Having True Feelings is Suicide

So there's this video floating around about dating in the world today. It was dead on with so many points, I just wish the language was down a notch to share it on my other social media sites. The whole thing is based around the games people play when it comes to dating now, and how it's more about pretending you don't like someone rather than just telling them you like them. 

In my own life, I've stepped out there many times to tell a guy I like him, I'm also not afraid to tell a guy when I just don't see it going anywhere. I can't find any good and valid reason to hide either of those feelings. As a general rule, I cannot waste my time in life and I've let too many good opportunities pass me by because I was too busy playing it cool and disinterested.

Dating isn't Netflix and chill, dating is when someone actually asks you out, when they essentially court you because they are interested in you and they want to pursue something long term with you. It's going out, being seen in public, learning about each other, and having fun with each other. Now don't get me wrong, I know that there are those that simply just want to hook up, that's fine too but be up front about it. Why are we wasting our lives pretending like we don't want something that we actually do really want?

I've been single for almost a year and a half now and I'm ready to date again. That doesn't mean I'm running to the alter, that simply means that I'm looking for someone that is consistent, stable, and someone that I can enjoy life with. The harsh thing is that even when I take that step to tell a guy I like him, there's still today's society standing in the way. I am a very honest person, I like being able to be who I am and putting however I feel out there into the universe. I don't like that I'm forced to keep everything contained and calculate how I behave or communicate. I am by nature a very passionate person, when I love it's with my whole being, when I'm hurt or angry it's all the same. I passionately feel with everything that I have. Why can't I just be that person? Why is it that when I'm really into someone, I fear that saying that will ruin my risk of having them around longer?

The world is messed up, and what I would give to go back and be alive three eras from today; but here I am, navigating in a place that I don't feel comfortable in. I'll continue to tell people when I like them, I'll continue to be as open as I can when I can, but it's something that while doing, also installs a great amount of insecurity and fear into me because really, who of us enjoys being rejected.

I want to see more people fight against today's world and they way it forces us to behave. Get out into the light, let the sun shine and let the love flow. We all hide in the darkness of our computers, our phones, and our tablets that we've become such a dark, depressed, and angry society. We spend far too much time hiding and hating instead of loving and celebrating who we are and what we've been given.

If you see that person you've had your eye on, go to them, enjoy life with them and when that moment comes take it! Hug them or kiss them, show them that you truly enjoy their company and value what they bring to your life.

If you're curious and by chance haven't seen the video I talked about in the beginning, you can track it down here, https://youtu.be/tTT_hOUXMTo

Prison: Parenting Style

I can't understand why people have children when they can't take care of them. Do not create human beings if you cannot stand to take care of them. To say that it's a lot to take care of them and work, is pretty much one of the most ignorant things you can say to another parent. I'm sorry, are you the only one who has ever had to raise children while working?! Hang on, I need to run out and get you a flipping participation trophy apparently.

Having children takes sacrifices that you never thought any human would ever have to make. It means putting yourself and your needs last because there is someone else who counts on you to put them first. It means above all else being there for them, protecting them, providing for them, and loving them. Being a parent means that you no longer get to act a fool, be a poor example, or get up and walk away whenever the going gets tough. 

Go ahead and say it with me, you feel completely trapped by your child. Let me guess, you're no longer with the other parent, you're unhappy with where you are, and you want to move somewhere you know you will be happier within your own life. I get it, I've been trapped in a state for 11 years that I hate. Every single day I dream of the day I don't have to be here, but also, every single day I have overwhelming joy knowing that I didn't just abandon my child to fulfill my own selfish needs. 

Children, our offspring, those tiny little human beings are the next generation. They are who we will need when we're old and we can no longer be self sufficient, they are the boys who will date our daughters or the daughters who will marry our boys. If you are a terrible example of an adult, how do you think they will grow up? Who do you think they will become? If you can't show them hard work, sacrifice, dedication, and respect - not just to them but to their other parent, then how can you ever expect them to grow up into any sort of a decent human being?!

Get over yourself and fight for the well being of the little person that you helped create. If you can't do that, then STOP. Stop getting down and making more of them that you'll only neglect as well. It sucks being a parent, it sucks shelving the life you had that was carefree and reckless; but being a parent is also the single most magnificent thing in the world if you're doing it right. 

Being trapped or not, frustrated, beaten down, and depressed has no comparison to the enormous amount of love, admiration, dedication, and desire I have to see my child be the absolute best human being she can be. 

Mommy needs a Huge Timeout!

I can't. I just literally can't right now. As if struggling with the weight of being solo right now isn't enough, tonight I get a flat and I'm stranded for three hours. I am so completely over things being complicated, and I'm so over having to ask for help. I'd love to have a partner in crime, in life, in friendship, and in love. 

While I sit and wait for a tow, I have to ask a friend for a ride home. A home where I'll literally be stranded tomorrow and while waiting I got the wrath from work for letting my boss know that I may not make it in tomorrow. He literally said "I highly recommend you be at work tomorrow" as well as "I don't know what you have to do to get to work". A vehicle, a vehicle since I live 40 minutes from work would be helpful. It's as though life literally wants me to take a long walk off a short pier. 

What frustrates me even more as I sit here is that I wonder, why the hell am I so sensitive to life's hurdles lately?! I know I'm tougher than how I think and more importantly feel lately, but somehow everything brings me to tears. This flat tire pushes me over the edge from drama at work that I so desperately want to change and/or run from. Top it off, I'm pretty sure I have feelings where feelings don't belong. Someone clearly stole my balls because I'm acting way too much like a girl. 

Then there's drinking which I would like to be able to enjoy again, but it seems like if I do people's views would change. I didn't need AA to stop drinking, I don't know why I would need it now to drink again. Plus nearly the entire world drinks, and the surmountable pressure when you don't couldn't ever possibly be put into words. I stopped drinking because of how I felt, because of what I was hiding, so if there's reason to continue to being sober, then I'd like to know what those are. 

I think this is a good weekend to take a Mommy timeout and chill the F out! It's a long extended weekend for the holiday, and I am just too afraid of who I am becoming because I am allowing the stress to break me down to such a low level. There are many reasons why I need a new job however after talking to a friend tonight, I think the fact that it jeopardizes my sobriety is the number one reason why I need to move on. 

Fear not faithful readers, there is always a silver lining to my life, your life, and any life. The joys of friendships are upon us.  

The Threshold Between Your Dignity and Survival

I don't think any one person is exempt from experiencing abuse in some form or fashion. Whether it be a dating partner or spouse, a relative, a friend, a stranger, or your employer. More often than not, the abuse is hidden and the smiling face at the forefront is doing their best to live with the abuse. It's heartbreaking to see people stay in those situations, not because they choose to, but because they are fearful of life beyond that. The abuse controls them and leads them to believe that they can't escape it, that they can't survive without whomever the abuser is. 

So how do you live with the abuse? How do you sleep at night, function day to day, and how do you find the will to breathe? It boils down to how strong your survival mode is. We all have our reasons why we would stay when we're so completely beaten down, but at some point, you either ride or you die. The choice is yours. 

Personally I'm no stranger to abuse. It stems as far back as my childhood, however at some point you can't allow that to ruin your adulthood. I've been abused and beaten down by my daughter's father for the last 11 years even though none of which we've been together for. And now, I work for an abusive employer. All but the last one I've been able to deal with and move on from. It's the last one, work, where I feel stuck. 

Any abuse I experienced from my childhood has been addressed with all parties, some apologized and we were able to move on, others can't accept the reality and therefore, I've moved on and won't allow them in my life. And while the first very many years after I left my daughter's father seemed like I would never make it out alive, I did and I've learned how to stand strong against him and his ways. I've learned how to empower myself far beyond my own expectations. 

However, when it comes to working for abusive employers, let's be honest, there are more of them than we could ever account for. And rightfully so, they sign our paychecks, they determine our quality of living, and they hold so much power over us. So, how do you live with the abuse?

You can work on moving on, finding new employment, but how easy is that. I know for me, work has always been determined on the proximity of my daughter, her school, and her daycare. Unlike her father, I cannot bring myself to think about my needs alone and every single thing I do revolves around her. There should just be a level of respect from those above you, especially if what you do for them is above and beyond what you should do and what others of the same position do for them. It's hard for me to see friends in the same positions with their jobs, seeing the things they do, to only be broken down by those above them. 

There isn't any real point to being a bully, abusive, or a jerk. Where does that get you? We all have bad days where our most unpleasant sides come out to play, but when you're regularly the source of someone else's discomfort in life, only YOU are truly the problem. Right now, there is a lot of discomfort in my life due to where I work, enough to impact me physically. I am usually the first one out the door when I'm not happy in any given situation, I know life is too valuable to waste it on being unhappy, but for now I feel stuck. Any time I'm ready to walk, there is an incentive to stay but I feel like each incentive is only one more way for them to assert just a little more abuse than before. It's a vicious cycle that won't end until I end it.

But God doesn't give us perfect lives, He hasn't ever for me. What He has given me is the ability to almost always find the silver lining even on the darkest of days, He's given me strength and perseverance. For me, He's given me opportunities; opportunities to learn and grow. I know that there's something to be said for being able to make it through any difficult situation, I just wish that at some point, I could be where I want. At peace moving to the beat of my own drummer.

When Your Nightmare Gets Engaged

This week I was able to take some time off work so that I could go on a field trip with my daughter. One of the first things she says to me as I walk into the classroom door is, "Dad bought a ring to proposed to his girlfriend". Ever since that moment, I've been struggling immensely with some internal frustration. 

While the story of their relationship goes back to 2014, there is so much more to it. There are so many things that just completely bother me and frustrate me and to know that getting engaged and/or married, just shouldn't be happening. She first comes into the relationship with a pretty involved wrap sheet including many drug charges just to brush the top of it. She has three children who she doesn't have custody of and who don't live with her and she doesn't often see. In the time since they started dating, she's moved in and out about 5 times if not more, I've honestly lost count, this last time she swore she wasn't coming back but did because he pays for everything all the way down to the roof over her head and the car she drives. When my daughter found out that her dad bought a ring she asked him why and he told her it's because the girlfriend realized that she needed him. "Needed"? Shouldn't we be telling children about love and making things work, and not about needing someone? Isn't that teaching children to settle for whatever they can get instead of doing better? Why are we in a world of settling instead of shooting for the stars, finding something that is a true fit instead of forcing it to fit.

In their relationship, they fight and argue, past the point of words at least for him, and into punching things. They continually talk horrible about each other behind each others backs to my daughter. And as far as I understand it, the kids, his kids, hate her. He would actually marry someone whom his children hate. And not just his kids but his family too. How does one even do that?!

After seeing my daughter's social media of tonight's popped question, parts of me wonder if my daughter hates the girlfriend just to protect me. My daughter seems like she's now on board with the idea except for days she's been telling me how much she doesn't want this to happen. 

I am just so frustrated because I am so tired of watching crappy people get married. It not only ruins the whole idea of marriage, but it also sucks to be around crappy people with shitty relationships. Am I messed up for not settling? Am I missing out on something in life? Why am I the one at home crying and the one left feeling confused? I am just so tired of seeing such horrible people get married. Another thing that makes me mad about the whole thing is that if it does happen, if they actually get married, he'll throw it in my face. Like he does about everything else. How the hell is that fair? Oh, yes, thank you for bragging about your shitty relationship.

After I made it to my one year sobriety, many people asked me if I could go back to drinking now that I've "got a handle on it". The simple answer is no. I can't because there's weekends like these, where I am so completely alone, frustrated, and left with my thoughts that all I want to do is hit the bottle, and not just one. In fact, there's still plenty of time left to change my mind tonight if I want to. I mean hell, being sober has only isolated me more from people than anything else has ever done before, because no one wants to hang out with the sober person. Literally, people say it to my face; "I didn't invite you because we went out to drink". 

On top of just that frustration, Jeremy's been heavy on my mind and heart this weekend too. Almost unbearably heavy. The world is heavy right now, my thoughts are crushing and all I've got is me.

When Elections Make You a Monster

I have to wonder if Trump is doing so well during the Presidential race because the mass majority of the country is tired of being forced to be politically correct all the time. We are forced to accept things and people foreign to us simply to protect them, disregarding anything that ourselves might want to stand up for. I for one am sick and tired of the government controlling every single thing we do, every move we make, every decision we think we aren’t free to make on our own. I miss the fact that our children don’t say the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of each school day, it’s disheartening that for a country that was built on morals and “In God We Trust” is being torn down and torn apart by people who don’t want to offend immigrants. 

I understand that Trump for the most part can be ridiculous. However, Trump also does so well because he says what he wants without apology. He has ideas, he has plans, and he’s not sorry for taking a firm stance. Someone needs to. Someone in this country needs to throw down the gauntlet and stop the nonsense. I for one cannot simply take any more PC crap being forced upon me. I feel like I can’t think, act, or make any one given decision without worrying who will be offended by it or who will take affirmative action against it. 

Now I also listen to the Clinton supporters and they’ve got some points in their favor too. However I really believe that the only real thing Clinton has going for her is her “woman card”. I can’t for the life of me understand how people can back someone whom leads the way with criminally negligent acts alongside them. Let me take that back now that I’ve thought about it. Look at this country, look at how much we’ve allowed authority figures to run it into the ground, how we’ve allowed them to commit criminal acts, and we’ve stood by; we’ve not only stood by but we’ve continued to allow them to run this country, these states, and business from coast to coast. So for people to back Clinton beyond her woman card is actually completely plausible. 

I would love to see a woman President run this country. I believe that it’s just as fair for a woman as it is a man because gender doesn’t define my trust in someone. There are amazing qualities about women that give them the ability to be amazing leaders, the key to it is, it has to be the right woman; and I think that that type of woman would have to be one who has busted her ass to prove herself, who has worked hard for the position she has, and who cannot be bought no matter what. 

I know very little about Sanders, simply due to my lack of interest in him which is shameful on my part but I have been paying attention enough to know enough to finish this blog entry. What I admire about Sanders is that I gather that as a single mother, he would actually be able to understand where I come from as a citizen from the Midwest. I feel like given his age, he could still related to actual people and not just CEO’s and people with million dollar incomes. I can’t understand how the millennials are so incredibly into backing him, but I am glad that he’s getting their attention because it’s important to be able to reach all generations and not have exclusions. 

I have some concern about his age because I’ve watched how being President can very quickly age the men that have taken up that position, but I don’t feel like he’s running just to prove something to everyone. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s none of my business to know who you’re voting for, just as it’s none of your business to know who I’m voting for. Frankly when asked, I just ignore the question all together. I can’t understand that audacity to actually ask someone. 

Whomever it may be, vote in peace. Please stop shoving all of your #Trump2016, your #ClintonforPresident, and your #feeltheBern down my throat. Who you support, whether in a Presidential race, sports, or any other area of life, is in no way going to impact my thoughts or decisions to follow suit.