XIII-II-MMXIII

There's a lot to be said for a broke soul. Even more to be said for a hidden one.

I don't know if I'm lost, sad, alone, or all of the above. There are times that I am so incredibly sad that crying happens at the drop of a dime because what I hold inside consumes almost all of me. The depth of someone's grief can be measured by the way they loved. We're coming to almost three years and while 90% of a year I try to convince myself that this is now how life is, 100% of the time, I still can't figure out how to live. I think what hurts too is that most of the people I had in my life three years ago that I was close to, whom I was truly able to fall to pieces in front of, are gone; gone in love or gone in distance, either way just not here. There aren't any shoulders to catch my tears, there aren't any hugs or embraces to fall into, and there isn't anyone listening to my memories anymore. If anything I've become that person; that shut in, reserved, shell of who I once was and it's hard to explain it to anyone or ask anyone to stick around for whomever I've now become.

Since the day it all changed until today I still say the same thing, I don't know how to survive this. I'm trying to do better, I'm trying to not screw up this year as I've done for so many of the past, but some days, some weeks, I just don't know why I try, I just don't want to try. There are so many things that I didn't get to say, there are so many moments I want to redo, and there are so many memories that I hold onto.

I don't believe you know the real depth and power of love until you've loved someone at their very darkest moments. To be there when death is knocking, to be there when their soul has died, to be there to watch them travel to hell and then come back from it, that is love. All too often people abandon one another when things are too hard, too dark, and too much work. You can only abandon your fellow man so many times before you're the one that's truly alone.

As I write this I even roll my eyes at myself. I know Jeremy would hate me like this too, I can hear his words exactly, although I've lost all sound of his voice. There's just so much still inside of me that I need to heal, that I need to deal with, and that I need to accept. I've seen people, you've probably seen them too; those that go through that one defining moment in life that changes them forever. That one moment that you never really know if they'll ever come back from it. I don't know yet if I'm that person but three years later, so far I am. 

I still try to find Jeremy in small life moments. I still love him as I did from the beginning and I still mourn him all the way to today. I take a deep breath when the sunrise greets me. I am in awe when the sunset says goodnight. I try to find a purpose for each day I'm given and I am retraining myself in my thirties to live a life that I hated to see come.

My life died in my favorite month, before my favorite holiday, before my birthday of entering into my thirties; but we're almost there, we're almost at three years, and we're almost to the point where all the pressure in my head won't be pressed into that single day. So much more than my brother was lost that day, but for those that are staying with me and still by my side, thank you. It's not easy for me, but I know it isn't any easier for you either.