Today on FB - Nope!

Would you please STOP airing your dirty laundry on social media! No one wants to hear you drag your spouse or partner through the mud anymore. You are a grown ass adult, it's about time you act like it. Not to mention, may I please point out that I don't know how you could find someone to replace said person when you have the kind of character that shows no respect for someone you choose to be with, and you can't just be an adult and move on from something you're not happy with. 

 

The fact that one week everything is great, you're vacationing, moving in together, or having a baby and then the next week, you would think the person you're railing publicly, burned your house down with your dog inside. Calm down already. Stop doing this back and forth, and not just for weeks but for months on end. It's probably the most unflattering thing you could be doing in your life. 

If he beats you and then buys you jewelry, be sure that he will beat you again. 

If she cheats on you but then gives you a baby, be sure she will cheat on you again. 

I can't log onto Facebook anymore without seeing multiple relationship status updates that I would be embarrassed to post in my adult life. Now to be clear, I have absolutely done it in the past, but I will for sure not continue to do so as I grow older. I'm personally embarrassed for shaming my ex's and I would apologize till days end if they would listen, I also know that as I continued to get older and had relationships end, I won't say terrible things about some because I know that with the good comes the bad. Ultimately no one is perfect and the fact that you have so many problems that you need to air out for all your friends to see could be a result of you, not them. 

While we're here, I would also like to make a request for people to stop complaining about their children online. In this digital age, there will probably come a point where your children will see all the crap "jokes" you put out there about them, and ultimately all your complaints. You chose to bring them into the world, it's now your job to man up and be a good parent. Be the type of parent you want them to be to your grandchildren, be the caregiver that you want them to be to you when you're too old to take care of yourself, be 1,000 percent less selfish and realize that your children come first before your need for girls/guys nights, sleep, or going to the bars. 

I have tried at least a few times to either trade my child or sell her on the black market as jokes but out of frustration, and as I've said prior I've aired my dirty laundry when I shouldn't have. No one is perfect, the problem that I'm seeing though is that some people continue to age numerically but still stay the same with the mentality of a high school student. What are you doing if you're not striving to be better than you were yesterday or a year ago? Who do you want to be to the people around you? At the end of the line, how do you want to be remembered by people?

Knock it off, grow up, and share things that will draw people closer to you rather than push them away. I would delete Facebook if I could, except I have some great friends that share some great things that I wouldn't see as much of otherwise. Keep up the happy marriages, partnerships, and friendships. For the day you will die is unknown, don't let your complaining be what you leave as your legacy.

Pandicorn

I may not have gotten chocolates, flowers, or even a card for Valentine's Day of 2016 but I did get a day filled with a lot of joy; and a really big dead spider that I took a shower with. He's on my Instagram. For a day that's been so hard for three years for me, today and this weekend have been good. Delila and I have kept busy and we've enjoyed doing so while also remembering Jeremy.

Today I spent the day with Delila and her bff Caroline. After a sleepover here, we headed out into the endless snow to Chipotle and then against all better judgement, to the mall. The roads weren't great at all but I already told the girls we'd go. It was a day for Painted Penguin. Delila has been many times but this was my first time. Who knew that painting this little ceramic thing would calm me so much.  It also helps to laugh at these Snapchat obsessed girls who compliment each others personalities so well! They are my Pandicorn.

There is no greater joy for me than spending time with my daughter, with and without her friends, and watching her grow up. She's such an incredible person who I'm lucky to be a parent to. 

I am very much looking forward to the things to come this year. Hopefully the first is that I won't have to see or feel anymore cold air and snow. For those that reached out to me yesterday on Jeremy's anniversary, thank you, I love you and your kind words mean more than I could say. To know that someone is thinking about you is probably one of the greatest feelings, and it's a very humbling feeling. I hope that your weekend was a good one, and if it wasn't, I hope there was a least one shining moment that really made your heart smile. 

I adore you. 

My 1st Painted Penguin

If you Hold on for One more Day

As a parent there are those moments, when you're child shines so bright that you forget that there was any darkness ever in your life. Tonight Delila asked if she could have a sleepover this weekend with a friend. She caught me on the tail end of dozing off but while that wasn't the important part, what was is that I don't hinder my daughter's life with the pain and experiences that I carry around. I asked her if I could let her friend know tomorrow as I was tired tonight, I also said it may not be a good weekend as it's Uncle Jeremy's anniversary and it's Valentine's Day. Her response was short, "I'll tell her no." As it unfolds she says, "well mom it's Uncle Jeremy's anniversary and I don't want to have my friend over if you want to do stuff like we did last year. And I forgot it was V-day." In writing, it's a basic acknowledgment but in her voice, in her tone, and from her mouth to my ears, it was filled with comfort, compassion, and more love than any one person could hope for.

All the things in life that I want Delila to learn and understand to make her into a good and wholesome adult are already there within her. She knows how incredibly important Jeremy is to me and she knows how much I miss him even now, three years later. I can't tell you how incredibly proud she made me with that small sacrifice of not seeing a friend this weekend and instead spending it with me and celebrating her Uncle. It is by no means, a pleasant or wonderful, or lovey dovey weekend for me personally, however Delila has taught me that her love and her life are my reason to smile through the pain and tears.

Watching Grey's Anatomy is usually a tear fest anyhow, but watching it tonight hits far too close to home. I wonder if it's because for three years I've missed my cues from God and from Jeremy to be okay, to not be sad, and to find a way to heal. Watching tonight there was this scene that particularly stood out. It's very hard to forgive Jeremy for dying too soon, and to forgive myself for hating him for dying too soon. While he meant more to me than I've ever been able to put into words, I also hold a lot of anger because he left, because he's not here, and because I wanted to see more out of his life than just the 30 years I got with him.

Whomever you have, hug them, love them, cherish them, and forgive them before they're gone. Before it's too late, before the things you have said or want to say, become whispers in the wind. Jeremy knew the importance he held in my life, he knew I loved him; those things were never short on my end to him, so that makes it all that much harder to forgive.

In.so.mania

I can't sleep tonight because you're with me. You're in my heart, you're in my mind, you're in the darkness behind my closed eyes. Sleep still scares me although I do my best, what I can't control is the brokenness. 

I shouldn't have to think this hard to hear your voice. I'd give anything for one more word, one more moment, where you wouldn't let me be this broken. The days move in slow motion, each minute ticks by with every lingering memory that I keep deep inside. Every laugh we shared, every punch we threw, every fight we had, every secret we kept, and every moment we loved I always knew you were there. 

I never for once took any moment for granted. I always knew it wouldn't last forever, but I pushed it aside and always begged God to let us have you instead. 

My favorite person lost. My favorite brother gone. 3 is no longer my favorite number. I now dread February instead of making it my Christmas. A month for my broken heart, a holiday with no meaning, and another not worth celebrating. 

I can't imagine the peace you have, if you sent me even just the smallest piece of that, I'd try to not be so broken. 

I Didn't Bowl with the Super

We aren't honest with each other let alone ourselves. When someone asks how we're doing and we say we're doing well, it's simply because we don't want to burden another with our problems. The only problem with that is that sometimes, the person on the other end is genuinely concerned about how you are. They are also more than willing and wanting to hear about what is truly going on with you and how you are actually doing. Why don't we feel worthy of being able to lean on someone else? Where does our self worth come from that leads us to generic, empty, and ultimately untrue responses?

It's hard for us to welcome in new people into our lives and allow them to get close without the fear of abandonment and rejection happening in some of our most needed, and desirable times. This is generally an impact from our upbringing, from events with our families, and events throughout the years. I know I can personally say that my childhood had an incredible impact on who I am today, as well as events that happen even as often as today.

I can remember clearly being young and having mandatory family dinners. It didn't matter where you were or whom you were out playing with, you brought your butt home for dinnertime. Which in theory isn't a bad thing. Families should reserve some time during each day to come together, regroup, and get to hear about each others days. I do this with my daughter during our car rides to and from school. Since it's a bit of a travel for us currently it gives us some good time together. However, when I was young, dinnertime wasn't all that enjoyable for me. It seemed like the era of dumb blonde jokes, it was a very popular time for them, in turn it was a very unpopular time for me to be the only blonde in the entire family. My mother, who worked in the insurance industry, for a rather large insurance company, never seemed short of new ones that she heard in the office. If they weren't produced by her, there were at least 3 other people to provide them, and a total of 5 laughing at the expense of blondes everywhere. Most of my childhood I felt targeted simply for the way God made me. I had to sit there, listen to them, squirm in my seat as my 5 family members laughed, all the while in my head, I was thinking about how incredibly dumb the jokes sounded even more so since I knew people who weren't blonde doing the exact things blondes were accused of doing.

My fear of abandonment still continues today. Jeremy died, which was, to date, my most impacted abandonment ever, but it doesn't stop there; not even in your 30's. I learned this week that in 2 weeks, I'll be house-sitting for my mother while she goes out of town. The sticker shock was enough alone, until today when I asked her where she was going. I didn't realize that I was about to get an earful about how it's her husband's birthday coming up, and all the multiple ideas of gifts and getaways she had for him. I've been a mother for 11 years, I still can't comprehend putting anyone else before my child. Let alone not being around for the day I brought her into this world and into my life. It's a very hard time for all of us in my family, I know that; but to continue with the separation and the abandonment won't help any of us heal the way, not only that we need to, but want to. Beyond family, it's friends or potential suitors that too leave us high and dry. Who we care for and put ourselves out for them to love and desire, only to have them not show up for the invite. How then do we rearrange ourselves to possibly better protect ourselves, but also move on to whomever there might be there that won't make us question our value and self worth.

It's unfortunately a part of being human, but we shouldn't allow others to impact how we feel about ourselves. When we do so, it's ultimately only self destruction that we're doing, and we're allowing the devil to get into the spaces in our heads that we should be filling with music, art, knowledge, and love. I hope that this year is an even better year to learn to love yourself, beyond how others try to make you feel. I adore you, I appreciate you, and when I ask how you're doing I want to know; all the good and the bad.

Don't Photo Albumn the Past

Gone are the days when a guy would bike 10 miles a day or at the drop of a dime just to see you. 

The days are gone that flowers showed up from the garden to your door, and letters came in the mail from the one you loved in the military that's overseas. 

The days of simple romance, dances under the stars, and nights in each others arms before you have to be home, are all but a memory far off in the distance. 

 Now it's dating apps, swiping left or right, and getting excited at a new potential only to have them vanish into thin air. It's heads in screens, false and exaggerated information of who you are. 

If you're not out soliciting sex by sexting or sending pictures that could end up all over the internet some day, you're not worth the time nor the effort so it seems. 

Common interests are less desirable than who can be your quickest hookup. It's a shameful time for society, and singles.

I hope some day we get back to those days. I hope girls  and boys grow up to know that shallow men, vain women and hookups won't provide you with someone who you can count on and be with when you're past your prime and you're greatest joy is being able to have some love you when you're skin is wrinkled and your starts to lose its tightness. It won't find someone who you know loves you at 75 and won't walk away before they die.

I read an article today about a "new" dating app for those that hate dating apps. That's kind of counterproductive because you just put yourself into the hated category right away. 

I also know that I'm not the only one out there who doesn't want to find a partner through an app. I want to meet someone who can pick their face up from the screen of their phone and actually see who may be standing right in front of them. 

I can be out and see some great looking people who I bet have a lot of cool things about themselves, but they're too busy and way too consumed with their phone and what next hot piece will pay attention to them. Live your life outside of your phone. 

Remember how exciting life was before they were mobile, before our lives were always on demand, and remember what it's like to bump into someone and feel that spark of wonder of when you can see them next.

                                          I know I'm certainly looking, are you?

XIII-II-MMXIII

There's a lot to be said for a broke soul. Even more to be said for a hidden one.

I don't know if I'm lost, sad, alone, or all of the above. There are times that I am so incredibly sad that crying happens at the drop of a dime because what I hold inside consumes almost all of me. The depth of someone's grief can be measured by the way they loved. We're coming to almost three years and while 90% of a year I try to convince myself that this is now how life is, 100% of the time, I still can't figure out how to live. I think what hurts too is that most of the people I had in my life three years ago that I was close to, whom I was truly able to fall to pieces in front of, are gone; gone in love or gone in distance, either way just not here. There aren't any shoulders to catch my tears, there aren't any hugs or embraces to fall into, and there isn't anyone listening to my memories anymore. If anything I've become that person; that shut in, reserved, shell of who I once was and it's hard to explain it to anyone or ask anyone to stick around for whomever I've now become.

Since the day it all changed until today I still say the same thing, I don't know how to survive this. I'm trying to do better, I'm trying to not screw up this year as I've done for so many of the past, but some days, some weeks, I just don't know why I try, I just don't want to try. There are so many things that I didn't get to say, there are so many moments I want to redo, and there are so many memories that I hold onto.

I don't believe you know the real depth and power of love until you've loved someone at their very darkest moments. To be there when death is knocking, to be there when their soul has died, to be there to watch them travel to hell and then come back from it, that is love. All too often people abandon one another when things are too hard, too dark, and too much work. You can only abandon your fellow man so many times before you're the one that's truly alone.

As I write this I even roll my eyes at myself. I know Jeremy would hate me like this too, I can hear his words exactly, although I've lost all sound of his voice. There's just so much still inside of me that I need to heal, that I need to deal with, and that I need to accept. I've seen people, you've probably seen them too; those that go through that one defining moment in life that changes them forever. That one moment that you never really know if they'll ever come back from it. I don't know yet if I'm that person but three years later, so far I am. 

I still try to find Jeremy in small life moments. I still love him as I did from the beginning and I still mourn him all the way to today. I take a deep breath when the sunrise greets me. I am in awe when the sunset says goodnight. I try to find a purpose for each day I'm given and I am retraining myself in my thirties to live a life that I hated to see come.

My life died in my favorite month, before my favorite holiday, before my birthday of entering into my thirties; but we're almost there, we're almost at three years, and we're almost to the point where all the pressure in my head won't be pressed into that single day. So much more than my brother was lost that day, but for those that are staying with me and still by my side, thank you. It's not easy for me, but I know it isn't any easier for you either.