Ten Seconds to Okay

I thoroughly enjoy things in their simplest form. I developed this enjoyment after Jeremy died. Once my bottom fell out, I didn't know how to do anything. I didn't know how to do basic things, how to take care of myself anymore, nor how to take care of anyone else. I couldn't even fathom eating or breathing. So I needed to break things down, everything, into their simplest form.

It started with my name, at first just my first name, then I worked my way up. I got to my age, and my date of birth. "I am a mom. My name is Sarah, I am a mom, I am here." It took days to build this list. "My name is Sarah, I am a mom, I'm here, I'm alive." I don't think I even knew when I was able to utter the words, I am okay. That was a hard one to tell myself. However, breaking everything down into it's simplest form helped me function again, and it helped me be able to at least wrap my brain around the whole situation. Not only that but it helped me greatly to appreciate when things don't have to be and aren't complicated.

Tonight I was able to do something, which seems like it would be very simple to most, except those closest to me know I've struggled so hard with being able to do this. I was able to openly talk about Jeremy without a steady stream of tears. This is especially hard as his birthday is almost here. Things aren't complicated when you can relate to someone, on a very personal level. When you share a similar loss, a similar struggle, and a similar goal, the complications seem to be nonexistent. I still feel a flood of tears hiding behind the dam I try to keep up, which will inevitable break at some point, but for now, a small step, a simple step. Talk about my loss without losing it all.

I've had two good friends that keep checking on me to make sure I'm doing okay, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate them. Their prayers and/or genuine concern are irreplaceable. I'd love to feel safe enough to let someone see me cry, but for now, I take comfort in feeling like there's someone who could really understand it. Everyone is different, everyone processes loss differently, and everyone grieves differently; the only thing that's the same, is that we all do it one way or another. Just remember, you can do anything for ten seconds, and if you can make it through these ten seconds, you can make it through the next ten seconds.