This week I was able to take some time off work so that I could go on a field trip with my daughter. One of the first things she says to me as I walk into the classroom door is, "Dad bought a ring to proposed to his girlfriend". Ever since that moment, I've been struggling immensely with some internal frustration.
While the story of their relationship goes back to 2014, there is so much more to it. There are so many things that just completely bother me and frustrate me and to know that getting engaged and/or married, just shouldn't be happening. She first comes into the relationship with a pretty involved wrap sheet including many drug charges just to brush the top of it. She has three children who she doesn't have custody of and who don't live with her and she doesn't often see. In the time since they started dating, she's moved in and out about 5 times if not more, I've honestly lost count, this last time she swore she wasn't coming back but did because he pays for everything all the way down to the roof over her head and the car she drives. When my daughter found out that her dad bought a ring she asked him why and he told her it's because the girlfriend realized that she needed him. "Needed"? Shouldn't we be telling children about love and making things work, and not about needing someone? Isn't that teaching children to settle for whatever they can get instead of doing better? Why are we in a world of settling instead of shooting for the stars, finding something that is a true fit instead of forcing it to fit.
In their relationship, they fight and argue, past the point of words at least for him, and into punching things. They continually talk horrible about each other behind each others backs to my daughter. And as far as I understand it, the kids, his kids, hate her. He would actually marry someone whom his children hate. And not just his kids but his family too. How does one even do that?!
After seeing my daughter's social media of tonight's popped question, parts of me wonder if my daughter hates the girlfriend just to protect me. My daughter seems like she's now on board with the idea except for days she's been telling me how much she doesn't want this to happen.
I am just so frustrated because I am so tired of watching crappy people get married. It not only ruins the whole idea of marriage, but it also sucks to be around crappy people with shitty relationships. Am I messed up for not settling? Am I missing out on something in life? Why am I the one at home crying and the one left feeling confused? I am just so tired of seeing such horrible people get married. Another thing that makes me mad about the whole thing is that if it does happen, if they actually get married, he'll throw it in my face. Like he does about everything else. How the hell is that fair? Oh, yes, thank you for bragging about your shitty relationship.
After I made it to my one year sobriety, many people asked me if I could go back to drinking now that I've "got a handle on it". The simple answer is no. I can't because there's weekends like these, where I am so completely alone, frustrated, and left with my thoughts that all I want to do is hit the bottle, and not just one. In fact, there's still plenty of time left to change my mind tonight if I want to. I mean hell, being sober has only isolated me more from people than anything else has ever done before, because no one wants to hang out with the sober person. Literally, people say it to my face; "I didn't invite you because we went out to drink".
On top of just that frustration, Jeremy's been heavy on my mind and heart this weekend too. Almost unbearably heavy. The world is heavy right now, my thoughts are crushing and all I've got is me.
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