Recently my sobriety was called into question by a now former employer whom, out of anger at my exit, took a very classless approach and lashed out at me about it and stated that I am sober because I use to wake up to random men in my bed. It took me days to let that shock wear off since random men in my bed has never been a thing in my life nor will it ever be. Not to mention, the person making this statement wasn't anyone that I had any kind of relationship with outside of answering his incoming calls. For anyone who knows me, my standards are far too high even for my own good, sober or completely wasted. Once that shock and absurdity wore off, alongside many other outlandish things said by this person, I started on a new path as I think it was due time.
It was never any big secret that I quit drinking because it became a overly used crutch for me after Jeremy died. Without drinking I couldn't comprehend at the time how I could possibly live my life without my brother here with me. How for 30 years, when you have someone who is your other half, through all the shit we had been through together, for him to just be gone forever, wasn't a forever I wanted to face. I didn't think I could see many days in my own life ahead. At his one year anniversary, after a sleepless night (because I'm an insomniac most days), no food, and sitting at a brewery having two beers, I proceeded to make stupid decisions which resulted in a DUI for me. What ensued for me after that DUI was then a year and half custody battle that did nothing for either party other than destroy me financially, and after 10 years finally gave him joint custody.
With all that being said, I still didn't stop drinking. I mean how could I? How could I, coming from a family of addicts, not knowing how to deal with grief, going through a breakup of a long romance, facing financial ruin, facing someone at minimum once a month (sometimes three times a month) in court who was trying to take my only child away from me, and navigating a system who was making two beers out to be the end of the world, just simply put all booze aside? Yes, there were many dark days publicly that I had while drinking but many of my demons were at night, while I was home alone that no one saw. Those were the moments that everyone should have been concerned with, had they known. So I didn't stop drinking until one very defining moment. One single person gave me the wake-up call I needed, without even knowing it.
In April of 2015 I was still trying hard to heal a broken heart from a short but extremely deep relationship that had ended but was still lingering around. My ex and I talked occasionally and while he was kind of seeing someone new, it still wasn't anything I took serious from him by the way he spoke about her and them as a couple. So one April night I went over to his place to watch a Hawks game with him and have a drink. My one drink was an entire bottle of wine, and a night of clarifying regrets. It was the next morning that I knew he wasn't going to come back to me, he was just simply stringing me along for those moments he was unhappy, unsure, or unsatisfied with whatever decisions he was making for his life without me in it. I was simply a pawn for him, and holy shit where was my dignity?! I am the person who always demands respect as I give it, yet here I was yet again, letting my heart lead me into a swamp because I had hope that I would be his one and only. That I wanted to believe in the life he promised me and believe that he wouldn't be another broken heart for me. But this isn't a fairy-tale, it's reality and my reality SUCKED!
That next morning I decided, through my haze of a hangover, that I needed to stop drinking. I needed to for so many reasons across the board but mostly because I was allowing my grief to drive me into the darkest corners of my life and it was ultimately destroying me. I was destroying myself and I was destroying my child's entire life of hard work I put in to be a good role model to her. I needed to heal my heart, soul, and mind. I needed have a clear head and mourn the loss of my brother, no matter how long that took me to do. So here we are, 460 days into my sobriety!
I haven't had a single drop of alcohol in 460 days. To break that down, that's 1 year, 3 months, 3 days, 17 hours, and 4 minutes. In those 460 days I have done so much, I have learned so much, and most importantly I have accomplished so much. While my heart will never be the same and I will forever until my last breath grieve my brother, I have spent this time rediscovering the things that are still here, the things that still make me smile, and the things that can still bring me love; even if it's just a really good bargain. I have been able to rediscover the girl who finds the silver-lining in everything. I have been able to get back on my feet, re-establish my life, my finances, and my destiny. I know that I cannot undo my wrongs, but I do know that I don't ever have to repeat them.
Tonight I went out to celebrate with one of the few people whom has stood by me and supported me without wavering. She didn't let me feel like an outsider just because I didn't drink and was someone I could always have fun with no matter what. Tonight was my night to start over and do right by my dedication and determination. As we sat down and she ordered her very typical beer (love you), I asked the waiter for a lemon drop martini. And instantly she says, "OH! Are we doing this?!"
As cute as she was and happy to experience a new moment for me, there was a lot of anxiety surmounting in me as it sat there in front of me. And true to her charm, she told me that I didn't have to do this and that one sip would be okay. I took a deep breath and took my first sip of alcohol in 460 days. She asked me if it tasted like shit and I said, "nope, it's everything I remembered it to be". I left dinner tonight with a half drank lemon drop martini sitting on the table, but a new appreciation for who I am for what I've accomplished, and what I am about to conquer in the world.
We all have demons no matter how much we try to hide them. We all have darkness that clouds our joy that we need to erase with the light of our lives. It's all in how we do these things to better ourselves, and most importantly, when we decide to do it. I have in 460 days cast out more demons than just using drinking as a crutch, demons that consumed me far beyond the days I started drinking, I chose to bring the light back into my life because I deserve it, as do you! I have never in this last year ever told someone they needed to stop drinking, or couldn't drink around me, I have however hoped that through my journey, that I have somewhere along the path shown at least one person that making hard changes, for however long you decide they need to be, can be done and will bring you out into a better place for your life.
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