As She Grows

As my daughter has already begun to enter the stage of having interest in boys, I don't think kids her age understand the full terms of the word "dating". This has been a large topic of conversation in our home. She will continue to grow, she will become more of a woman, and the understanding of "dating" will be much more defined with her. With that there is something that I want to tell her, something that I really want her to know and to always hold in her heart. 

Is he patient?
Is he kind?
Does he envy?
Does he boast?
Is he humble or is he proud?
Does he dishonor others and is self-seeking?
Is he easily angered?
Does he keep record of your wrongs?
Does he delight in evil or does he rejoice in the truth?
Does he protect, trust, hopes, and perseveres?
Because through these questions darling, true love will never fail. 

I personally have experienced the hardest of these to learn what love should be and what it should not be. As a mother, it's my job to guide my daughter into the best life that she can and will have. And by showing her good and healthy examples of love is just one of the very many ways I am able to do that. 

Photo credit to Amy Aiello Photography

You Have to Rise From the Ashes

By nature I am a very empathetic person, I am also a very curious person and the two fit well together. My life has taught me some amazing lessons and one of those is to recognize the toxicity and instability in others, so that I may avoid bringing that into my life. There is undoubtedly truth behind what you put out is what you bring in. If you want to put out negativity, it will surely find its way back to you. However, if you choose to be positive and count your blessings, your blessings will be bountiful. 

With that being said, it didn't take me long to recognize such mental instability in my daughter's father. When it showed it's glory in 2005, I had to get away from it. I made a conscious and decisive move that I would stick to no matter what hardships life would throw at me. No matter what. But with that, I have also been paying for the decision I made to leave him. He has made me feel like a prisoner for the last 12 years, and counting. Even in my silence and in my distance from him, there is no escaping his instability because we still have a daughter to share. 

It has been a full 2 years since the courts finally awarded him joint custody, and foolishly in doing so, they only fed into the twisted fantasy he creates for his world and fed the monster of his narcissism that lives proudly on display with him. Also imperative that you know that she has equal amount split time between our houses, this comes into play later in this blog.

For at least the first 6-7 years of her life I feared for mine. That man made more threats against my life than I could count, I had him arrested multiple times, a restraining order, and even so far as made a will just in case. Everyone that was close to me was on standby just in case any "natural" death occurred to know he was behind it. I worked really hard on myself to know his bark was far larger than his bite but to never trust him as far as I could throw his 400 lb body. 

My life today is amazing! My daughter is the most awesome and incredible gift God could have ever given me. The person she is growing into makes me so incredibly proud that I've been able to and willing to pour everything I had into raising her. I live in a place of enjoyment, happiness, and always feeling incredibly blessed. 

Now, while I don't fear for my life as much as I use to back when I first left him and his rage was at its height, don't be mistaken by that. We have 5 years left until she's 18 and we are both able to freely leave this state and have peaceful lives. But that doesn't mean, in a small corner of my mind, that I don't trust that he wouldn't make a fateful and damaging decision to a life before that 5 years expires. While his rage isn't always at its height, it is still thriving but that will not stop me because my fate in life has already been decided by God and not my ex.

Just this month I've received the following texts. This shows how incredibly unstable his mind really is. Now mind you, yes I did crop some of them, but not to withhold information but to simply cut down on irrelevant exchanges. I am always willing to share full details, I just try to spare the headaches if I'm able. If there's one thing I'm teaching my daughter it is that just because someone wants an argument or fight with you, does not mean that you need to participate in it. 

I know people often question the amount of "baggage" I share. But it's only baggage if you carry it around with you. This isn't my baggage, he isn't my baggage; because at the end of the day, he has no bearing on me living my life to the fullest and loving every minute of it. And that's what I want to pass on to others by sharing my experiences.  

July 9

July 18

July 23

July 25

The Gray Area

I laid there wrapped in my emotions like a heated blanket on a cold winter's day. I was engulfed in the darkness of the night with just the smallest light peaking in through the window. My body was heavy but completely numb, while my mind couldn't pick any one space, moment, or memory to be in. All I could wonder is who else was out there experiencing just the same. How many were soaking their pillows in tears right alongside me with the weight of loss and confusion, maybe even in thoughts of their own anguish. 

You can feel the weight of death as it crushes your chest. It's never just one thing but it's a million. The whys and what ifs, the could have beens and the never agains. The pain, the loss, the memories, the love; it's all just sitting on you, it's all swirling in your mind, consuming every ounce of you, but not you alone. Everyone is there with you, it's doing it to all of us. It's bringing back pain from the past, making scars rip open and wounds incredibly fresh. You could say your heart is bleeding again in pain but we all know that it's so broken that no actual blood feels like it's even flowing from it. 

People die. I know that and so do you. But how we die always seems to be the news. The truth happens and only the Lord knows it, but if you ask outside there's an opinion that was never asked for being spoken. There's a million ways to die but even the most innocent accident could be view as an intentional departure to the ones that need a story the most. I don't care how someone died. The manner of their death doesn't impact the value of their life.

When someones light goes out, who is anyone to speak poorly about it. You never stood where they were, walked their path or held their pain. Yes someone may leave behind family, friends, even children but you don't get to judge their story and you most certainly don't get to judge their ending. Everyone seems to want to have an opinion but while you're voicing yours that shouldn't have been ringing out, it's making that crushing weight of death even worse for those in mourning. 

I know we were raised better but somewhere along the line we have forgotten to respect the dead. We lost sight of shutting our mouths if we didn't have anything nice to say, and remembering that life, whether thriving in front of you or now an empty shell, still holds the maximum amount of value to someone, even if that isn't you. 

Keep some sense and just let souls rest, let hearts mourn, and let's remember that not every moment in life needs an opinion attached to it. 

The years will pass but the memories won't fade, so if you feel like you need to condemn someone because of the manner of their death, just remember you were never them. You weren't in that moment, and you have zero idea of what that final moment was for them.

Never Spoken

Over the course of a year or more, some time ago, I jotted down these quick individual notes about someone in a notebook. It wasn't until today that I found them. 

The moments come back to me in pieces. 

Sometimes it feels like there's a movie playing 

out in my own head. I've known you for more years 

than I can remember, but it hasn't been until now that 

I've really felt like I know you. 

Growing up I always felt that you saw past me 

rather than seeing me; mostly my own perception 

of how I saw myself, I'm sure. I watched you live 

and every time I did it was painful. 

I always feared for you because you 

knew how to enjoy your life, 

but I worried that fun would take you away. 

I always saw amazing potential in you. 

I still do. 

 

Years, time, and distance were things 

that happened, almost without really realizing it. 

And then there you were again. And just like 

when we were young, just like in high school, 

just like today, my heart beats again when you are near. 

 

I remember a time we were going to the movies, 

like we always do, and in your empty and clean 

backseat sat a Bible. We hadn't yet shared a kiss, 

but in that moment, I could have kissed you 

for the rest of the night. 

 

Every time you put on your glasses, 

usually to drive, I have to fight 

the flood of emotions I feel for you. 

Everything you do I find makes you 

more attractive to me and I like it. 

 

I adore you. 

I just simply do. 

And I tell you without 

telling you too much. 

 

You are so profoundly 

intellectually stimulating, 

while also being my safe and quiet place 

if I need be. 

 

Being your guest out at public events is delightful. 

It may be a lot of the fact that we get along well 

and I enjoy time with you but you're very attentive 

and courteous to me. 

 

You & me, 

we jive well.

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to 

adequately express not only how much 

I hoped your life turned out well, 

but also how proud of you for the 

person you've become. 

How often is it that the things we think, we actually say?

 

The grammar isn't up to par but doesn't need to be when notes are taken in moments of remembrance. I didn't alter any of it to make myself look better, instead I left them as they are as a lesson for myself and others. Our feelings, good or bad, left unsaid, leave us in states of wonderment. 

It was everything that she never said. 

Reflection or Deflection?

Lucille Ball once said, "One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."

Tonight I had a very perplexing and challenging conversation with a friend that in the beginning lead me down a dark path about my own life that I didn't want to be on, only to find out I was right and had no business to be there. I want to break down the screenshots of the conversation, not to out said friend, but to point out some very important life lessons. I've concealed their identity for their sake. 

<----  Here's kind of where it all started. There obviously is small talk before this but this is where the conversation got "interesting" for a lack of a better word. I'm not entirely sure how they went from my daughter coming home to me being unhappy. I promise nothing had been said prior to this other than the fact that we were heading home after I worked today. 

One of the largest things that bothers me about friendships is that if you want to start a conversation, especially one of intense caliber, don't just quickly bow out when questions get asked of you. Own your shit. If you want to talk, if you're concerned about someone, or if you really want to say something own it. Ask, speak, and follow thru!

  <---- Here's where it picked up again and where it really started stirring my emotions. The first observation of my life, being "hectic but working on it" felt like an insult. It also was the first rabbit hole for me. 

Was this how people are viewing my life? Is this why I'm single? Is this ultimately my turnoff to men?? Rabbit hole!

This rabbit hole became deep and quick. It was stirring up thoughts and emotions that aren't allowed to rent space in my head any longer. I know who I am, why am I allowing comments like these to infiltrate the goodness of who I am at my core?

----> Wait a minute!! When the hell did I say that I wasn't settled?! I mean sure you could see it that way, and I could see it that way but my life not being settled has more to do with my back story of being a prisoner under my ex than it does with anything else. I feel like the "same observation" comparison is just a wee bit off base. 

 And about right here is where I took back control. I took back control of the conversation but also on the viewpoint of my life. This is MY life, and no one gets to dictate how good or bad it is except for me. Also rest assured that if you're going to use vocabulary, or descriptive words, you better be damn sure you're using them in the correct context or I'll be right on your ass to correct you. 

And it's the truth, I enjoy busy as much as I enjoy quiet. If you knew me, you'd know that. 

<---- Again, let me reign in this conversation because I don't like it one bit. Right about here is my mic drop. 

Also in the meantime, I'm reaching out to other friends who know me quiet well, as well as new friends just to see if in fact my life from the outside seems hectic. Maybe by chance I am missing the bigger picture. (Don't worry, I wasn't.) What I was learning from my other friends was that yes, I am in fact busy, but that doesn't qualify as a bad thing. Also that could it be possible that this friend in the conversation is actually in fact unhappy in their own life, and they're projecting that upon me? Why would someone do that? Was it worth finding out?

----> I was completely dumbfounded by someone telling a mother, a single mother that they can fail. I can't fathom the logic behind that. If I fail, who is there for my daughter? Who shows here what resilience, perseverance, and being strong are about? 








It was most certainly worth finding out.

<---- And here is where the truth in the whole conversation was sitting. Right there the whole time. They are unhappy in their life, and they were imposing it upon me for whatever reason. There wasn't a reflection in their mirror of life, but actually a deflection. And in that are grave consequences. 

Very quickly after I confronted the true issue, as you can see, the conversation was abruptly ended. 

I worry now for this friend. I don't want to see them unhappy or not content with their life. I also am sad that they couldn't answer as to why they were. I know that anxiety of life and the discontent. I'm not saying I'm not ever there, but I certainly do my best never to take up residence there. I pray for peace for this soul. I also hope that when they feel comfortable confronting their own struggles without assuming mine, that they'll reach out again and know that I am here for them and their struggles.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

When She's the One and Only

"How's your daughter?"

"She's amazing!" 

And then there it is. That completely empty, all too frequent, blank stare from the person asking the question. I am not one to lie so I don't fully understand the look.

I finally had to talk this one out with my best friend recently because it's become weird and uncomfortable for me. 

Listen, I know my daughter will be 13 this year and I get the concept that that's when girls are suppose to start being nightmares, but I'm sorry (??) mine isn't. Here's the thing, I truly believe that I was born to be a mother. I have poured everything I have had into raising my daughter into a good and decent human being. I worked hard to correct behavior, I spent nights crying over being the bad guy, and I've often wondered if what I am doing in the moment is the right thing when it's just me to make that call and I don't have any support. 

I remember a moment when she was about 2 or 3 and my mother said to me, "you're too hard on her and you expect too much from her". That moment sticks in my head because I couldn't understand what she meant by that. My face probably looked like that picture above. Did she mean that by making my daughter behave, by making her listen, and by making her understand rules and consequences at an early age, that I was putting too much on my girl? Because if that's what she meant, then by all means, I'm glad I was that way!

Look where we are at almost 13, my daughter is incredible! She is intelligent, diplomatic, inquisitive, behaved, open, compassionate, giving, and so much more! Does she have bad days? Of course, but her good far outweighs her bad. Does she get under my skin? Of course, but that's usually because the introvert in me has taken over. Does she get mouthy? Of course, she's almost 13!

But if you're going to ask me a question like how she's doing, I'm going to give the most honest and proper response that encompasses the largest portion of our lives, and that is that she is amazing. 

So today while out, I had to stop in at the jewelry store that I work at, and while we were there we started talking about birthstones because she saw a necklace she liked but it was December's stone. So we walked over to hers and started looking and just talking. I then saw a ring that I had forgotten we had which contained two main stones. Her birthstone and mine. In my most cheesy mother like tone, I said "look it's both our birthstones". Thinking this girl was going to shame me and think it was cheesy, but she shocks me and likes it! Not only does she like it but she then says, "we could have matching rings". After I took a moment to come back to reality, it was a done deal. I bought my daughter her ring and will have mine shortly. 

It's these moments that make my heart swell and remind me that I have done the most amazing job of raising her. I can't really question why God only gave me one child because I think he gave me the best one there is to have. 

Let Me School You in Your Failure!

There are times in life where you may overreact, this is not one of those times. 

Today on social media, an article hit about the school my daughter attends. In summary a 13 year old boy was arrested and booked for threatening the school. The school never addressed the students nor contacted the parents, and as of tonight, the rumor circulating social media is that the boy threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot it up. To add frustration to the pile, in the article that first hit the social media circuit, the Police Chief stated that the boy was "trying to be funny". 

Let me express my outrage!

As of just a few weeks ago, I addressed the Vice Principal at the school because a boy had been endlessly bullying my daughter, in classes in front of teachers, as well as in the halls. And he's not the only boy bullying a girl in that school. This seems to be a standing problem where some girls are even left to their tears in the cafeteria where still no one in the school does anything. The Vice Principal never responded to my concerns. He did speak to the boy and my daughter, to which the boy only made his comments even more rude and vengefully directed at my daughter. The Vice Principal also greatly downplayed the situation to my daughter which did not help her feel like there was a resolution. 

Shortly thereafter that occurred, I asked a teacher to send home a form that didn't make it to my house. In the communication back and forth there was some confusion on my end about conferences so the teacher offered to meet if I needed to. I did not and told her that I was aware of my daughter bringing up all of her grades so I was good. The teacher's response was to call my child "lazy" in her performance. I immediately fired back that as an administrator she should choose better verbiage when addressing a parent about their child, especially one that has worked so hard to bring all of her grades up and currently only has a C as the lowest grade, cumulatively. 

Now let me circle back around to today. Are you kidding me?!? The school has the nerve to sweep a boy's arrest under the rug? With today's "resources", as in social media, this can quickly spin out of control and I have to sincerely wonder if in fact the boy did threaten to bring a gun in and shoot up the school. Since I started writing the blog, I had a fellow parent forward me the boys Instagram page where 6 days ago, date unknown, he posted a picture of the joker with a gun that said, "me if I shot up the school". This is an 8th grader who has posted on social media about shooting up a school and then says it directly in the school today and the Police Chief has the nerve to say he was "trying to be funny". GTFO! 

Today's events should not have been swept under the rug by the school because now the story spins as well as if that boy does one day follow through, no one had any warning of it! So being the vocal person I am, especially when I believe strongly in something, I fired off an email tonight to the Superintendent, the Vice Principal, and the Principal. 

Below is the polite rendition of a letter instead of what I wanted to say which was, "Are you EFFING kidding me!!"

Dear Administrators,

I am greatly concerned about an event that occurred today at Sandwich Middle School where my daughter attends. A news report hit social media saying that a 13 year old boy was arrested and booked for making threats against the school. Myself, as well as many other parents and students, would like to know why this wasn't addressed as either an informative item or as an item of precautionary measure? Even my daughter who is 12 knows that the school and the district should have made them known as to what was going on for their comfort and safety.

Now that the school has not addressed the matter, it is starting to circulate on social media that the boy threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot it up. If this is in fact a true statement, let me express my additional outrage that is already existing. As the years have progressed, school shootings have become all too common and it is not something that anyone should take lightly, especially not the police chief as he stated the boy was "trying to be funny". There is nothing funny when it comes to the safety of my child and all the others that attend District 430.

I hope I speak for many parents and students when I say that not only are we owed an apology for the failed measures taken by the school but we are also owed a full explanation.

 Sincerely,