I am having a day or week, really it's going to be a few months, of very mixed emotions. I feel so raw that honestly, tonight I'm thinking about heading to the bar. 7 months and 19 days sober and I just want convince myself that a little bit won't hurt. Ignorance and denial at it's best.
In with the good. Today was amazing and the amount of pride that I feel for myself and Delila is insurmountable. I know, it's only a 5k, but it's something that I have wanted to do for so long but I always talked myself out of it. I've never been a runner and doing something like this actually gave me a lot of anxiety. If it weren't for my doll, April, I would have backed out of doing it. Actually I was planning on it, until she said she bought her tickets, then I knew I couldn't. Driving into the city today my anxiety started kicking in, some to do with - I always have a little anxiety going into the city which passes when I'm there, some because I always remember Jeremy's last words about the city, and some because I was going to do something completely new.
After 2 miles, Delila was wearing thin. She wanted to sit, but she pushed thru; I let her and the other girls lag a little behind and walk the rest as April and I took a little of a lead ahead of them. As I crossed the finish line, I probably could have and almost did break down and cry just in sheer pride of myself for doing something outside of my comfort zone. Little accomplishments in life are so much more rewarding for me, especially when they're accomplishments that people don't know I'm doing. Delila has already asked when we can do more because she had so much fun, which is very pleasing to hear.
Out with the bad. Jeremy's birthday is a little more than a week away and the desire to drink and drown my thoughts and pain is pretty soul consuming. I want to cry, almost all the time. I don't know how anyone has handled his death over the years but I'm very much still in the moment. It's not a reality that I've yet grown accustomed to yet, nor do I really want to. After his birthday is Christmas, then his daughter's birthday, and before you know it, his anniversary. Jeremy was a constant for me, I always knew that no matter what he would always be there. Even in questioning times, even when he floated close to the edge of death before, I still just ..... we had an agreement that he couldn't leave. He wasn't supposed to leave!!
On Tuesday, I will be at a wake for a very close friend of mine, who lost his mom last week. I will be there, and although I will probably be a complete disaster because my grief is still so consuming, if he needs me, I will be there. He was there for me during Jeremy's wake and we've been through plenty of others together. I know he'll have plenty of support, but if we don't have our constants, what are we.
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