July Holiday 2016

I don’t reasonable expect anyone to fall in love with me again, on a legitimate basis of being “the one” and I’m okay with that. I don't need to feel like someone completes my existence because that isn't the case. However for years I had a hard time with not feeling that I was ever the one for any given man I’ve dated but as my Thirties tick on, I have come to love exactly who I am and love exactly where my life has progressed to. I’ve invested a lot into correcting the wrongs of my past and while I know that no matter how much I do, I can never undo the damage or pain I’ve caused others, I know that in my heart, soul, and with God that I am forgiven.

I do however strive to find someone who is a consistent and good entity in my life. Growing up not knowing what a good marriage is all about really detours you from ever knowing how to have one of your own. While yes my marriage failed, I have always said that it was because we weren’t right for each other; by no means does that mean that either one of us failed the institution. I am not in a rush to find a spouse especially if that means that for the rest of our lives we will be unhappy together, but I would be very happy to spend the rest of our lives simply dating exclusively if that means that happiness is forever on the horizon.

Dating someone shouldn't automatically mean that you have to pursue a marriage with them. There are plenty of people to just date because you have many things in common with them. Even still, dating is increasingly hard to accomplish it seems. Maybe it's just me; I just can't find the willingness within me to have my time wasted for something that won't be fulfilling in some sense. Frankly I'm willing to admit that I am sick and tired of being alone, I don't know if it's just this damn night or what but it seems to have reached the ceiling. I've never been one for labels, in high school I cringed when I was called someone's "girlfriend", and while it's still a little nauseating, why is it so hard to just find a steady road to stay on with someone?

When you're a single girl in your thirties, combined with a sober single girl in your thirties, the invites are extremely limited. So it's nights like tonight that I'm sitting at home, blogging, and texting my other single friend miles and miles away trying to figure out if this is what our lives are meant to be. To wonder if 'this is it' is so incredibly painful for us. We don't ask for much but we can't even get the little bit that we do ask for. 

It's another year of fireworks, and not the kind I get when you look at me, when your hand brushes mine, or when our bodies meet. It's another year of fireworks under the big night sky all alone. They're a spectacular sight, so much beauty and power, they make me weak in the knees and full of emotions, and yet here I am left standing alone under their glow.