Let love be.

For all of those friends, and especially family, who have turned their backs, disowned, and devalued our existence because Jasmine and I are two women who fell in love - this is my open letter to you.

I think about you often. I think about your actions and how you treat us. I think about the times you have made homophobic comments, used slang, whispered behind us because we are culturally different, or how you have chosen to put distance between us. I think about all the things in our lives that you have and will continue to miss out on.

I wonder if you will ever understand that we aren't just two women together who seem to disgust you, but instead we are two people who found love and chose love.

Here's the thing that I have learned over time and the 36 years God has given me so far. Love is never defined. We love children that aren't ours, we love physical possessions like cars or new phones, and we love our pets; some love their pets more than their own children. So I'm always very confused how those same people who can love those things and more can't seem to understand how people of the same sex, or people who aren't like them, are able to love too.

I was raised by the Bible and I know that it very often gets tossed aside for people and that's their business. I also know that it far too often gets twisted around so that it fits whomever is sending a message. Personally for me, that isn't the God I know. One verse I found years ago and tattooed very visibly on my arm is Romans 12:9 which states, "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."

Think about that for a moment.

Love and the definition of it should be sincere. This is all that God wants, and it should be all we want as mankind too. Because when you strip it all away, we are all made of the same compounds that make us humans and we all have souls that live within us. So why do we choose to make happiness so difficult for others when the real problem is that you might just be unhappy with yourself.

After so many heartbreaks and relationships that I begged God to allow into fruition, I found that I only needed to ask him for one single thing. I spent years and years praying for one single thing. I simply asked God to bring someone into my life who will love me unconditionally so that I can share life with them. And I waited; for a very long time. I kept trying to make relationships (with men) work that were never meant to be, and then I met Jasmine. I took only a single moment, a simple few hours working together to know that I needed to know her and I wanted her in my life. It was that whisper that actually screamed so loud for me. I knew it was her.

My wife loves me unconditionally; the only thing I could ever want. She is always there for me without hesitation. I couldn't have imagined another human being better than her to share life with. Marriage is hard and we know that, but what makes it easy for us is because every day we choose to love each other through all the victories and through all the hurricanes. I could only hope that everyone gets to spend their lives with as much love, joy and happiness as we are experiencing.

So please, let love be and accept us and share life with us because ultimately you're missing out by harboring hate and disdain in your hearts and souls. And if our relationships with you should never improve, I'll still think about you and in a corner of my heart I will be sad for you because what you're missing with us, and what you're missing especially by knowing Jasmine, is more than I could ever put into words.

No Space

I’ve talked about this before but I feel like I need to talk about it again. Maybe more so for myself this time.

We all have a voice inside of us that tries to rent negative space. It’s that small voice that tells us we aren’t good enough, that we will ruin something, that we won’t succeed. And every time it pops up and we acknowledge it, we’re allowing it to pay rent and occupy space. But if we reject its attempt to pay rent, if we counteract it with a truth we know - we are good enough, what happens doesn’t mean we ruined something, or that with determination we will succeed; we’re giving that voice it’s eviction notice.

 

I know it's hard. It's hard to shut down any kind of negative in life because it seems like negativity breeds negativity; and I can see or understand a temporary rental but please don't ever lease the space inside of you to that voice. Don't allow it to tear you down. Don't allow the words that others say be the currency for your voices rent money. Don't compare yourself to others because then you're just adding a roommate. 

 

 You have come so far in life, even if your greatest accomplishment today was getting out of bed. Dig deep if you have to in order to recognize all the amazing things that you have done, and just how amazing you truly are. Because at the end of the day, that negative space inside your head will eventually stop trying to rent space if you keep finding all the good that is YOU. And if you don't see any of this in yourself, let someone else see it in you, for you. 

 

 "Are you going to let one brick break down a great masterpiece?" - JG 

 

 

 

 

What Is The Future Without Children?

Yesterday students across the nation took part in a walkout to use their presence and their voices to stand up against the far too many lives that have been lost due to school shootings. Every student that participate took 17 minutes out of their day, their education, and took 17 minutes to reflect on the magnitude of the situation we’re facing in this nation. Those 17 minutes signified the 17 lives so tragically lost on February 14 in Florida at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.

 

When I first got an email from the middle school principal letting parents know that they were anticipating student participation, like many other parents, it opened up for conversation with my daughter.

Okay so I may have ended it before it started but we eventually got there. I told her I didn’t want her participating in the walkout which only ensured I got an onslaught of attitude and sass about how she doesn’t get to make her own decisions.

Welcome to 13.

I wanted to have a conversation about it but she just wasn’t having it. I proceeded to send her to school with a note giving her permission to participate if she wanted to, which she was shocked about. I told her she had a choice to make and the only reason I didn’t want her to participate was because as people, we need to think, ‘will my actions help solve a problem or will they create more issues’ and that’s where I wanted her to think.

My daughter did end up participating in the walkout, to no surprise to me. I never brag but I’ve done it right, that girl would stand up for anybody and does stand up for everybody. There weren’t many from her school that participated, but she was able to make a choice and afterwards our conversation happened.

The safety of our children when they aren’t at home is on the line more than ever and that's a horrible thing to think about. I am not anti-gun and I'm not here for a heated debate, in fact I just applied to get my FOID card (just a delayed process on my end) and I enjoy the range. However, it is beyond clear that as a nation we are doing something horribly wrong and it’s costing the lives of our children at a rapid rate.

My former high school also participated in a walkout. That participation consisted of so many students that they were able to send a very clear message as seen in the photo below. And while my daughter’s middle school may not have had that many participants, she felt that the school heard them. They are now going to teach kids about mental health.

 

We need to first stop fighting with each other and instead fight for a betterment - together.

 It’s the only way any real change will ever happen.

 

 

 

Twenty and None

When I had to tell my daughter that I had miscarried, she asked me why God would give us a baby just to take it away. My daughter is intelligent and has every right to ask questions like that. When I let her know the many reasons why we were experiencing what we were, never did I imagine that I would soon see the light to the situation.

There are so many times in life that we go through something only to wonder why, and never really finding out until long after the event has passed. But sometimes, we're giving the opportunity early on which may be a way of saving us as well as healing us.

The blog I've been writing and sitting on through this whole thing is taking forever to finish because I'm forced to actually deal with and relive every excruciating moment of what happened. And it's hard to do when life doesn't give you enough time to do just that. Life is demanding, it keeps going, and I usually always put my stuff on the back burner to deal with everything else around me. Maybe some day it will get finished, published, and shared to help others.

It's almost a full month since the miscarriage was confirmed. I had reached out to the person who I conceived with a couple of times looking for some sort of support; let's call him Roger. None of my attempts were successful, in fact each time I tried, he simply made the entire thing about him. And then this moment hit. I had reached my limit with suffering and grieving alone, I was tired of being ignored, and I am so frustrated that my body is still expelling things and it hasn't gone back to normal.

My message was straight and to the point, I expressed my disappointment in his behavior as well as asked him if he even gave a shit. That was when I got the response of a lifetime. He proceeded to blame me for the whole situation. He made it a very clear point that he didn't want anything about this loss or pregnancy to effect his "new" relationship, and how he felt that by sharing my experience and the loss on any forum was "attention seeking" on my part. Mind you, this "new" relationship times up pretty closely to when he was also asking me for exclusivity, more than once. The irony was I refused to settle down with him because he's a known adulterer.

It was a very clear message that he wants to hide from this as well as wanted me to suffer in silence. To say I am appalled, dumbfounded, and pissed are not even close to how I really feel.

For 20 years I have been friends with this guy. For 20 years I have stuck by him, encouraged him, defended him, and even waited out periods of silence while he allowed others to drag my name through the mud. Every single time someone bad mouthed him I either ignored it or stuck up for him. I know so much about his past, his addictions, his marriage and divorce, and his sexual endeavors. I never once thought bad of him and never thought I could. And now here I am wondering who the hell I have been friends with for the last 20 years.

I also can't wrap my head around how I deserve this now from him. I can't understand how he thinks that by blocking me on all accounts and by ignoring me, that this whole situation disappears and never happened. I almost cannot even formulate how much shock I am in right now.

I know that a miscarriage is a private thing that happens, I know that it's personal and taboo to talk about; but I also know that isn't me. If I hadn't been sharing my experience, I wouldn't know what to expect, I wouldn't know that active labor was going to happen, I wouldn't know that clots bigger than pads were normal, and I wouldn't know that I wasn't alone in this from both male and female friends. I share because maybe someone else out there is feeling alone too or maybe they've never had to experience this and have no idea what to expect. Maybe someone out there doesn't classify with a "typical" miscarriage. No one should ever have to feel like this, ever!

So Roger, let me say this. Ignoring a situation doesn't mean that it didn't happen. I am sad for you and all the women to come that you are not only going to hurt but who are going to beat themselves up because by the end they will know you deceived them. I'm sorry for all the friends we share who will continue to think you're a decent guy even though your true colors have shown, and I will put hope into the women you've left in the wake of your completely self-centered, self-motivated lifestyle.

Roger, what you chose to ignore was a life. It was the loss of a life. It was the fact that for five weeks without knowing it I carried around a dead child, I endured many days of debilitating pain, I passed clots that are traumatizing and lost blood that nearly put me back in the hospital; if only I weren't so stubborn. And I was the one who had to endure actual active labor, without the blessing of a baby at the end, just so things would pass because my body realized there was no longer a viable life growing inside - and I did it all the while you ignored the situation. And those are just the smallest parts of what I had to go through and the things you wanted me to suffer through in silence.

And Roger, unfortunately for you I believe in both God and Karma and you sir have made your bed with both. And I know now why God has given me this experience. I know He wants me to see the truth where I wasn't able to, I know He wants me to understand that not all males are meant to be fathers, and I know He doesn't want me to raise another child with a piss poor example of what a man should be.

It's a Heavy One

To say that I don’t find life ironic would be a blatant lie. I couldn’t never deny the correlation of life events even if I wanted to. The last couple of weeks have been hard for me, and that my friends is putting it lightly; it's been bordering traumatic for me. We’re all aware at how much of a challenge February is for me all on its own. But this year took me for a new ride, one I would have rather of opted out of.

As I’m still trying to figure out my daughter’s health concerns, mine decided they weren't going to wait any longer to step into the light. I found myself in a completely unfamiliar spot in life and one that I’m sure I’d never want to be in again. I was writing this hoping the physical pain would kick in to distract all emotional pain but by 2 am, every square inch of my body was hurting and I was still left in the turmoil of endless mixed emotions.

I should be thinking about two days from now. Two days until I’m 35 and how I can reflect on how far I’ve come in life. The personal growth I’ve made, how proud of myself I am, and really start laying out the plans for our future and our five year plans. However, I am here fresh from the hospital after being told that I have in fact had a miscarriage.

It's a moment I never thought I'd find myself in. For whatever reason, my body said no and there was absolutely nothing I could do but fight off the guilt that I wasn't good enough. The wonder of did I do something wrong, should I have done less or more? And the knowledge to know, miscarriages just happen.

As an empath I can often relate to others on such a deeper level but this was never one I was able to understand. I’ve spent the last couple weeks being told that the likelihood that this was going to happen was greater than that of being able to hold another baby of my own.

The question of the hour is, “are you ok?” But I don’t know what I am. Four days ago I had a baby and now it's vanished. It was a seed, a tiny apple seed size if that, because it stopped growing long before I even knew it. My body was still doing the pregnancy things, while my baby simply wasn't.

I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the ultimate fate but I still held onto some hope. I also know that at the end of the day, I have to trust in God and His plan because that’s all I’ve got and the only way I’ll survive. I learned this very quickly five years ago, and I can’t ignore the fact either that five years ago I lost my brother a week before my birthday, still a loss I haven’t recovered from. And here on his five year anniversary, again before a day I would otherwise try to celebrate, I’m at a loss. I’ve lost a being that I hadn’t gotten to know yet but would have been over the moon to raise and love. I’ve lost what could be the last chance I will have for more biological children.

To explain a miscarriage and it’s emotional toll would be like explaining quantum physics to a six year old and expecting them to understand after only one lesson. It’s a roller coaster of natural emotions mixed with sound medical knowledge. It's especially harder for me since my baby is gone but my body still has more to process before it’s healed and back to normal. If there was only one thing I’d ask for, it would be to be held. I just want to lie down, be held, and for a moment let someone else comfort me rather than trying to do it all on my own.

My heart is sad, my body is in a weird transition, but through it all my daughter is my shining light and honestly, how could I ask for anything more than that.

How Much Can You Handle?

Forgive me if I’m not at your entertainment or emotional disposal right now. By nature I take care of others far before I take care of myself. But there comes moments in everyone’s lives where the tides turn and we must learn to adjust our sails in some of the worst of storms.

I took on a career that I really wanted, it was a move that I knew would helps us as our future changes and as our dreams began to take better form. But with this new position, I am working a lot more. I’m usually schedule at 48 hours a week, sometimes I work more and sometimes a little less but doing well and maintaining my hustle is what I want to do. Also, I sell jewelry - it’s retail - holidays, big and small, are enormous for us. I shouldn’t have to explain that.

I’m also, as always, still am a single parent. I’m raising a 13 year old girl who I don’t want to be an asshole in life. Even on days she's with her dad, she needs me every day because he falls short in his role. There are no breaks for me as a parent and as with my career, she’s also my main focus.

I didn’t have any time to process, grieve, or reflect on my brother’s 5 year anniversary like I wanted to because I had what was a family emergency that day for me to deal with. I have also been dealing with some very private medical issues of my own, while also having my daughter have medical issues pop up. Her health has taken priority because that’s what we do as parents and I only want her life to be the best it can be. The amount of testing she’s having to go through and the way she’s having to adjust her life to be comfortable are hard to deal with when you’re 13.

So when I’m quiet, when I’m short in conversation, and when I don’t answer your calls or texts, trust that it’s not you, it’s me. I’m never one to diminish the problems that my friends or family have but in my current perfect storm, I have to focus on me. And that, I won’t be sorry for.

So please don’t make me feel any worse when you feel neglected by my attention, please don’t make my storm about you, please don’t minimize what I am trying to work through, and please understand that what you may think I need may not actually be the case.

Five and Counting

I spend my few grieving days being frustrated because it’s the only thing that masks my pain. When I’m alone and your memory haunts me, that’s when the pain is released and every inch of my face is soaked in the tears that won’t ever seem to fade away. To say losing you hurts like it happened today is how I feel but the reality is, it’s been five years since you went away. 

The way it’s changed my life is hard to put into words, and the magnitude of my stress now is suffocating and only wants to be understood by you. But in those five years I’ve learned to find you in small moments in life, sometimes when I need you the most and sometimes when I’m least expecting it. I’ve learned to spend more of my time thinking about the good than the bad, I rely on photos to pull me back into each moment before you were gone. 

But today and tomorrow are days that haunt me. I won’t ever be able to forget that five years ago I got that single life defining phone call. I won’t ever be able to forget how I had to tell others, how I had to break others while putting my heartache on hold, how I had to be the mindful one and talk to the coroner. I won’t forget how I thought I’d be able to deal but the following day was when the bottom of my universe fell out; how I free floated in a self destructing year because the loss of you was and still is unbearable. Today I think about the frustrations, I think about the unspoken words, I think about the many times I begged God in many moments to just give you back, until I picked up your ashes. Our last car ride together was our weirdest yet, I never in a million years thought you'd be ash in a box riding shotgun.
My mind is riddled with those last tears I watched fall from my face as I leaned over you in the casket. I watched each of them soak into your plaid shirt before someone had to pull me away, because I wasn’t ever going to be able to let you go on my own. I don’t know how we got to five years. I don’t know how the rest of them will go. I do however hope that through it all, you’re still looking out because my life without you so very often just feels lost.

We had a deal, we had our many talks about death, but this was never one of the cards we discussed. I will forever love you, I will forever be working on forgiving myself and trying to not feel guilty, and I will forever speak of you because my life isn't my life without you in it.  

 

When #metoo Isn't Invited

    My sexuality was forcefully turned on at an early age. At the age of nine to be exact. By thirteen, people were finally listening but it never really was those that should have been listening from the beginning. By the time I figured out how to function outside of a role I never asked to be in, I was nearly eighteen and still found myself being kept captive by certain triggers. Certain acts would render me useless and withdrawn. My life and my thoughts revolved around thinking that I was destined to be a broken and damaged piece of a person, so there I stayed for many years to come. 

    I continued to age, I continued to heal, and I continued to change. I found that what could have been a #metoo storyline for my life, instead become a not me too anthem for who I was going to be. I evolved and developed the person that I am, it may have taken some time, but I wasn’t going to allow someone else control that for me. Now in my thirties, my sexuality continues to thrive and at a healthy rate but it isn’t because I was someone’s victim. It’s because I developed a deep meaning for what self love is, what gratification is, and for what it means to develop connections beyond words. Someone else didn't make me who I am, I did, and only by choice and a lot of very hard work. 

    Sure I was someone’s victim at nine and for quite some time beyond that, but no one gets to dislike him more than me. I understand, I should probably hate him for everything he robbed of me in my life. He robbed my youth, he robbed my innocence, he robbed my trust, he robbed me of my family, and he robbed me of developing my own identity for a larger portion of my life. But here’s the thing, I hated him for many years; roughly about 18 if I had to give you a number and possibly even longer than that. And he robbed me of all those years too. He wouldn’t accept, acknowledge, nor apologize for his acts and for all that time I held on to my hate for everything leading up to my moment.

    My moment was when I needed to decide. Do I continue to hate for my entire life, or do I understand the situation happened, that he will never have another acknowledged presence in my life, and find a way to love myself more than the hate I carried for him? I won’t ever forgive. Some acts in life can’t be forgiven, or maybe they can but I am not one of those kinds of people. The kind of person I am, is the one who chooses my own path, my own direction, and my own world. The kind that leaves the things I don't like and the things that aren't  a part of positive self growth as far behind me as possible. 

    There’s a lot going on in the world, there has been for some time. One woman says something from 20 years ago happened and then suit follows with other women. As a woman, I personally find it hard to tell which are true and which are coattail riders. I can understand some time passing, I held quiet for a little bit until I reached out. I wasn’t believed so I held quiet again, for a little bit longer. I allowed one of the closest people to me make me feel like a captive all over again when they wouldn't believe the acts I was trying to tell them were taking place. But when a person is a victim, when trauma occurs, sooner rather than later a volcano erupts. There is so much anger, frustration, hurt, and fear that is buried inside that it simply can’t be kept quiet for long. For one to really have their cage rattled, they do all they can to escape the snakes that imprison them. The #metoo will continue, I won't say that as an adult I haven't been put in a situation to say it because I have, many times too often, but I shut it down immediately and I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel like a victim or make me feel like an object of any sort just so they can feel better about themselves. 

    As an adult and a happy one, I am still being told that I need to forgive this man and allow him back into my life. But that my friends, just simply will never happen. Throughout the years other events took place that showed a true character of how deviant this person can be, and that is never someone that I want in my life. I want those around me to understand that life is hard, and for some it's downright terrible; but that doesn't mean that we as individuals need to be miserable or horrible to each other. I could feel sad for the years I wasted feel angry, confused, and hostile in my life but I promise you that I am making up for it tenfold. If someone asks me how I'm doing and I can't say I'm amazing or fabulous without meaning it in some way, I know in that moment there is something that needs to be changed. I know that negative energy that we encompass and project reflects how others feel. I don't want that out in the universe, I want those that I come into contact with to walk away with just the tiniest bit of inspiration if I can do that for them. 

Things Mother's Say (and shouldn't)

My mother said something two weeks ago that I am still allowing to rent space in my head. I'm a bit mad at myself for still allowing it but I haven't really sat down to address it; not here in my blog and not really with anyone close to me. So there it swirls, each time it comes to the forefront of my mind, it grows just a little bit more, giving it one more sharp edge each time to poke at me and remind me just how screwed up it is.

It's no secret that my mom and I have an on and off relationship. It's been like that since for as long as I can remember. One day, one of us (eventually both) will leave this place and I'll forever be left to wonder if she ever loved me and I mean truly loved me in the magnitude that a mother should. I know just how grand that scale is since becoming a mother myself. I get it, she didn't have a shining example of a mother, but as harsh as this is, neither did I. However, I chose to go the opposite way and there's never a moment in time where my daughter has to wonder such a depressing thought. My love for her is endless; in action and in speech.

There are times when my mom is spot on. The banter we have is great, the communication isn't struggling, and it's pleasant to think we're moving forward. But just like the wind, one gust in any which direction, changes the course for everything. Something sets her off, it gets taken out on me, something she says I don't agree with and try to communicate that with her, it starts an argument - or better yet, weeks of silence from her.

I truly believe that some people just are not meant to be parents. My mom may be one of those people, so is my sister. As I'm writing this the news pops up the Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Now mind you, I don't give a rat's ass, but again, I am not able to have more kids which is a deep desire of mine (most of the time) yet Kylie Jenner (or all them fools) are reproducing like it's nothing at all. Moving on, that's not what we came here for.

Back to two weeks ago. I went over to my mother's for a bit because it had been quite some time since I had last seen her. My daughter and I went over after church to spend the day with her, and quickly, one of the first topics that comes to light is my sister. My mom had recently babysat my nephews and realized just how far off track as children they had become. My mom and her husband were severely concerned about my oldest nephew having a secret conversation with an unknown older man via some app on a cell phone, as well as my nephew talking about killing himself and others. There's also huge concern that my sister will lose her kids because she's so self focused and focused on partying rather than raising her children. It was a very weighted conversation. My mom asked me something about my sister and I didn't know the answer so I just simply said, "I don't know, why don't you ask her?" - And there it was - The comment that has been chewing away at me for two weeks now. She says, "I haven't asked her, just like I don't ask you about your life, because I don't want to know."

Wait. Stop. What?!? What do you mean you don't want to know? You don't want to know the details of your children's lives. You don't have concern about what they're going through. You don't worry about them. I'm very perplexed as to why you wouldn't care, as a mother and as a human being.

I want to know everything about my daughter's life. I never want her to feel like she's alone, that she has no one that understands, no one that cares, or no one to turn to for guidance. Even in my mid 30's, I still need guidance, and hell, it would be nice to have just one person, especially my mother, to lean on. Yet, this is also why I'm such a powerhouse. This is what makes me strong, resilient, and determined to change the course of my family ways. At the end of the day, I know I'm still chasing true love. A love that I didn't grow up with, a love I've had to develop for myself, by myself. A love that I'm not sure I'll ever really find or experience from a man. I deeply desire to give my daughter the most loving and healthy family environment and while I'm successfully doing that on my own, I'd still like that level of love I just haven't found yet.

So there it is. One key moment that I've been allowing to rent space in my head for two weeks. Maybe now that it's out there, I can release it, forgive it for being painful, and move on to the shining moments in my life. Like what I'm doing for my daughter tomorrow that was probably the most incredible thing to date that she thinks I've done for her. I'd move mountains for that kid, like I have already many times.

As She Grows

As my daughter has already begun to enter the stage of having interest in boys, I don't think kids her age understand the full terms of the word "dating". This has been a large topic of conversation in our home. She will continue to grow, she will become more of a woman, and the understanding of "dating" will be much more defined with her. With that there is something that I want to tell her, something that I really want her to know and to always hold in her heart. 

Is he patient?
Is he kind?
Does he envy?
Does he boast?
Is he humble or is he proud?
Does he dishonor others and is self-seeking?
Is he easily angered?
Does he keep record of your wrongs?
Does he delight in evil or does he rejoice in the truth?
Does he protect, trust, hopes, and perseveres?
Because through these questions darling, true love will never fail. 

I personally have experienced the hardest of these to learn what love should be and what it should not be. As a mother, it's my job to guide my daughter into the best life that she can and will have. And by showing her good and healthy examples of love is just one of the very many ways I am able to do that. 

Photo credit to Amy Aiello Photography

You Have to Rise From the Ashes

By nature I am a very empathetic person, I am also a very curious person and the two fit well together. My life has taught me some amazing lessons and one of those is to recognize the toxicity and instability in others, so that I may avoid bringing that into my life. There is undoubtedly truth behind what you put out is what you bring in. If you want to put out negativity, it will surely find its way back to you. However, if you choose to be positive and count your blessings, your blessings will be bountiful. 

With that being said, it didn't take me long to recognize such mental instability in my daughter's father. When it showed it's glory in 2005, I had to get away from it. I made a conscious and decisive move that I would stick to no matter what hardships life would throw at me. No matter what. But with that, I have also been paying for the decision I made to leave him. He has made me feel like a prisoner for the last 12 years, and counting. Even in my silence and in my distance from him, there is no escaping his instability because we still have a daughter to share. 

It has been a full 2 years since the courts finally awarded him joint custody, and foolishly in doing so, they only fed into the twisted fantasy he creates for his world and fed the monster of his narcissism that lives proudly on display with him. Also imperative that you know that she has equal amount split time between our houses, this comes into play later in this blog.

For at least the first 6-7 years of her life I feared for mine. That man made more threats against my life than I could count, I had him arrested multiple times, a restraining order, and even so far as made a will just in case. Everyone that was close to me was on standby just in case any "natural" death occurred to know he was behind it. I worked really hard on myself to know his bark was far larger than his bite but to never trust him as far as I could throw his 400 lb body. 

My life today is amazing! My daughter is the most awesome and incredible gift God could have ever given me. The person she is growing into makes me so incredibly proud that I've been able to and willing to pour everything I had into raising her. I live in a place of enjoyment, happiness, and always feeling incredibly blessed. 

Now, while I don't fear for my life as much as I use to back when I first left him and his rage was at its height, don't be mistaken by that. We have 5 years left until she's 18 and we are both able to freely leave this state and have peaceful lives. But that doesn't mean, in a small corner of my mind, that I don't trust that he wouldn't make a fateful and damaging decision to a life before that 5 years expires. While his rage isn't always at its height, it is still thriving but that will not stop me because my fate in life has already been decided by God and not my ex.

Just this month I've received the following texts. This shows how incredibly unstable his mind really is. Now mind you, yes I did crop some of them, but not to withhold information but to simply cut down on irrelevant exchanges. I am always willing to share full details, I just try to spare the headaches if I'm able. If there's one thing I'm teaching my daughter it is that just because someone wants an argument or fight with you, does not mean that you need to participate in it. 

I know people often question the amount of "baggage" I share. But it's only baggage if you carry it around with you. This isn't my baggage, he isn't my baggage; because at the end of the day, he has no bearing on me living my life to the fullest and loving every minute of it. And that's what I want to pass on to others by sharing my experiences.  

July 9

July 18

July 23

July 25

The Gray Area

I laid there wrapped in my emotions like a heated blanket on a cold winter's day. I was engulfed in the darkness of the night with just the smallest light peaking in through the window. My body was heavy but completely numb, while my mind couldn't pick any one space, moment, or memory to be in. All I could wonder is who else was out there experiencing just the same. How many were soaking their pillows in tears right alongside me with the weight of loss and confusion, maybe even in thoughts of their own anguish. 

You can feel the weight of death as it crushes your chest. It's never just one thing but it's a million. The whys and what ifs, the could have beens and the never agains. The pain, the loss, the memories, the love; it's all just sitting on you, it's all swirling in your mind, consuming every ounce of you, but not you alone. Everyone is there with you, it's doing it to all of us. It's bringing back pain from the past, making scars rip open and wounds incredibly fresh. You could say your heart is bleeding again in pain but we all know that it's so broken that no actual blood feels like it's even flowing from it. 

People die. I know that and so do you. But how we die always seems to be the news. The truth happens and only the Lord knows it, but if you ask outside there's an opinion that was never asked for being spoken. There's a million ways to die but even the most innocent accident could be view as an intentional departure to the ones that need a story the most. I don't care how someone died. The manner of their death doesn't impact the value of their life.

When someones light goes out, who is anyone to speak poorly about it. You never stood where they were, walked their path or held their pain. Yes someone may leave behind family, friends, even children but you don't get to judge their story and you most certainly don't get to judge their ending. Everyone seems to want to have an opinion but while you're voicing yours that shouldn't have been ringing out, it's making that crushing weight of death even worse for those in mourning. 

I know we were raised better but somewhere along the line we have forgotten to respect the dead. We lost sight of shutting our mouths if we didn't have anything nice to say, and remembering that life, whether thriving in front of you or now an empty shell, still holds the maximum amount of value to someone, even if that isn't you. 

Keep some sense and just let souls rest, let hearts mourn, and let's remember that not every moment in life needs an opinion attached to it. 

The years will pass but the memories won't fade, so if you feel like you need to condemn someone because of the manner of their death, just remember you were never them. You weren't in that moment, and you have zero idea of what that final moment was for them.

Never Spoken

Over the course of a year or more, some time ago, I jotted down these quick individual notes about someone in a notebook. It wasn't until today that I found them. 

The moments come back to me in pieces. 

Sometimes it feels like there's a movie playing 

out in my own head. I've known you for more years 

than I can remember, but it hasn't been until now that 

I've really felt like I know you. 

Growing up I always felt that you saw past me 

rather than seeing me; mostly my own perception 

of how I saw myself, I'm sure. I watched you live 

and every time I did it was painful. 

I always feared for you because you 

knew how to enjoy your life, 

but I worried that fun would take you away. 

I always saw amazing potential in you. 

I still do. 

 

Years, time, and distance were things 

that happened, almost without really realizing it. 

And then there you were again. And just like 

when we were young, just like in high school, 

just like today, my heart beats again when you are near. 

 

I remember a time we were going to the movies, 

like we always do, and in your empty and clean 

backseat sat a Bible. We hadn't yet shared a kiss, 

but in that moment, I could have kissed you 

for the rest of the night. 

 

Every time you put on your glasses, 

usually to drive, I have to fight 

the flood of emotions I feel for you. 

Everything you do I find makes you 

more attractive to me and I like it. 

 

I adore you. 

I just simply do. 

And I tell you without 

telling you too much. 

 

You are so profoundly 

intellectually stimulating, 

while also being my safe and quiet place 

if I need be. 

 

Being your guest out at public events is delightful. 

It may be a lot of the fact that we get along well 

and I enjoy time with you but you're very attentive 

and courteous to me. 

 

You & me, 

we jive well.

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to 

adequately express not only how much 

I hoped your life turned out well, 

but also how proud of you for the 

person you've become. 

How often is it that the things we think, we actually say?

 

The grammar isn't up to par but doesn't need to be when notes are taken in moments of remembrance. I didn't alter any of it to make myself look better, instead I left them as they are as a lesson for myself and others. Our feelings, good or bad, left unsaid, leave us in states of wonderment. 

It was everything that she never said. 

Reflection or Deflection?

Lucille Ball once said, "One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."

Tonight I had a very perplexing and challenging conversation with a friend that in the beginning lead me down a dark path about my own life that I didn't want to be on, only to find out I was right and had no business to be there. I want to break down the screenshots of the conversation, not to out said friend, but to point out some very important life lessons. I've concealed their identity for their sake. 

<----  Here's kind of where it all started. There obviously is small talk before this but this is where the conversation got "interesting" for a lack of a better word. I'm not entirely sure how they went from my daughter coming home to me being unhappy. I promise nothing had been said prior to this other than the fact that we were heading home after I worked today. 

One of the largest things that bothers me about friendships is that if you want to start a conversation, especially one of intense caliber, don't just quickly bow out when questions get asked of you. Own your shit. If you want to talk, if you're concerned about someone, or if you really want to say something own it. Ask, speak, and follow thru!

  <---- Here's where it picked up again and where it really started stirring my emotions. The first observation of my life, being "hectic but working on it" felt like an insult. It also was the first rabbit hole for me. 

Was this how people are viewing my life? Is this why I'm single? Is this ultimately my turnoff to men?? Rabbit hole!

This rabbit hole became deep and quick. It was stirring up thoughts and emotions that aren't allowed to rent space in my head any longer. I know who I am, why am I allowing comments like these to infiltrate the goodness of who I am at my core?

----> Wait a minute!! When the hell did I say that I wasn't settled?! I mean sure you could see it that way, and I could see it that way but my life not being settled has more to do with my back story of being a prisoner under my ex than it does with anything else. I feel like the "same observation" comparison is just a wee bit off base. 

 And about right here is where I took back control. I took back control of the conversation but also on the viewpoint of my life. This is MY life, and no one gets to dictate how good or bad it is except for me. Also rest assured that if you're going to use vocabulary, or descriptive words, you better be damn sure you're using them in the correct context or I'll be right on your ass to correct you. 

And it's the truth, I enjoy busy as much as I enjoy quiet. If you knew me, you'd know that. 

<---- Again, let me reign in this conversation because I don't like it one bit. Right about here is my mic drop. 

Also in the meantime, I'm reaching out to other friends who know me quiet well, as well as new friends just to see if in fact my life from the outside seems hectic. Maybe by chance I am missing the bigger picture. (Don't worry, I wasn't.) What I was learning from my other friends was that yes, I am in fact busy, but that doesn't qualify as a bad thing. Also that could it be possible that this friend in the conversation is actually in fact unhappy in their own life, and they're projecting that upon me? Why would someone do that? Was it worth finding out?

----> I was completely dumbfounded by someone telling a mother, a single mother that they can fail. I can't fathom the logic behind that. If I fail, who is there for my daughter? Who shows here what resilience, perseverance, and being strong are about? 








It was most certainly worth finding out.

<---- And here is where the truth in the whole conversation was sitting. Right there the whole time. They are unhappy in their life, and they were imposing it upon me for whatever reason. There wasn't a reflection in their mirror of life, but actually a deflection. And in that are grave consequences. 

Very quickly after I confronted the true issue, as you can see, the conversation was abruptly ended. 

I worry now for this friend. I don't want to see them unhappy or not content with their life. I also am sad that they couldn't answer as to why they were. I know that anxiety of life and the discontent. I'm not saying I'm not ever there, but I certainly do my best never to take up residence there. I pray for peace for this soul. I also hope that when they feel comfortable confronting their own struggles without assuming mine, that they'll reach out again and know that I am here for them and their struggles.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/l/lucillebal121868.html?src=t_busy