Avoid the Homicide of Online Dating

I always go back and forth with online dating, sometimes I'm all into it and sometimes I'm rocking myself in the corner hiding after yet another terrifying experience. The latter is where I'm at today. I tried this time, a different online dating site because somehow I let that little voice tell me that good ones are hiding, just on "different" sites. That little bitch is a liar and for that, I have learned the final lesson in online dating - just don't do it. Let me set the scene. 

I recently joined a site and started talking to someone who lived in Lisle, a bit of a distance from me but then again everyone is at this point. So we started talking or rather texting and within the first two days there were red flags that I SHOULDN'T have ignored. After my last round of online dating and being completely catfished and lied to by a guy in Dekalb, I joked with this guy, we'll call him Kyle, and said "you aren't hiding any battery charges or anything are you". He laughed and said no and I asked the same about me, I told him about my DUI and we discussed it a little and the issues with Jeremy dying that brought me to that point in my life. There is one thing, I will never lie about who I am or where I've come from; it's what's shaped me into who I am today. I also told him how I then went on to get sober and things were cool from there. We talked about any drugs or alcohol, because I also found out a previous guy I was talking to was a pretty good fan of drugs and drinking which doesn't mess well with someone who is trying to be sober in life. 

If you haven't caught on yet, I seriously need to stay off of online dating sites. 

By day two this guy was dropping the "L" word in places where they clearly didn't belong. I worked for a while to keep him under control and not move too fast. I kept bringing up trying to go out and meet in person which was just a grueling task. He worked, but mostly I believe from home and the busiest his days got was his chiropractor appointments. As we continued to talk, he became more and more possessive, demanding, and controlling. We still hadn't met in person and I had to cross check him more than a couple of times and put him back in his place. Example, if I didn't respond to his text, whether it didn't warrant a response or I didn't respond quick enough, he would text me over and over and call me until I did respond. It was a bit much for me or for anyone at that. 

So I tried on three occasions to meet up with him to no avail. Yesterday we were suppose to have lunch but once I realized we weren't going to, I sent him a text letting him know that I've tried to meet up three times and I'm done asking. A little back and forth about how I'm no longer interested in meeting up and the following exchanges took place. 

At this point, he's lied about battery charges three times as well as a DUI charge. I've expressed to him at least three times that I am not interested in pursuing this anymore. 

Disregard my terrible grammar in the text, my brain was working far faster than my fingers. 

This is now the fourth denial of the battery charges against him. 

This is about where you know it's going to go down hill very soon.

This is the first mention of an actual date by him. And his dad? Cancer? He said his dad split long ago and his mom was divorced from his abusive step dad. First mention of his dad and his dad having cancer. It's questionable and said in poor taste if it's not true. And he's a guest at a wedding this weekend. I don't know how that can be stressful.

I figured a no thank you after the three times I told him I wasn't interested anymore was polite but to the point. Man was I wrong!

1. Not an alcoholic but nice try on turning my honesty against me. 2. Not actually a slut because I wouldn't sleep with you even though you wouldn't stop trying for it. 3. Not a whore either but how very kind of you. 4. My skin?! You've NEVER met me and have limited pictures of me. What the hell is that last ditch effort?? 5. Also, is the addict word in means to my DUI because again, it's irrelevant and an improperly used term. 

Ladies, let me just tell you a wee bit of advice when it comes to online dating, other than just don't do it. Google. Always Google!! No one is exempt from Google first off, second if by chance there's limited information on said person, search the county clerk records for whatever town they currently reside in. You'd be amazed at what you find. I'm sure that many find this to be way too much or creepy as Kyle called it, but I'm a single mom with a preteen daughter, there isn't any way I wouldn't be searching all over the internet to find out who someone is. And case in point, this bold face liar right here. If he was this verbally abusive with someone he didn't really know, I can't even begin to imagine what a relationship would have been like with him. I for sure would have, at some point, been stabbed 112 and had my body set on fire by him. I refuse to be a headline on Dateline. 

As I went to bed last night, I laid my head down and felt a sliver of the old me deep down inside that questioned why I wasn't crying after someone was so horribly mean to me. Then I realized that who I was so long ago, how I let words effect me, is no longer who I am today. People like this, no matter how disgusting they are don't deserve my tears, frustration, nor pain. He's a fart in the wind and my life will continue to be beautiful and joyous without him in it. I wish him well but I hope that no woman ever falls victim to his behavior.

Invitation Revoked

As the year winds down, I think my effort to extend invitations is doing the same. For those close to me, they know that for years I’ve made vocal complaints about the lack of hand written invitations, as well as the lack of people returning the proper RSVP in time for such invitations. I know we’re consumed with all of the digital media of today, but losing the art of sitting down and hand writing something to someone is a sad reality. Not only is it an incredibly thoughtful gesture, but I believe it stimulates a lot of intellect within us. My initiative to withhold invitations going forward stems from these four points.

1.       Your read receipt is on

For those of you with iPhones and your read receipt on, know that when someone asks you a question or extends an invitation and you read the text and never bother to answer them, the party on the other end knows. For those of you on Android, sure there is no read receipt, however one still knows when you’re ignoring the question. What’s the point in ignoring someone who simply asks to hang out? It’s incredibly rude to start with, and there is no shame at all in just saying “I can’t”. We’re adults, it’s okay to simply decline.

2.       You can’t lie with social media

When someone asks you to do something or asks you out, and you lie directly to them, you better be willing to see that lie out until your grave arrives. There are so many social media outlets available to us now that if we choose to lie to someone to get out of just telling them no or the truth, but then post something to social media that completely contradicts what we’ve lied about, it has multiple effects. First if makes the receiver of the lie feel like shit (good job a-hole), second you risk ruining that friendship and your reputation as a decent human being, and third you get caught. You get caught and you simply are just an idiot and a jerk then for it.

3.       Side stepping yes or no

Telling someone that you’ll think about their invitation is just the same as the two other points above. Saying yes or no really isn’t that hard, in fact they are some of the very first words that we acquire to our human language. If you have zero interest in an invite, you should just start with a no instead of tying up someone else’s schedule while they wait for you to decide. They’ll move on, make other plans, and then when you do decide you want to accept, you can’t get frustrated with them.

4.       You’re the blue orange

Being that friend who is argumentative about every single topic is completely exhausting for everyone around you. This also encompasses the constant complainer. Over the years I’ve refined this points of frustration. The constant complainer is one who never ever takes a single step towards correcting whatever bug has crawled up their butt this time, and the persistent argument over everything under the sun is completely exhausting to be around. Conversations are never positively stimulating nor a productive use of anyone’s time.

At some point we all just need to grow up. We need to own our words, say what we mean and mean what we say. Pussyfooting around in life has greatly weakened people and we need to grab life back by the balls and man up. If you have no interest in someone or an invite, say it. If the person wants to know why or more details, that’s okay they have a right to ask; and if at that point you can do it, by all means, continue to be honest with them. Telling the truth takes a lot less time to remember and keep track of than lying right to someone’s face and attempting to not get caught.

Parental Rights Should Have Limitations

On the heels of a very tough couple of days recently as a mother, I've found the very first notebook I started to keep after I initially left Don. As if the uprising of concern for my daughter's safety and well-being isn't gut wrenching enough right now, to look back on all of this that started almost 12 years ago makes me physically ill. There are many things in the notebook that I remember all too well, I remember the torture I was trying to get through and I remember the endless nights curled up in a ball allowing someone to make me feel worthless. Some of the things I wrote about I had forgotten about, but show true to his character and show that even after nearly 12 years, he is the exact same person that I chose to walk away from. That alone, is a tremendously sad fact. 

As my daughter grows older, she becomes wrapped into the verbal abuse by her dad that I've taken the brunt of all this time. I've been struggling with this for years that I can't protect her from his words. At first I couldn't protect her from his words he would use towards me in front of her, and now I can't protect her from his words towards both me and her. Not a single Judge will ever listen to me about him, nor make him get the proper counseling to be both a good parent and a good co-parent because everyone is stuck on "father's rights". As she's getting older, his verbal threats to physically harm her have increased both in volume and in descriptive nature. Even still, because he makes three times what I make, he's allowed to get away with it. 

The notebook I started had it's first penned entry in July of 2005 and went in and out of entries up until July of 2009. Ironic it was almost to the exact date, four years apart. In those four years, it was a clear documentation of his abuse, his failure to spend time with our daughter, and the preset to what my life is today with him in it. Although I've worked tirelessly to build myself up and refuse to allow him to threaten me, abuse me, or degrade me, it's something that he still works on doing on a daily basis if he can.  

As I re-read every entry, every line, and every word I could remember each of those moments and reflect on how far I've come. I remember thinking that there was no way I would survive it, that I couldn't possibly withstand under that kind of control and abuse; but here I am, here I am happier than ever and stronger than ever. My heart breaks over the relationships I've lost along the way due to his continual stress and pressure put on my life, I'm sad over the people who walked away or were ran out of my life because they knew they didn't have to stick around to deal with it, and I am forever in debt to those that have stuck around and been there for me. 

There is nothing that will make him behave better as a human being or as a father, but my life and my daughter's life, are well over the hump and on our way into a controlled free future within just a few short years. If anything could have been different over the years, it would have been that someone would have made him go through a lot of counseling, both for anger and for parenting. Someone would have stood up with me and understood that not all parents should be allowed the same rights when it's harmful and detrimental to a child. Not every child is benefited from having both parents in their lives. I have never and don't ever aim to run Don completely out of her life, that's not my goal nor the proper way for me to be a mother, however I wholeheartedly believe that his parental rights should have had strong limitations until he proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that his only interest and his best interest was for our daughter and our daughter alone. With that being said, I know now this late in life that that simply will not ever happen because this my friends isn't the story of David and Goliath. I will however rest in my final days of my life knowing that all I ever did and wanted to do was put my child first. That I worked tirelessly to always do right by her even during the times I failed at it. I want her to be able to have a healthy and loving relationship with her dad and not one where she crumbles under the name calling, criticism, and threats. 

Everyone's baby drama story is different, I know that, but I want others to think before they stand up on their soap boxes and scream about father's rights. I know too that the pendulum swings in the other direction as well with women being horrible mothers, but I want them to know that not all fathers work towards the best interest of their children but instead work years upon years to use them as pawns in order to wreak havoc and chaos on the lives of women whom simply have left them scorned. 

For women who are in similar spots as myself know that you are not alone. You will survive and you will thrive if you just keep your heart, mind, and goals focused on raising the best human beings you can. The hardest statement to this day is still, "I don't know how you do it". I simply cringe at that statement because my life has no other option. I have a child who needs me, I chose to have her which is my commitment to always be there for her, provide for her, and raise her to be a good and decent human being. To say you don't know how I do it is foolish because I just do it.

LOVE MUST BE SINCERE.

HATE WHAT IS EVIL;

CLING TO WHAT IS GOOD. 

~ Romans 12:9

I Don't Remember Asking For Your Opinion On My Parenting

Recently my daughter and I took our 2016 Summer vacation and it was a blast. Our sole purpose of the trip was to get away, see friends in Arizona, and visit California where she's been talking about going to college for at least a year. Neither of us had ever been to California so we were very excited to see the state, and to say it was insightful and beautiful would be an understatement. Our vacation felt much too short and left our hearts longing to make our home out west some day where the sun is almost always shining. As we returned home, I was able to share our vacation stories with friends and family alike. 

My mission as a parent has always been to put my child first (many say it but few do it), I want her to be a positive contribution to society when she grows up, and ultimately I don't want to raise an asshole. I have strived to produce a parenting style different than my own upbringing. While I still see some reflections of my parents at times, I also know that what was then just won't do for what my life is now. One very important thing I took away from my childhood was to instill the importance of education into my child(ren) so that they knew that having to struggle as an adult isn't mandatory but an option provided that choices you make throughout your life. My daughter has always done very well in school and I want to continue to see her go down that path. Since she was about 8 or so, she's been talking about how she wants to be a Graphic Designer when she grows up. Art is something that she's always loved and has been good at. I love seeing her creative side grow. 

Once I realized that her job desire wasn't wavering, I started talking to her about colleges. Something that shamefully enough, I don't know a whole lot about; but I'm grateful for friends who do. As we started talking about them, we also started looking into them. It's not anything that is time consuming but over the years, we've visited states and sometimes campuses to get a feel for the environment that she may or may not be dwelling in one day. It's been such a very cool thing for us to be able to do together. 

So with that being said, if one more person, especially those without any children, have the audacity to ridicule me or my daughter for looking at or discussing colleges at 11 - I may just lose my shit. 

 

The above picture popped up in my feed on Facebook this week and it couldn't have been more perfect timing for what's been swimming around in my thoughts for the past couple of weeks. Now yes, this child is exceptionally gifted to be attending college at 11, however I can almost bet that his parents did absolutely everything they could to support his continual growth. 

I feel like if I don't do my job as a parent and educate my daughter on everything good the world has to offer, she may end up thinking that settling in life is all there is to do. I want her to know that hard work will take you farther than being lackadaisical. I want her to know that pebbles she drops into life's ocean today will have a ripple effect far beyond the years she can see ahead. I want to set the bar high for her so that even if she only reaches it half way, she's still a success either way. 

After our trip I asked her if she still wanted to attend college in California. She said she didn't really want to, while some of the scenes are breathtaking, there's a lot to it that is just too much and frankly just not her cup of tea. We took a good tour around ASU and she saw a lot of what Arizona had to offer, and true to form, she's like her mother and Arizona very quickly won over her heart. 

I know there's still a few more years to go until she graduates, but I'm grateful for these moments I get to share with her. I'm grateful that I have the opportunities to travel with her and to show her what's really out there in the world for her to one day discover on her own. I've also learned that when she makes a decision like changing her mind on states to attend colleges in, she's put some real thought into it. So it's incredibly disheartening to me that people I keep close in my life would say the things I've been hearing since we've returned. Some have downright raised their voices in very opinionated protest, about how ridiculous it is for an 11 year old to be looking at, let alone talking about or making decisions on colleges. 

This is my child, I've raised her for nearly 12 years day in and day out, and I think if anyone was to know what's right or not right for her it would be me. So please, if you have an opinion on something like me pushing college, do me a solid and shut your mouth. As I said originally I won't raise an asshole, which also means that I won't raise a child who grows up to think she's entitled to something she hasn't worked for or earned. There are far worse things that parents impose upon their children, and frankly I cannot ever see college being on that list. 

My daughter is very much like me, almost too much at times. Except she's turning out to be an even better version and for that, I am incredibly blessed.

An Open Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

At five feet, three inches, I have broken you, abused you, mutilated you, starved you, and fed you to excess. I have done that and so many more horrible things, and through it all you've stuck by me and have yet to fail me. Instead what you have done is taught me a great deal about myself. You've taught me that no matter the scars I bear, the weight I lose, or the weight I carry, that I am each and every day stunningly beautiful just the way I am. 

You've taught me that even under crushing criticism from others, nothing else matters as long as you and I are together as one and loved as one. I spent too many years battling you instead of working with you, I let others tell me what was "wrong" with you and what I should "fix". I spent years magnifying you under a microscope that wasn't lead by my own heart and mind but instead by the hateful words of others. And for that, I am terribly sorry. 

I know that I will always be too skinny or too fat, I know that I will either be not strong enough or either too strong, and I know that I'll never fit into a mold that will make the person happy who has a voiced opinion; but I will day in and day out from now on love you, I will love you and I will love us together because God has made me so very perfect just the way that I am. 

Whether I am 100 pounds or 150 pounds, because we've been both in the past couple of years and have felt the hate on both ends, I promise to no more repeat the past and treat you so poorly. I will also work my hardest to show my daughter and all young women around me that our beauty standards as women are not defined or limited to the bodies we are born into. Our beauty is defined by how we approach the world, others, and how we treat humanity. Our beauty is within our creativity, our eagerness to learn, and our knowledge to do better in the world. 

I refuse to be influenced by the opinions of others and instead, live my life to the fullest, in the light and out of the shadows. 

Thank you for putting up with me.

Back Alley Hysterectomy

Fair warning - this blog is about "that time of the month", mostly though cramps. 

I got my period when I was 16 and for the next four years, every month was physical hell for me. Let me tell you, I know 16 is on the later side, but knowing what I know now about my body, I'm grateful it took it's time coming. Almost from the very first moment I can remember the searing pain inside, that burning, never relenting, pain that over and over again left me doubled over in pain while heaving my insides out hugging a toilet. One of my very first encounters I can remember laying there, home with my mom, curled up in a fetus position while crying because the pain was so bad; I had no idea that that was just the beginning. After my first year, I finally went to my Doctor and expressed how I simply cannot withstand this kind of pain every month. I was physically knocked off my feet for the first two to three days in pain, I had to tell jobs before they hired me even because even when I tried, I just couldn't function outside of my bed during those times. This was around the same time that I learned the very hard way that if my period was coming, I should not eat rice before the cramps arrive. Let me tell you, throwing up rice is like throwing up a fully formed sponge; literally almost passed out that night from a lack of air when it got stuck coming back up. I was told by my Doctor that I just have a severe case of cramps, told to always use heat and take over the counter pain relievers. WHAT A F#*#ING JOKE! As if that wasn't what I was already doing. I was also told that once I had a baby, the pain from cramps would be drastically different. So at 17 my choices were to deal with them, get pregnant, or my own personal regular request, get a hysterectomy. Yeah, I couldn't get my Doctor to bite on that last one. 

My life continued in those days in between, when I could actually live life and enjoy it. I moved out to Arizona after High School and fell in and out of love. There was one particularly painful month that my cramps came and I can remember being on the phone with my mom after throwing up, the pain was so intense, I was BEGGING her to help me find a way, any Doctor, that would give me a hysterectomy at 18. Being a mother was all I ever wanted to do in life, however I was willing to forego that deepest desire if I could just be done with the month after month torture I was enduring. At the time my boss was dating a girl who I just adored and got along with so well. As we became better friends I told her what was going on, as girls talk about this kind of stuff usually. Come to find out, she too experienced severe cramps and became a brief but almighty savior for me. That same night that I was on the phone begging to my mom for the hysterectomy, I had sent out an SOS to my friend. She often vacationed in Mexico and kept on her, for her own use, an arrangement of pain killers. She started giving them to me to help me get through each months battle. To be completely honest with you, I had zero idea of what I was taking, and I didn't give a damn. Those pills could have killed me, and I wouldn't have cared. The level of desperation that I was at by the time I was 18 was at it's highest, it was pathetic, and it was one more encounter away from a back alley hysterectomy - no joking. As you can see though, I lived, and those pills, those tiny cocktail of relief I popped every month got me through until I moved back to Illinois. 

By 20 I was pregnant! Oh sweet, sweet relief! No period and no cramps for 9 months!!!! Let me tell you I thought I was going to finally feel free even if it was only for 9 months. Oh man, how very wrong I was. Morning sickness became my new enemy, and not just you know a little here and there; we're talking 5 months of throwing up. I tried to tell my OBGYN that I couldn't keep anything down, and his advice was, "I need you to try". As the first trimester ended, and I was still battling morning sickness, it increased - it was becoming all day sickness; three times a days a lot of the time. If I put anything into my stomach, sure as shit, it was going to come back up. Another lesson in throwing up, you will choke to nearly death if a black olive and bread also gets lodged while coming back up. Bad Subway, bad. So back to the Doctor I go and to what a surprise (only if you're a complete idiot), I had lost 8 pounds. Here I am, second trimester in, and I'm losing weight. Then my Doctor finally notices and tells me about a very tiny, over the counter, pill cocktail and within that week, I wasn't throwing up much anymore, once in a blue moon, but I'll take it! What my primary Doctor and I came to learn was that my body doesn't do so well with hormone changes, and by "do so well" I mean tends to freak out to the Nth degree. It's a good thing to be self-aware of, trust me!

Now let's fast forward to last year, because up until last year, my periods were awesome (all things considered). Mood swings of PMS, sure without a doubt, but cramps weren't even a thing and each month everything was done and over with in 4-5 days. Holy shit having a baby worked for my insides like I never knew would be possible! But as promised by my Doctor, they did, without a doubt very slowly start to come back as of last year. 

I started this blog tonight because it's night one of what feels like a rusty, jagged, covered in evil demon, shredding my insides. While the vomiting, thankfully, has yet to return to the playing field, my Doctor is kind enough to prescribe me on the regular both 800 mg Ibuprofen and Vicodin. The cramps are, each month, getting worse and I know it's only a matter of time before even this concoction won't work anymore. So what am I left to do? What am I left to do at 33, when I can't really have anymore kids due to suspected fertility issues, too young to have a hysterectomy besides being refused as a voluntary thing - what do I do with my pain, and my tears, and my frustration?!? Tonight before the Ibuprofen and Vicodin kicked in, I couldn't even get up to go to the bathroom to pee the pain was so crippling; I honestly as a grown ass adult, wondered how long I could withhold peeing just so I wouldn't have to move. I'm now at a tolerable level of pain from cramps but my lower back feels like someone beat me with a crowbar, soon my "drugs" will wear off and for the next several hours, into tomorrow, it will be a steady balance of keeping the pain at bay until come Sunday, everything will be completely done and over with. And then next month, we'll start all over again. 

No one else in my family has anything close to what I deal with, at least not that I know of because no one has spoken about it. My biggest fear is now my daughter, what if she gets them like this too, how will I be able to care for her when after all this time, I'm still figuring out how to battle it myself, what will I do with the overwhelming guilt that I did that to her, I passed that on to her... there is an endless list of thoughts that install the highest levels of anxiety in me because the future of her puberty is still left in the unknown. I did recently see somewhere on Facebook that, of all people, Whoopi Goldberg and a friend have come up with pot infused cramp relief items. Things like bath soaks, lotions; those types of things where it isn't at all just smoking to get high. Now, I've been pot free since I got pregnant and maybe it would be a solution, but there is no way in hell I'm risking that with the way my ex stalks my life looking for reasons to destroy me. I am however highly curious as some people tried the products on camera, and they seemed to really help. These produces too of course, are only available in California (I believe), so there's also another reason why I'll never get to know if they'll help me find a better solution to cope with the hand I've been dealt. 

I am just frustrated by and suffocating under the pain as I try to keep quiet and just deal with it, alone.

Over the Love and In the Rainbow

It's been years since my heart kind of just went completely dark. It's been on a slow swing back into the light but I know it's still got such a long way to go. The only problem is, this week has been a week of I just don't care which way the pendulum swings anymore when it comes to love and affection in my life. When I'm not focused on the whole having a mate mentality and I am simply focused on enjoying my life, every single day is fantastic for me. People call or text asking how I am and my answer is always "fantastic", and it's weird for them. I don't blame them at all, I was messed up for way too many years, but I am so incredibly thankful that I've leveled out with age and I've found my center of gravity. However lately, I've been screwing around with that flimsy having a mate mentality and just as the story goes, it's completely burning my ass just like every other time.

Within the last couple of weeks I decided that okay, let's get back out there and date some. I've been trying some online dating, and pursuing people that I have a lot in common with.  Listen dating is about keeping your options open, but trust that when I find one whom I can trust, I'm all in. Let me just tell you that you would think, after 17 or so years of this bullshit, I'd learn to stop trying to add more to my mix and just love being fantastic the way I am - but no. I tend to get off track of being who I am and loving the life I'm building and go chasing after a dating life that is nothing but a fail. 

Focusing on my success and raising my daughter to be an amazing human being as she grows is really the things that make my days fantastic. Having someone there would be nice, but it's just too complicated for me to accomplish because I just honestly feel like men are just incapable of telling the truth. For the amount of times that I am lied to by the opposite sex is actually quite astonishing and frankly, as my 30's roll on, I am sick and tired of it. I am sick of people finding the opening statement of "you're gorgeous how are you single" as a foundation of what should make a relationship for me. My looks have never been my focal point; yes, I do take pride in being presentable, however I need you to look deeper than that. I am single because there is just too much bullshit to dating these days, I absolutely will not tolerate games or red flags, there is no room in my life for someone else to have inadequacies, and as one friend likes to put it to me, I'm just not soft enough. I don't find shirtless pictures or dick pictures attractive, however if you want to talk to me about Engineering or Computer Programing, trust me that I will be weak in the knees. There is also not to mention, that men these days, just don't hold up to the type of men I wish I was around back in the 50's; true gentlemen - stood when a woman came to the table, carried a handkerchief for crying ladies, and who were presentable in public. Trust me, I am not meant for this world. 

This weekend alone I was stalked by someone who was pretty much a complete fabrication, all the way down to the name he gave me which turned up zero Google searches. No one is exempt from Google. Then for another to completely blow off a date with me, lie to me about it, and then take a passive aggressive approach publicly, makes me realize that I want to be over the love and just live in my rainbow. My life without dating is absolutely fantastic! I love it so I don't know why I complicate it by attempting to date. It's hard at points, sure, like dressing up to go out or wanting to go have fun with someone, but I also know that I am enjoying my life with it just being me. I'm also learning that men who spend time tearing down and bashing women, are actually the problem themselves. If you pay close attention, you'll see this too. 

So I need to get back to my true focus and that is my life. I've come too far and I am too focused to have any of that derailed by hurt feelings, lies, and inadequate distractions. Be prepared for an onslaught of information pushed from my work life.