If you Hold on for One more Day

As a parent there are those moments, when you're child shines so bright that you forget that there was any darkness ever in your life. Tonight Delila asked if she could have a sleepover this weekend with a friend. She caught me on the tail end of dozing off but while that wasn't the important part, what was is that I don't hinder my daughter's life with the pain and experiences that I carry around. I asked her if I could let her friend know tomorrow as I was tired tonight, I also said it may not be a good weekend as it's Uncle Jeremy's anniversary and it's Valentine's Day. Her response was short, "I'll tell her no." As it unfolds she says, "well mom it's Uncle Jeremy's anniversary and I don't want to have my friend over if you want to do stuff like we did last year. And I forgot it was V-day." In writing, it's a basic acknowledgment but in her voice, in her tone, and from her mouth to my ears, it was filled with comfort, compassion, and more love than any one person could hope for.

All the things in life that I want Delila to learn and understand to make her into a good and wholesome adult are already there within her. She knows how incredibly important Jeremy is to me and she knows how much I miss him even now, three years later. I can't tell you how incredibly proud she made me with that small sacrifice of not seeing a friend this weekend and instead spending it with me and celebrating her Uncle. It is by no means, a pleasant or wonderful, or lovey dovey weekend for me personally, however Delila has taught me that her love and her life are my reason to smile through the pain and tears.

Watching Grey's Anatomy is usually a tear fest anyhow, but watching it tonight hits far too close to home. I wonder if it's because for three years I've missed my cues from God and from Jeremy to be okay, to not be sad, and to find a way to heal. Watching tonight there was this scene that particularly stood out. It's very hard to forgive Jeremy for dying too soon, and to forgive myself for hating him for dying too soon. While he meant more to me than I've ever been able to put into words, I also hold a lot of anger because he left, because he's not here, and because I wanted to see more out of his life than just the 30 years I got with him.

Whomever you have, hug them, love them, cherish them, and forgive them before they're gone. Before it's too late, before the things you have said or want to say, become whispers in the wind. Jeremy knew the importance he held in my life, he knew I loved him; those things were never short on my end to him, so that makes it all that much harder to forgive.