The perfection of loving your body

I would love to tell my teenage self that the day will come when I will love my body. That my existence and my worth are not measured by the numbers on a scale. I want to tell her that constantly comparing myself to others is the most effective way to destroy myself and keep me from ever evolving, ever loving, and ever succeeding in most areas of my life. I want to tell her that controlling eating disorders is not something to be proud of but instead control things that will positively influence my life. Run, walk, climb; do anything other than kill yourself with the toxicity of never being able to reach "perfection" which doesn't at all exist. 

I don't know if it's a 'coming to age' in your thirties, I don't know if it's something about raising a preteen girl, but whatever the case may be, I have found that I love my body. A little over a year ago, I weighed less than I ever have and I accomplished it in a healthy manner. Today, I weigh more than I ever have and I'm getting back on track to bringing that number down some. The key to both those points in my life is that heavy or light, I love my body. My self image isn't perfect, there are of course things I'd like to change, but I don't destroy myself with the thoughts that I had for years upon years. I don't make myself miserable or those around me because I'm fighting off demons inside. 

For years I let demons control me, which in turn allowed me to control the only thing I thought I could; my weight and my food. I then let baggage from a controlling ex control me for years, I let the fear, the intimidation, and the abuse control me. Not a whole lot of my life is a secret to those close to me, I cannot be ashamed of where I've been. There's been reasons for it all. The greatest of this is as I get older, those things don't control me anymore. Outside forces will not force me into being someone I am not meant to be. 

There is no perfect body, there are no perfect boobs, there isn't a perfect relationship, and there is no perfect family. The only perfection in life that you can achieve is loving you for exactly who you are; who you are in this moment, who you will be next week, and who you will be a year from now. No matter how you may change, as long as you're changing for the better, that is what's perfect in life. The perfection of loving yourself. 

I know that my daughter struggles with how she looks. I know some of this has to do with family, I know some of this has to do with age, I know some of it has to do with school, and I know some of it has to do with society. However, that child will always be perfect to me. She is beautiful and loved, and there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't remind her of that. I know I can't stop the world from pressuring down on her, but I can be here to continually build her up so that she will love herself long before she reaches her thirties.

What do you mean when you say 'baby'?

I think when you hit a certain age, I'd say the age of about right now, the word baby needs to be reviewed. I can't say whether men or women are more at fault for the misuse of this word, but I see it all too often enough that we should talk about it.

I'm in my thirties as most of my friends are, some are nearing forty if they're not looking, however when I see a photo or I'm introduced to someone and you lead with, "This is my baby", I feel the incessant need to just walk away. I don't know if you're introducing me to your child who is either a teenager or coming close or if you're introducing me to your significant other. Kids these days look older than they should because society is forcing them to grow up before it's time for them to, as well as there's the fact that we're old.

If that's your child, by all means follow up with, "Well he/she isn't such a baby anymore". If that's your significant other, PLEASE just don't. The pet name of baby isn't a bad one in itself, it's a kind term of endearment but as an introductory piece, it should probably be avoided. Introducing someone and tagging them with a title is a case by case basis. I'm one who personally doesn't need a title to know who I am, there are others though that implode if they aren't given one. One however, does not need the title of baby as a leading role. 

When women push to look younger and girls push to look older, it's understandable how lines can get crossed. The line I don't want you to cross is being an adult dating a child. Which is exactly what I think when your introductory is "baby". If we all must conform to labels, let us at least agree to keep the labels accurate if possible.  

When You See the Sun Coming

Success is defined by the goals you set for yourself. Success is accomplished when you hold steadfast and have the patience to allow things to change. It takes a split second to rip your life apart, but the length of time it takes to put it back together is infinite. My life for years was in such a deplorable state, that admitting to it would be an embarrassment of epic proportions. I won't say I didn't have fun, but that fun came at a cost.

When I decided to be sober my driving force was the fact that I couldn't handle my grief, not only could I not handle it but I wasn't dealing with it at all. I was only drinking to bury the pain, which would only resurface by the time the sun was up the next day. My drinking manifested itself which in turn did damage not just to my life but to my daughter's. I was failing her when I fought so hard since the day she was born to never do such a thing. I knew getting sober wasn't going to heal the pain I felt, but I knew I needed to rip off the band-aid and let that open wound heal itself, no matter how long that took. 

People still can't wrap their heads around why I wouldn't want to drink, but dawn is coming upon my life and although the outside doesn't understand it, it's the inside that really matters. I needed to heal, I needed to heal more than just the pain from my grief; I needed to heal my heart from men breaking it, I needed to heal my soul from selling it to the highest bidder, I needed to heal my mind from the intoxication's of pharmaceuticals, I needed to heal from the rumors, heal my reputation, and heal from impulses. There was a lot on my plate that I was neglecting, and so that is some of the reason why I don't drink. 

The thing about life is there is a ripple effect. When you drop a tiny pebble what you may not realize is that the ripple effect could go on for years. So often we forget that before we act. Things are getting better and while it's taking time, I know that so long as I keep my focus and I keep moving forward, that eventually the ripple will calm. 

Today was a revelation in my grief. It was as if there was a whisper to my soul that said, "it's okay", in the calmest of fashions. It was a moment in which I knew the real healing was about to begin. Jeremy's cause of death was ADR; adverse drug reaction. 

Adverse:

adjective preventing success or development; harmful; unfavorable.

 

An adverse drug reaction (ADR) is an injury caused by taking a medication. ADR may occur following a single dose or prolonged administration of a drug or result from the combination of two or more drugs.

 

Do you know that there's actually an antibiotic out there in which it closes up my throat? Do you know that ADR could also be listed as my cause of death over something that I can be prescribed. There's a messed up moment for you. 

I almost wonder if I had cleaned up sooner if I could have saved him, again. I don't feel the guilt that should be tied to that statement, but I do feel the curiosity. While Jeremy struggled with a lot, I think his greatest struggle was like mine, there was just too much cross traffic going on inside his body to know which way to go. Before he died, he was making a good effort at trying to stay away from heroin but if you need to know anything, know that there is very little one can do to escape it's grip. At the time of death, his system contained small traces of nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, and heroin. Heroin is at the end of the day the killer, but all it took was one single last, small dose. 

It's okay to tell the would to F off so that you can heal yourself, because those that understand it will still be there. Those that watch you come back from the ashes, are the ones who were given to you for a reason. While my heart will always hurt from losing him, the wound is healing so that I can learn to love again; to love myself and to be able to want to find love.

Today on FB - Nope!

Would you please STOP airing your dirty laundry on social media! No one wants to hear you drag your spouse or partner through the mud anymore. You are a grown ass adult, it's about time you act like it. Not to mention, may I please point out that I don't know how you could find someone to replace said person when you have the kind of character that shows no respect for someone you choose to be with, and you can't just be an adult and move on from something you're not happy with. 

 

The fact that one week everything is great, you're vacationing, moving in together, or having a baby and then the next week, you would think the person you're railing publicly, burned your house down with your dog inside. Calm down already. Stop doing this back and forth, and not just for weeks but for months on end. It's probably the most unflattering thing you could be doing in your life. 

If he beats you and then buys you jewelry, be sure that he will beat you again. 

If she cheats on you but then gives you a baby, be sure she will cheat on you again. 

I can't log onto Facebook anymore without seeing multiple relationship status updates that I would be embarrassed to post in my adult life. Now to be clear, I have absolutely done it in the past, but I will for sure not continue to do so as I grow older. I'm personally embarrassed for shaming my ex's and I would apologize till days end if they would listen, I also know that as I continued to get older and had relationships end, I won't say terrible things about some because I know that with the good comes the bad. Ultimately no one is perfect and the fact that you have so many problems that you need to air out for all your friends to see could be a result of you, not them. 

While we're here, I would also like to make a request for people to stop complaining about their children online. In this digital age, there will probably come a point where your children will see all the crap "jokes" you put out there about them, and ultimately all your complaints. You chose to bring them into the world, it's now your job to man up and be a good parent. Be the type of parent you want them to be to your grandchildren, be the caregiver that you want them to be to you when you're too old to take care of yourself, be 1,000 percent less selfish and realize that your children come first before your need for girls/guys nights, sleep, or going to the bars. 

I have tried at least a few times to either trade my child or sell her on the black market as jokes but out of frustration, and as I've said prior I've aired my dirty laundry when I shouldn't have. No one is perfect, the problem that I'm seeing though is that some people continue to age numerically but still stay the same with the mentality of a high school student. What are you doing if you're not striving to be better than you were yesterday or a year ago? Who do you want to be to the people around you? At the end of the line, how do you want to be remembered by people?

Knock it off, grow up, and share things that will draw people closer to you rather than push them away. I would delete Facebook if I could, except I have some great friends that share some great things that I wouldn't see as much of otherwise. Keep up the happy marriages, partnerships, and friendships. For the day you will die is unknown, don't let your complaining be what you leave as your legacy.

Pandicorn

I may not have gotten chocolates, flowers, or even a card for Valentine's Day of 2016 but I did get a day filled with a lot of joy; and a really big dead spider that I took a shower with. He's on my Instagram. For a day that's been so hard for three years for me, today and this weekend have been good. Delila and I have kept busy and we've enjoyed doing so while also remembering Jeremy.

Today I spent the day with Delila and her bff Caroline. After a sleepover here, we headed out into the endless snow to Chipotle and then against all better judgement, to the mall. The roads weren't great at all but I already told the girls we'd go. It was a day for Painted Penguin. Delila has been many times but this was my first time. Who knew that painting this little ceramic thing would calm me so much.  It also helps to laugh at these Snapchat obsessed girls who compliment each others personalities so well! They are my Pandicorn.

There is no greater joy for me than spending time with my daughter, with and without her friends, and watching her grow up. She's such an incredible person who I'm lucky to be a parent to. 

I am very much looking forward to the things to come this year. Hopefully the first is that I won't have to see or feel anymore cold air and snow. For those that reached out to me yesterday on Jeremy's anniversary, thank you, I love you and your kind words mean more than I could say. To know that someone is thinking about you is probably one of the greatest feelings, and it's a very humbling feeling. I hope that your weekend was a good one, and if it wasn't, I hope there was a least one shining moment that really made your heart smile. 

I adore you. 

My 1st Painted Penguin

If you Hold on for One more Day

As a parent there are those moments, when you're child shines so bright that you forget that there was any darkness ever in your life. Tonight Delila asked if she could have a sleepover this weekend with a friend. She caught me on the tail end of dozing off but while that wasn't the important part, what was is that I don't hinder my daughter's life with the pain and experiences that I carry around. I asked her if I could let her friend know tomorrow as I was tired tonight, I also said it may not be a good weekend as it's Uncle Jeremy's anniversary and it's Valentine's Day. Her response was short, "I'll tell her no." As it unfolds she says, "well mom it's Uncle Jeremy's anniversary and I don't want to have my friend over if you want to do stuff like we did last year. And I forgot it was V-day." In writing, it's a basic acknowledgment but in her voice, in her tone, and from her mouth to my ears, it was filled with comfort, compassion, and more love than any one person could hope for.

All the things in life that I want Delila to learn and understand to make her into a good and wholesome adult are already there within her. She knows how incredibly important Jeremy is to me and she knows how much I miss him even now, three years later. I can't tell you how incredibly proud she made me with that small sacrifice of not seeing a friend this weekend and instead spending it with me and celebrating her Uncle. It is by no means, a pleasant or wonderful, or lovey dovey weekend for me personally, however Delila has taught me that her love and her life are my reason to smile through the pain and tears.

Watching Grey's Anatomy is usually a tear fest anyhow, but watching it tonight hits far too close to home. I wonder if it's because for three years I've missed my cues from God and from Jeremy to be okay, to not be sad, and to find a way to heal. Watching tonight there was this scene that particularly stood out. It's very hard to forgive Jeremy for dying too soon, and to forgive myself for hating him for dying too soon. While he meant more to me than I've ever been able to put into words, I also hold a lot of anger because he left, because he's not here, and because I wanted to see more out of his life than just the 30 years I got with him.

Whomever you have, hug them, love them, cherish them, and forgive them before they're gone. Before it's too late, before the things you have said or want to say, become whispers in the wind. Jeremy knew the importance he held in my life, he knew I loved him; those things were never short on my end to him, so that makes it all that much harder to forgive.

In.so.mania

I can't sleep tonight because you're with me. You're in my heart, you're in my mind, you're in the darkness behind my closed eyes. Sleep still scares me although I do my best, what I can't control is the brokenness. 

I shouldn't have to think this hard to hear your voice. I'd give anything for one more word, one more moment, where you wouldn't let me be this broken. The days move in slow motion, each minute ticks by with every lingering memory that I keep deep inside. Every laugh we shared, every punch we threw, every fight we had, every secret we kept, and every moment we loved I always knew you were there. 

I never for once took any moment for granted. I always knew it wouldn't last forever, but I pushed it aside and always begged God to let us have you instead. 

My favorite person lost. My favorite brother gone. 3 is no longer my favorite number. I now dread February instead of making it my Christmas. A month for my broken heart, a holiday with no meaning, and another not worth celebrating. 

I can't imagine the peace you have, if you sent me even just the smallest piece of that, I'd try to not be so broken.