May the Poor be Creative, and the Rich be Humble

Around the water cooler there is talk about how shallow women are that they only want a man who is well established. "She won't even look at someone who isn't making bank, driving a new car, and owns his own place." Women are gold diggers, only looking for someone to save them, always looking for someone to fix them, there aren't any good women left; and so on. Then I see women who show interest in men who are not necessarily these things. I see women who know where a man is in his life, they see his struggles, they understand that romance isn't and won't be $200 dinners; yet these women are rejected.

There never is a short on confusion when it comes to trying to figure out the opposite sex. I wonder if a lot of this has to do with the whole idea that both sexes have fallen out of sync with each other, and the roles they play in order to balance out each other. Go back with me to about the 1950's; women knew their roles, and men knew theirs. A woman was to stay home, take care of the home, her children, and her husband. To be presentable herself, to have the home presentable, and have dinner ready for when her husband returned was what she was to do. Men, they went to work, they took care of the bills, they took care of their families, they used their own hands to fix things, and they protected. It was a very careful balance and I know it didn't always work, but it also worked very well a lot of the time. And then the Miss Independents started to evolve. 

I am not in any way against a woman being independent of a man, I myself have been fully functioning without a man for the majority of my life. I do however, know that secretly hidden in my core is that woman from the 1950's if only those same men still existed. Regardless, for the longest time women pushed men away, they wanted to prove not only to themselves but to everyone that they in fact could and would do it on their own. So many women succeeded at this, and so many continue to do so. It's an important lesson to teach our daughters as we never know what path in life they will take. What I don't like seeing though is how hypocritical men can be towards women as a whole.

On a intimate level, I know that I've turned men off and away by being too independent. I hate asking for help even when I know I need it. I will very reluctantly accept it when it comes my way. I simply am use to doing it on my own that I don't want anyone to tell me that I can't. I also know that when it comes to getting to know a guy, I am one very accepting woman of what he may and may not have to offer. Life isn't always easy, for some the chips happen to fall pretty perfectly into place, and for others, the fight. They fight to survive from the beginning to the very end of their lives. Life is fickle like that.

I have learned, and what I would like for others who haven't made it to this point yet to learn, is that to find love, you cannot be so narrow minded. You can't live inside a box in your mind and expect someone to fit perfectly into it. We will never be a perfect society, we will only be perfect in love. I have dated and loved in the six figures and I have dated and loved in the minimum wage. Money does not create love nor does it solidify it. How we treat each other, how we accept each other, and how we build up each other, is how we will succeed in finding love, creating love, and solidify love. And not just with each other, but also for ourselves. Look beyond your blinders of perfect bodies, beyond your blinders of large bank accounts, look beyond the barriers that are holding you back from finding a good woman; or a good man for what it's worth. You don't have to throw out all the things you'd like to find in a partner but be willing to see a pearl that may still be hiding in an oyster.

Being a Ruby among Coals

Before the year started I had a conversation with a good friend about dating. We were discussing how it would be really nice for me to enter into a relationship this year after being single all of 2015, and having made some really good changes for myself. Like most people who are single at the beginning of any new year, I've been pondering the thought of trying online dating again. However, I know exactly what's there to offer and thanks, but no thanks. Plus it's not like I don't have guys that I'm interested in, there's just some things in the way.

Today my mom asked me if I've tried online dating. Yes, I have mom. Remember the guy I was dating for a couple years who wanted me to move in with him, except he was buying VS items and jewelry for another woman at the same time. Or the guy who told me he was a skin head after the second date. Or the guy who called me prude because I wouldn't make out with him, in public, in front of kids, on the first date. And most importantly, don't forget about all the guys in between who I've chatted with (or haven't wanted to chat with), who only end up ghosting me before and sometimes after all is said and done. 

I find it very hard to take any guy seriously who only texts me between the hours of 11 pm and 4 am, only to see if I'm up for, well you know. I don't want to get into any solid relationship with someone who doesn't have any values outside of the midnight drinking scene.

Not everyone is married. Not everyone has children or multiple of them. Not everyone looks forward to when they can party next. There are some of us out there who are in their 30's, with priorities, who know what they're looking for, and more importantly, what we aren't looking for.

Society is too focused on sex, money, status, and what someone does for a living that we're missing out on the people who are honest, loyal, and willing to give a commitment. We've thrown our values in the garbage so that we can live recklessly. I can't focus on the money you earn, the car you drive, or the newest gadget you just had to have, if you're a complete jerk to a stranger on the street. If you can't have compassion and compromise, if you can't stay faithful; you're material possessions just won't impress me.

Now, if you're a romantic, that will impress me and melt me. If you value a woman's worth, if you carry good and traditional values, if you're faithful, all of those will impress me till the end.

Hello, my name is Single

I am not your Netflix and chill girl. I hate the fact that that has become the term for hooking up. Some of us, legitimately just want to hang out and watch some random stuff. Honestly, if I'm going to Netflix and chill, it's going to be by myself, where I can unwind and watch whatever I want to watch uninterrupted.

I am not the girl that you can call in the middle of the night. I'm not the girl that will be your secret, and I'm certainly not the girl you can love while you date someone else. My value is worth more than that. I don't want to be mocked for the things I enjoy, the compassion I have for my friends, or shamed for how easily pleasure comes to me and how often I want it to.

I am the girl that wants to be asked out, the girl that wants you to be able to make a decision, tell me when to be ready, and be able to take control of a situation. I am the girl that will meet you for brunch, instead of the bar or club only after the veil of darkness has fallen. I am the girl that enjoys flea markets, going to church, road trips, trying new foods, places, and experiences that I'm able to share with other people. I'm the girl who likes to cook and give thoughtful gifts, the girl who likes to dance in the kitchen and plan out new adventures to try, and the girl who wants to laugh about me jumping out of a plane although we still never know if I'll ever actually do it. I'm the girl that wants to see the things you enjoy and learn to maybe enjoy them with you. I want someone who can take me outside of my comfort zone, and I do the same for them. 

I am also the girl that has goals, that is focused on making sure that I raise a child that succeeds in life, and the girl that will not be stuck in one place for the rest of her life. I'm the girl who has experienced relationships to their fullest to know that the value of a good partnership is incredibly important, and that each person has to work to make sure their partner is happy. I'm the girl that can raise children, have a career or stay home, cook and clean while I'm building furniture. I've been solo long enough to know how to survive and thrive on my own, but also I know that when that right one comes along, he'll be cherished with classic values, the way our grandparents and their parents lived by.

I'm the girl that wants to be free to get tattooed but see the strength of someone who can carry me over the puddles of life. My heart's still not whole from losing my brother, but every last piece pours out more love than you could ever know. I work hard to be good to myself so that I'm better for those around me.

Toto, we're not in Accounting anymore

I'm having a really hard time at work lately and it seems like it only continues to get harder. While I have a very tough exterior, internally it's making me question everything about myself.

When I started there, things were really good, the longer I'm there, the more it pushes me to abandon my sobriety on a very serious level. Besides all of the completely unfair things that I see and hear about that go on, and how I wonder multiple times a day how many there still even have a job, it's my personal encounters that are really bothering me.

Just before the Thanksgiving break there were only a select few of us in the office and the department that I head up, so as a gift, I bought 6 people small bottles of Patron. It was always my absolute favorite, so I wanted to share since I couldn't or wouldn't enjoy it. I wanted to show and told them of my appreciation for them. Everyone seemed very appreciative.

After we returned from the break, one guy in said department was acting very differently towards me. Was just giving me a whole lot of attitude and just kind of being a jerk. I let it go continually but it just kept getting worse. As of recently he has decided to quit and move out of state, but not without a few parting words. At the nudge of someone else, who frankly is much more than just a drama starter, he's more of the grand master of all shit storms, there was a "talk it out" between me and this kid with the attitude. And by talk it out, I mean he pretty much just laid into me with much exaggeration to the real events. When I asked him what the real problem was and said we left for Thanksgiving, he hugged me for the Patron and things were good, his response was "well yeah I just thought about it and it all bothered me". His problem mostly is that I keep writing him up, except what he fails to understand is that when he messes up, the President and the owner of the company tell me to write him up; or anyone else for that matter that screws up. I cannot not do my job to spare someone's feelings. He blamed me for him not getting raises, except he wasn't getting raises because he punches in late nearly every single day. It was a very long, him invading my personal space too much, finger pointing, lack of self acceptance, ass chewing -- on my lunch break -- ugh.

So fine. We hashed it out, we hugged it out, and while I told him I've never gone out of my way to try to be rude to him nor did I every truly intend to piss him off (about 30 times in 10 minutes), it's all said and done with. However, how very typical of a guy, especially a guy in his early 20's. One minute things are good, you're laughing and joking, hug and spend some time away. And when you regroup, all the sudden they've decided they can't stand you. Frankly, I'm over it.

Then there was yesterday. I was leaving the Art Department when one of the guys from the warehouse, I think he's a Manager but I'm not sure of what, motions me back into the Art Department and closes the door. I thought he wanted to talk about a larger run of backpacks with me and art, because earlier in the day he was at my desk talking about it. Oh man! Was I sorely mistaken.

He starts out by telling me that the comment he made earlier up front wasn't meant to hurt my feelings and he felt really bad about it. I look at the girl in the Art Department completely confused, and asked him what comment. His foot was in his mouth. He filled me in about the comment, that I didn't even hear in the first place and backed it up with how pissed off he's been at me and not speaking to me for the last two months. Also, news to me; that just pissed him off more. At that very moment, I knew I was in a no win situation.

 I had zero idea that this guy was being rude to me, ignoring me, and not just pissed off with me but enraged with me. What the hell is wrong with me that I don't even notice this about people?!? I mean, I know that currently in my personal life, it's a very narrow frame of mind I'm existing in and emotionally there's not just a lot going on, but there's a lot I'm trying to suppress, but holy dang!

Here's the thing that you have to understand, until lately I was always so completely busy in my position that on a normal day, taking a bathroom break was just about impossible to do. Guys come in and out of the front office from the warehouse all the time. If it's not related to screen printing, they don't talk to me; one of us tries to mainly handle core products and I mainly try to handle screen printing as far as customer service. So for me to notice that someone isn't talking to me, it would literally have to be one of my guys in screen printing.

So this guy goes on and on about how I accused him of stealing and got him into to a huge fight with the President. **Disclaimer, in October we were running a job for a customer with the Bears logo and mascot, I was assisting in production because the job was so large. Towards the end, I saw several extra shirts sitting off to the side. When I asked one of the guys (guy number one from above) if we needed to box and ship, he informed me they were for some of the guys in the warehouse. They took some of our in house blank stock shirts and threw them in the run with this Bears order. And furthermore gave me a list of who was all getting shirts, of which guy number two from this blog was on that list.

Now I was fairly new to the company still and I really didn't want to make any bad blood, however, the President had handed that department off to me to head up and before I said anything to him I talked to the girl in the Art Department, whom of which is the President's wife. I trust her and I didn't know what to do. After a lot of discussion, I had to inform the President of what I knew or had heard. He said, before it becomes an issue, he just wants to see what the Managers know.

That's all I ever heard of that. No one ever said anything after that to me about it. What I didn't know is that the President didn't ask but accused them and this guy took it like he had a yeast infection. As he's explaining why he isn't speaking to me, I explain to him that his name was given to me by someone in that department and I didn't accuse anyone, however what had happened was against company policy. Geez, I'm a nark. Whatever, there's so much more to this too as to why it was a huge issue for the guys to be doing this.

So he says his peace (most of which he was lying to my face about), and I say mine and also apologize. He says he's been trying as of late to talk to me more but wants me to know he isn't speaking to me. I said okay and he leaves. Only to open the door right back up, call me a bitch, and then leave again.

Now today, he's going out of his way to be completely rude to me. He's saying things openly in front of people and being a jerk just because I didn't notice for two months that he was ignoring me. I'm so confused, are you trying to talk to me again, are you ignoring me, or are you trying to truly hurt my feelings? Because today, the latter was very true.

Whether they're in their 20's or they're grown and in their 40's, they're the same. For the last several years, I've been trying to figure out when guys became so incredibly sensitive. You have a job, if you come to work, do your job and don't screw up, then there are no problems. I come to work, I do my job, I deal with all sorts of customers some of which are so rude I could walk out. I deal with production guys who have attitudes, women in the office who get mad when I ask them to do their job.... let me tell you what I don't get. I don't get told by my boss that I'm not doing my job, I don't get written up for screwing up, I don't get grouped into situations that may potentially get me into trouble.

I don't care what your gender is but grow up. We are adults, at our jobs. Do that. Do your job, stop acting like you're in high school. The workplace isn't a popularity contest, it's a place that you should contribute to the growth of so that in turn, your paycheck grows. I pull out all my work ethic to make sure that the department that I was asked to take over, succeeds, does well, and is profitable. That's my job.

Now back to my regularly scheduled program, of suppression and narrow frame of mind.

Bah

There are no Christmas wishes to come true. Why do people say, "I hope you got everything you wished for"? I'm single, in my thirties, there aren't wishes. Only hard work and buying myself my want list items. 

I really only asked for one possible gift this year. A book, a $19.99 + shipping, book. I asked for it in November if not sooner. It was the only practical thing I wanted. And by practical I mean, not asking for my brother or a good and decent man to date. 

I didn't get said book. I didn't get said book or a Merry Christmas from my daughter. Frankly my heart is sad. I try so hard to be in a merry spirit for the holiday but it flops. Yesterday at my mom's Christmas my sister ignored my daughter and didn't buy her a gift. Today at my dad's, my daughter doesn't want to go because she's sick and my nieces won't be there. Delila is going anyway because it's Christmas and she won't have her Papa forever. 

Now while I'm quite bummed about the book, because yes I can just buy it for myself which I will, it shows me that people just no longer put any real thought into gift giving. I will say though, that I adore those who thought about me today, who text me and sent their good tidings my way. 

My daughter has arrived for my Christmas with her. I hope you all enjoy your days. 

Indeed

There seems to be some great confusion about some things in life, and I'd like to take few moments to clear just a few of them up. Now, I know that several of these will come to a shock for many but it will be okay and we'll work through it together. And by the end, I hope you'll leave more comfortable with some true facts and your life won't be effected too bad from them. Let's dive right in.

This first one is a current topic and very important; Christmas doesn't sneak up on us. What?! I know, it's so incredible hard to believe that one. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in...... okay. So while I know this is a surprise to some of you I'll help you through it. Here's how you know when Christmas is coming:

• The first recorded date for Christmas was around 336 AD - AD!! It's now 2015 so for a REALLY long time it's been happening and so far, it's always been on December 25 for all of us. I can't make any promises for that date for next year though, so stay alert.
• Thanksgiving happens, and by Thanksgiving, I really mean Christmas is shoved in your face. Stores, radios, your families or friends, they all start putting it out there. Let's not forget the all faithful Black Friday that gives you that first really loud warning that Christmas is coming. It's kind of the Code Red for the holiday season. 
• And for many, it's cold. When it gets cold you can be sure Christmas is getting closer. 
• Lights
• Trees
• Music
• Christmas cards in the mail..... 

There really are some very great indications that Christmas is coming so when you tell someone you aren't ready, you can't afford to hang out "right before" Christmas, or that you can't afford to purchase absolutely ANYTHING, your reasons almost become invalid. Now let me also throw a disclaimer out there for all my Devil's Advocates, I know, eeeeeveryone has different circumstances that happen for them, and I am absolutely NO stranger to the struggle, but one must learn to plan and to live within means. Also, if you can spend money all year on recreational fun i.e. things I won't mention, you too can plan ahead for Christmas.

Okay next, one of my favorite sayings is, "I, myself, am entirely made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." I have never, and don't ever want to tell anyone nor even think that I am better than anyone else. I am the furthest thing from being perfect, that the only thing I've perfected is being flawed. So when someone says to me things like, 

you're always so right 

or 

you're better than me

 or 

oh you're so perfect

 or 

you're better than everyone else; 

all sarcastically of course, it puts the greatest look of confusion on my face. Let me reiterate, I ... am ... the-most-imperfect-person-ever! My faults are so great that people still like to gossip about things I've done wrong 15 years ago, if not more. The only person that I am better than, is the person I was yesterday. I am so incredibly confused as to why anyone in their right mind would actually think I'm better than them, or think that I think that I'm better than them. I only want to be a better me, to me and my child. 

Let's try another; your television characters to your favorite shows, aren't real. !!! Now not to be confusing, the people playing said characters are real, but whom they are portraying, that character isn't real. So when the scenario on television changes, you can't attack the REAL person in REAL life, because again, they aren't who you think they are on screen. And while we're here, the characters in your books; GASP what's a book?! If you read, those characters also aren't real, and to really throw you for a loop, the character in the book isn't the character on the screen who is played by the person who isn't either that character on screen NOR the character in the book. 

One last one; if you're gainfully employed, you were hired to do a job and said job I can bet, isn't to sit and complain about having to do your job. Complaints in the workplace are completely understandable, but in perspective, if your days are spent more on complaining and/or avoiding work than it is producing actual work via your job description, you need to go home. Right away, just leave. Also, it's work, where grown ups go to make a living; please for all that is good in the world, do not confuse the workplace for neither the playground nor high school. 

Alright, that's enough for tonight. I know this was a heavy one but I felt like some of it just needed to be cleared up, and I hope it's helped out at least some. I wanted to title this one "Did You Drop Kick Your Common Sense?" but I felt like the context was enough to not be a jerk in the title as well.

If Tomorrow Never Came

My coworkers say I seem crabby lately, which I didn't think I was. And while yes, I'm tired of dealing with grown children at work, I guess I'm also pretty crabby because I have to celebrate my brother's 36th birthday without him. Another birthday, another Christmas, another damn year without him. Saturday night I was in bed by 5 pm and it was great, until about 9 pm when things got real. My mind started to wonder about the days when I would drink. How drinking now would help with forgetting how broken my heart truly is still. I was remembering the fun I use to have while drinking and how I was invited out by so many "friends". And then as the thoughts kept evolving, I started crying.

I started crying which wasn't just tears but a full on panic attack. I cried because I know that all of those people that I hung out with and who no longer invite me because I don't drink, aren't really my friends. I started to cry because while drinking till I blacked out sounds good, if I did and sobered up, reality would still be waiting right by my bedside for me. I cried because I don't know how to get through his birthday, his anniversary, or my birthday; seriously, I don't know how to get through it. I cry now as I write this because I literally just had one contact pop out, but also because I'm pissed and sad and I miss him more than anything else I've ever known.

I saw this art below of this girl weeks ago, and for weeks, this is how I felt on the inside but more how I felt I looked to the outside world.  I see such beauty in the art but I also see the depth of it too.

Tomorrow I have to work, then I'll come home to do mom things and laundry and I'll go to bed, all alone, just me and my broken soul. Delila catches me crying at random times, when she asks me if my life would be different if Uncle Jeremy were still here, or whenever reality just creeps in on me; all of which I try to play off like it's no big deal.

Please understand, I really am grateful for my life a majority of the year, and there's times I can feel my heart beating again. So please don't let my light be dimmed by the pain I still feel. But there are also times of the year when Jeremy's presence is missed so much that it's just an all consuming feeling. I adore some of the most valuable people in my life, and I am never short on telling them so. I don't ever want anyone to feel like they weren't important to me nor that they aren't amazing.

I always wonder about what would happen if tomorrow never came for me, and while some day it will happen to each of us, while we're here we need support, encourage, and be positive lights in each others lives.

There will come a day that missing Jeremy won't hurt so bad, at least I think so. I hope there will also be a day where the depth of how great he was outweighs the event of his death. I've never had someone love and protect me as much as he did, and those are just a couple of the very long list of things I miss about him.