Bah

There are no Christmas wishes to come true. Why do people say, "I hope you got everything you wished for"? I'm single, in my thirties, there aren't wishes. Only hard work and buying myself my want list items. 

I really only asked for one possible gift this year. A book, a $19.99 + shipping, book. I asked for it in November if not sooner. It was the only practical thing I wanted. And by practical I mean, not asking for my brother or a good and decent man to date. 

I didn't get said book. I didn't get said book or a Merry Christmas from my daughter. Frankly my heart is sad. I try so hard to be in a merry spirit for the holiday but it flops. Yesterday at my mom's Christmas my sister ignored my daughter and didn't buy her a gift. Today at my dad's, my daughter doesn't want to go because she's sick and my nieces won't be there. Delila is going anyway because it's Christmas and she won't have her Papa forever. 

Now while I'm quite bummed about the book, because yes I can just buy it for myself which I will, it shows me that people just no longer put any real thought into gift giving. I will say though, that I adore those who thought about me today, who text me and sent their good tidings my way. 

My daughter has arrived for my Christmas with her. I hope you all enjoy your days. 

Indeed

There seems to be some great confusion about some things in life, and I'd like to take few moments to clear just a few of them up. Now, I know that several of these will come to a shock for many but it will be okay and we'll work through it together. And by the end, I hope you'll leave more comfortable with some true facts and your life won't be effected too bad from them. Let's dive right in.

This first one is a current topic and very important; Christmas doesn't sneak up on us. What?! I know, it's so incredible hard to believe that one. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in...... okay. So while I know this is a surprise to some of you I'll help you through it. Here's how you know when Christmas is coming:

• The first recorded date for Christmas was around 336 AD - AD!! It's now 2015 so for a REALLY long time it's been happening and so far, it's always been on December 25 for all of us. I can't make any promises for that date for next year though, so stay alert.
• Thanksgiving happens, and by Thanksgiving, I really mean Christmas is shoved in your face. Stores, radios, your families or friends, they all start putting it out there. Let's not forget the all faithful Black Friday that gives you that first really loud warning that Christmas is coming. It's kind of the Code Red for the holiday season. 
• And for many, it's cold. When it gets cold you can be sure Christmas is getting closer. 
• Lights
• Trees
• Music
• Christmas cards in the mail..... 

There really are some very great indications that Christmas is coming so when you tell someone you aren't ready, you can't afford to hang out "right before" Christmas, or that you can't afford to purchase absolutely ANYTHING, your reasons almost become invalid. Now let me also throw a disclaimer out there for all my Devil's Advocates, I know, eeeeeveryone has different circumstances that happen for them, and I am absolutely NO stranger to the struggle, but one must learn to plan and to live within means. Also, if you can spend money all year on recreational fun i.e. things I won't mention, you too can plan ahead for Christmas.

Okay next, one of my favorite sayings is, "I, myself, am entirely made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." I have never, and don't ever want to tell anyone nor even think that I am better than anyone else. I am the furthest thing from being perfect, that the only thing I've perfected is being flawed. So when someone says to me things like, 

you're always so right 

or 

you're better than me

 or 

oh you're so perfect

 or 

you're better than everyone else; 

all sarcastically of course, it puts the greatest look of confusion on my face. Let me reiterate, I ... am ... the-most-imperfect-person-ever! My faults are so great that people still like to gossip about things I've done wrong 15 years ago, if not more. The only person that I am better than, is the person I was yesterday. I am so incredibly confused as to why anyone in their right mind would actually think I'm better than them, or think that I think that I'm better than them. I only want to be a better me, to me and my child. 

Let's try another; your television characters to your favorite shows, aren't real. !!! Now not to be confusing, the people playing said characters are real, but whom they are portraying, that character isn't real. So when the scenario on television changes, you can't attack the REAL person in REAL life, because again, they aren't who you think they are on screen. And while we're here, the characters in your books; GASP what's a book?! If you read, those characters also aren't real, and to really throw you for a loop, the character in the book isn't the character on the screen who is played by the person who isn't either that character on screen NOR the character in the book. 

One last one; if you're gainfully employed, you were hired to do a job and said job I can bet, isn't to sit and complain about having to do your job. Complaints in the workplace are completely understandable, but in perspective, if your days are spent more on complaining and/or avoiding work than it is producing actual work via your job description, you need to go home. Right away, just leave. Also, it's work, where grown ups go to make a living; please for all that is good in the world, do not confuse the workplace for neither the playground nor high school. 

Alright, that's enough for tonight. I know this was a heavy one but I felt like some of it just needed to be cleared up, and I hope it's helped out at least some. I wanted to title this one "Did You Drop Kick Your Common Sense?" but I felt like the context was enough to not be a jerk in the title as well.

If Tomorrow Never Came

My coworkers say I seem crabby lately, which I didn't think I was. And while yes, I'm tired of dealing with grown children at work, I guess I'm also pretty crabby because I have to celebrate my brother's 36th birthday without him. Another birthday, another Christmas, another damn year without him. Saturday night I was in bed by 5 pm and it was great, until about 9 pm when things got real. My mind started to wonder about the days when I would drink. How drinking now would help with forgetting how broken my heart truly is still. I was remembering the fun I use to have while drinking and how I was invited out by so many "friends". And then as the thoughts kept evolving, I started crying.

I started crying which wasn't just tears but a full on panic attack. I cried because I know that all of those people that I hung out with and who no longer invite me because I don't drink, aren't really my friends. I started to cry because while drinking till I blacked out sounds good, if I did and sobered up, reality would still be waiting right by my bedside for me. I cried because I don't know how to get through his birthday, his anniversary, or my birthday; seriously, I don't know how to get through it. I cry now as I write this because I literally just had one contact pop out, but also because I'm pissed and sad and I miss him more than anything else I've ever known.

I saw this art below of this girl weeks ago, and for weeks, this is how I felt on the inside but more how I felt I looked to the outside world.  I see such beauty in the art but I also see the depth of it too.

Tomorrow I have to work, then I'll come home to do mom things and laundry and I'll go to bed, all alone, just me and my broken soul. Delila catches me crying at random times, when she asks me if my life would be different if Uncle Jeremy were still here, or whenever reality just creeps in on me; all of which I try to play off like it's no big deal.

Please understand, I really am grateful for my life a majority of the year, and there's times I can feel my heart beating again. So please don't let my light be dimmed by the pain I still feel. But there are also times of the year when Jeremy's presence is missed so much that it's just an all consuming feeling. I adore some of the most valuable people in my life, and I am never short on telling them so. I don't ever want anyone to feel like they weren't important to me nor that they aren't amazing.

I always wonder about what would happen if tomorrow never came for me, and while some day it will happen to each of us, while we're here we need support, encourage, and be positive lights in each others lives.

There will come a day that missing Jeremy won't hurt so bad, at least I think so. I hope there will also be a day where the depth of how great he was outweighs the event of his death. I've never had someone love and protect me as much as he did, and those are just a couple of the very long list of things I miss about him.

Ten Seconds to Okay

I thoroughly enjoy things in their simplest form. I developed this enjoyment after Jeremy died. Once my bottom fell out, I didn't know how to do anything. I didn't know how to do basic things, how to take care of myself anymore, nor how to take care of anyone else. I couldn't even fathom eating or breathing. So I needed to break things down, everything, into their simplest form.

It started with my name, at first just my first name, then I worked my way up. I got to my age, and my date of birth. "I am a mom. My name is Sarah, I am a mom, I am here." It took days to build this list. "My name is Sarah, I am a mom, I'm here, I'm alive." I don't think I even knew when I was able to utter the words, I am okay. That was a hard one to tell myself. However, breaking everything down into it's simplest form helped me function again, and it helped me be able to at least wrap my brain around the whole situation. Not only that but it helped me greatly to appreciate when things don't have to be and aren't complicated.

Tonight I was able to do something, which seems like it would be very simple to most, except those closest to me know I've struggled so hard with being able to do this. I was able to openly talk about Jeremy without a steady stream of tears. This is especially hard as his birthday is almost here. Things aren't complicated when you can relate to someone, on a very personal level. When you share a similar loss, a similar struggle, and a similar goal, the complications seem to be nonexistent. I still feel a flood of tears hiding behind the dam I try to keep up, which will inevitable break at some point, but for now, a small step, a simple step. Talk about my loss without losing it all.

I've had two good friends that keep checking on me to make sure I'm doing okay, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate them. Their prayers and/or genuine concern are irreplaceable. I'd love to feel safe enough to let someone see me cry, but for now, I take comfort in feeling like there's someone who could really understand it. Everyone is different, everyone processes loss differently, and everyone grieves differently; the only thing that's the same, is that we all do it one way or another. Just remember, you can do anything for ten seconds, and if you can make it through these ten seconds, you can make it through the next ten seconds.

Facepalm Official

I'm sorry that I was one of those "look at my relationship" people on Facebook all this time. In my defense, I was actually doing it in pure intentions. For those that continue to parade their relationships, here's what you don't know about them, or what their partners don't know. 

〰 He asked me out on a date one week before you two went Facebook official. 

〰 When you aren't around, he contacts me, in the most inappropriate ways. 

〰 She tells everyone the marriage is over, when clearly it's not. 

〰 When she drinks, she's single. 

〰 We were still together apparently when you two were still together. 

〰 She says pretty rotten things about you. 

〰 He begs me to be his side chick. No matter how many times I say no.

〰 She publicly shames you. 

Whether these relationships last or don't last aren't my concern. I just hate being a keeper of secrets. Though some of these instances are out in the open. Having self respect is extremely important, just as important as being aware of red flags in your relationship. 

When something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Putting God first and as your focus for the both of you will benefit you as well. And by all means, do not allow anyone to disrespect you or make you feel like you can't survive without them. You can, and you will. 

 

Dead Battery

There are so many things that I miss in my life, so many so that I'm not sure one overcomes another, other than missing Jeremy. However there is one person I miss more than I say and it seems like for all the time we had together great moments were mostly what we had. 

I miss having a safe place. I miss having so much in common. I miss having intellectual conversations. I miss our understandings. I miss being picked up when I fall to pieces. I miss nights of hot tea and great tv. I miss hugs and holds. I miss my friend in it all and so much more. 

I'm left to being strong even when I'm not. I'm left to memories that can last me my life. I can't make time undo the course it ran, I can only hope that you too hold on to all that we had.

High Speed Mixer

I am having a day or week, really it's going to be a few months, of very mixed emotions. I feel so raw that honestly, tonight I'm thinking about heading to the bar. 7 months and 19 days sober and I just want convince myself that a little bit won't hurt. Ignorance and denial at it's best.

In with the good. Today was amazing and the amount of pride that I feel for myself and Delila is insurmountable. I know, it's only a 5k, but it's something that I have wanted to do for so long but I always talked myself out of it. I've never been a runner and doing something like this actually gave me a lot of anxiety. If it weren't for my doll, April, I would have backed out of doing it. Actually I was planning on it, until she said she bought her tickets, then I knew I couldn't. Driving into the city today my anxiety started kicking in, some to do with - I always have a little anxiety going into the city which passes when I'm there, some because I always remember Jeremy's last words about the city, and some because I was going to do something completely new.

After 2 miles, Delila was wearing thin. She wanted to sit, but she pushed thru; I let her and the other girls lag a little behind and walk the rest as April and I took a little of a lead ahead of them. As I crossed the finish line, I probably could have and almost did break down and cry just in sheer pride of myself for doing something outside of my comfort zone. Little accomplishments in life are so much more rewarding for me, especially when they're accomplishments that people don't know I'm doing. Delila has already asked when we can do more because she had so much fun, which is very pleasing to hear.

Out with the bad. Jeremy's birthday is a little more than a week away and the desire to drink and drown my thoughts and pain is pretty soul consuming. I want to cry, almost all the time. I don't know how anyone has handled his death over the years but I'm very much still in the moment. It's not a reality that I've yet grown accustomed to yet, nor do I really want to. After his birthday is Christmas, then his daughter's birthday, and before you know it, his anniversary. Jeremy was a constant for me, I always knew that no matter what he would always be there. Even in questioning times, even when he floated close to the edge of death before, I still just ..... we had an agreement that he couldn't leave. He wasn't supposed to leave!!

On Tuesday, I will be at a wake for a very close friend of mine, who lost his mom last week. I will be there, and although I will probably be a complete disaster because my grief is still so consuming, if he needs me, I will be there. He was there for me during Jeremy's wake and we've been through plenty of others together. I know he'll have plenty of support, but if we don't have our constants, what are we. 

Etch a Sketch of Desire

Last time I stood in the mirror, I'm almost sure I didn't look like a revolving door. I'm also sure I didn't look like a news stand on the corner of a busy intersection. So at what point, or what year, did it become acceptable to treat people like conveniences? When did anyone learn that it's okay to be with someone, bond with someone, get deep with someone, and then just walk away; only to come back and walk away again, and continue on that routine. People aren't like an Etch-a-Sketch. You can't create the picture you want to, make it go away, and then make it come back when you want it to. Life doesn't work like that, and frankly you're a jerk if you think it does.

For years, I put myself through being a convenience for guys. I was lacking something within myself that I was so desperate for love, that I thought if I allowed that behavior that it would show that I'm flexible and therefore, lovable. I also would accept love in just about any fashion that I could get it. Which is actually very disgusting behavior; but again, it's where I came from and it's what has lead me here and now, to write for you.

I could exhume the past, all the way back to when I was very small, but this isn't therapy and doing so is not really a good resource of my time. But when someone lacks the love they should have and need to have for themselves, they search for it most of the time in the most awful of ways. It wasn't until I took a real hard look at myself and when I made the decision to clean myself up and sober up, that I finally fell in love with who I am.

I still have a few lingering past relationships that seem to still think I'll just be there when they call, but I'm not that person. I'm not that weak, and I don't have my head in the sand like I use to.

When you lead someone on, when you cross lines of having sex, when you build something and bond with someone, and then just stop; that other person doesn't just go away. Here's the thing, and I'm not here to just attack guys because ladies are just as guilty. Know what you want. If you want someone, commit to it, work through it, and stick it out even when you have doubts or get spooked. Life and relationships aren't meant to be easy, heck work, kids, pets; nothing is easy. Things take work and dedication. You can't lose weight by not working towards it, same as you can't have a partner who loves you if you're not working towards it.

I don't feel alone or unloved anymore. I'm still single and I've been single all year, which is quite an adult thing for me to do and actually may just be a first, but I've found myself. I've found how to enjoy life without making it muddy or blacking out and forgetting parts of it. I've found enjoyment in things that you wouldn't even begin to understand. Sure a part of me would enjoy having a healthy, faith filled, steady relationship, but God is still teaching me a lot of things and until he's done teaching me, I'm rocking me, just the way that I am.

Below is so much beyond my favorite, that I even tattooed verse 9 on my arm to see every day, to remind me that this is where Jesus wants me to be, and wants us to be. 

With every purchase you get a FREE soul!

Being an independent consultant for a company isn't a bad thing, I was one years ago for both Avon and Partylite. If you have sold your soul in exchange for pushing your product, we should probably talk.

Currently on my Facebook page I think I have at the minimum of 8 people who are independent consultants for various companies, and that's on the light side as I know I'm leaving some people out. I'm pretty concerned that they've all sold their souls to multiple customers. I'm kidding, but I am finding it becomes incredibly difficult to maintain friendships with independent consultants because you may want to catch up with them but somehow, they always end up selling you something or trying to get you to sell with them.

There is a very fine balance between selling your product and keeping your name out there to make money, and putting it aside to just be present with your friends. You need to know your audience, more importantly, you need to know your friends. I adore small businesses, some amazing products come from small businesses, and that's where everyone starts, so by no means am I saying don't do it or don't make a living, just calm the nut tree down a little.

Today in fact I made the jump into another friends business whom went above and beyond for me. It meant more to me than I would even be able to put into words right now because life is so busy that I hardly find time for the basics like food or bathroom breaks - seriously.  However, when a friend has a genuine passion for what they sell or when they really are committed to being a true friend and working with you, then your investment into their product is also an investment into their future because you want to see them succeed and do well.

I wish you well, I want to see you do well; just remember to cherish your friendships before your pursuit for money and success.