drink and have a good time'. Pardon me, I am very capable of having a good time without drinking, could you host a night of just painting and socializing as an alternative? Target to add drinking while shopping? Explain to me why that is even necessary.
I'm still early on this path in my life so I've still got a long way to go, but finding people whom I can share this ground with is something I very much look forward to.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Judge and Jury
This morning on my way into work I had to swing into Walgreens to pick up one thing. As I walked in the doors, two ladies behind the counter very nicely welcomed me. I grabbed my one item and got to the register where they were as I walked in.
The cashier asked me if I had gotten my flu shot yet or recently. I informed her that I don't get flu shots.
*gasp, I know*
She of course asked me why not, as I'm sure that's her job. As I'm getting to my wallet I simply said it was for personal reasons.
The air quickly left the room for the second woman standing there, a manager I believe. So the cashier says, "Oh, no reason". I corrected her and said that I said it was for personal reasons to which she countered with, "then I won't ask". I gave a light chuckle and said that I would be late for work if we discussed it.
Here's where my issues is. I have a very good feeling that those ladies very quickly classified me as an anti-vaxer. While that's not something I'll get into in this blog, it does bother me that people are so quick to be the Judge and jury for people whom simply keep encounters short and cordial.
My reasons for not getting the flu shot are of many, but none are about being an anti-vaxer. I've seen so many close to me for many different reasons get the flu shot every year, and every year they get sick. Not just flu or cold sick, but upper respiratory, nearly hospitalized, sick. Also, I quite like having the flu. Twisted I know but I'd take that any day over a head cold. As an optional measure of precaution, I would rather just not get a flu shot. Plus I haven't had the flu in 9-10 years so I'm okay going against the grain.
I don't like labels, I don't like being classified, and I don't like being boxed in. So the next time someone is being polite yet trying to get to their job on time, please be careful of your judgements.
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