When Your Nightmare Gets Engaged

This week I was able to take some time off work so that I could go on a field trip with my daughter. One of the first things she says to me as I walk into the classroom door is, "Dad bought a ring to proposed to his girlfriend". Ever since that moment, I've been struggling immensely with some internal frustration. 

While the story of their relationship goes back to 2014, there is so much more to it. There are so many things that just completely bother me and frustrate me and to know that getting engaged and/or married, just shouldn't be happening. She first comes into the relationship with a pretty involved wrap sheet including many drug charges just to brush the top of it. She has three children who she doesn't have custody of and who don't live with her and she doesn't often see. In the time since they started dating, she's moved in and out about 5 times if not more, I've honestly lost count, this last time she swore she wasn't coming back but did because he pays for everything all the way down to the roof over her head and the car she drives. When my daughter found out that her dad bought a ring she asked him why and he told her it's because the girlfriend realized that she needed him. "Needed"? Shouldn't we be telling children about love and making things work, and not about needing someone? Isn't that teaching children to settle for whatever they can get instead of doing better? Why are we in a world of settling instead of shooting for the stars, finding something that is a true fit instead of forcing it to fit.

In their relationship, they fight and argue, past the point of words at least for him, and into punching things. They continually talk horrible about each other behind each others backs to my daughter. And as far as I understand it, the kids, his kids, hate her. He would actually marry someone whom his children hate. And not just his kids but his family too. How does one even do that?!

After seeing my daughter's social media of tonight's popped question, parts of me wonder if my daughter hates the girlfriend just to protect me. My daughter seems like she's now on board with the idea except for days she's been telling me how much she doesn't want this to happen. 

I am just so frustrated because I am so tired of watching crappy people get married. It not only ruins the whole idea of marriage, but it also sucks to be around crappy people with shitty relationships. Am I messed up for not settling? Am I missing out on something in life? Why am I the one at home crying and the one left feeling confused? I am just so tired of seeing such horrible people get married. Another thing that makes me mad about the whole thing is that if it does happen, if they actually get married, he'll throw it in my face. Like he does about everything else. How the hell is that fair? Oh, yes, thank you for bragging about your shitty relationship.

After I made it to my one year sobriety, many people asked me if I could go back to drinking now that I've "got a handle on it". The simple answer is no. I can't because there's weekends like these, where I am so completely alone, frustrated, and left with my thoughts that all I want to do is hit the bottle, and not just one. In fact, there's still plenty of time left to change my mind tonight if I want to. I mean hell, being sober has only isolated me more from people than anything else has ever done before, because no one wants to hang out with the sober person. Literally, people say it to my face; "I didn't invite you because we went out to drink". 

On top of just that frustration, Jeremy's been heavy on my mind and heart this weekend too. Almost unbearably heavy. The world is heavy right now, my thoughts are crushing and all I've got is me.

When Elections Make You a Monster

I have to wonder if Trump is doing so well during the Presidential race because the mass majority of the country is tired of being forced to be politically correct all the time. We are forced to accept things and people foreign to us simply to protect them, disregarding anything that ourselves might want to stand up for. I for one am sick and tired of the government controlling every single thing we do, every move we make, every decision we think we aren’t free to make on our own. I miss the fact that our children don’t say the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of each school day, it’s disheartening that for a country that was built on morals and “In God We Trust” is being torn down and torn apart by people who don’t want to offend immigrants. 

I understand that Trump for the most part can be ridiculous. However, Trump also does so well because he says what he wants without apology. He has ideas, he has plans, and he’s not sorry for taking a firm stance. Someone needs to. Someone in this country needs to throw down the gauntlet and stop the nonsense. I for one cannot simply take any more PC crap being forced upon me. I feel like I can’t think, act, or make any one given decision without worrying who will be offended by it or who will take affirmative action against it. 

Now I also listen to the Clinton supporters and they’ve got some points in their favor too. However I really believe that the only real thing Clinton has going for her is her “woman card”. I can’t for the life of me understand how people can back someone whom leads the way with criminally negligent acts alongside them. Let me take that back now that I’ve thought about it. Look at this country, look at how much we’ve allowed authority figures to run it into the ground, how we’ve allowed them to commit criminal acts, and we’ve stood by; we’ve not only stood by but we’ve continued to allow them to run this country, these states, and business from coast to coast. So for people to back Clinton beyond her woman card is actually completely plausible. 

I would love to see a woman President run this country. I believe that it’s just as fair for a woman as it is a man because gender doesn’t define my trust in someone. There are amazing qualities about women that give them the ability to be amazing leaders, the key to it is, it has to be the right woman; and I think that that type of woman would have to be one who has busted her ass to prove herself, who has worked hard for the position she has, and who cannot be bought no matter what. 

I know very little about Sanders, simply due to my lack of interest in him which is shameful on my part but I have been paying attention enough to know enough to finish this blog entry. What I admire about Sanders is that I gather that as a single mother, he would actually be able to understand where I come from as a citizen from the Midwest. I feel like given his age, he could still related to actual people and not just CEO’s and people with million dollar incomes. I can’t understand how the millennials are so incredibly into backing him, but I am glad that he’s getting their attention because it’s important to be able to reach all generations and not have exclusions. 

I have some concern about his age because I’ve watched how being President can very quickly age the men that have taken up that position, but I don’t feel like he’s running just to prove something to everyone. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s none of my business to know who you’re voting for, just as it’s none of your business to know who I’m voting for. Frankly when asked, I just ignore the question all together. I can’t understand that audacity to actually ask someone. 

Whomever it may be, vote in peace. Please stop shoving all of your #Trump2016, your #ClintonforPresident, and your #feeltheBern down my throat. Who you support, whether in a Presidential race, sports, or any other area of life, is in no way going to impact my thoughts or decisions to follow suit.

Bottoms Up!

I wanted to write this great nostalgic blog on my one year -alcohol free- anniversary, but as I sit here I'm having the good ol' fashion writers block. 

I think the true turning point in life is when you recognize that something in your life needs to change, and also actually doing something about it. I feel like there are so many people from my past that I need to apologize to, simply because all too often I was an awful drunk. There are also those same people that I hope would be proud of me for getting here. If not, at the end of the day, I feel good about it. 

It's really hard making the decision to cut drinking out of your life, it's even harder to actually stick to it. There have been a fair share of weak moments, that only a few have been able to encounter, but to those few, your support and encouragement have been priceless to me. I also want to thank the few who continued to be true friends and who didn't abandon me while I went on this new path. I've lost a lot of friends in the last year but I cannot feel any guilt for them being uncomfortable around me while they drink and I don't. Their feelings are not my responsibility.

I think about the things I've been able to accomplish in the last year instead of spending my money on high quality, tasty drinks. I think about how God has blessed me and provided for me as I've rallied with Him to get here. 

I hope I am now a better example to my daughter. I hope that she forgives me on the days that I'm tired and frustrated, and simply wish I could sit down to a drink but instead I am just that tired and frustrated Momma instead. 

It took me three years but I've been able to acquire a better handle on my grief. Ironic that the past couple nights Jeremy has been visiting my dreams. I know he's proud of me, he always was. I've also been able to set down and walk away from the garbage baby-daddy tries to drag me into. I've all around become an emotionally stronger person from not using alcohol as a crutch for hard situations in my life. 

I can't say that I'll never return to drinking. In fact I'd like to celebrate with a drink; but I know who I am and I know that that is just too slippery of a slope for me. For now, I'll still remember the first sips of Patron Silver, craft beers, IPA's, and sweet red and white wines; but not without remembering the aftermath that comes with it. I guess I'll enjoy this sweet, rusty penny looking, 1 year chip instead.

It's Okay To Reset Life

It may be that as we age we forget basic life rules, or it could be that as the years evolve, we as a society dissolve into having poor standards. Let's recap some basics in life that maybe we all just need a gentle reminder of. 

~ Hold the door. Do it and don't expect appreciation. When you get it, it will be all that much better. 

~ If I tell you about something going on in my life, good or bad, it doesn't entitle you to then tell everyone else. Please find your own life events to discuss because if there's a process to someone's news, you're forcing it into fruition; you're not God nor the town crier. 

~ Texts, emails, and social media help you stay in touch but for heavens sake, pick up the phone. It's okay to step away from life and catch up. 

~ Write a note, put a stamp on it and everything. You wouldn't believe the happiness it will bring. 

~ Be present. All the time. 

~ Being honest and presenting facts are worth it but not always received. 

~ Your word is your bond.

~ Say what you mean and mean what you say. Play board games, not mind games. 

~ Apologize and accept apologies. Never accept repeat offenders. 

The perfection of loving your body

I would love to tell my teenage self that the day will come when I will love my body. That my existence and my worth are not measured by the numbers on a scale. I want to tell her that constantly comparing myself to others is the most effective way to destroy myself and keep me from ever evolving, ever loving, and ever succeeding in most areas of my life. I want to tell her that controlling eating disorders is not something to be proud of but instead control things that will positively influence my life. Run, walk, climb; do anything other than kill yourself with the toxicity of never being able to reach "perfection" which doesn't at all exist. 

I don't know if it's a 'coming to age' in your thirties, I don't know if it's something about raising a preteen girl, but whatever the case may be, I have found that I love my body. A little over a year ago, I weighed less than I ever have and I accomplished it in a healthy manner. Today, I weigh more than I ever have and I'm getting back on track to bringing that number down some. The key to both those points in my life is that heavy or light, I love my body. My self image isn't perfect, there are of course things I'd like to change, but I don't destroy myself with the thoughts that I had for years upon years. I don't make myself miserable or those around me because I'm fighting off demons inside. 

For years I let demons control me, which in turn allowed me to control the only thing I thought I could; my weight and my food. I then let baggage from a controlling ex control me for years, I let the fear, the intimidation, and the abuse control me. Not a whole lot of my life is a secret to those close to me, I cannot be ashamed of where I've been. There's been reasons for it all. The greatest of this is as I get older, those things don't control me anymore. Outside forces will not force me into being someone I am not meant to be. 

There is no perfect body, there are no perfect boobs, there isn't a perfect relationship, and there is no perfect family. The only perfection in life that you can achieve is loving you for exactly who you are; who you are in this moment, who you will be next week, and who you will be a year from now. No matter how you may change, as long as you're changing for the better, that is what's perfect in life. The perfection of loving yourself. 

I know that my daughter struggles with how she looks. I know some of this has to do with family, I know some of this has to do with age, I know some of it has to do with school, and I know some of it has to do with society. However, that child will always be perfect to me. She is beautiful and loved, and there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't remind her of that. I know I can't stop the world from pressuring down on her, but I can be here to continually build her up so that she will love herself long before she reaches her thirties.

What do you mean when you say 'baby'?

I think when you hit a certain age, I'd say the age of about right now, the word baby needs to be reviewed. I can't say whether men or women are more at fault for the misuse of this word, but I see it all too often enough that we should talk about it.

I'm in my thirties as most of my friends are, some are nearing forty if they're not looking, however when I see a photo or I'm introduced to someone and you lead with, "This is my baby", I feel the incessant need to just walk away. I don't know if you're introducing me to your child who is either a teenager or coming close or if you're introducing me to your significant other. Kids these days look older than they should because society is forcing them to grow up before it's time for them to, as well as there's the fact that we're old.

If that's your child, by all means follow up with, "Well he/she isn't such a baby anymore". If that's your significant other, PLEASE just don't. The pet name of baby isn't a bad one in itself, it's a kind term of endearment but as an introductory piece, it should probably be avoided. Introducing someone and tagging them with a title is a case by case basis. I'm one who personally doesn't need a title to know who I am, there are others though that implode if they aren't given one. One however, does not need the title of baby as a leading role. 

When women push to look younger and girls push to look older, it's understandable how lines can get crossed. The line I don't want you to cross is being an adult dating a child. Which is exactly what I think when your introductory is "baby". If we all must conform to labels, let us at least agree to keep the labels accurate if possible.  

When You See the Sun Coming

Success is defined by the goals you set for yourself. Success is accomplished when you hold steadfast and have the patience to allow things to change. It takes a split second to rip your life apart, but the length of time it takes to put it back together is infinite. My life for years was in such a deplorable state, that admitting to it would be an embarrassment of epic proportions. I won't say I didn't have fun, but that fun came at a cost.

When I decided to be sober my driving force was the fact that I couldn't handle my grief, not only could I not handle it but I wasn't dealing with it at all. I was only drinking to bury the pain, which would only resurface by the time the sun was up the next day. My drinking manifested itself which in turn did damage not just to my life but to my daughter's. I was failing her when I fought so hard since the day she was born to never do such a thing. I knew getting sober wasn't going to heal the pain I felt, but I knew I needed to rip off the band-aid and let that open wound heal itself, no matter how long that took. 

People still can't wrap their heads around why I wouldn't want to drink, but dawn is coming upon my life and although the outside doesn't understand it, it's the inside that really matters. I needed to heal, I needed to heal more than just the pain from my grief; I needed to heal my heart from men breaking it, I needed to heal my soul from selling it to the highest bidder, I needed to heal my mind from the intoxication's of pharmaceuticals, I needed to heal from the rumors, heal my reputation, and heal from impulses. There was a lot on my plate that I was neglecting, and so that is some of the reason why I don't drink. 

The thing about life is there is a ripple effect. When you drop a tiny pebble what you may not realize is that the ripple effect could go on for years. So often we forget that before we act. Things are getting better and while it's taking time, I know that so long as I keep my focus and I keep moving forward, that eventually the ripple will calm. 

Today was a revelation in my grief. It was as if there was a whisper to my soul that said, "it's okay", in the calmest of fashions. It was a moment in which I knew the real healing was about to begin. Jeremy's cause of death was ADR; adverse drug reaction. 

Adverse:

adjective preventing success or development; harmful; unfavorable.

 

An adverse drug reaction (ADR) is an injury caused by taking a medication. ADR may occur following a single dose or prolonged administration of a drug or result from the combination of two or more drugs.

 

Do you know that there's actually an antibiotic out there in which it closes up my throat? Do you know that ADR could also be listed as my cause of death over something that I can be prescribed. There's a messed up moment for you. 

I almost wonder if I had cleaned up sooner if I could have saved him, again. I don't feel the guilt that should be tied to that statement, but I do feel the curiosity. While Jeremy struggled with a lot, I think his greatest struggle was like mine, there was just too much cross traffic going on inside his body to know which way to go. Before he died, he was making a good effort at trying to stay away from heroin but if you need to know anything, know that there is very little one can do to escape it's grip. At the time of death, his system contained small traces of nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, and heroin. Heroin is at the end of the day the killer, but all it took was one single last, small dose. 

It's okay to tell the would to F off so that you can heal yourself, because those that understand it will still be there. Those that watch you come back from the ashes, are the ones who were given to you for a reason. While my heart will always hurt from losing him, the wound is healing so that I can learn to love again; to love myself and to be able to want to find love.