Sorry, I'm at capacity for friendships

I was having a relationship conversation with my cousin today when he said something that I know I've heard before, it's just as I get older it seems more questionable. He said that if he was dating or talking to a girl and she decided that she just wanted to be friends with him, he would tell her no thanks because he has enough friends. I then started to quickly inventory the guys I've said this to and wondered how much of a jerk they thought I was. Even though I really do want to be friends with them. Can you really be at the capacity for friendships?

As my mother would say, I've dated more men then she can count. (Yeah, thanks "mother") Which is true because I don't usually stick around for garbage behavior, I won't allow anyone to cheat on me, and I also will not chase after love that just isn't there. With that being said, at 32, I know exactly what I want, don't want, will accept as quirks, and what I just won't compromise on. I will not date someone who isn't a Christian, who I can't go to church with, talk about God with, grow spiritually with, or have any type of religious conversation with. I won't do it. So when I meet a great guy, my first thought is 'Is this someone I can be friends with?' and then I wonder if there's chemistry. I recently went on several dates with a guy and spent some real time with him; we get along really well and find humor in pretty much most similar things, I started to notice a slight breakdown in communication. But the one occasion that stuck out was a conversation we had about religion, I was telling him about some things that were going on and I was hurt by jokes that were being made at the expense of religion itself. It was one of those disappointing hurts because you had hoped for something different. For being a little sensitive about passions he had, I felt like mine were being mocked.

So I tried to very kindly to say that I really enjoyed time with him but I felt like we might be better off friends. After a few days, we revisited the reasons why. I am not dishonest in who I am or how I feel. We still talk, I still want to hang out, but I date to marry and I can't date nor marry someone who doesn't share my beliefs. So then after my cousin's comments, I wondered, do men view the friendship card differently than women? Can anyone really be at the capacity for friendships or are we just too lazy to cultivate new ones? I, personally, couldn't have too many friends. In fact I don't have enough in life. Each person I know, I can find at least one positive thing about them that they bring to my life. I think that if the guys I've chosen to be friends with decided not to be, I would be disappointed because they are great guys, but it's their decision and I know that they would miss out on at least the one great thing I could bring to their lives.

Be friends people. Be friends, especially to your spouses and save the money on divorces or Ashley Madison accounts. To WANT to come home to someone who you can talk to and share your day with is amazing. I've had glimmers of it, and frankly some of you take each other for grated. Life isn't all glitter dust when you're single in your 30's. Let me tell you about the cheating ex I gave a second chance to, only to find out he ghosted me.... another time. And be kind, always. Someone very close to me has been continually mean to the point they publicly humiliated me and brought me to tears.

Be kind. Be friends. Remember, our kids have to grow up in this world. Romans 12:9, my loves, Romans 12:9.

Guys, When You

• When you, ask me out and then start a serious relationship in the same week - you make me feel like garbage.
• When you, are dating but text me to flirt, sext, and/or whatever you thought might happen - you make me feel like the other woman. Trash to be exact.
• When you, are "happily married" but you tell me that if you weren't you'd marry me - you make me feel like I'm just never good enough. 
• When you, were my friend first, before your girl cheated on you, but stopped talking to me because now she's the insecure one - you make me heartbroken for the past. 
• When you, repeatedly attempt to flirt with me and I don't play along, then allow your woman to attack me like I did something - you make me feel like I never knew who you really were. 
• When you, pop up when I'm in a relationship and act like I'd actually come back to you and your lies and cheating ways - you make me annoyed.  
• When you, use me for an ego boost and then disappear for months - you make me empowered to never do it again.
• When you, have to hide your messages from your girl - you make me relieved that I wasn't the one who ended up with you.
• When you, express how unhappy you are with her because she treats you terrible - you make me shrug my shoulders because you're the one who stays.
• When you, compare her to me and express your wishes - you make me confirmed that I've made the right decisions by not settling. 

Date with the intent to marry.

Date without sacrificing your morals. 

God needs to be first in your life and your relationships or all of the above with forever be your life. But it won't be mine.

I will not date a man who does not have God as a priority. No exceptions, I just won't do it again. It doesn't end well for my soul nor my heart. 

For all the negative ways guys have made me feel thru the above experiences, I've actually put a stop to it some time ago. 95% of women are all the same. No matter how gross I look, no matter how much I prove that I don't play into their guys fantasies or desires, no matter how much I remain platonic, I will always be the blonde hair, blue eye, flashy smile, girl that makes them wonder if I really am the other woman or not. I've even been in group settings where I am just conversant with a guy because he happened to be seated next to me at an event and his woman was so threatened that she was sure to pee in a circle around him and claim her property. I feel sorry for her, for you.

I'm not your run to fantasy. I'm not your old familiar flavor. I'm not a piece of meat. I get it, I was a lot more fun when I drank, but in my sobriety I've found peace, I've found myself, I've found I am an amazing woman to be with and it is in fact you who is missing out.

Ladies, I am sorry for these are your guys. I am sorry because I've been you, I've been with that guy who dates me but does all this behind me. I am sorry but know, I am not your enemy.


My verse for this blog is Joel 2:25

Rage Against the Jean

If it has to do with Don, it has to make you say WTF.

I don't ever like to discuss him anymore because it's a waste of my time and energy, but you know there are always those jaw dropping moments that I just have to share because the ignorance behind them renders me almost speechless.



Let's start at the beginning of today.

My mind has been with my family today. We're Stuber's so you know, we're okay, we're always okay. We could be staring at death and we're fine. Just let us go home and be about our business. We're stubborn. That's all, just stubborn and tough. We're German, what else do you expect from us. So my Uncle has a heart attack this morning. It's the fourth time he's had chest pains like this except this time he threw up. So eh, probably should go get it checked out. Ahhhhhh!! I can't do this right now. My whole family is "fine" and that's all I say and that's all they say and it's not fine. None of it is fine. I'm suffocating in thoughts, thoughts of Jeremy, thoughts of how deep down my Aunt has got to be scared and his kids, and now he has a brand new grandson. I saw my Dad today, I mean I had talked to him on the phone but people hear me out, you do not even know the slightest of what someone feels or thinks over the phone, in text, or behind your computer. Get face to face. DO IT. I saw my Dad, his face said everything his words weren't. Me, I don't even want to leave my room because then someone might see in my face and eyes what my words aren't saying.

Sometimes the world just stops for a while. 

So this afternoon I get a text from Delila. Here's snip-it for you.

Now, I don't entirely blame my daughter for asking for something that cost $500, she's always gotten some pretty spot on gifts from me and I've always made an enormous deal out of her birthday. Her life will always be celebrated, but as she gets older, I'd like for her to start realizing not only the concept of money, but the situations surrounding her. Ew, have I really sheltered her too much?! So that text conversation was brief but I just heard from her again about it. 1. I have no idea what that thing even is & 2. I have been working on other things and haven't investigated it. So she asks me again for it, she asks me to use my child support for it. I asked her if she asked her dad for one and she did. He told her to spend her child support money on something she wants.

Yes. Here comes the ignorant part. Here's his blast. Here's the truth.

Last year Don made just shy of $95,000 for the year. Yeah, read that again. That's what he filed for on taxes. He then usually gets back a refund between 6-8,000 when he files taxes. 

I am the only one he pays child support to.

He brings home about $800 per week (give or take). That's if he doesn't work overtime which is time and a half, which he usually does work. 

He makes more in one week than I receive in a whole month of child support.

He recently got my child support cut in half from the increase I got in October after not asking for an increase in 6 years previous to that. 


 Now, money these days does not rule my world. In fact it's the last thing on the list of things I care about, which is frankly driving my family crazy; maybe it's time to be a gypsy. But when one parent is so far above the other financially, why in the world would you tell the child to ask for expensive gifts from the less financially off parent? I'll tell you why.

Even when I was in Accounting and making decent money, Don always did this 'one up' game with me. He would always try to buy the bigger, better gifts. At the end, my daughter knows who is buying her off and who is raising her. But Don is still out to prove to Delila that I am a "deadbeat" as he loves to call me.

All of this is fine. There's that word again, 'fine'. It really is fine because in 10 years, I've given my daughter what he hasn't. Love, support, encouragement, and memories. Buying her love only lasts for the moment he has her, after that, what's left between him and her?

Keep doing you Don, I'll keep doing me. You have zero impact on my life anymore.

A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep.

Convert to Kindness

It's becoming more and more of a frequent event that my Christianity is being called into question. It's mostly by people I know which further perplexes me and my relationships with them. In a previous blog I hit on the mark that over and over again I keep getting asked if something terrible happened to me that made me choose God, which is not the case. Yet it seems to go even further than that. 

I was born, raised, baptized, and holy communion'd my way in the Catholic Church. I went to 10 years of schooling via Catholicism. Somewhere towards the end of my elementary years my mother decided to convert to Presbyterian. What is further coming in this blog are my experiences throughout my life that has lead me to be a Christian. 

Catholicism has some very specific rules. Actual rules, like a country club (a very twisted country club), that if you do not follow, you cannot be a part of their religion. Even further than that, if you say you will follow their rules and then defy them, that's okay too, divorce, wedlock, birth control, never really attending mass; it seems like you just have to lie your way into Catholicism. Is it really okay for an organized religion to tell you that you aren't worthy enough of their love or acceptance simply because you won't follow their rules?

When we started attending a Presbyterian church, I saw the true depth of wickedness within the Catholic religion as they threw up arms over going to a different church but still attending their private school. In the end, so long as my parents paid tuition, that's all that really mattered, not that children were still learning about Christ and his teachings. The Presbyterian church felt more welcoming to me as a child. I met some amazing, kind, full of life and love, accepting, and Christ followers in that church. I even went on to work in the office for a few years. It was also the church camp through this Presbyterian church that actually saved my life when no one else was there. But alas, as that church started to change, I found myself drifting away. But compare the two experiences in my life, the people and events I experienced through the Presbyterian church were much kinder and loving than all those years as a Catholic. 

I now, very happily, attend Christ Community Church. Our Pastor, Jim Nicodem, is one of the best Pastors I've ever had the pleasure of listening to. He's very forward, honest, kind, and direct in his teachings. We at CCC are accepting, loving, faithful followers of Christ and his teachings. Our church isn't about shutting people out, or forcing people to lie to the church. We ask that you love and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior into your life and your heart, and that you follow the teachings of the Bible. It's pretty simple; be kind, love, accept, and forgive. 

When people come to me and are very devoted to Catholicism, I look at them. Who they are at their core, and what exactly their life has entailed and where their life is going. And usually I'm dumbfounded by things that further come out of their mouths. I am always inviting people to church with me, because it's a place I find happiness, peace, and joy, and my heart desires to share that with people. But when people come to me and say they don't want to "convert", I'm always digging to find out what exactly they think they would have to convert to. 

Re read the definition of a Christian. 

There was never anything that I asked anyone to convert to. Going to a non denominational church with a Christian isn't converting to anything. It's simply going to church to praise and worship God. However, have you noticed that in order to marry or baptize in a Catholic or Presbyterian church, you have to actually convert to their religion?! 

So next time you step on my love for the Lord, think about how I'm kind to even the most wicked in my life, how I forgive the betrayal and the wicked tongues of others, how I give when I know I can't, how I love endlessly, and how I've worked tirelessly and continue to, to repent my sins for the Lord's forgiveness. Before you put all your eggs into one basket, reflect on what you're really standing up for, because at the end of the day, it may be some distasteful things. And remember, never push away people who love you, because love is a precious thing that when given is a true gift to our lives. 

Let me leave you with this. 

The Friday Flip

Oh, you killed 4 of our Marines on U.S. soil?

Stand there for a just a second while I put a bullet in your head.

No, literally, kill him; there's no need for a trial or a jury or a waste of anyone's time and money. Just kill him. While you're at it, line up the rest of the garbage in the prisons and have a firing squad all day. I have and always will believe in capital punishment. Especially for those that think they can just kill people, plead insanity, and then suck money out of the pockets of the American people while they just live out their lives in prison. The guy who shot up the Aurora, CO theater, kill him too. He first very much admitted to doing it, then he wants to plead insanity. No sir, it doesn't work like that. You're an A-hole and you killed people for no reason other than you're an A-hole, you should die. What good could you possibly bring into the world at any point in the future?

Would you like Vodka with your Holy Water?

90 days ago I decided to give up drinking permanently. I also chose to stop being so shy about my relationship with God and really focus my attention on Him, his plan, and his path. I tried for over a year to "cut down" and quit drinking but frankly, my mind is usually an all or nothing kind of space. My life or my thoughts have been presently in a spot of questioning my sobriety and thinking about what a sip would taste like after all this time but so far, I've got my third chip. My next chip isn't till October so these next few months should be interesting, aka challenging. (I can add anyone as an accountability partner via your email address if you'd like to, you know, be there for me.)

Being an alcoholic is in my blood, so is being an addict, but just because it's there, doesn't mean that I have to feed it. Would you feed a skunk just because it kept coming up to your back door? I was in a two year relationship with an alcoholic when my brother died and I was friends with and surrounded by people who drank all the time, so drinking was fun, easy, and yeah I enjoyed it and it was never something I thought I needed to walk away from. After Jeremy died, it was no longer something I just did socially. I would sit at home most nights, alone with all the lights off except a dim one, and just sit and drink by myself. Scotch mostly. During the day it was always casual beer drinking but behind the curtain, there was more. I'll never be able to adequately put into words what losing Jeremy did to me. When the only person you connected to, loved, trusted, were protected by, understood, and lived for is gone, so are you. Over two years later, and there are still things I have to do or places I go that I despise because he's not there. No one protects me anymore which has led me to be pretty freaking stone like, and there's no one I can call to help me do things that will always be there. So when his one year death anniversary came around on 2/13/14 things were rough. For a year I couldn't sleep through the night because I feared I would die in my sleep (I still have trouble sleeping), my relationship ended a week before the death-iversary and he informed me that he wanted to take a new girl he was interested in out for Valentine's Day to OUR reservations, and my closest friend wasn't speaking to me due to a guy she was dating. Oh and did I also mention my birthday happens to be 2/21 in the mix of everything. Every February 13th I try my best to just live in the happy memories I got to build with him, as I do for his birthday and the day I finally put his ashes to rest, but the 14th are always days I feel like I'll never make it through.

So I put my foot down and decided to quit, cold turkey, same as I did with cigarettes in 2009. Suck it up buttercup, no time to be weak. I wasn't going to let my life or my pain be corrupted by a crutch that was ultimately bringing negativity into my life. And in 90 days I've learned some things, a few new things about myself but a lot about everyone else. I do think for all that I've learned, the number one thing that tops my list of frustration is when someone knows that I'm a Christian on top of not drinking, their first question is "Did some life altering event happen that made you choose God?" Let me break down a few things;

• I was born and raised in the church. I know who God is, I've always known who God is, and I always will. My faith is the most important thing to me. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for God and the relationship I have with him. 
• I am not in group meetings nor am I in AA, I never said I was. I use an app on my phone that gives me chips. If I can't hold myself accountable than I don't know how anyone else could. 
• If you're uncomfortable drinking in front of me, than you need to do some soul searching. If it's a problem for me, then I know how to excuse myself or speak up. 
• Please, for all that is good and holy, do not try to justify your drinking to me or try to downsize how much you actually do it. Have you forgotten that we're friends? I know you. 
• Also, please don't go on and on about how you know you need to cut down or stop, talk is cheap. Actually it's the cheapest thing around. If you want to stop, do it. If you want my support, I'll be there. But I don't need the fake commentary about wishful thinking or what you think will make me feel more comfortable around you. 
• If you can extend an invite for me to come to the bars, then I can extend an invite for you to come to church. We're friends, it's our differences that give us things to talk about. You're never obligated to accept my invitation, but that doesn't mean I'll stop asking. Plus I tell you no to your bar hopping. xxoo!
• I love you even if you're an Atheist. However, do not think for one second that it is okay to disrespect me for being a Christian. 
• Yes, I do think about drinking, almost all the time, so when you are obnoxious with it in my face or just drunk, it frustrates me because it's tempting me. 
• Don't say you could never do what I do, because you could. I know you could, and if you felt like you couldn't, at least you would have me in your corner to support you. 

Disclaimer: This was a little, or a lot, scatter brained so I apologize. I know there are more thoughts on the subject of being a Christian and choosing not to drink these are just the ones I could format. Hopefully soon I can find a quiet place in the country to sit and blog instead of doing these in pieces. #singlemomstatus 

For the love of money!

If it really came down to it, between Love and Money, which would be more important to you? I know love may seem like a good default answer, but would you leave your job even if it paid 250,000 a year to pursue love? Think about that for a minute.

I posted this to Facebook which then in turn influenced a good friend of mine to post the same question to her wall for her blog. It's very interesting to see the responses, but it's more interesting in how each of us not only posed the question but also how we viewed the hypothetical situation surrounding it. I am a rather emotional person but not without a good amount of logic, the thing is that I've been on both paths, I've been down the six figure road and I've been in love. I would always and will always choose love, because for me, that makes me happy, that is what I like waking up to every morning. However, by choosing love, I am not choosing to be poor. Step one is erasing your debt and finding better alternatives than relying on cash. This whole thought also comes off the heels that I started to get back into online dating (and I'm out of it already) but if you notice, outside of the people on there trolling for sex, are all the people who work so much that they don't have time to go out and meet people. I have also noticed that as people choose money, the situations for them are that they are single or they're in relationships that I know I wouldn't personally choose to stay in for longer than five minutes.

I don't like that there's the notion that if you choose love you're also choosing to be poor. On my quest for opinions I wanted to see if anyone would choose love and follow it up with the thoughts that they would also change their lives in order to obtain it. Downsize, solar energy, growing food, whatever anyone would want to choose to not allow money to rule their world. My original discussion also came about because of many guy friends in my life that work endlessly, buy toys, and basically let money rule, yet they are so incredibly lonely and they want a girl. They post about finding girls or failing to find someone, but they won't take even the slightest step away from money. 

At the end of the day, when you're literally taking your last breath, will your memories be of love or working so you could obtain money?