When #metoo Isn't Invited

    My sexuality was forcefully turned on at an early age. At the age of nine to be exact. By thirteen, people were finally listening but it never really was those that should have been listening from the beginning. By the time I figured out how to function outside of a role I never asked to be in, I was nearly eighteen and still found myself being kept captive by certain triggers. Certain acts would render me useless and withdrawn. My life and my thoughts revolved around thinking that I was destined to be a broken and damaged piece of a person, so there I stayed for many years to come. 

    I continued to age, I continued to heal, and I continued to change. I found that what could have been a #metoo storyline for my life, instead become a not me too anthem for who I was going to be. I evolved and developed the person that I am, it may have taken some time, but I wasn’t going to allow someone else control that for me. Now in my thirties, my sexuality continues to thrive and at a healthy rate but it isn’t because I was someone’s victim. It’s because I developed a deep meaning for what self love is, what gratification is, and for what it means to develop connections beyond words. Someone else didn't make me who I am, I did, and only by choice and a lot of very hard work. 

    Sure I was someone’s victim at nine and for quite some time beyond that, but no one gets to dislike him more than me. I understand, I should probably hate him for everything he robbed of me in my life. He robbed my youth, he robbed my innocence, he robbed my trust, he robbed me of my family, and he robbed me of developing my own identity for a larger portion of my life. But here’s the thing, I hated him for many years; roughly about 18 if I had to give you a number and possibly even longer than that. And he robbed me of all those years too. He wouldn’t accept, acknowledge, nor apologize for his acts and for all that time I held on to my hate for everything leading up to my moment.

    My moment was when I needed to decide. Do I continue to hate for my entire life, or do I understand the situation happened, that he will never have another acknowledged presence in my life, and find a way to love myself more than the hate I carried for him? I won’t ever forgive. Some acts in life can’t be forgiven, or maybe they can but I am not one of those kinds of people. The kind of person I am, is the one who chooses my own path, my own direction, and my own world. The kind that leaves the things I don't like and the things that aren't  a part of positive self growth as far behind me as possible. 

    There’s a lot going on in the world, there has been for some time. One woman says something from 20 years ago happened and then suit follows with other women. As a woman, I personally find it hard to tell which are true and which are coattail riders. I can understand some time passing, I held quiet for a little bit until I reached out. I wasn’t believed so I held quiet again, for a little bit longer. I allowed one of the closest people to me make me feel like a captive all over again when they wouldn't believe the acts I was trying to tell them were taking place. But when a person is a victim, when trauma occurs, sooner rather than later a volcano erupts. There is so much anger, frustration, hurt, and fear that is buried inside that it simply can’t be kept quiet for long. For one to really have their cage rattled, they do all they can to escape the snakes that imprison them. The #metoo will continue, I won't say that as an adult I haven't been put in a situation to say it because I have, many times too often, but I shut it down immediately and I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel like a victim or make me feel like an object of any sort just so they can feel better about themselves. 

    As an adult and a happy one, I am still being told that I need to forgive this man and allow him back into my life. But that my friends, just simply will never happen. Throughout the years other events took place that showed a true character of how deviant this person can be, and that is never someone that I want in my life. I want those around me to understand that life is hard, and for some it's downright terrible; but that doesn't mean that we as individuals need to be miserable or horrible to each other. I could feel sad for the years I wasted feel angry, confused, and hostile in my life but I promise you that I am making up for it tenfold. If someone asks me how I'm doing and I can't say I'm amazing or fabulous without meaning it in some way, I know in that moment there is something that needs to be changed. I know that negative energy that we encompass and project reflects how others feel. I don't want that out in the universe, I want those that I come into contact with to walk away with just the tiniest bit of inspiration if I can do that for them. 

Things Mother's Say (and shouldn't)

My mother said something two weeks ago that I am still allowing to rent space in my head. I'm a bit mad at myself for still allowing it but I haven't really sat down to address it; not here in my blog and not really with anyone close to me. So there it swirls, each time it comes to the forefront of my mind, it grows just a little bit more, giving it one more sharp edge each time to poke at me and remind me just how screwed up it is.

It's no secret that my mom and I have an on and off relationship. It's been like that since for as long as I can remember. One day, one of us (eventually both) will leave this place and I'll forever be left to wonder if she ever loved me and I mean truly loved me in the magnitude that a mother should. I know just how grand that scale is since becoming a mother myself. I get it, she didn't have a shining example of a mother, but as harsh as this is, neither did I. However, I chose to go the opposite way and there's never a moment in time where my daughter has to wonder such a depressing thought. My love for her is endless; in action and in speech.

There are times when my mom is spot on. The banter we have is great, the communication isn't struggling, and it's pleasant to think we're moving forward. But just like the wind, one gust in any which direction, changes the course for everything. Something sets her off, it gets taken out on me, something she says I don't agree with and try to communicate that with her, it starts an argument - or better yet, weeks of silence from her.

I truly believe that some people just are not meant to be parents. My mom may be one of those people, so is my sister. As I'm writing this the news pops up the Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Now mind you, I don't give a rat's ass, but again, I am not able to have more kids which is a deep desire of mine (most of the time) yet Kylie Jenner (or all them fools) are reproducing like it's nothing at all. Moving on, that's not what we came here for.

Back to two weeks ago. I went over to my mother's for a bit because it had been quite some time since I had last seen her. My daughter and I went over after church to spend the day with her, and quickly, one of the first topics that comes to light is my sister. My mom had recently babysat my nephews and realized just how far off track as children they had become. My mom and her husband were severely concerned about my oldest nephew having a secret conversation with an unknown older man via some app on a cell phone, as well as my nephew talking about killing himself and others. There's also huge concern that my sister will lose her kids because she's so self focused and focused on partying rather than raising her children. It was a very weighted conversation. My mom asked me something about my sister and I didn't know the answer so I just simply said, "I don't know, why don't you ask her?" - And there it was - The comment that has been chewing away at me for two weeks now. She says, "I haven't asked her, just like I don't ask you about your life, because I don't want to know."

Wait. Stop. What?!? What do you mean you don't want to know? You don't want to know the details of your children's lives. You don't have concern about what they're going through. You don't worry about them. I'm very perplexed as to why you wouldn't care, as a mother and as a human being.

I want to know everything about my daughter's life. I never want her to feel like she's alone, that she has no one that understands, no one that cares, or no one to turn to for guidance. Even in my mid 30's, I still need guidance, and hell, it would be nice to have just one person, especially my mother, to lean on. Yet, this is also why I'm such a powerhouse. This is what makes me strong, resilient, and determined to change the course of my family ways. At the end of the day, I know I'm still chasing true love. A love that I didn't grow up with, a love I've had to develop for myself, by myself. A love that I'm not sure I'll ever really find or experience from a man. I deeply desire to give my daughter the most loving and healthy family environment and while I'm successfully doing that on my own, I'd still like that level of love I just haven't found yet.

So there it is. One key moment that I've been allowing to rent space in my head for two weeks. Maybe now that it's out there, I can release it, forgive it for being painful, and move on to the shining moments in my life. Like what I'm doing for my daughter tomorrow that was probably the most incredible thing to date that she thinks I've done for her. I'd move mountains for that kid, like I have already many times.

As She Grows

As my daughter has already begun to enter the stage of having interest in boys, I don't think kids her age understand the full terms of the word "dating". This has been a large topic of conversation in our home. She will continue to grow, she will become more of a woman, and the understanding of "dating" will be much more defined with her. With that there is something that I want to tell her, something that I really want her to know and to always hold in her heart. 

Is he patient?
Is he kind?
Does he envy?
Does he boast?
Is he humble or is he proud?
Does he dishonor others and is self-seeking?
Is he easily angered?
Does he keep record of your wrongs?
Does he delight in evil or does he rejoice in the truth?
Does he protect, trust, hopes, and perseveres?
Because through these questions darling, true love will never fail. 

I personally have experienced the hardest of these to learn what love should be and what it should not be. As a mother, it's my job to guide my daughter into the best life that she can and will have. And by showing her good and healthy examples of love is just one of the very many ways I am able to do that. 

Photo credit to Amy Aiello Photography

You Have to Rise From the Ashes

By nature I am a very empathetic person, I am also a very curious person and the two fit well together. My life has taught me some amazing lessons and one of those is to recognize the toxicity and instability in others, so that I may avoid bringing that into my life. There is undoubtedly truth behind what you put out is what you bring in. If you want to put out negativity, it will surely find its way back to you. However, if you choose to be positive and count your blessings, your blessings will be bountiful. 

With that being said, it didn't take me long to recognize such mental instability in my daughter's father. When it showed it's glory in 2005, I had to get away from it. I made a conscious and decisive move that I would stick to no matter what hardships life would throw at me. No matter what. But with that, I have also been paying for the decision I made to leave him. He has made me feel like a prisoner for the last 12 years, and counting. Even in my silence and in my distance from him, there is no escaping his instability because we still have a daughter to share. 

It has been a full 2 years since the courts finally awarded him joint custody, and foolishly in doing so, they only fed into the twisted fantasy he creates for his world and fed the monster of his narcissism that lives proudly on display with him. Also imperative that you know that she has equal amount split time between our houses, this comes into play later in this blog.

For at least the first 6-7 years of her life I feared for mine. That man made more threats against my life than I could count, I had him arrested multiple times, a restraining order, and even so far as made a will just in case. Everyone that was close to me was on standby just in case any "natural" death occurred to know he was behind it. I worked really hard on myself to know his bark was far larger than his bite but to never trust him as far as I could throw his 400 lb body. 

My life today is amazing! My daughter is the most awesome and incredible gift God could have ever given me. The person she is growing into makes me so incredibly proud that I've been able to and willing to pour everything I had into raising her. I live in a place of enjoyment, happiness, and always feeling incredibly blessed. 

Now, while I don't fear for my life as much as I use to back when I first left him and his rage was at its height, don't be mistaken by that. We have 5 years left until she's 18 and we are both able to freely leave this state and have peaceful lives. But that doesn't mean, in a small corner of my mind, that I don't trust that he wouldn't make a fateful and damaging decision to a life before that 5 years expires. While his rage isn't always at its height, it is still thriving but that will not stop me because my fate in life has already been decided by God and not my ex.

Just this month I've received the following texts. This shows how incredibly unstable his mind really is. Now mind you, yes I did crop some of them, but not to withhold information but to simply cut down on irrelevant exchanges. I am always willing to share full details, I just try to spare the headaches if I'm able. If there's one thing I'm teaching my daughter it is that just because someone wants an argument or fight with you, does not mean that you need to participate in it. 

I know people often question the amount of "baggage" I share. But it's only baggage if you carry it around with you. This isn't my baggage, he isn't my baggage; because at the end of the day, he has no bearing on me living my life to the fullest and loving every minute of it. And that's what I want to pass on to others by sharing my experiences.  

July 9

July 18

July 23

July 25

The Gray Area

I laid there wrapped in my emotions like a heated blanket on a cold winter's day. I was engulfed in the darkness of the night with just the smallest light peaking in through the window. My body was heavy but completely numb, while my mind couldn't pick any one space, moment, or memory to be in. All I could wonder is who else was out there experiencing just the same. How many were soaking their pillows in tears right alongside me with the weight of loss and confusion, maybe even in thoughts of their own anguish. 

You can feel the weight of death as it crushes your chest. It's never just one thing but it's a million. The whys and what ifs, the could have beens and the never agains. The pain, the loss, the memories, the love; it's all just sitting on you, it's all swirling in your mind, consuming every ounce of you, but not you alone. Everyone is there with you, it's doing it to all of us. It's bringing back pain from the past, making scars rip open and wounds incredibly fresh. You could say your heart is bleeding again in pain but we all know that it's so broken that no actual blood feels like it's even flowing from it. 

People die. I know that and so do you. But how we die always seems to be the news. The truth happens and only the Lord knows it, but if you ask outside there's an opinion that was never asked for being spoken. There's a million ways to die but even the most innocent accident could be view as an intentional departure to the ones that need a story the most. I don't care how someone died. The manner of their death doesn't impact the value of their life.

When someones light goes out, who is anyone to speak poorly about it. You never stood where they were, walked their path or held their pain. Yes someone may leave behind family, friends, even children but you don't get to judge their story and you most certainly don't get to judge their ending. Everyone seems to want to have an opinion but while you're voicing yours that shouldn't have been ringing out, it's making that crushing weight of death even worse for those in mourning. 

I know we were raised better but somewhere along the line we have forgotten to respect the dead. We lost sight of shutting our mouths if we didn't have anything nice to say, and remembering that life, whether thriving in front of you or now an empty shell, still holds the maximum amount of value to someone, even if that isn't you. 

Keep some sense and just let souls rest, let hearts mourn, and let's remember that not every moment in life needs an opinion attached to it. 

The years will pass but the memories won't fade, so if you feel like you need to condemn someone because of the manner of their death, just remember you were never them. You weren't in that moment, and you have zero idea of what that final moment was for them.

Never Spoken

Over the course of a year or more, some time ago, I jotted down these quick individual notes about someone in a notebook. It wasn't until today that I found them. 

The moments come back to me in pieces. 

Sometimes it feels like there's a movie playing 

out in my own head. I've known you for more years 

than I can remember, but it hasn't been until now that 

I've really felt like I know you. 

Growing up I always felt that you saw past me 

rather than seeing me; mostly my own perception 

of how I saw myself, I'm sure. I watched you live 

and every time I did it was painful. 

I always feared for you because you 

knew how to enjoy your life, 

but I worried that fun would take you away. 

I always saw amazing potential in you. 

I still do. 

 

Years, time, and distance were things 

that happened, almost without really realizing it. 

And then there you were again. And just like 

when we were young, just like in high school, 

just like today, my heart beats again when you are near. 

 

I remember a time we were going to the movies, 

like we always do, and in your empty and clean 

backseat sat a Bible. We hadn't yet shared a kiss, 

but in that moment, I could have kissed you 

for the rest of the night. 

 

Every time you put on your glasses, 

usually to drive, I have to fight 

the flood of emotions I feel for you. 

Everything you do I find makes you 

more attractive to me and I like it. 

 

I adore you. 

I just simply do. 

And I tell you without 

telling you too much. 

 

You are so profoundly 

intellectually stimulating, 

while also being my safe and quiet place 

if I need be. 

 

Being your guest out at public events is delightful. 

It may be a lot of the fact that we get along well 

and I enjoy time with you but you're very attentive 

and courteous to me. 

 

You & me, 

we jive well.

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to 

adequately express not only how much 

I hoped your life turned out well, 

but also how proud of you for the 

person you've become. 

How often is it that the things we think, we actually say?

 

The grammar isn't up to par but doesn't need to be when notes are taken in moments of remembrance. I didn't alter any of it to make myself look better, instead I left them as they are as a lesson for myself and others. Our feelings, good or bad, left unsaid, leave us in states of wonderment. 

It was everything that she never said. 

Reflection or Deflection?

Lucille Ball once said, "One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."

Tonight I had a very perplexing and challenging conversation with a friend that in the beginning lead me down a dark path about my own life that I didn't want to be on, only to find out I was right and had no business to be there. I want to break down the screenshots of the conversation, not to out said friend, but to point out some very important life lessons. I've concealed their identity for their sake. 

<----  Here's kind of where it all started. There obviously is small talk before this but this is where the conversation got "interesting" for a lack of a better word. I'm not entirely sure how they went from my daughter coming home to me being unhappy. I promise nothing had been said prior to this other than the fact that we were heading home after I worked today. 

One of the largest things that bothers me about friendships is that if you want to start a conversation, especially one of intense caliber, don't just quickly bow out when questions get asked of you. Own your shit. If you want to talk, if you're concerned about someone, or if you really want to say something own it. Ask, speak, and follow thru!

  <---- Here's where it picked up again and where it really started stirring my emotions. The first observation of my life, being "hectic but working on it" felt like an insult. It also was the first rabbit hole for me. 

Was this how people are viewing my life? Is this why I'm single? Is this ultimately my turnoff to men?? Rabbit hole!

This rabbit hole became deep and quick. It was stirring up thoughts and emotions that aren't allowed to rent space in my head any longer. I know who I am, why am I allowing comments like these to infiltrate the goodness of who I am at my core?

----> Wait a minute!! When the hell did I say that I wasn't settled?! I mean sure you could see it that way, and I could see it that way but my life not being settled has more to do with my back story of being a prisoner under my ex than it does with anything else. I feel like the "same observation" comparison is just a wee bit off base. 

 And about right here is where I took back control. I took back control of the conversation but also on the viewpoint of my life. This is MY life, and no one gets to dictate how good or bad it is except for me. Also rest assured that if you're going to use vocabulary, or descriptive words, you better be damn sure you're using them in the correct context or I'll be right on your ass to correct you. 

And it's the truth, I enjoy busy as much as I enjoy quiet. If you knew me, you'd know that. 

<---- Again, let me reign in this conversation because I don't like it one bit. Right about here is my mic drop. 

Also in the meantime, I'm reaching out to other friends who know me quiet well, as well as new friends just to see if in fact my life from the outside seems hectic. Maybe by chance I am missing the bigger picture. (Don't worry, I wasn't.) What I was learning from my other friends was that yes, I am in fact busy, but that doesn't qualify as a bad thing. Also that could it be possible that this friend in the conversation is actually in fact unhappy in their own life, and they're projecting that upon me? Why would someone do that? Was it worth finding out?

----> I was completely dumbfounded by someone telling a mother, a single mother that they can fail. I can't fathom the logic behind that. If I fail, who is there for my daughter? Who shows here what resilience, perseverance, and being strong are about? 








It was most certainly worth finding out.

<---- And here is where the truth in the whole conversation was sitting. Right there the whole time. They are unhappy in their life, and they were imposing it upon me for whatever reason. There wasn't a reflection in their mirror of life, but actually a deflection. And in that are grave consequences. 

Very quickly after I confronted the true issue, as you can see, the conversation was abruptly ended. 

I worry now for this friend. I don't want to see them unhappy or not content with their life. I also am sad that they couldn't answer as to why they were. I know that anxiety of life and the discontent. I'm not saying I'm not ever there, but I certainly do my best never to take up residence there. I pray for peace for this soul. I also hope that when they feel comfortable confronting their own struggles without assuming mine, that they'll reach out again and know that I am here for them and their struggles.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

When She's the One and Only

"How's your daughter?"

"She's amazing!" 

And then there it is. That completely empty, all too frequent, blank stare from the person asking the question. I am not one to lie so I don't fully understand the look.

I finally had to talk this one out with my best friend recently because it's become weird and uncomfortable for me. 

Listen, I know my daughter will be 13 this year and I get the concept that that's when girls are suppose to start being nightmares, but I'm sorry (??) mine isn't. Here's the thing, I truly believe that I was born to be a mother. I have poured everything I have had into raising my daughter into a good and decent human being. I worked hard to correct behavior, I spent nights crying over being the bad guy, and I've often wondered if what I am doing in the moment is the right thing when it's just me to make that call and I don't have any support. 

I remember a moment when she was about 2 or 3 and my mother said to me, "you're too hard on her and you expect too much from her". That moment sticks in my head because I couldn't understand what she meant by that. My face probably looked like that picture above. Did she mean that by making my daughter behave, by making her listen, and by making her understand rules and consequences at an early age, that I was putting too much on my girl? Because if that's what she meant, then by all means, I'm glad I was that way!

Look where we are at almost 13, my daughter is incredible! She is intelligent, diplomatic, inquisitive, behaved, open, compassionate, giving, and so much more! Does she have bad days? Of course, but her good far outweighs her bad. Does she get under my skin? Of course, but that's usually because the introvert in me has taken over. Does she get mouthy? Of course, she's almost 13!

But if you're going to ask me a question like how she's doing, I'm going to give the most honest and proper response that encompasses the largest portion of our lives, and that is that she is amazing. 

So today while out, I had to stop in at the jewelry store that I work at, and while we were there we started talking about birthstones because she saw a necklace she liked but it was December's stone. So we walked over to hers and started looking and just talking. I then saw a ring that I had forgotten we had which contained two main stones. Her birthstone and mine. In my most cheesy mother like tone, I said "look it's both our birthstones". Thinking this girl was going to shame me and think it was cheesy, but she shocks me and likes it! Not only does she like it but she then says, "we could have matching rings". After I took a moment to come back to reality, it was a done deal. I bought my daughter her ring and will have mine shortly. 

It's these moments that make my heart swell and remind me that I have done the most amazing job of raising her. I can't really question why God only gave me one child because I think he gave me the best one there is to have. 

Let Me School You in Your Failure!

There are times in life where you may overreact, this is not one of those times. 

Today on social media, an article hit about the school my daughter attends. In summary a 13 year old boy was arrested and booked for threatening the school. The school never addressed the students nor contacted the parents, and as of tonight, the rumor circulating social media is that the boy threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot it up. To add frustration to the pile, in the article that first hit the social media circuit, the Police Chief stated that the boy was "trying to be funny". 

Let me express my outrage!

As of just a few weeks ago, I addressed the Vice Principal at the school because a boy had been endlessly bullying my daughter, in classes in front of teachers, as well as in the halls. And he's not the only boy bullying a girl in that school. This seems to be a standing problem where some girls are even left to their tears in the cafeteria where still no one in the school does anything. The Vice Principal never responded to my concerns. He did speak to the boy and my daughter, to which the boy only made his comments even more rude and vengefully directed at my daughter. The Vice Principal also greatly downplayed the situation to my daughter which did not help her feel like there was a resolution. 

Shortly thereafter that occurred, I asked a teacher to send home a form that didn't make it to my house. In the communication back and forth there was some confusion on my end about conferences so the teacher offered to meet if I needed to. I did not and told her that I was aware of my daughter bringing up all of her grades so I was good. The teacher's response was to call my child "lazy" in her performance. I immediately fired back that as an administrator she should choose better verbiage when addressing a parent about their child, especially one that has worked so hard to bring all of her grades up and currently only has a C as the lowest grade, cumulatively. 

Now let me circle back around to today. Are you kidding me?!? The school has the nerve to sweep a boy's arrest under the rug? With today's "resources", as in social media, this can quickly spin out of control and I have to sincerely wonder if in fact the boy did threaten to bring a gun in and shoot up the school. Since I started writing the blog, I had a fellow parent forward me the boys Instagram page where 6 days ago, date unknown, he posted a picture of the joker with a gun that said, "me if I shot up the school". This is an 8th grader who has posted on social media about shooting up a school and then says it directly in the school today and the Police Chief has the nerve to say he was "trying to be funny". GTFO! 

Today's events should not have been swept under the rug by the school because now the story spins as well as if that boy does one day follow through, no one had any warning of it! So being the vocal person I am, especially when I believe strongly in something, I fired off an email tonight to the Superintendent, the Vice Principal, and the Principal. 

Below is the polite rendition of a letter instead of what I wanted to say which was, "Are you EFFING kidding me!!"

Dear Administrators,

I am greatly concerned about an event that occurred today at Sandwich Middle School where my daughter attends. A news report hit social media saying that a 13 year old boy was arrested and booked for making threats against the school. Myself, as well as many other parents and students, would like to know why this wasn't addressed as either an informative item or as an item of precautionary measure? Even my daughter who is 12 knows that the school and the district should have made them known as to what was going on for their comfort and safety.

Now that the school has not addressed the matter, it is starting to circulate on social media that the boy threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot it up. If this is in fact a true statement, let me express my additional outrage that is already existing. As the years have progressed, school shootings have become all too common and it is not something that anyone should take lightly, especially not the police chief as he stated the boy was "trying to be funny". There is nothing funny when it comes to the safety of my child and all the others that attend District 430.

I hope I speak for many parents and students when I say that not only are we owed an apology for the failed measures taken by the school but we are also owed a full explanation.

 Sincerely,

These Damn Women

Today is International Women's Day - if you didn't know that, just open any social media platform. On that note, I need to address something that I haven't seen a whole lot of but enough that it warranted a blog. 

Any man that needs to question a day reserved for women's rights, especially in 2017 amid everything that is being taken away from us, is no man whatsoever. Not only are you not qualitative as men, but you are a contributing factor of the rights we are losing and fighting for, and it's a direct reflection of how you view woman and most likely treat them. 

Now, in my heart of hearts, I am a very vintage woman and would be perfectly happy being a 1950's housewife. However, that would only take place if men were the men of those days and maintained their proper role in that equation as well. But this isn't the 1950's, this is 2017 where currently we as women are being told that we can't choose what we want to do with our bodies. That is the number one factor, we're being told that we need a man's permission to proceed with our bodies and we're having our resources taken away from us. Down right BS as far as I'm concerned. 

I'm 34 years old and I have a daughter. I do not want anyone telling me what I can or cannot do with my body. I also want my daughter to be a warrior and have resources available to her as she grows up to make the proper and responsible decisions that she will have to make one day. I am not here to wage a war on pro-life or pro-choice because that in itself is a days worth of a talk. I am however here to say that it's not only completely foolish but ignorant on anyone's part to think that a woman's choice to have an abortion is a one point decision. If a woman chooses to have an abortion, it's not at all that she has a disregard for life but the complete opposite. Ask a woman who has had an abortion and I bet her reason would give you pause to judging her and her decision. She has complete regard for life, hers and the conceived. You don't have the first clue how she got in the situation, you don't have a clue what it would do for her to stay in that situation, and you have zero idea what possible destruction adoption would do for her or that baby. You also have no idea the lifelong ramifications she lives with if she has to decide to have an abortion. Abortion isn't a yes or no situation, there is so much that goes into it and NO ONE should be able to make that decision except for the woman who realistically is ultimately left pregnant and caring for said child. 

We could discuss this all day but we won't because it is after all 2017 and for some reason people can't agree to disagree. Instead we feel we must tell people and enforce people to do things against their will. Which brings me to Planned Parenthood. If you for one second stand before me and say the Planned Parenthood is the foundation of abortions, again, you're an idiot. The resources that they provide to women, outside of that are far more important because if used properly by women, hopefully they won't be face with the decision on whether to keep or terminate a pregnancy. And if they are, God forbid women are forced into back alley abortions like so many were prior to Roe vs. Wade; women should be able to go to a Planned Parenthood if needed.

Want to get away from the rights of our bodies? Let's talk about the wage gap. How many times have I been in a position where I have been able to run circles around men in charge. Rhetorical of course. As women, we naturally excel. Children are conceived in our bodies, we carry each of them for 9 months at a time often not with ease, we give birth, we support and raise our children, and we love, support, and stand by our men. We take care of everyone, our careers, our homes, and we try to take care of ourselves as well. We carry the world without batting an eye. We have amazing benefits to add in the workforce, but instead of being praised, given raises, and given the room to excel, we're left to do the work for the men, get walked on, and be underpaid. 

You can't control us by telling us we aren't equal. 

That includes today, International Women's Day. You can't take that away from us because you ultimately feel inferior as a man. Get your balls out and support us because we've got your back too when you need it. I only scraped the surface of the issues in the US today, but look around the world. Look at how poorly women are treated when we are the ones who create it all. Without us, you men wouldn't exist. So stop treating us like we're garbage and treating us like we need to bow down to you. The roles are actually reversed and the strength, power, and endurance for love that we as women have, will carry all of us far beyond the reaches that currently are holding us down. 

Also, International Men's Day is November 19 for the less informed. 

 

28 Days Down

  I removed myself from Facebook a month ago and not very many noticed. I am a little surprised but not really surprised at all in the same sense. I still want nothing to do with Facebook and will continue to avoid it like the plague but I have found that since I was on it for so long, many of my accounts that I need are unfortunately linked to it. Plus, it seems like people think I blocked them rather than the fact that I have had enough with the site itself. I am not that terrible of a person. I figure, if I matter, you'll write or call, away from the social media toxicity that is Facebook.

  I haven't blogged either in a while, which was brought to my attention recently. I started school four months ago, and the English class that I just finished was driving me crazy. I just wasn't clicking well with the teacher or more over, her lack of being a teacher. Regardless, I still got an A- on the class. So far straight A's and a 3.78 GPA. Wish I did this well in high school. Now I am wrapped up in Quantitative Reasoning I and moving on from there to QR II, and Accounting classes until I finish.

A lot has happened in a month while not much has changed.

  Jeremy's fourth anniversary of his passing came and went, and not without tears. I spent the morning sitting down by the river at the same spot I last held him four years ago. That spot just draws you in.

  I celebrated my 34th birthday and found the love and admiration I have for those who didn't need Facebook to remember, whom I cherish daily. The Saturday before, I went out to dinner for great conversation and a lot of laughs with four much loved friends. I renewed my license at the DMV (written test included) the morning of my birthday, did a little shopping, and then had dinner with my Goose and my mom. I worked the following day and was loved by one very special coworker who remembered me. I then did the Brew & View with friends to watch the always great and classic, Wayne's World. And then I finished out the week trying a new restaurant that was on my list; while it's now crossed off the list due to its lackluster food, the company couldn't have been better.

  In the last month I have fallen in love with me, in an entirety. Who I am, where I am, and where I am going bring me such amazing joy. Removing the toxic norm of Facebook couldn't have been a better choice. I have gained so much peace in that month that I want to always share it with those around me. Yes, there have still been those hiccup moments, those few that got under my skin momentarily, and those that have forgotten all about me. But none of that matters to all of the positive aspects that I have been able to enjoy. 

 

  I needed my 28 day detox. I needed to enjoy my life without the pettiness of others. I needed to enjoy my company without distraction. I needed to feel as close to my brother as I could because it's the fourth year I couldn't hear his voice, hear him say, "Yours is the only birthday I ever remember". But mostly I needed to know that the next 28 days of detox will be just as great. There's a funny thing about Facebook, it seems to breed hate, anger, and pettiness; whereas either I don't see it on Instagram/SnapChat, or I just don't allow it to exist. 

 

God Bless. 

And Be Loved. 

It Has to be You

 If I could love you I would. 

I would protect you from your demons and I would ground your weary ways. If I loved you I would teach you to how to forgive the past and cherish the now so that you can excel in the future. 

If I loved you, you would know the pain you've endured has been worth it for the love you deserve is here to stay. 

But I am not the one who can love you. 

I'm not the one who should. 

It has to be you.

I can't fix it all and I can't create the better, for all of that has to start with you. For me to be able to love you, you would have to let me and where you are just isn't allowing me in. Your demons are ever present, they are residing over your every move. Your sorrows are heavier than any weight I've ever been able to carry, and the clouds for you are so dark that you can't see the sun that I have shining so brightly for you. 

I hope you don't lose hope. I hope you're able to see, that my love for you is just the same whether it's as impossible as it can be or if it's as easy as this read. I will always be here, I am always ready to give you my love; but to get there is up to you.