It's hard for us to welcome in new people into our lives and allow them to get close without the fear of abandonment and rejection happening in some of our most needed, and desirable times. This is generally an impact from our upbringing, from events with our families, and events throughout the years. I know I can personally say that my childhood had an incredible impact on who I am today, as well as events that happen even as often as today.
I can remember clearly being young and having mandatory family dinners. It didn't matter where you were or whom you were out playing with, you brought your butt home for dinnertime. Which in theory isn't a bad thing. Families should reserve some time during each day to come together, regroup, and get to hear about each others days. I do this with my daughter during our car rides to and from school. Since it's a bit of a travel for us currently it gives us some good time together. However, when I was young, dinnertime wasn't all that enjoyable for me. It seemed like the era of dumb blonde jokes, it was a very popular time for them, in turn it was a very unpopular time for me to be the only blonde in the entire family. My mother, who worked in the insurance industry, for a rather large insurance company, never seemed short of new ones that she heard in the office. If they weren't produced by her, there were at least 3 other people to provide them, and a total of 5 laughing at the expense of blondes everywhere. Most of my childhood I felt targeted simply for the way God made me. I had to sit there, listen to them, squirm in my seat as my 5 family members laughed, all the while in my head, I was thinking about how incredibly dumb the jokes sounded even more so since I knew people who weren't blonde doing the exact things blondes were accused of doing.
My fear of abandonment still continues today. Jeremy died, which was, to date, my most impacted abandonment ever, but it doesn't stop there; not even in your 30's. I learned this week that in 2 weeks, I'll be house-sitting for my mother while she goes out of town. The sticker shock was enough alone, until today when I asked her where she was going. I didn't realize that I was about to get an earful about how it's her husband's birthday coming up, and all the multiple ideas of gifts and getaways she had for him. I've been a mother for 11 years, I still can't comprehend putting anyone else before my child. Let alone not being around for the day I brought her into this world and into my life. It's a very hard time for all of us in my family, I know that; but to continue with the separation and the abandonment won't help any of us heal the way, not only that we need to, but want to. Beyond family, it's friends or potential suitors that too leave us high and dry. Who we care for and put ourselves out for them to love and desire, only to have them not show up for the invite. How then do we rearrange ourselves to possibly better protect ourselves, but also move on to whomever there might be there that won't make us question our value and self worth.
It's unfortunately a part of being human, but we shouldn't allow others to impact how we feel about ourselves. When we do so, it's ultimately only self destruction that we're doing, and we're allowing the devil to get into the spaces in our heads that we should be filling with music, art, knowledge, and love. I hope that this year is an even better year to learn to love yourself, beyond how others try to make you feel. I adore you, I appreciate you, and when I ask how you're doing I want to know; all the good and the bad.
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