If Tomorrow Never Came

My coworkers say I seem crabby lately, which I didn't think I was. And while yes, I'm tired of dealing with grown children at work, I guess I'm also pretty crabby because I have to celebrate my brother's 36th birthday without him. Another birthday, another Christmas, another damn year without him. Saturday night I was in bed by 5 pm and it was great, until about 9 pm when things got real. My mind started to wonder about the days when I would drink. How drinking now would help with forgetting how broken my heart truly is still. I was remembering the fun I use to have while drinking and how I was invited out by so many "friends". And then as the thoughts kept evolving, I started crying.

I started crying which wasn't just tears but a full on panic attack. I cried because I know that all of those people that I hung out with and who no longer invite me because I don't drink, aren't really my friends. I started to cry because while drinking till I blacked out sounds good, if I did and sobered up, reality would still be waiting right by my bedside for me. I cried because I don't know how to get through his birthday, his anniversary, or my birthday; seriously, I don't know how to get through it. I cry now as I write this because I literally just had one contact pop out, but also because I'm pissed and sad and I miss him more than anything else I've ever known.

I saw this art below of this girl weeks ago, and for weeks, this is how I felt on the inside but more how I felt I looked to the outside world.  I see such beauty in the art but I also see the depth of it too.

Tomorrow I have to work, then I'll come home to do mom things and laundry and I'll go to bed, all alone, just me and my broken soul. Delila catches me crying at random times, when she asks me if my life would be different if Uncle Jeremy were still here, or whenever reality just creeps in on me; all of which I try to play off like it's no big deal.

Please understand, I really am grateful for my life a majority of the year, and there's times I can feel my heart beating again. So please don't let my light be dimmed by the pain I still feel. But there are also times of the year when Jeremy's presence is missed so much that it's just an all consuming feeling. I adore some of the most valuable people in my life, and I am never short on telling them so. I don't ever want anyone to feel like they weren't important to me nor that they aren't amazing.

I always wonder about what would happen if tomorrow never came for me, and while some day it will happen to each of us, while we're here we need support, encourage, and be positive lights in each others lives.

There will come a day that missing Jeremy won't hurt so bad, at least I think so. I hope there will also be a day where the depth of how great he was outweighs the event of his death. I've never had someone love and protect me as much as he did, and those are just a couple of the very long list of things I miss about him.