Etch a Sketch of Desire

Last time I stood in the mirror, I'm almost sure I didn't look like a revolving door. I'm also sure I didn't look like a news stand on the corner of a busy intersection. So at what point, or what year, did it become acceptable to treat people like conveniences? When did anyone learn that it's okay to be with someone, bond with someone, get deep with someone, and then just walk away; only to come back and walk away again, and continue on that routine. People aren't like an Etch-a-Sketch. You can't create the picture you want to, make it go away, and then make it come back when you want it to. Life doesn't work like that, and frankly you're a jerk if you think it does.

For years, I put myself through being a convenience for guys. I was lacking something within myself that I was so desperate for love, that I thought if I allowed that behavior that it would show that I'm flexible and therefore, lovable. I also would accept love in just about any fashion that I could get it. Which is actually very disgusting behavior; but again, it's where I came from and it's what has lead me here and now, to write for you.

I could exhume the past, all the way back to when I was very small, but this isn't therapy and doing so is not really a good resource of my time. But when someone lacks the love they should have and need to have for themselves, they search for it most of the time in the most awful of ways. It wasn't until I took a real hard look at myself and when I made the decision to clean myself up and sober up, that I finally fell in love with who I am.

I still have a few lingering past relationships that seem to still think I'll just be there when they call, but I'm not that person. I'm not that weak, and I don't have my head in the sand like I use to.

When you lead someone on, when you cross lines of having sex, when you build something and bond with someone, and then just stop; that other person doesn't just go away. Here's the thing, and I'm not here to just attack guys because ladies are just as guilty. Know what you want. If you want someone, commit to it, work through it, and stick it out even when you have doubts or get spooked. Life and relationships aren't meant to be easy, heck work, kids, pets; nothing is easy. Things take work and dedication. You can't lose weight by not working towards it, same as you can't have a partner who loves you if you're not working towards it.

I don't feel alone or unloved anymore. I'm still single and I've been single all year, which is quite an adult thing for me to do and actually may just be a first, but I've found myself. I've found how to enjoy life without making it muddy or blacking out and forgetting parts of it. I've found enjoyment in things that you wouldn't even begin to understand. Sure a part of me would enjoy having a healthy, faith filled, steady relationship, but God is still teaching me a lot of things and until he's done teaching me, I'm rocking me, just the way that I am.

Below is so much beyond my favorite, that I even tattooed verse 9 on my arm to see every day, to remind me that this is where Jesus wants me to be, and wants us to be.