Settling for Mediocrity

The problem today is that we settle. We settle for mediocre candidates to run this country, we settle for jobs that make us miserable therefore we pass on that misery to people we come in contact with, and we settle for relationships that don’t help us grow just so that we won’t feel alone; we settle when our real problem is that we do it because we ultimately don’t love ourselves enough to wait for the best. 

Let’s start with the election and I’ll make this quick because frankly, there is already too much nonsense surrounding it. We are being forced to choose between two candidates whom neither are qualified for the position nor can really be trusted to do what is best for all of us. I really want to know how anyone, especially all of these celebrities who are endorsing Clinton after she clearly committed crimes. How do you endorse someone and just look the other way to their crimes? I am truly perplexed at how this happens. Today I saw a cartoon of Trump that I think is a clear depiction of how it would go if he was President. It depicts Trump sitting at a desk as president with two button options in front of him. The first button reads Tweet and the second button reads Nuke. I couldn't find the picture to post but that's all there was to it. I know you could see this being him while sitting at his desk too. I would have liked to see Sanders have a shot, I thought he had a pretty good head on his shoulders, but by no means was I a #feeltheBern wagon rider, however since he’s now completely compromised his morals and supports Clinton, forget all of that nonsense. So here we are, settling between two people whom neither should be allowed to run this country. 

I think because we’re forced into settling from even the highest forms of decisions, it then flows down into other areas of our lives. We then settle for mediocre jobs. Now, don’t get me wrong, there have been many times that I’ve settle for crap jobs because I had to, I had to do it to survive, to pay bills, and to put food on the table; however, with that being said, while I may have settled, it never once stopped me from striving to learn more and continue searching for a job that I could stand behind and be proud of. Currently working and doing things that I love while working for a man whom understands that giving back is what it's really about. While our print and promo does give 50% of profits back to charities, he’s also launching a company that focuses around wear one – share one (stay tuned for a huge push of that). I am in love with the fact that we can not only donate money to world renowned charities, but through this new endeavor we can also give to orphanages across the world! I know that too often in life we must do things we don’t always want to do just to survive, but remember that even if that may be true, you control the portion to learn more, expand your knowledge through asking questions and being trained in other areas, and continue to look for something that makes you truly happy. 

Then while doing all of that, please for the love of all, do not settle for a mediocre relationship. There is nothing more cumbersome for people in your life than to read on social media or hear in person about how completely unhappy and then “in love” you are all within the same day. Relationships are never easy, there are no perfect ones, and each one takes work; but you cannot be successful in any relationship, if you yourself aren’t complete and full of self-love. No one will ever be able to love you like you can love yourself. You have to be happy, successful, and content with being alone and never rely on someone to complete you. If you’re looking for someone to fix you, or complete you, all you’re doing is creating a bigger mess. You absolutely shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t make you happy, never settle for someone who can sleep at night after saying horrible name calling things to you and making you cry. No one is ever worth your tears unless they’re sick and ailing, or they’ve died and you miss their presence in your life. Why would you want to be with someone who makes you sad?!? 

Being with someone should be a joy, it should be able to give you a new view on life, and lead you on to experience things that you might not do on your own; even if it’s just a new movie or tv show. If you’re going to settle for something less than the best, be sure that no one in your life wants to hear about it when it’s imploding in your face, because that my dear, you’ve done to yourself. It’s okay to be alone, I’ve been single and alone since December of 2014 and while I’ve been on dates, and I’ve tried to date, let me be sure to tell you that none of them have ever been able to come close to what I know I deserve in life. They may be great guys for other girls, but I know exactly what I want and what I deserve and I refuse to settle for less than that, and you shouldn’t either. 

If it helps, sit down and write out a list, make two columns and write down your likes and dislikes. From there, figure out then things that you can live with and those that are hard lines for you. For example, a hard line for me is someone who doesn’t believe in God. I can’t be with someone on a long term basis whom I can’t feel comfortable sitting next to in church, and trust me, even some of the most “Godly” looking men can make you feel uncomfortable in church. I remember some who I knew in my heart, may believe in God but ultimately they have bad hearts. That’s another one of my hard lines, someone with a rude heart and a closed mind. Oh and picky eaters! Seriously, a very hard line for me is someone who is a picky eater. The world has way too much to offer for me to experience it with someone whom refuses to try new things. So those are just a few of my hard lines. Your hard lines don’t need to be the same nor anywhere near close to mine but you should know what they are. 

Our lives are far too short for any of us to settle for anything in life that is less than what we deserve. While yes, settling sometimes is forced upon us and out of our control, what isn’t out of our control is striving to reach beyond those moments and striving to have the best in our lives. We control our lives, and it’s time we start working towards those better moments. Be happy. I don’t know a single person who loves to be unhappy. So work harder, get a grip, and stop settling for less than you deserve.

Where Troubles Melt Like Lemon Drops

Recently my sobriety was called into question by a now former employer whom, out of anger at my exit, took a very classless approach and lashed out at me about it and stated that I am sober because I use to wake up to random men in my bed. It took me days to let that shock wear off since random men in my bed has never been a thing in my life nor will it ever be. Not to mention, the person making this statement wasn't anyone that I had any kind of relationship with outside of answering his incoming calls. For anyone who knows me, my standards are far too high even for my own good, sober or completely wasted. Once that shock and absurdity wore off, alongside many other outlandish things said by this person, I started on a new path as I think it was due time. 

It was never any big secret that I quit drinking because it became a overly used crutch for me after Jeremy died. Without drinking I couldn't comprehend at the time how I could possibly live my life without my brother here with me. How for 30 years, when you have someone who is your other half, through all the shit we had been through together, for him to just be gone forever, wasn't a forever I wanted to face. I didn't think I could see many days in my own life ahead. At his one year anniversary, after a sleepless night (because I'm an insomniac most days), no food, and sitting at a brewery having two beers, I proceeded to make stupid decisions which resulted in a DUI for me. What ensued for me after that DUI was then a year and half custody battle that did nothing for either party other than destroy me financially, and after 10 years finally gave him joint custody. 

With all that being said, I still didn't stop drinking. I mean how could I? How could I, coming from a family of addicts, not knowing how to deal with grief, going through a breakup of a long romance, facing financial ruin, facing someone at minimum once a month (sometimes three times a month) in court who was trying to take my only child away from me, and navigating a system who was making two beers out to be the end of the world, just simply put all booze aside? Yes, there were many dark days publicly that I had while drinking but many of my demons were at night, while I was home alone that no one saw. Those were the moments that everyone should have been concerned with, had they known. So I didn't stop drinking until one very defining moment. One single person gave me the wake-up call I needed, without even knowing it. 

In April of 2015 I was still trying hard to heal a broken heart from a short but extremely deep relationship that had ended but was still lingering around. My ex and I talked occasionally and while he was kind of seeing someone new, it still wasn't anything I took serious from him by the way he spoke about her and them as a couple. So one April night I went over to his place to watch a Hawks game with him and have a drink. My one drink was an entire bottle of wine, and a night of clarifying regrets. It was the next morning that I knew he wasn't going to come back to me, he was just simply stringing me along for those moments he was unhappy, unsure, or unsatisfied with whatever decisions he was making for his life without me in it. I was simply a pawn for him, and holy shit where was my dignity?! I am the person who always demands respect as I give it, yet here I was yet again, letting my heart lead me into a swamp because I had hope that I would be his one and only. That I wanted to believe in the life he promised me and believe that he wouldn't be another broken heart for me. But this isn't a fairy-tale, it's reality and my reality SUCKED!

That next morning I decided, through my haze of a hangover, that I needed to stop drinking. I needed to for so many reasons across the board but mostly because I was allowing my grief to drive me into the darkest corners of my life and it was ultimately destroying me. I was destroying myself and I was destroying my child's entire life of hard work I put in to be a good role model to her. I needed to heal my heart, soul, and mind. I needed have a clear head and mourn the loss of my brother, no matter how long that took me to do. So here we are, 460 days into my sobriety!

I haven't had a single drop of alcohol in 460 days. To break that down, that's 1 year, 3 months, 3 days, 17 hours, and 4 minutes. In those 460 days I have done so much, I have learned so much, and most importantly I have accomplished so much. While my heart will never be the same and I will forever until my last breath grieve my brother, I have spent this time rediscovering the things that are still here, the things that still make me smile, and the things that can still bring me love; even if it's just a really good bargain. I have been able to rediscover the girl who finds the silver-lining in everything. I have been able to get back on my feet, re-establish my life, my finances, and my destiny. I know that I cannot undo my wrongs, but I do know that I don't ever have to repeat them. 

Tonight I went out to celebrate with one of the few people whom has stood by me and supported me without wavering. She didn't let me feel like an outsider just because I didn't drink and was someone I could always have fun with no matter what. Tonight was my night to start over and do right by my dedication and determination. As we sat down and she ordered her very typical beer (love you), I asked the waiter for a lemon drop martini. And instantly she says, "OH! Are we doing this?!" 

As cute as she was and happy to experience a new moment for me, there was a lot of anxiety surmounting in me as it sat there in front of me. And true to her charm, she told me that I didn't have to do this and that one sip would be okay. I took a deep breath and took my first sip of alcohol in 460 days. She asked me if it tasted like shit and I said, "nope, it's everything I remembered it to be". I left dinner tonight with a half drank lemon drop martini sitting on the table, but a new appreciation for who I am for what I've accomplished, and what I am about to conquer in the world. 

We all have demons no matter how much we try to hide them. We all have darkness that clouds our joy that we need to erase with the light of our lives. It's all in how we do these things to better ourselves, and most importantly, when we decide to do it. I have in 460 days cast out more demons than just using drinking as a crutch, demons that consumed me far beyond the days I started drinking, I chose to bring the light back into my life because I deserve it, as do you! I have never in this last year ever told someone they needed to stop drinking, or couldn't drink around me, I have however hoped that through my journey, that I have somewhere along the path shown at least one person that making hard changes, for however long you decide they need to be, can be done and will bring you out into a better place for your life.

It's Not a Movement, It's an Issue

Before I get started, I need to state that this entry is going to be very hard to handle for some. However, I have never been an easy pill to swallow. With that being said, let's dive right in.  

I cannot and have not ever been able to get behind the #blacklivesmatter movement and even further I find the hands up, don't shoot statement ten times worse to support. I wholeheartedly believe that these two statements and movements breed racism, they support the divide, and they amplify issues into catastrophic events. As soon as you slap a label on an incident like someone's death, it is forever labeled and classified as such. Take police shooting a black person, and remove any and all circumstances surrounding it. Right there, is one label, they're black. So we all jump on the wagon of it being a race issue. How about someone a little lighter in skin tone but not by much, throw on a beard, and they kill someone. Automatically we just jump right into assuming they're with ISIS. Let's keep going even lighter, let's take the whites of America who are killing, our automatic label for them is either they're psychologically unstable or they're basically a Nazi/radical. We have now labeled every single one of them, put them into a classification whether they really fit there or not, and we've started a divide among the nation. Here's what it all boils down to though - they are all just assholes. 

That's it, they're simply just assholes, the cop who kills or the civilian who kills, but our society now feeds on hatred and craves giving attention to the evil in the world instead of striving to correct it. I'm not at all letting anyone off the hook for murder, I will never do that and I am a firm supporter in capital punishment.  I do though think that we need to stop the cesspool of bullshit we've created. Police are the hero's of our communities, however that does not mean that evil doesn't reside within some of them. It does not mean that under pressure, judgement seems to disappear and mistakes happen. It also doesn't mean that some of them won't murder knowing they can get away with it. Being a police officer isn't an automatic guarantee that they're perfect, know all the answers, and are always right. Being a police officer does mean that your life, is always on the line, always, even off duty. I know and I understand that police have killed people when they shouldn't have, I also have enough sense to know that not every police officer is white and they don't just do it to black people, murder unfortunately isn't exclusive for just one race. I think the difference is, the world is very use to a white person dying by war or murder or what have you. Murders by police don't tip the scale from one race to another, shit just happens. It is society though who labels it and amplifies it, and forces it into being a war on racism. That's where the problem is. 

The same thoughts preside for Muslims, or Middle Eastern people. Not every single one of them is Islamic, not every single one of them is a radical, and not every single Islamic is Middle Eastern either. Have you been paying attention? I've seen white people support and try to join ISIS, which is far beyond just stirring the pot; it squashes all preconceived notions we've been building public opinion on. And whites, what a problematic race all around. Not only are they for some reason held to a higher standard, but the racial divide happens when they're publicly excused from crimes. Also known as the current Clinton scandal. That's an entirely separate blog though. No one should be excused for murder so let's all just collectively agree that capital punishment should be all around reinstated. But let's also agree that when an incident or murder happens and is thrown into our faces by social media, may I ask that we all wait two seconds for a full account of events and details before we start burning people at the stake?

From what I've seen and what I've read, I agree that so far the murder of Alton Sterling was pretty much unjustified and the murder of Philando Castile was completely unjustified. I know I said pretty much, but let's keep in mind that both did have a gun on them. No, that doesn't warrant murder, but it does add pressure to a heated or unknown situation. Philando even informed the officer that he had a conceal and carry. Honestly, most of America is working on conceal and carry, I'm not saying the police are allowed to murder anyone carrying. I am saying that we have to accept all aspects of a situation. I also believe that due to the nation pushing hard on the black lives matter movement, we're completely dismantling police and we aren't allowing them to do their jobs. We are interfering with their duties, and we are jeopardizing their judgement calls. We have created a monster, we have embedded into the minds of everyone that if someone is black and has a gun, they're an immediate threat. When actually I'm more terrified of a white man carrying a gun because I know how irrational they can be when they are angry. 

We need to correct this epidemic. Whether you want to admit it or not, this nation is falling to shit since we try so desperately work to remove God from it, but to preach on religion isn't what I'm here for at this moment but it's a truth that needs to be said. Where our biggest problem lies is that we've allowed a monumental racial divide to happen. We have blacks all throughout history, whites too, that have fought and died to remove that divide and I feel like we're sliding backwards with it. We are all human beings, beyond pigments, we all have the same functioning organs, blood, muscles, and bones that make our beings. Labeling isn't just detrimental it's destructive and we need it to stop; not just among ourselves but within the media too.

July Holiday 2016

I don’t reasonable expect anyone to fall in love with me again, on a legitimate basis of being “the one” and I’m okay with that. I don't need to feel like someone completes my existence because that isn't the case. However for years I had a hard time with not feeling that I was ever the one for any given man I’ve dated but as my Thirties tick on, I have come to love exactly who I am and love exactly where my life has progressed to. I’ve invested a lot into correcting the wrongs of my past and while I know that no matter how much I do, I can never undo the damage or pain I’ve caused others, I know that in my heart, soul, and with God that I am forgiven.

I do however strive to find someone who is a consistent and good entity in my life. Growing up not knowing what a good marriage is all about really detours you from ever knowing how to have one of your own. While yes my marriage failed, I have always said that it was because we weren’t right for each other; by no means does that mean that either one of us failed the institution. I am not in a rush to find a spouse especially if that means that for the rest of our lives we will be unhappy together, but I would be very happy to spend the rest of our lives simply dating exclusively if that means that happiness is forever on the horizon.

Dating someone shouldn't automatically mean that you have to pursue a marriage with them. There are plenty of people to just date because you have many things in common with them. Even still, dating is increasingly hard to accomplish it seems. Maybe it's just me; I just can't find the willingness within me to have my time wasted for something that won't be fulfilling in some sense. Frankly I'm willing to admit that I am sick and tired of being alone, I don't know if it's just this damn night or what but it seems to have reached the ceiling. I've never been one for labels, in high school I cringed when I was called someone's "girlfriend", and while it's still a little nauseating, why is it so hard to just find a steady road to stay on with someone?

When you're a single girl in your thirties, combined with a sober single girl in your thirties, the invites are extremely limited. So it's nights like tonight that I'm sitting at home, blogging, and texting my other single friend miles and miles away trying to figure out if this is what our lives are meant to be. To wonder if 'this is it' is so incredibly painful for us. We don't ask for much but we can't even get the little bit that we do ask for. 

It's another year of fireworks, and not the kind I get when you look at me, when your hand brushes mine, or when our bodies meet. It's another year of fireworks under the big night sky all alone. They're a spectacular sight, so much beauty and power, they make me weak in the knees and full of emotions, and yet here I am left standing alone under their glow.

It Is In Moments of Decision That Your Destiny is Shaped

I have learned in life that when I make a decision, no matter what, I need to stick to it. Whether the end result is good or bad, and if I'm given the right to make the decision I also need the take hold of the responsibility to follow it all the way through. The problem is that when I make decisions for my life but they effect others, they can't see their faults within that process. That's problematic for society. 

This week I made the decision to leave my job for another one. Same industry, however they are run two completely different ways. I knew I couldn't be irrational in my decision, I knew I couldn't make a decision solely based on emotion, but I also knew that come hell or high water a decision needed to be made. I've been at my company for nearly a year, when I signed on I was so excited for the projection of the company as it was presented to me. I busted my ass every day to prove my worth, to see that the company succeed, and to fulfill the projection I was presented with when I started. Every month was a new promise with a new responsibility, I would fulfill my end but the promises were never kept. My days were becoming a consistent struggle to successfully do my job and not lose my mind in the process. 

My final straw came about a couple weeks ago. February 18 I was granted a week of vacation time that I wanted and needed to take with my daughter set for the week of June 13. About a week before my vacation they started to ask me to come in during those days I had off due to others wanting to be gone as well. Up to the Friday before I was still being asked but I wouldn't and I couldn't. My time with my daughter was already set in stone with her father and I wasn't about to change that. I've learned to keep him on a short leash or else he becomes feral.  I took my vacation and then came back a week later to being put on probation for 60 days. I wasn't allowed to know why other than the following reasons of: no less than five customers complained about me, there's a rumor I was looking for another job, and I shouldn't have been allowed to take a week off. I was never allowed to know what the "complaints" were but instead was just told to fix it. I wasn't in fact looking for a job but instead while I was at home, my boss went into my indeed account where I listed all of our job postings for the company and listed one for my position; problem was for him, while I was at home monitoring my emails making sure that my customers were being taken care of, those resumes were coming in to me instead of him. And ultimately I was being punished for actually taking my vacation and not working like they wanted me to at the last minute. It was at that moment I started looking for another job. 

I went against my moral compass and posted a small plea to Facebook. I no longer like to put too much out there especially when it comes to work if it's in the negative sense, but I also know that God always has a way of working things out. So there it was, a little bit of my frustration but also the beginning of my betterment. I spent what felt like forever negotiating with a new company but one that I feel comfortable and familiar with. As the time went on, current work became worse by the day and not because you may think I checked out but because management was really starting to impose power trips that they legally just couldn't. I however was completely paralyzed by the thoughts of do I stay imprisoned in the abuse or do I jump ship and start over again. No one ever really enjoys starting over in any area of life. So I reached out to my sister. She is a great sounding board but more importantly I don't know anyone who knows me better than her. We had a long discussion and weighed all the options, I then spent a lot of time in prayer about it, and I mean a lot, and I slept on it. By the end of my week I was ready. I will always trust in the direction that the Lord takes me no matter how much I'm not sure of where it's going. 

On Friday I submitted my letter of resignation which with this company is just an immediate firing by them because they're so power hungry that everything needs to be on their terms. I then submitted the following reasons as to why I was leaving; due to the overwhelming verbal abuse, the inconsistencies in procedures, the exponential poor management, and continual threats amongst a laundry list of other things, I have submitted my letter of resignation. I've put a lot of thought and consideration into this but clearly the company cannot survive with (said President) at the helm. The work environment is so beyond hostile and toxic that it has greatly put my sobriety in jeopardy. 

So far what has followed are just accusations that I have things going on in my personal life that are influencing all of this. This takes full circle back to what I said in the beginning that the problem with society is that they cannot and will not accept their roles in the downfall of situations. My "personal life" was never much to be shared inside those walls, and said life is actually pretty damn great on all accords. So for someone or anyone to say that I'm having things go on, makes them sound like complete morons. 

Tomorrow we will all celebrate our independence, some of us more-so than others. It's the start of a new week for me, a week with a company I can grow in and thrive in, and a week of new and endless possibilities for my life. So before you put that M80 in your hand or win at beer pong for the 5th time in a row and drive home, just remember that no matter what decisions you make in your life, be fully prepared to follow them through all the way to the end. Please don't do either of those!