Twenty and None

When I had to tell my daughter that I had miscarried, she asked me why God would give us a baby just to take it away. My daughter is intelligent and has every right to ask questions like that. When I let her know the many reasons why we were experiencing what we were, never did I imagine that I would soon see the light to the situation.

There are so many times in life that we go through something only to wonder why, and never really finding out until long after the event has passed. But sometimes, we're giving the opportunity early on which may be a way of saving us as well as healing us.

The blog I've been writing and sitting on through this whole thing is taking forever to finish because I'm forced to actually deal with and relive every excruciating moment of what happened. And it's hard to do when life doesn't give you enough time to do just that. Life is demanding, it keeps going, and I usually always put my stuff on the back burner to deal with everything else around me. Maybe some day it will get finished, published, and shared to help others.

It's almost a full month since the miscarriage was confirmed. I had reached out to the person who I conceived with a couple of times looking for some sort of support; let's call him Roger. None of my attempts were successful, in fact each time I tried, he simply made the entire thing about him. And then this moment hit. I had reached my limit with suffering and grieving alone, I was tired of being ignored, and I am so frustrated that my body is still expelling things and it hasn't gone back to normal.

My message was straight and to the point, I expressed my disappointment in his behavior as well as asked him if he even gave a shit. That was when I got the response of a lifetime. He proceeded to blame me for the whole situation. He made it a very clear point that he didn't want anything about this loss or pregnancy to effect his "new" relationship, and how he felt that by sharing my experience and the loss on any forum was "attention seeking" on my part. Mind you, this "new" relationship times up pretty closely to when he was also asking me for exclusivity, more than once. The irony was I refused to settle down with him because he's a known adulterer.

It was a very clear message that he wants to hide from this as well as wanted me to suffer in silence. To say I am appalled, dumbfounded, and pissed are not even close to how I really feel.

For 20 years I have been friends with this guy. For 20 years I have stuck by him, encouraged him, defended him, and even waited out periods of silence while he allowed others to drag my name through the mud. Every single time someone bad mouthed him I either ignored it or stuck up for him. I know so much about his past, his addictions, his marriage and divorce, and his sexual endeavors. I never once thought bad of him and never thought I could. And now here I am wondering who the hell I have been friends with for the last 20 years.

I also can't wrap my head around how I deserve this now from him. I can't understand how he thinks that by blocking me on all accounts and by ignoring me, that this whole situation disappears and never happened. I almost cannot even formulate how much shock I am in right now.

I know that a miscarriage is a private thing that happens, I know that it's personal and taboo to talk about; but I also know that isn't me. If I hadn't been sharing my experience, I wouldn't know what to expect, I wouldn't know that active labor was going to happen, I wouldn't know that clots bigger than pads were normal, and I wouldn't know that I wasn't alone in this from both male and female friends. I share because maybe someone else out there is feeling alone too or maybe they've never had to experience this and have no idea what to expect. Maybe someone out there doesn't classify with a "typical" miscarriage. No one should ever have to feel like this, ever!

So Roger, let me say this. Ignoring a situation doesn't mean that it didn't happen. I am sad for you and all the women to come that you are not only going to hurt but who are going to beat themselves up because by the end they will know you deceived them. I'm sorry for all the friends we share who will continue to think you're a decent guy even though your true colors have shown, and I will put hope into the women you've left in the wake of your completely self-centered, self-motivated lifestyle.

Roger, what you chose to ignore was a life. It was the loss of a life. It was the fact that for five weeks without knowing it I carried around a dead child, I endured many days of debilitating pain, I passed clots that are traumatizing and lost blood that nearly put me back in the hospital; if only I weren't so stubborn. And I was the one who had to endure actual active labor, without the blessing of a baby at the end, just so things would pass because my body realized there was no longer a viable life growing inside - and I did it all the while you ignored the situation. And those are just the smallest parts of what I had to go through and the things you wanted me to suffer through in silence.

And Roger, unfortunately for you I believe in both God and Karma and you sir have made your bed with both. And I know now why God has given me this experience. I know He wants me to see the truth where I wasn't able to, I know He wants me to understand that not all males are meant to be fathers, and I know He doesn't want me to raise another child with a piss poor example of what a man should be.

It's a Heavy One

To say that I don’t find life ironic would be a blatant lie. I couldn’t never deny the correlation of life events even if I wanted to. The last couple of weeks have been hard for me, and that my friends is putting it lightly; it's been bordering traumatic for me. We’re all aware at how much of a challenge February is for me all on its own. But this year took me for a new ride, one I would have rather of opted out of.

As I’m still trying to figure out my daughter’s health concerns, mine decided they weren't going to wait any longer to step into the light. I found myself in a completely unfamiliar spot in life and one that I’m sure I’d never want to be in again. I was writing this hoping the physical pain would kick in to distract all emotional pain but by 2 am, every square inch of my body was hurting and I was still left in the turmoil of endless mixed emotions.

I should be thinking about two days from now. Two days until I’m 35 and how I can reflect on how far I’ve come in life. The personal growth I’ve made, how proud of myself I am, and really start laying out the plans for our future and our five year plans. However, I am here fresh from the hospital after being told that I have in fact had a miscarriage.

It's a moment I never thought I'd find myself in. For whatever reason, my body said no and there was absolutely nothing I could do but fight off the guilt that I wasn't good enough. The wonder of did I do something wrong, should I have done less or more? And the knowledge to know, miscarriages just happen.

As an empath I can often relate to others on such a deeper level but this was never one I was able to understand. I’ve spent the last couple weeks being told that the likelihood that this was going to happen was greater than that of being able to hold another baby of my own.

The question of the hour is, “are you ok?” But I don’t know what I am. Four days ago I had a baby and now it's vanished. It was a seed, a tiny apple seed size if that, because it stopped growing long before I even knew it. My body was still doing the pregnancy things, while my baby simply wasn't.

I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the ultimate fate but I still held onto some hope. I also know that at the end of the day, I have to trust in God and His plan because that’s all I’ve got and the only way I’ll survive. I learned this very quickly five years ago, and I can’t ignore the fact either that five years ago I lost my brother a week before my birthday, still a loss I haven’t recovered from. And here on his five year anniversary, again before a day I would otherwise try to celebrate, I’m at a loss. I’ve lost a being that I hadn’t gotten to know yet but would have been over the moon to raise and love. I’ve lost what could be the last chance I will have for more biological children.

To explain a miscarriage and it’s emotional toll would be like explaining quantum physics to a six year old and expecting them to understand after only one lesson. It’s a roller coaster of natural emotions mixed with sound medical knowledge. It's especially harder for me since my baby is gone but my body still has more to process before it’s healed and back to normal. If there was only one thing I’d ask for, it would be to be held. I just want to lie down, be held, and for a moment let someone else comfort me rather than trying to do it all on my own.

My heart is sad, my body is in a weird transition, but through it all my daughter is my shining light and honestly, how could I ask for anything more than that.

How Much Can You Handle?

Forgive me if I’m not at your entertainment or emotional disposal right now. By nature I take care of others far before I take care of myself. But there comes moments in everyone’s lives where the tides turn and we must learn to adjust our sails in some of the worst of storms.

I took on a career that I really wanted, it was a move that I knew would helps us as our future changes and as our dreams began to take better form. But with this new position, I am working a lot more. I’m usually schedule at 48 hours a week, sometimes I work more and sometimes a little less but doing well and maintaining my hustle is what I want to do. Also, I sell jewelry - it’s retail - holidays, big and small, are enormous for us. I shouldn’t have to explain that.

I’m also, as always, still am a single parent. I’m raising a 13 year old girl who I don’t want to be an asshole in life. Even on days she's with her dad, she needs me every day because he falls short in his role. There are no breaks for me as a parent and as with my career, she’s also my main focus.

I didn’t have any time to process, grieve, or reflect on my brother’s 5 year anniversary like I wanted to because I had what was a family emergency that day for me to deal with. I have also been dealing with some very private medical issues of my own, while also having my daughter have medical issues pop up. Her health has taken priority because that’s what we do as parents and I only want her life to be the best it can be. The amount of testing she’s having to go through and the way she’s having to adjust her life to be comfortable are hard to deal with when you’re 13.

So when I’m quiet, when I’m short in conversation, and when I don’t answer your calls or texts, trust that it’s not you, it’s me. I’m never one to diminish the problems that my friends or family have but in my current perfect storm, I have to focus on me. And that, I won’t be sorry for.

So please don’t make me feel any worse when you feel neglected by my attention, please don’t make my storm about you, please don’t minimize what I am trying to work through, and please understand that what you may think I need may not actually be the case.

Five and Counting

I spend my few grieving days being frustrated because it’s the only thing that masks my pain. When I’m alone and your memory haunts me, that’s when the pain is released and every inch of my face is soaked in the tears that won’t ever seem to fade away. To say losing you hurts like it happened today is how I feel but the reality is, it’s been five years since you went away. 

The way it’s changed my life is hard to put into words, and the magnitude of my stress now is suffocating and only wants to be understood by you. But in those five years I’ve learned to find you in small moments in life, sometimes when I need you the most and sometimes when I’m least expecting it. I’ve learned to spend more of my time thinking about the good than the bad, I rely on photos to pull me back into each moment before you were gone. 

But today and tomorrow are days that haunt me. I won’t ever be able to forget that five years ago I got that single life defining phone call. I won’t ever be able to forget how I had to tell others, how I had to break others while putting my heartache on hold, how I had to be the mindful one and talk to the coroner. I won’t forget how I thought I’d be able to deal but the following day was when the bottom of my universe fell out; how I free floated in a self destructing year because the loss of you was and still is unbearable. Today I think about the frustrations, I think about the unspoken words, I think about the many times I begged God in many moments to just give you back, until I picked up your ashes. Our last car ride together was our weirdest yet, I never in a million years thought you'd be ash in a box riding shotgun.
My mind is riddled with those last tears I watched fall from my face as I leaned over you in the casket. I watched each of them soak into your plaid shirt before someone had to pull me away, because I wasn’t ever going to be able to let you go on my own. I don’t know how we got to five years. I don’t know how the rest of them will go. I do however hope that through it all, you’re still looking out because my life without you so very often just feels lost.

We had a deal, we had our many talks about death, but this was never one of the cards we discussed. I will forever love you, I will forever be working on forgiving myself and trying to not feel guilty, and I will forever speak of you because my life isn't my life without you in it.  

 

When #metoo Isn't Invited

    My sexuality was forcefully turned on at an early age. At the age of nine to be exact. By thirteen, people were finally listening but it never really was those that should have been listening from the beginning. By the time I figured out how to function outside of a role I never asked to be in, I was nearly eighteen and still found myself being kept captive by certain triggers. Certain acts would render me useless and withdrawn. My life and my thoughts revolved around thinking that I was destined to be a broken and damaged piece of a person, so there I stayed for many years to come. 

    I continued to age, I continued to heal, and I continued to change. I found that what could have been a #metoo storyline for my life, instead become a not me too anthem for who I was going to be. I evolved and developed the person that I am, it may have taken some time, but I wasn’t going to allow someone else control that for me. Now in my thirties, my sexuality continues to thrive and at a healthy rate but it isn’t because I was someone’s victim. It’s because I developed a deep meaning for what self love is, what gratification is, and for what it means to develop connections beyond words. Someone else didn't make me who I am, I did, and only by choice and a lot of very hard work. 

    Sure I was someone’s victim at nine and for quite some time beyond that, but no one gets to dislike him more than me. I understand, I should probably hate him for everything he robbed of me in my life. He robbed my youth, he robbed my innocence, he robbed my trust, he robbed me of my family, and he robbed me of developing my own identity for a larger portion of my life. But here’s the thing, I hated him for many years; roughly about 18 if I had to give you a number and possibly even longer than that. And he robbed me of all those years too. He wouldn’t accept, acknowledge, nor apologize for his acts and for all that time I held on to my hate for everything leading up to my moment.

    My moment was when I needed to decide. Do I continue to hate for my entire life, or do I understand the situation happened, that he will never have another acknowledged presence in my life, and find a way to love myself more than the hate I carried for him? I won’t ever forgive. Some acts in life can’t be forgiven, or maybe they can but I am not one of those kinds of people. The kind of person I am, is the one who chooses my own path, my own direction, and my own world. The kind that leaves the things I don't like and the things that aren't  a part of positive self growth as far behind me as possible. 

    There’s a lot going on in the world, there has been for some time. One woman says something from 20 years ago happened and then suit follows with other women. As a woman, I personally find it hard to tell which are true and which are coattail riders. I can understand some time passing, I held quiet for a little bit until I reached out. I wasn’t believed so I held quiet again, for a little bit longer. I allowed one of the closest people to me make me feel like a captive all over again when they wouldn't believe the acts I was trying to tell them were taking place. But when a person is a victim, when trauma occurs, sooner rather than later a volcano erupts. There is so much anger, frustration, hurt, and fear that is buried inside that it simply can’t be kept quiet for long. For one to really have their cage rattled, they do all they can to escape the snakes that imprison them. The #metoo will continue, I won't say that as an adult I haven't been put in a situation to say it because I have, many times too often, but I shut it down immediately and I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel like a victim or make me feel like an object of any sort just so they can feel better about themselves. 

    As an adult and a happy one, I am still being told that I need to forgive this man and allow him back into my life. But that my friends, just simply will never happen. Throughout the years other events took place that showed a true character of how deviant this person can be, and that is never someone that I want in my life. I want those around me to understand that life is hard, and for some it's downright terrible; but that doesn't mean that we as individuals need to be miserable or horrible to each other. I could feel sad for the years I wasted feel angry, confused, and hostile in my life but I promise you that I am making up for it tenfold. If someone asks me how I'm doing and I can't say I'm amazing or fabulous without meaning it in some way, I know in that moment there is something that needs to be changed. I know that negative energy that we encompass and project reflects how others feel. I don't want that out in the universe, I want those that I come into contact with to walk away with just the tiniest bit of inspiration if I can do that for them. 

Things Mother's Say (and shouldn't)

My mother said something two weeks ago that I am still allowing to rent space in my head. I'm a bit mad at myself for still allowing it but I haven't really sat down to address it; not here in my blog and not really with anyone close to me. So there it swirls, each time it comes to the forefront of my mind, it grows just a little bit more, giving it one more sharp edge each time to poke at me and remind me just how screwed up it is.

It's no secret that my mom and I have an on and off relationship. It's been like that since for as long as I can remember. One day, one of us (eventually both) will leave this place and I'll forever be left to wonder if she ever loved me and I mean truly loved me in the magnitude that a mother should. I know just how grand that scale is since becoming a mother myself. I get it, she didn't have a shining example of a mother, but as harsh as this is, neither did I. However, I chose to go the opposite way and there's never a moment in time where my daughter has to wonder such a depressing thought. My love for her is endless; in action and in speech.

There are times when my mom is spot on. The banter we have is great, the communication isn't struggling, and it's pleasant to think we're moving forward. But just like the wind, one gust in any which direction, changes the course for everything. Something sets her off, it gets taken out on me, something she says I don't agree with and try to communicate that with her, it starts an argument - or better yet, weeks of silence from her.

I truly believe that some people just are not meant to be parents. My mom may be one of those people, so is my sister. As I'm writing this the news pops up the Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Now mind you, I don't give a rat's ass, but again, I am not able to have more kids which is a deep desire of mine (most of the time) yet Kylie Jenner (or all them fools) are reproducing like it's nothing at all. Moving on, that's not what we came here for.

Back to two weeks ago. I went over to my mother's for a bit because it had been quite some time since I had last seen her. My daughter and I went over after church to spend the day with her, and quickly, one of the first topics that comes to light is my sister. My mom had recently babysat my nephews and realized just how far off track as children they had become. My mom and her husband were severely concerned about my oldest nephew having a secret conversation with an unknown older man via some app on a cell phone, as well as my nephew talking about killing himself and others. There's also huge concern that my sister will lose her kids because she's so self focused and focused on partying rather than raising her children. It was a very weighted conversation. My mom asked me something about my sister and I didn't know the answer so I just simply said, "I don't know, why don't you ask her?" - And there it was - The comment that has been chewing away at me for two weeks now. She says, "I haven't asked her, just like I don't ask you about your life, because I don't want to know."

Wait. Stop. What?!? What do you mean you don't want to know? You don't want to know the details of your children's lives. You don't have concern about what they're going through. You don't worry about them. I'm very perplexed as to why you wouldn't care, as a mother and as a human being.

I want to know everything about my daughter's life. I never want her to feel like she's alone, that she has no one that understands, no one that cares, or no one to turn to for guidance. Even in my mid 30's, I still need guidance, and hell, it would be nice to have just one person, especially my mother, to lean on. Yet, this is also why I'm such a powerhouse. This is what makes me strong, resilient, and determined to change the course of my family ways. At the end of the day, I know I'm still chasing true love. A love that I didn't grow up with, a love I've had to develop for myself, by myself. A love that I'm not sure I'll ever really find or experience from a man. I deeply desire to give my daughter the most loving and healthy family environment and while I'm successfully doing that on my own, I'd still like that level of love I just haven't found yet.

So there it is. One key moment that I've been allowing to rent space in my head for two weeks. Maybe now that it's out there, I can release it, forgive it for being painful, and move on to the shining moments in my life. Like what I'm doing for my daughter tomorrow that was probably the most incredible thing to date that she thinks I've done for her. I'd move mountains for that kid, like I have already many times.

As She Grows

As my daughter has already begun to enter the stage of having interest in boys, I don't think kids her age understand the full terms of the word "dating". This has been a large topic of conversation in our home. She will continue to grow, she will become more of a woman, and the understanding of "dating" will be much more defined with her. With that there is something that I want to tell her, something that I really want her to know and to always hold in her heart. 

Is he patient?
Is he kind?
Does he envy?
Does he boast?
Is he humble or is he proud?
Does he dishonor others and is self-seeking?
Is he easily angered?
Does he keep record of your wrongs?
Does he delight in evil or does he rejoice in the truth?
Does he protect, trust, hopes, and perseveres?
Because through these questions darling, true love will never fail. 

I personally have experienced the hardest of these to learn what love should be and what it should not be. As a mother, it's my job to guide my daughter into the best life that she can and will have. And by showing her good and healthy examples of love is just one of the very many ways I am able to do that. 

Photo credit to Amy Aiello Photography