Bah

There are no Christmas wishes to come true. Why do people say, "I hope you got everything you wished for"? I'm single, in my thirties, there aren't wishes. Only hard work and buying myself my want list items. 

I really only asked for one possible gift this year. A book, a $19.99 + shipping, book. I asked for it in November if not sooner. It was the only practical thing I wanted. And by practical I mean, not asking for my brother or a good and decent man to date. 

I didn't get said book. I didn't get said book or a Merry Christmas from my daughter. Frankly my heart is sad. I try so hard to be in a merry spirit for the holiday but it flops. Yesterday at my mom's Christmas my sister ignored my daughter and didn't buy her a gift. Today at my dad's, my daughter doesn't want to go because she's sick and my nieces won't be there. Delila is going anyway because it's Christmas and she won't have her Papa forever. 

Now while I'm quite bummed about the book, because yes I can just buy it for myself which I will, it shows me that people just no longer put any real thought into gift giving. I will say though, that I adore those who thought about me today, who text me and sent their good tidings my way. 

My daughter has arrived for my Christmas with her. I hope you all enjoy your days. 

Indeed

There seems to be some great confusion about some things in life, and I'd like to take few moments to clear just a few of them up. Now, I know that several of these will come to a shock for many but it will be okay and we'll work through it together. And by the end, I hope you'll leave more comfortable with some true facts and your life won't be effected too bad from them. Let's dive right in.

This first one is a current topic and very important; Christmas doesn't sneak up on us. What?! I know, it's so incredible hard to believe that one. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in...... okay. So while I know this is a surprise to some of you I'll help you through it. Here's how you know when Christmas is coming:

• The first recorded date for Christmas was around 336 AD - AD!! It's now 2015 so for a REALLY long time it's been happening and so far, it's always been on December 25 for all of us. I can't make any promises for that date for next year though, so stay alert.
• Thanksgiving happens, and by Thanksgiving, I really mean Christmas is shoved in your face. Stores, radios, your families or friends, they all start putting it out there. Let's not forget the all faithful Black Friday that gives you that first really loud warning that Christmas is coming. It's kind of the Code Red for the holiday season. 
• And for many, it's cold. When it gets cold you can be sure Christmas is getting closer. 
• Lights
• Trees
• Music
• Christmas cards in the mail..... 

There really are some very great indications that Christmas is coming so when you tell someone you aren't ready, you can't afford to hang out "right before" Christmas, or that you can't afford to purchase absolutely ANYTHING, your reasons almost become invalid. Now let me also throw a disclaimer out there for all my Devil's Advocates, I know, eeeeeveryone has different circumstances that happen for them, and I am absolutely NO stranger to the struggle, but one must learn to plan and to live within means. Also, if you can spend money all year on recreational fun i.e. things I won't mention, you too can plan ahead for Christmas.

Okay next, one of my favorite sayings is, "I, myself, am entirely made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." I have never, and don't ever want to tell anyone nor even think that I am better than anyone else. I am the furthest thing from being perfect, that the only thing I've perfected is being flawed. So when someone says to me things like, 

you're always so right 

or 

you're better than me

 or 

oh you're so perfect

 or 

you're better than everyone else; 

all sarcastically of course, it puts the greatest look of confusion on my face. Let me reiterate, I ... am ... the-most-imperfect-person-ever! My faults are so great that people still like to gossip about things I've done wrong 15 years ago, if not more. The only person that I am better than, is the person I was yesterday. I am so incredibly confused as to why anyone in their right mind would actually think I'm better than them, or think that I think that I'm better than them. I only want to be a better me, to me and my child. 

Let's try another; your television characters to your favorite shows, aren't real. !!! Now not to be confusing, the people playing said characters are real, but whom they are portraying, that character isn't real. So when the scenario on television changes, you can't attack the REAL person in REAL life, because again, they aren't who you think they are on screen. And while we're here, the characters in your books; GASP what's a book?! If you read, those characters also aren't real, and to really throw you for a loop, the character in the book isn't the character on the screen who is played by the person who isn't either that character on screen NOR the character in the book. 

One last one; if you're gainfully employed, you were hired to do a job and said job I can bet, isn't to sit and complain about having to do your job. Complaints in the workplace are completely understandable, but in perspective, if your days are spent more on complaining and/or avoiding work than it is producing actual work via your job description, you need to go home. Right away, just leave. Also, it's work, where grown ups go to make a living; please for all that is good in the world, do not confuse the workplace for neither the playground nor high school. 

Alright, that's enough for tonight. I know this was a heavy one but I felt like some of it just needed to be cleared up, and I hope it's helped out at least some. I wanted to title this one "Did You Drop Kick Your Common Sense?" but I felt like the context was enough to not be a jerk in the title as well.

If Tomorrow Never Came

My coworkers say I seem crabby lately, which I didn't think I was. And while yes, I'm tired of dealing with grown children at work, I guess I'm also pretty crabby because I have to celebrate my brother's 36th birthday without him. Another birthday, another Christmas, another damn year without him. Saturday night I was in bed by 5 pm and it was great, until about 9 pm when things got real. My mind started to wonder about the days when I would drink. How drinking now would help with forgetting how broken my heart truly is still. I was remembering the fun I use to have while drinking and how I was invited out by so many "friends". And then as the thoughts kept evolving, I started crying.

I started crying which wasn't just tears but a full on panic attack. I cried because I know that all of those people that I hung out with and who no longer invite me because I don't drink, aren't really my friends. I started to cry because while drinking till I blacked out sounds good, if I did and sobered up, reality would still be waiting right by my bedside for me. I cried because I don't know how to get through his birthday, his anniversary, or my birthday; seriously, I don't know how to get through it. I cry now as I write this because I literally just had one contact pop out, but also because I'm pissed and sad and I miss him more than anything else I've ever known.

I saw this art below of this girl weeks ago, and for weeks, this is how I felt on the inside but more how I felt I looked to the outside world.  I see such beauty in the art but I also see the depth of it too.

Tomorrow I have to work, then I'll come home to do mom things and laundry and I'll go to bed, all alone, just me and my broken soul. Delila catches me crying at random times, when she asks me if my life would be different if Uncle Jeremy were still here, or whenever reality just creeps in on me; all of which I try to play off like it's no big deal.

Please understand, I really am grateful for my life a majority of the year, and there's times I can feel my heart beating again. So please don't let my light be dimmed by the pain I still feel. But there are also times of the year when Jeremy's presence is missed so much that it's just an all consuming feeling. I adore some of the most valuable people in my life, and I am never short on telling them so. I don't ever want anyone to feel like they weren't important to me nor that they aren't amazing.

I always wonder about what would happen if tomorrow never came for me, and while some day it will happen to each of us, while we're here we need support, encourage, and be positive lights in each others lives.

There will come a day that missing Jeremy won't hurt so bad, at least I think so. I hope there will also be a day where the depth of how great he was outweighs the event of his death. I've never had someone love and protect me as much as he did, and those are just a couple of the very long list of things I miss about him.

Ten Seconds to Okay

I thoroughly enjoy things in their simplest form. I developed this enjoyment after Jeremy died. Once my bottom fell out, I didn't know how to do anything. I didn't know how to do basic things, how to take care of myself anymore, nor how to take care of anyone else. I couldn't even fathom eating or breathing. So I needed to break things down, everything, into their simplest form.

It started with my name, at first just my first name, then I worked my way up. I got to my age, and my date of birth. "I am a mom. My name is Sarah, I am a mom, I am here." It took days to build this list. "My name is Sarah, I am a mom, I'm here, I'm alive." I don't think I even knew when I was able to utter the words, I am okay. That was a hard one to tell myself. However, breaking everything down into it's simplest form helped me function again, and it helped me be able to at least wrap my brain around the whole situation. Not only that but it helped me greatly to appreciate when things don't have to be and aren't complicated.

Tonight I was able to do something, which seems like it would be very simple to most, except those closest to me know I've struggled so hard with being able to do this. I was able to openly talk about Jeremy without a steady stream of tears. This is especially hard as his birthday is almost here. Things aren't complicated when you can relate to someone, on a very personal level. When you share a similar loss, a similar struggle, and a similar goal, the complications seem to be nonexistent. I still feel a flood of tears hiding behind the dam I try to keep up, which will inevitable break at some point, but for now, a small step, a simple step. Talk about my loss without losing it all.

I've had two good friends that keep checking on me to make sure I'm doing okay, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate them. Their prayers and/or genuine concern are irreplaceable. I'd love to feel safe enough to let someone see me cry, but for now, I take comfort in feeling like there's someone who could really understand it. Everyone is different, everyone processes loss differently, and everyone grieves differently; the only thing that's the same, is that we all do it one way or another. Just remember, you can do anything for ten seconds, and if you can make it through these ten seconds, you can make it through the next ten seconds.

Facepalm Official

I'm sorry that I was one of those "look at my relationship" people on Facebook all this time. In my defense, I was actually doing it in pure intentions. For those that continue to parade their relationships, here's what you don't know about them, or what their partners don't know. 

〰 He asked me out on a date one week before you two went Facebook official. 

〰 When you aren't around, he contacts me, in the most inappropriate ways. 

〰 She tells everyone the marriage is over, when clearly it's not. 

〰 When she drinks, she's single. 

〰 We were still together apparently when you two were still together. 

〰 She says pretty rotten things about you. 

〰 He begs me to be his side chick. No matter how many times I say no.

〰 She publicly shames you. 

Whether these relationships last or don't last aren't my concern. I just hate being a keeper of secrets. Though some of these instances are out in the open. Having self respect is extremely important, just as important as being aware of red flags in your relationship. 

When something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Putting God first and as your focus for the both of you will benefit you as well. And by all means, do not allow anyone to disrespect you or make you feel like you can't survive without them. You can, and you will. 

 

Dead Battery

There are so many things that I miss in my life, so many so that I'm not sure one overcomes another, other than missing Jeremy. However there is one person I miss more than I say and it seems like for all the time we had together great moments were mostly what we had. 

I miss having a safe place. I miss having so much in common. I miss having intellectual conversations. I miss our understandings. I miss being picked up when I fall to pieces. I miss nights of hot tea and great tv. I miss hugs and holds. I miss my friend in it all and so much more. 

I'm left to being strong even when I'm not. I'm left to memories that can last me my life. I can't make time undo the course it ran, I can only hope that you too hold on to all that we had.

High Speed Mixer

I am having a day or week, really it's going to be a few months, of very mixed emotions. I feel so raw that honestly, tonight I'm thinking about heading to the bar. 7 months and 19 days sober and I just want convince myself that a little bit won't hurt. Ignorance and denial at it's best.

In with the good. Today was amazing and the amount of pride that I feel for myself and Delila is insurmountable. I know, it's only a 5k, but it's something that I have wanted to do for so long but I always talked myself out of it. I've never been a runner and doing something like this actually gave me a lot of anxiety. If it weren't for my doll, April, I would have backed out of doing it. Actually I was planning on it, until she said she bought her tickets, then I knew I couldn't. Driving into the city today my anxiety started kicking in, some to do with - I always have a little anxiety going into the city which passes when I'm there, some because I always remember Jeremy's last words about the city, and some because I was going to do something completely new.

After 2 miles, Delila was wearing thin. She wanted to sit, but she pushed thru; I let her and the other girls lag a little behind and walk the rest as April and I took a little of a lead ahead of them. As I crossed the finish line, I probably could have and almost did break down and cry just in sheer pride of myself for doing something outside of my comfort zone. Little accomplishments in life are so much more rewarding for me, especially when they're accomplishments that people don't know I'm doing. Delila has already asked when we can do more because she had so much fun, which is very pleasing to hear.

Out with the bad. Jeremy's birthday is a little more than a week away and the desire to drink and drown my thoughts and pain is pretty soul consuming. I want to cry, almost all the time. I don't know how anyone has handled his death over the years but I'm very much still in the moment. It's not a reality that I've yet grown accustomed to yet, nor do I really want to. After his birthday is Christmas, then his daughter's birthday, and before you know it, his anniversary. Jeremy was a constant for me, I always knew that no matter what he would always be there. Even in questioning times, even when he floated close to the edge of death before, I still just ..... we had an agreement that he couldn't leave. He wasn't supposed to leave!!

On Tuesday, I will be at a wake for a very close friend of mine, who lost his mom last week. I will be there, and although I will probably be a complete disaster because my grief is still so consuming, if he needs me, I will be there. He was there for me during Jeremy's wake and we've been through plenty of others together. I know he'll have plenty of support, but if we don't have our constants, what are we. 

Etch a Sketch of Desire

Last time I stood in the mirror, I'm almost sure I didn't look like a revolving door. I'm also sure I didn't look like a news stand on the corner of a busy intersection. So at what point, or what year, did it become acceptable to treat people like conveniences? When did anyone learn that it's okay to be with someone, bond with someone, get deep with someone, and then just walk away; only to come back and walk away again, and continue on that routine. People aren't like an Etch-a-Sketch. You can't create the picture you want to, make it go away, and then make it come back when you want it to. Life doesn't work like that, and frankly you're a jerk if you think it does.

For years, I put myself through being a convenience for guys. I was lacking something within myself that I was so desperate for love, that I thought if I allowed that behavior that it would show that I'm flexible and therefore, lovable. I also would accept love in just about any fashion that I could get it. Which is actually very disgusting behavior; but again, it's where I came from and it's what has lead me here and now, to write for you.

I could exhume the past, all the way back to when I was very small, but this isn't therapy and doing so is not really a good resource of my time. But when someone lacks the love they should have and need to have for themselves, they search for it most of the time in the most awful of ways. It wasn't until I took a real hard look at myself and when I made the decision to clean myself up and sober up, that I finally fell in love with who I am.

I still have a few lingering past relationships that seem to still think I'll just be there when they call, but I'm not that person. I'm not that weak, and I don't have my head in the sand like I use to.

When you lead someone on, when you cross lines of having sex, when you build something and bond with someone, and then just stop; that other person doesn't just go away. Here's the thing, and I'm not here to just attack guys because ladies are just as guilty. Know what you want. If you want someone, commit to it, work through it, and stick it out even when you have doubts or get spooked. Life and relationships aren't meant to be easy, heck work, kids, pets; nothing is easy. Things take work and dedication. You can't lose weight by not working towards it, same as you can't have a partner who loves you if you're not working towards it.

I don't feel alone or unloved anymore. I'm still single and I've been single all year, which is quite an adult thing for me to do and actually may just be a first, but I've found myself. I've found how to enjoy life without making it muddy or blacking out and forgetting parts of it. I've found enjoyment in things that you wouldn't even begin to understand. Sure a part of me would enjoy having a healthy, faith filled, steady relationship, but God is still teaching me a lot of things and until he's done teaching me, I'm rocking me, just the way that I am.

Below is so much beyond my favorite, that I even tattooed verse 9 on my arm to see every day, to remind me that this is where Jesus wants me to be, and wants us to be. 

With every purchase you get a FREE soul!

Being an independent consultant for a company isn't a bad thing, I was one years ago for both Avon and Partylite. If you have sold your soul in exchange for pushing your product, we should probably talk.

Currently on my Facebook page I think I have at the minimum of 8 people who are independent consultants for various companies, and that's on the light side as I know I'm leaving some people out. I'm pretty concerned that they've all sold their souls to multiple customers. I'm kidding, but I am finding it becomes incredibly difficult to maintain friendships with independent consultants because you may want to catch up with them but somehow, they always end up selling you something or trying to get you to sell with them.

There is a very fine balance between selling your product and keeping your name out there to make money, and putting it aside to just be present with your friends. You need to know your audience, more importantly, you need to know your friends. I adore small businesses, some amazing products come from small businesses, and that's where everyone starts, so by no means am I saying don't do it or don't make a living, just calm the nut tree down a little.

Today in fact I made the jump into another friends business whom went above and beyond for me. It meant more to me than I would even be able to put into words right now because life is so busy that I hardly find time for the basics like food or bathroom breaks - seriously.  However, when a friend has a genuine passion for what they sell or when they really are committed to being a true friend and working with you, then your investment into their product is also an investment into their future because you want to see them succeed and do well.

I wish you well, I want to see you do well; just remember to cherish your friendships before your pursuit for money and success.

Like a Dollar

Music is a powerful gift and comes in so many different forms and languages, as Adele puts out a new song, 'Hello', it says a lot. As I'm sure it will get old quickly as most overplayed things do, but at the moment, for anyone who connects to it and can understand it, the amount of remorse that is amplified within that song is what so many not only feel, but also want to hear from someone. I've seen that most people love the song, understandably so, with a few that just don't like it.

For those that don't like it, I wonder about them. I wonder what guilt they're trying to run away from. What apologies that should give, or what apologies they're denying they'd want to hear. It's completely unfair to let someone fall for you and then just simply walk away from them. That's a total mistreatment of another soul. To be an adult, is to explain yourself, to apologize for your wrongdoings, and to ask for forgiveness. I personally have had to apologize to people I have wronged; sometimes they accept it, sometimes they just ignore me. That's something they need to deal with within themselves, I however have cleared my guilt for hurting someone. As I should, because it's wrong.

What angers me though is when you knowingly deceive someone to gain an advantage with them. You may use the past you've had with them to play into their want to have a future with you, you may use they're interests, passions, or faith to get your foot in the door; whatever it may be, it's wrong to use someone and then just simply walk away from them only because you had something inside you short circuit and it was nothing that that other person did. I am terribly hard on myself when I fall for someone, I let them in, and then just out of nowhere they walk away; only to come back at some other time to tell me that they short circuited. I mean...your bad? I don't know what to say to that; if you did it once, in some cases more than once, you'll do it again. I don't want that, I don't want that uncertainty looming over me constantly.

Being right with myself, with my Lord, and with my past is what I've been working really hard on. I'm embarrassed of where I've come from and the things I've done. But that's exactly how I know that I've grown up too, and I've grown as a person, and I've grown as a woman. My past was shameful, but I've learned from it and I want to be better than it, even more, I want to be someone whom my daughter admires.

I know my true friends would like to see me find someone, I mean heck I'd like to find someone; cuddles aren't so great in a bed of one. But for the time, my life is still really good. I have great things to look forward to, one especially being Delila's future as we've started talking about colleges. If and when my time comes for someone special, I'll promise you this, it will be great and it will be cherished, but it has to be right by God.

Single isn't so bad, you can still have companionship without being in a relationship, and frankly, I've got some great companionship's with my friends. 

Osage

It's so easy to razz someone when you know nothing about who they are. I don't like traditional holidays, I haven't for some time now, but when Jeremy died, that was the breaking point for me. Not only does no one really know what most holidays are even about, but for 11 years I've had to fight with an ex over time with our daughter; he feels he should have her every holiday for the entire day without any contact with me, and now, let's be honest, I want my effin brother! That's all I want, that's all I ever want, all the time. When someone complains about something so completely irrelevant to real problems, all I want to say is 'well I want my brother back, life is what it is'.

You may think I'm trying to make a statement or what have you, but in reality, I'm usually alone on holidays, even if I'm with people. When you lose someone so incredibly close to you, your entire existence changes. Talking to my mom last night, she asked what my plans were and when I said nothing she said, well you can come up here but I won't be home most of the day. Um, hey thanks...?

Don't get me wrong, I do partake in the traditional holidays as almost everyone does, I just do it on my own time. Dinner was at my mom's last weekend, and this weekend is at my dad's. I want to be me, and not be forced into a position or crowd just to make it easier for everyone else. Even in high school, I "fought" against being herded into class rooms like cattle.

It's not about being difficult or breaking rules, it's just that I like to make my own path in life. And there is nothing wrong with that. You can be an individual without making a negative impact on the world.

I don't think stores that are open on Thanksgiving 'hate families', I think it's good for people who may not have families, who may be alone, who may not have plans and still want to feel like a normal person when they aren't partaking in what events most people are. Everyone comes from a different life, everyone has different circumstances surrounding them, and not everyone has the exact same thing going for them as the next.

So when you're sitting around the table, when you're teaching your kids, when you're being gluttonous, do you know why you get to do that? Do you know how you got to have the day off work and do you know what you're "thankful" for? Columbus stumbled upon North America because he was lost, and when he saw the Native Americans he called them Indians because he thought he was in India. Columbus wasn't looking for it, he was a man, who was lost, and took what wasn't his.

Against the grain

Seven months I've been on the wagon, and I think I'm finally at the stage where I'm okay with it. I spend more time giving people my questionable face than I do giving them my wanting face. I'm not in the least bit sorry for people feeling uncomfortable around me for the last 7 months, and I'm not the least bit sorry that they've missed out on my life because they can't find the balance of hanging out because I don't drink anymore.

I am finding though that people are now at the point where it's 'time for me to start drinking again' per their schedules. The offers for my favorites and the ideas that I'd like to 'hang out' at a bar are becoming common place again. I'm not sure where these people have been, except right next to me, but this isn't the 7 inning stretch or the 7 year itch (see what I did there), I'm good; actually I'm great not drinking. The only thing that I am finding hard to maneuver is actual dating. Do you realize that almost every single person drinks, and almost to excess? Probably not because you might be one of them. It's cool though, to each their own; I am not here to judge anyone.

The same as I don't want to be with someone who smokes, I don't want to be with someone who drinks. It's just a crutch that I'm willing to walk away from in my life, and the temptation of having it around is something I just don't want. I now understand why sparks from the past didn't develop with people who I knew that didn't drink while I did.

Society and the media has us so warped to thinking that to survive, to deal, to socialize, and to function, we must drink. Take paint nights for example, I really want to do them but their focus is 'come drink and have a good time'. Pardon me, I am very capable of having a good time without drinking, could you host a night of just painting and socializing as an alternative? Target to add drinking while shopping? Explain to me why that is even necessary.

I'm still early on this path in my life so I've still got a long way to go, but finding people whom I can share this ground with is something I very much look forward to.

Judge and Jury

This morning on my way into work I had to swing into Walgreens to pick up one thing. As I walked in the doors, two ladies behind the counter very nicely welcomed me. I grabbed my one item and got to the register where they were as I walked in. 

The cashier asked me if I had gotten my flu shot yet or recently. I informed her that I don't get flu shots. 

*gasp, I know*

She of course asked me why not, as I'm sure that's her job. As I'm getting to my wallet I simply said it was for personal reasons. 

The air quickly left the room for the second woman standing there, a manager I believe. So the cashier says, "Oh, no reason". I corrected her and said that I said it was for personal reasons to which she countered with, "then I won't ask". I gave a light chuckle and said that I would be late for work if we discussed it. 

Here's where my issues is. I have a very good feeling that those ladies very quickly classified me as an anti-vaxer. While that's not something I'll get into in this blog, it does bother me that people are so quick to be the Judge and jury for people whom simply keep encounters short and cordial. 

My reasons for not getting the flu shot are of many, but none are about being an anti-vaxer. I've seen so many close to me for many different reasons get the flu shot every year, and every year they get sick. Not just flu or cold sick, but upper respiratory, nearly hospitalized, sick. Also, I quite like having the flu. Twisted I know but I'd take that any day over a head cold. As an optional measure of precaution, I would rather just not get a flu shot. Plus I haven't had the flu in 9-10 years so I'm okay going against the grain. 

I don't like labels, I don't like being classified, and I don't like being boxed in. So the next time someone is being polite yet trying to get to their job on time, please be careful of your judgements. 

We All Bleed Red

I will be the first to admit that I am not very politically educated. Which is only a choice of my own and not something that I need to be scolded for. I am however making up for my past by bettering my future. However, I cannot seem to get into a conversation with people whom have the mentality that if France had gotten involved when the US went to war with the Taliban, we wouldn't be here. It's almost victim shaming, and frankly it's embarrassing that anyone would say it.

As a country in 2001 we didn't think Bush was doing the right thing, in hindsight, he did exactly what he should have done to defend this country. As far as France's decision to not get involved, at the time, they thought it was the best decision for them. I do not believe that what happened to them two nights ago, wouldn't have happened if they had come to our defense. It probably would have happened regardless. Although France denounced our decisions to go to war, they hurt with us; they felt our devastation and they mourned with us as we figured out how to overcome. Now we must do the same for them. And if they need us to back them in eradicating the evil, we should be there to do so. Even though we proved we wouldn't stand to be attacked, we are still at risk of it happening again, more often than we'd like to give notice to.

While we now have mutual pain to share with France, we cannot deny them our help when they need it. Doing so isn't how we should respond as humanity hurts. We need to come together and help those that hurt and defend those that are being attacked. Just as at home we have Anti-Bullying going on, the same holds true for this planet; we all have homes and families, and when the chips are stacked, no one wants to feel alone.

I had a conversation with a friend in France tonight and there's even more I didn't know that was going on, however she was grateful for the compassion and support that is being sent their way. We need to continue to do that, and we need to continue to work diligently on protecting and bettering humanity, because that's what this is, an attack on humanity and it cannot be tolerated.

This picture is exactly where we are as a whole, as a planet, and as humanity.

Fixing Tomorrow

In recent events, the internet was swamped with a debate over a cup some corporate company put out. I stayed as far away from that nonsense as possible. The ignorance that was spewing over a cup was intolerable. The simple fact that anyone feels they should get the religious foundation out of something they're just going to discard anyway, is just stupid to put it simply. If you want to hold firm to your beliefs and if you want God to be in your life, only you can put him there. Your heads are so far up your butts, you've lost focus of reality.

And then Paris happened.

I'm starting to feel like terrorists are like spoiled children. If you think about it, they certainly act very much the same. They feel entitled, they act like complete brats who destroy things to get attention, and then that's just what we give them, the attention they want. I'm sure it's also the way we handle them, with such kid gloves. Take no mercy on those who feel that they can walk into anyone's home country and destroy it. Trying to make a statement, trying to install fear into other countries, and trying to get the world to focus on them is pathetic. Absolutely shut down the borders, absolutely storm their country and hunt them down, absolutely execute them on site. I support our military and I know when it come to a head, many men and women will do what they need to to protect the USA and any other country that is being threatened without cause. I can't understand that when the terrorists attack our Presidents puts on kid gloves and has the "let's not point fingers" attitude. Absolutely point fingers, especially when they're standing in front of the world saying it's them, when they tell you who will be their next target. Refuse entrance into our country and go after the wicked in the world, do not coexist with it.

I have friends in Paris and I'll never be more grateful than for them being able to check in safe on Facebook. 

When the US was attacked in 2001, we went on the defense immediately. We went to war, we defended ourselves, and we went after the responsible parties. We didn't stop until we made it clear that we will not be victims and we will not tolerate being bullied in our country. There may have been a lot to disagree with when President G.W. Bush was in office, but there's so much more to disagree with when it comes to Obama. He should have never been allowed to be voted in. The country is warped on the idea of popularity and not on the power of knowledge. I personally don't think anyone should be allowed to run for Presidency who hasn't served in the military. It should be a rule as much as being a citizen, although that prerequisite seems to be fading as well. Obama seems like a nice enough guy, but to be the leader of the free world, he doesn't have what it takes.

Go back to the basics. In God We Trust. Put religion back into focus everywhere, it's where our country started. If you or anyone doesn't like it, the planet is a very big place and I'm sure you could find somewhere to rest your head other than here. Support our military, regardless if you disagree because at the end of the day, they give you the power to do just that and disagree. We could have militants who execute you for having an opinion, that is an option. And damn it! Where is the Pledge of Allegiance?! I understand that as a child and being naive to things was they way it was but we're adults. Get educated, get empowered, and take a stand. Terrorist attacks or shootings in our backyards, enough has got to be enough already!

Wait for it

For years I've cried more than any one human should over the frustrations of my circumstances with Don. I've begged and pleaded with God to intervene. When it kept going, I only asked God to soften Don's heart. When it kept going, I asked God to soften my heart but strengthen my spirit. 

When you're not looking, is when God appears. Something has been slowly developing and while I hadn't said anything and have been trying to navigate it alone, Don caught wind of the situation and for the first time ever, Don and I agree on something and are on the same page with parenting. 

I take it for what it is. I won't expect it to stay but I'm grateful that after 11 years, there is some hope in knowing it is possible. 

Tonight I have tears of relief. It's been 4 days, but you have to start somewhere. 

The Lord my God never fails. 

You be mean, I'll be kind

I think it is great for younger generations to have a zero tolerance policy on bullying, especially since it's gone from mostly happening in the schoolyard to social media, cell phones, and everything in between. I vividly remember being bullied as a kid, while in private school. I also remember my best friend being bullied. It sucked, but holding on to the fact that once I went home, I'd only have to deal with it the next day at school. Kids now, it's almost impossible to escape a bully which leads to intense depression and ultimately, unfortunately, in some cases, kids taking their own lives because they don't know how else to escape it. 

My issue is, what do you do as an adult, when another adult or multiple adults, are bullying you? Who stands up for you? Who makes it stop? In your 30's, suicide can't be the only way out; at least I hope that's not the only resolution. 

Most of you know the gist of my story. No one knows the whole thing, and that's mostly because no one can withstand the length of time it takes to fill in all the details. I hope for my sake, to start a book, even if it's just for myself, on being bullied as an adult. 

I left Delila's father when she was 8 months old. We had Delila together and he had a son whom after being born, we found out was his; he's 10 months older than Delila. Dating, I always knew he was a hot head, however, people change or can change when they have kids. He unfortunately did not. 

 

I grew resentful when Delila was hospitalized for 5 days at 3 months old for continual vomiting which led to her losing weight. I stayed by her side, every minute. I wouldn't even use the bathroom without leaving the door open in her hospital room. Her dad continued to go to work and would come by for a little bit at night then go home. I did address it with him after a couple days and his response was that someone had to work. My heart broke. Some for myself, more for Delila. I couldn't understand not putting your child first when she was so sick with no known cause. 

The night I knew I had to leave was in June of 2005. Something was wrong with the vacuum and he, being a mechanic started to look at it and take it apart. His 18 month old sat next to him, and I stood watching with Delila cradled in my arms. The situation went from zero to sixty very quickly. He couldn't get the hose off the vacuum and it enraged him. He started ripping at the hose and yelling about throwing it in the front yard. I seriously questioned the situation with him because it was ridiculous. In that moment, I knew. I knew that if someone could fly off the handle over a vacuum, my future of living under the same roof as him would be bad for me, but horrible for Delila. So one day he left for work, and I gathered our stuff and left. In that moment of driving away, I sealed my fate, to always, probably for the rest of one of our lives, to be his punching bag, to endure his rage, to listen to his abusive tongue; to be stalked and spied on, and to never -ever- find a way out of it. 

In the years to follow, I did my best to protect myself because I lived in fear. On a daily basis I didn't know what would happen. I lived by and made sure those closest to me knew, that if something every happened to me, even by "accident" that he was absolutely behind it. I had him arrested, several times. Harassing phone calls, standing outside my house, looking in my windows, following me; I even had to get a restraining order on him because he threatened my life and those around me. I had hard, physical proof, always, and so this went on for years. 

The restraining order was good, but once it was lifted, he figured out how to harass me, just never to the point where it was enough to get in serious trouble. Now the cops, judges, or attorneys just give him a slap on the hand. Which does absolutely nothing, of course, nothing really did much. He had even violated the restraining order when it was in place. 

So here we are. 10 years later, I'm 32 - he's 36, and everything you just read above about his behavior is still going on. Except now. No one hears my frustrations, no one sees my tears, it's all old news and exhausting for the outside world. For me, for Delila, we live with it. Every day. He has people spy on my social media. He knows when I mow the lawn or who mows it for me. He pumps lies into Delila's head about me, that I'll kidnap her, that I use pipes and needles, that I break her bones when she gets hurt, that I want her to fail, that I don't love her; his hatred is endless. 

The only thing worse than him, is someone else, much like him on his side to back him and to come at me at times he isn't. His mother. 

One would think that after a 1.5 year court battle, to which he finally got 50/50 custody instead of me having sole, things would be better. Things only feel like they're getting worse. And still, it's only me. Only me to process the pain and frustrations, only me to stay strong, only me to hope, pray, and guide my daughter to know that people aren't this way, that men shouldn't treat women like this, and that it's so incredibly important to be kind to people in life. Even if they're mean to you. 

Below is an email I put together to the GAL from our recent court case. I'm sure he'll never read it, and I'm even more sure that nothing will be done about it, but I needed it documented somehow. I needed someone to know that I'm not okay living like this and neither is Delila. 

Mr. Blake,

 

I want you to be aware of some situations that have been going on. Only because it’s in my best interest to somehow have them documented.

 

On 10/20/2015 I picked up Delila, after work at Debbie Baker’s house. I had called Delila to tell her that I was on my way and would be there shortly. When I arrived, Don was there so I stayed in my vehicle and honked for Delila. Don then told Delila that if I came there again and honked he would punch me in the face.

 

Yesterday, on 10/28/2015, I picked up Delila from Debbie Baker’s house after work. Both Don and Debbie are harassing me with texts, phone calls, voicemails, and emails regarding paying her $10 per day to pick up Delila on my days. I used the Wizard to tell Don that I would pay his mom $10 a week since I know personally when I drive 45 minutes to and from her school, it doesn’t take $10 per day and Debbie Baker lives closer to the school then I do.

 

Yesterday before I picked up Delila, I stopped and got Debbie a $25 gas card. When I got there, Debbie followed Delila out to the vehicle; Delila handed her the envelope with the gas card in it and got in the car and shut the door. Debbie opened the envelope, then proceeded to open my car door and yell at me about how she wants $40 and I only gave her $25. I repeatedly asked her to close my car door as I had somewhere to be. She refused and continued to yell at me and demanding more money. I kept asking her to close the door, and because Delila sat in the car and Debbie was yelling at me with Delila between us, Delila was trying to push her away and was also asking her to go away and close the door. I pumped the brake so the car moved slightly but not from position, which further angered Debbie. She then leaned into my car, pointing her finger at me, leaning over Delila, and continued to yell at me. Both Delila and I continued to ask her to close the door. After 15 minutes, I was finally able to leave.

 

Debbie has also been contacting my extended family via Facebook trying to involve them and requesting that they tell me what and when to pay her.

 

Don then text me last night and told me his mom would no longer pick Delila up from school on the days I work and can’t pick up from school. Then he text Delila to tell her that Debbie would pick her up if she needed; causing unnecessary confusion. Don, Debbie, and Don’s girlfriend Liz (who recently moved out again and left him but again moved back in), proceeded to call and text Delila all night but she didn’t want to speak to any of them and as of this morning expresses that she doesn’t want to go over there. Which is okay until his visitation starts tomorrow and then she will go. Last night I did use the Wizard and let Don know that Delila did have her phone and was okay but didn’t want to speak. 

 

I feel like when I talk about it, I become a victim to people and that they pity me. I don't like that. I also feel quite weak and whiny for talking about it. A common phrase from others is, "I don't know how you do it", my response is always, "What other choice do I have?" Life can be challenging, but when people are continually standing behind you, telling you or your child how worthless you are and making up complete lies about you, you begin to wonder what's the best way out of the situation.

 

Framing Our Pain

Getting a handle on grief is like trying to hold on to a stick of butter on a hot summer day. Try as you might, you'll never be able to figure out how to keep it from getting all over the place and making a mess of anything around you. Go ahead, wash your hands. It feels like an endless task that only when you think you're good, you go to grab something that slips from your hand and you realize the residue is still there. That's what happens when you're grieving and you're good, move forward, and drop the grip of goodness because grief's ugly face is still staring right back at you.

Grieving is not a new and developing emotion. We'll probably never know where or when it first happened. Or maybe we do, my Bible scholars. (much love) Everyone, every single person hasn't had a grieving experience just once but probably handfuls of times over and over. What's different is that not only is each grief different because of the connection to the persons we lose or the situation surrounding the death, but grief likes to compound itself. Piling one event on top of the other, death after death, weighing on us while we're still trying to deal with the first one from the age of 8, we're all the sudden finding ourselves dealing with the one from when we were 30 and every single one in between.

That's just one person, one life, and one story. Then you bring in the rest, the news and the grotesque world that we live in. Children playing in their yards, students going to the movies, teachers trying to teach a new generation, and people just doing their jobs trying to protect people who think they have all the solutions; dying. Dying every single day, to no fault of their own, other than that they were just there. We have our stories, our individual lives we're trying to cope with, and then for the empathetic ones, we feel the pain and the grief for those that have to lose, and lose on a highly publicized level.

How is it that grief can take its long and unforgiving fingers and wrap it around our lives without ever letting go. To rebuild your soul, to learn to feel and love again, to trust that life won't end before you fully get to engulf it with your love is laborious, to say the least.

There are apparently five stages to grief; denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. What no one ever tells you, whether it's your first loss or your most significant loss, is that sometimes, if not all the time, those five stages can occur all at the same time. The same time, and for as long as they please. Even if you let them go, put them down, move on; it's not at all your choice because it's grief's choice as to when it will let you go and when it will let you move on.

It's a vortex of five stages that I champion those who quickly find the life raft out of it. For those that are haunted by it, and thrown around in it every single day, you're not alone. It's just people don't want to stand there and say they're stuck somewhere in between either one, several, or all five stages in a stare down with their grieving process and it's a shell that encompasses them.

The 'C' word

I laugh at most vulgar words, it's kind of just a twisted sense of humor I have. I think that if you take the power away from any inappropriate word, it no longer has the same effect nor meaning. Moist, I don't understand the big deal about this word. Are you that filthy of a human being that you can't just use the word without feeling dirty from it? Panties, I've heard this one pop up as bothersome too for people, I just don't know why. That is what women wear after all, or don't, to each their own. Let's also not forget the vast list of derogatory names that are thrown around that should make us all cringe if we are even the least bit of a decent human being. The 'F' word for the homosexual community makes me physically sick when I hear it; whether meant to be mean or used out of ignorance, I hate it. Don't use it, educate yourself with a better vocabulary.

So then there's my dreaded 'C' word that I can't stand. I say "my" because lately it's been used towards me more than once so now I have to address it. It throws me against a wall and frustrates me beyond words. Most the time, I can't even compose myself enough to even give back an appropriate response which isn't like me.  I know I can't be the only one I know that has had people use it in such a sharp tongued manner, I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to not be offended by it, how to take the power out of it, and ultimately how to respond to it. Alright, hold tight because we're diving right in.

If you know me, know anything about me or have been paying the least bit attention, you know I'm not talking about the word 'c*nt' - see, I can be nice for those of you that can't stand that 'C' word. That 'C' word makes me laugh, it's that twisted sense of humor. I laugh because people, men especially, will jump to that word so quick because they want to cut through you like a knife. If you respond with, "Yes! I love that word!", there goes the power, it shuts down men (and women) because there's not usually anything deeper than that word.

My 'C' word is convert. When I ask people to come to church, when I talk about the goodness Christianity could bring to a friend's soul, when I talk about sharing God with family, they always come back with that stupid word of convert.

"I'm not going to convert or anything." - "What if you try to convert them or us?" - "Are you asking me to convert?"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am very clear on the definition of the word convert, however when you say it, it's like you're saying it with such disgust; like I just asked you to lick a cow on a 90 degree day.

For me, being a Christian is a choice I make, a choice that puts my restless and weary soul at rest, a choice that helps me carry on with days that I know I am a sinner and feel less than worthy, a choice that makes me feel safe, gives me confidence to make smarter decisions, a choice that ultimately makes me happy, and a choice that helps me forgive myself for the wicked past that I try to leave behind. I do not like it when you make me feel wrong for being a Christ follower, for sharing the Word of God, or for believing that there is one true God who is very clearly written throughout the Bible and not throughout bylaws of organized religions. If you attend a church that does not accept someone into their faith without rules, regulations, and bylaws, how do you not see that as being an issue? The church I attend may be a 40 minute drive for me, but I'm home when I'm there, and I know that when I bring someone with me, they're welcomed with open arms and wouldn't be shut out.

My mission isn't to convert anyone, my mission is simply to be able to enjoy my desire to talk about God, to worship God, and to share God. And recently my heart was broken when I was made to feel like I was wrong for believing in the one God who created us all. If while I am sharing my love and joy for the Lord, you find your way there too, my heart will beat ten fold for you. Recently my faith and religion was publicly shamed and brought me to tears, but I'll never forget one very defining moment in my life. My dad, who never really attended church with us, who I have always prayed for, who I never knew where he really stood in his heart with God reminded me while I stood there trying to suppress tears, there is only one God.

Watch me whip .... this party into shape

After Delila's 10th birthday party, I told her we probably weren't doing them anymore because I usually always exceed any budget I set for myself, no matter how much I try to tell myself I'm not going to. I can't help it, I'm a party planning extraordinaire and my ideas flow endlessly. Every year is a theme, and every thing surrounds the theme, from outfits, to food, decorations, gifts, down to the card and wrapping paper I use; and the budget is enough to be considered stupid, and the cake, the cake is the show piece. It's kind of gross how excited I get when someone lets me pick out a cake design.

Prior years, I would start planning for the next year's birthday the days following what birthday had just passed. But I hadn't done that for this upcoming birthday. I didn't want to do a party, I had hoped I could replace a single life moment with several more memorable ones. I've done some fantastic things for her in the last year, two of which was a week road trip out east along side a last minute, over spent, concert she was just "dying" to go to, signed poster and all. She's went to her first Blackhawks game and I drove her to Milwaukee for an Ariana Grande concert she wanted to see. Moments. Moments I hope she loves as much as I have.

So where are we?

We are two weeks away from another birthday, another year behind us (thank goodness because it's had a lot of lows for us), but more importantly heading into another year together ahead of us. And she wants a party. I have learned as she's gotten older to down scale the guest list, which helps, plus as she gets older, now that she's a tween, there's less for the family to do and more for her to do with her friends. All the fault to my own, since I haven't been planning for the last year, I'm putting together a party in less than two weeks time. Fear not, because if you remember from above, I'm a party planning extraordinaire.

I'm not giving out details as to what is going on for it yet, although I will say that this year is slightly less about the party and more about the gifts; that's where I'm putting my heart into this year. I just hope that as my daughter ventures deeper and deeper into the dark side of tween-age and teenage years, she holds tight to the times Mom made her smile vs the times Mom took away her cell phone. I have endured hell for her, I would move mountains for her, and I know she's in a spot in life right now where I'm not a shining star for her, but nothing and no one, can ever take away the love, admiration, and devotion I have for her. She is my one, my only, my absolute beginning and end.

Sorry, I'm at capacity for friendships

I was having a relationship conversation with my cousin today when he said something that I know I've heard before, it's just as I get older it seems more questionable. He said that if he was dating or talking to a girl and she decided that she just wanted to be friends with him, he would tell her no thanks because he has enough friends. I then started to quickly inventory the guys I've said this to and wondered how much of a jerk they thought I was. Even though I really do want to be friends with them. Can you really be at the capacity for friendships?

As my mother would say, I've dated more men then she can count. (Yeah, thanks "mother") Which is true because I don't usually stick around for garbage behavior, I won't allow anyone to cheat on me, and I also will not chase after love that just isn't there. With that being said, at 32, I know exactly what I want, don't want, will accept as quirks, and what I just won't compromise on. I will not date someone who isn't a Christian, who I can't go to church with, talk about God with, grow spiritually with, or have any type of religious conversation with. I won't do it. So when I meet a great guy, my first thought is 'Is this someone I can be friends with?' and then I wonder if there's chemistry. I recently went on several dates with a guy and spent some real time with him; we get along really well and find humor in pretty much most similar things, I started to notice a slight breakdown in communication. But the one occasion that stuck out was a conversation we had about religion, I was telling him about some things that were going on and I was hurt by jokes that were being made at the expense of religion itself. It was one of those disappointing hurts because you had hoped for something different. For being a little sensitive about passions he had, I felt like mine were being mocked.

So I tried to very kindly to say that I really enjoyed time with him but I felt like we might be better off friends. After a few days, we revisited the reasons why. I am not dishonest in who I am or how I feel. We still talk, I still want to hang out, but I date to marry and I can't date nor marry someone who doesn't share my beliefs. So then after my cousin's comments, I wondered, do men view the friendship card differently than women? Can anyone really be at the capacity for friendships or are we just too lazy to cultivate new ones? I, personally, couldn't have too many friends. In fact I don't have enough in life. Each person I know, I can find at least one positive thing about them that they bring to my life. I think that if the guys I've chosen to be friends with decided not to be, I would be disappointed because they are great guys, but it's their decision and I know that they would miss out on at least the one great thing I could bring to their lives.

Be friends people. Be friends, especially to your spouses and save the money on divorces or Ashley Madison accounts. To WANT to come home to someone who you can talk to and share your day with is amazing. I've had glimmers of it, and frankly some of you take each other for grated. Life isn't all glitter dust when you're single in your 30's. Let me tell you about the cheating ex I gave a second chance to, only to find out he ghosted me.... another time. And be kind, always. Someone very close to me has been continually mean to the point they publicly humiliated me and brought me to tears.

Be kind. Be friends. Remember, our kids have to grow up in this world. Romans 12:9, my loves, Romans 12:9.

Guys, When You

• When you, ask me out and then start a serious relationship in the same week - you make me feel like garbage.
• When you, are dating but text me to flirt, sext, and/or whatever you thought might happen - you make me feel like the other woman. Trash to be exact.
• When you, are "happily married" but you tell me that if you weren't you'd marry me - you make me feel like I'm just never good enough. 
• When you, were my friend first, before your girl cheated on you, but stopped talking to me because now she's the insecure one - you make me heartbroken for the past. 
• When you, repeatedly attempt to flirt with me and I don't play along, then allow your woman to attack me like I did something - you make me feel like I never knew who you really were. 
• When you, pop up when I'm in a relationship and act like I'd actually come back to you and your lies and cheating ways - you make me annoyed.  
• When you, use me for an ego boost and then disappear for months - you make me empowered to never do it again.
• When you, have to hide your messages from your girl - you make me relieved that I wasn't the one who ended up with you.
• When you, express how unhappy you are with her because she treats you terrible - you make me shrug my shoulders because you're the one who stays.
• When you, compare her to me and express your wishes - you make me confirmed that I've made the right decisions by not settling. 

Date with the intent to marry.

Date without sacrificing your morals. 

God needs to be first in your life and your relationships or all of the above with forever be your life. But it won't be mine.

I will not date a man who does not have God as a priority. No exceptions, I just won't do it again. It doesn't end well for my soul nor my heart. 

For all the negative ways guys have made me feel thru the above experiences, I've actually put a stop to it some time ago. 95% of women are all the same. No matter how gross I look, no matter how much I prove that I don't play into their guys fantasies or desires, no matter how much I remain platonic, I will always be the blonde hair, blue eye, flashy smile, girl that makes them wonder if I really am the other woman or not. I've even been in group settings where I am just conversant with a guy because he happened to be seated next to me at an event and his woman was so threatened that she was sure to pee in a circle around him and claim her property. I feel sorry for her, for you.

I'm not your run to fantasy. I'm not your old familiar flavor. I'm not a piece of meat. I get it, I was a lot more fun when I drank, but in my sobriety I've found peace, I've found myself, I've found I am an amazing woman to be with and it is in fact you who is missing out.

Ladies, I am sorry for these are your guys. I am sorry because I've been you, I've been with that guy who dates me but does all this behind me. I am sorry but know, I am not your enemy.


My verse for this blog is Joel 2:25

Rage Against the Jean

If it has to do with Don, it has to make you say WTF.

I don't ever like to discuss him anymore because it's a waste of my time and energy, but you know there are always those jaw dropping moments that I just have to share because the ignorance behind them renders me almost speechless.



Let's start at the beginning of today.

My mind has been with my family today. We're Stuber's so you know, we're okay, we're always okay. We could be staring at death and we're fine. Just let us go home and be about our business. We're stubborn. That's all, just stubborn and tough. We're German, what else do you expect from us. So my Uncle has a heart attack this morning. It's the fourth time he's had chest pains like this except this time he threw up. So eh, probably should go get it checked out. Ahhhhhh!! I can't do this right now. My whole family is "fine" and that's all I say and that's all they say and it's not fine. None of it is fine. I'm suffocating in thoughts, thoughts of Jeremy, thoughts of how deep down my Aunt has got to be scared and his kids, and now he has a brand new grandson. I saw my Dad today, I mean I had talked to him on the phone but people hear me out, you do not even know the slightest of what someone feels or thinks over the phone, in text, or behind your computer. Get face to face. DO IT. I saw my Dad, his face said everything his words weren't. Me, I don't even want to leave my room because then someone might see in my face and eyes what my words aren't saying.

Sometimes the world just stops for a while. 

So this afternoon I get a text from Delila. Here's snip-it for you.

Now, I don't entirely blame my daughter for asking for something that cost $500, she's always gotten some pretty spot on gifts from me and I've always made an enormous deal out of her birthday. Her life will always be celebrated, but as she gets older, I'd like for her to start realizing not only the concept of money, but the situations surrounding her. Ew, have I really sheltered her too much?! So that text conversation was brief but I just heard from her again about it. 1. I have no idea what that thing even is & 2. I have been working on other things and haven't investigated it. So she asks me again for it, she asks me to use my child support for it. I asked her if she asked her dad for one and she did. He told her to spend her child support money on something she wants.

Yes. Here comes the ignorant part. Here's his blast. Here's the truth.

Last year Don made just shy of $95,000 for the year. Yeah, read that again. That's what he filed for on taxes. He then usually gets back a refund between 6-8,000 when he files taxes. 

I am the only one he pays child support to.

He brings home about $800 per week (give or take). That's if he doesn't work overtime which is time and a half, which he usually does work. 

He makes more in one week than I receive in a whole month of child support.

He recently got my child support cut in half from the increase I got in October after not asking for an increase in 6 years previous to that. 


 Now, money these days does not rule my world. In fact it's the last thing on the list of things I care about, which is frankly driving my family crazy; maybe it's time to be a gypsy. But when one parent is so far above the other financially, why in the world would you tell the child to ask for expensive gifts from the less financially off parent? I'll tell you why.

Even when I was in Accounting and making decent money, Don always did this 'one up' game with me. He would always try to buy the bigger, better gifts. At the end, my daughter knows who is buying her off and who is raising her. But Don is still out to prove to Delila that I am a "deadbeat" as he loves to call me.

All of this is fine. There's that word again, 'fine'. It really is fine because in 10 years, I've given my daughter what he hasn't. Love, support, encouragement, and memories. Buying her love only lasts for the moment he has her, after that, what's left between him and her?

Keep doing you Don, I'll keep doing me. You have zero impact on my life anymore.

A lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of a sheep.

Convert to Kindness

It's becoming more and more of a frequent event that my Christianity is being called into question. It's mostly by people I know which further perplexes me and my relationships with them. In a previous blog I hit on the mark that over and over again I keep getting asked if something terrible happened to me that made me choose God, which is not the case. Yet it seems to go even further than that. 

I was born, raised, baptized, and holy communion'd my way in the Catholic Church. I went to 10 years of schooling via Catholicism. Somewhere towards the end of my elementary years my mother decided to convert to Presbyterian. What is further coming in this blog are my experiences throughout my life that has lead me to be a Christian. 

Catholicism has some very specific rules. Actual rules, like a country club (a very twisted country club), that if you do not follow, you cannot be a part of their religion. Even further than that, if you say you will follow their rules and then defy them, that's okay too, divorce, wedlock, birth control, never really attending mass; it seems like you just have to lie your way into Catholicism. Is it really okay for an organized religion to tell you that you aren't worthy enough of their love or acceptance simply because you won't follow their rules?

When we started attending a Presbyterian church, I saw the true depth of wickedness within the Catholic religion as they threw up arms over going to a different church but still attending their private school. In the end, so long as my parents paid tuition, that's all that really mattered, not that children were still learning about Christ and his teachings. The Presbyterian church felt more welcoming to me as a child. I met some amazing, kind, full of life and love, accepting, and Christ followers in that church. I even went on to work in the office for a few years. It was also the church camp through this Presbyterian church that actually saved my life when no one else was there. But alas, as that church started to change, I found myself drifting away. But compare the two experiences in my life, the people and events I experienced through the Presbyterian church were much kinder and loving than all those years as a Catholic. 

I now, very happily, attend Christ Community Church. Our Pastor, Jim Nicodem, is one of the best Pastors I've ever had the pleasure of listening to. He's very forward, honest, kind, and direct in his teachings. We at CCC are accepting, loving, faithful followers of Christ and his teachings. Our church isn't about shutting people out, or forcing people to lie to the church. We ask that you love and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior into your life and your heart, and that you follow the teachings of the Bible. It's pretty simple; be kind, love, accept, and forgive. 

When people come to me and are very devoted to Catholicism, I look at them. Who they are at their core, and what exactly their life has entailed and where their life is going. And usually I'm dumbfounded by things that further come out of their mouths. I am always inviting people to church with me, because it's a place I find happiness, peace, and joy, and my heart desires to share that with people. But when people come to me and say they don't want to "convert", I'm always digging to find out what exactly they think they would have to convert to. 

Re read the definition of a Christian. 

There was never anything that I asked anyone to convert to. Going to a non denominational church with a Christian isn't converting to anything. It's simply going to church to praise and worship God. However, have you noticed that in order to marry or baptize in a Catholic or Presbyterian church, you have to actually convert to their religion?! 

So next time you step on my love for the Lord, think about how I'm kind to even the most wicked in my life, how I forgive the betrayal and the wicked tongues of others, how I give when I know I can't, how I love endlessly, and how I've worked tirelessly and continue to, to repent my sins for the Lord's forgiveness. Before you put all your eggs into one basket, reflect on what you're really standing up for, because at the end of the day, it may be some distasteful things. And remember, never push away people who love you, because love is a precious thing that when given is a true gift to our lives. 

Let me leave you with this. 

The Friday Flip

Oh, you killed 4 of our Marines on U.S. soil?

Stand there for a just a second while I put a bullet in your head.

No, literally, kill him; there's no need for a trial or a jury or a waste of anyone's time and money. Just kill him. While you're at it, line up the rest of the garbage in the prisons and have a firing squad all day. I have and always will believe in capital punishment. Especially for those that think they can just kill people, plead insanity, and then suck money out of the pockets of the American people while they just live out their lives in prison. The guy who shot up the Aurora, CO theater, kill him too. He first very much admitted to doing it, then he wants to plead insanity. No sir, it doesn't work like that. You're an A-hole and you killed people for no reason other than you're an A-hole, you should die. What good could you possibly bring into the world at any point in the future?

Would you like Vodka with your Holy Water?

90 days ago I decided to give up drinking permanently. I also chose to stop being so shy about my relationship with God and really focus my attention on Him, his plan, and his path. I tried for over a year to "cut down" and quit drinking but frankly, my mind is usually an all or nothing kind of space. My life or my thoughts have been presently in a spot of questioning my sobriety and thinking about what a sip would taste like after all this time but so far, I've got my third chip. My next chip isn't till October so these next few months should be interesting, aka challenging. (I can add anyone as an accountability partner via your email address if you'd like to, you know, be there for me.)

Being an alcoholic is in my blood, so is being an addict, but just because it's there, doesn't mean that I have to feed it. Would you feed a skunk just because it kept coming up to your back door? I was in a two year relationship with an alcoholic when my brother died and I was friends with and surrounded by people who drank all the time, so drinking was fun, easy, and yeah I enjoyed it and it was never something I thought I needed to walk away from. After Jeremy died, it was no longer something I just did socially. I would sit at home most nights, alone with all the lights off except a dim one, and just sit and drink by myself. Scotch mostly. During the day it was always casual beer drinking but behind the curtain, there was more. I'll never be able to adequately put into words what losing Jeremy did to me. When the only person you connected to, loved, trusted, were protected by, understood, and lived for is gone, so are you. Over two years later, and there are still things I have to do or places I go that I despise because he's not there. No one protects me anymore which has led me to be pretty freaking stone like, and there's no one I can call to help me do things that will always be there. So when his one year death anniversary came around on 2/13/14 things were rough. For a year I couldn't sleep through the night because I feared I would die in my sleep (I still have trouble sleeping), my relationship ended a week before the death-iversary and he informed me that he wanted to take a new girl he was interested in out for Valentine's Day to OUR reservations, and my closest friend wasn't speaking to me due to a guy she was dating. Oh and did I also mention my birthday happens to be 2/21 in the mix of everything. Every February 13th I try my best to just live in the happy memories I got to build with him, as I do for his birthday and the day I finally put his ashes to rest, but the 14th are always days I feel like I'll never make it through.

So I put my foot down and decided to quit, cold turkey, same as I did with cigarettes in 2009. Suck it up buttercup, no time to be weak. I wasn't going to let my life or my pain be corrupted by a crutch that was ultimately bringing negativity into my life. And in 90 days I've learned some things, a few new things about myself but a lot about everyone else. I do think for all that I've learned, the number one thing that tops my list of frustration is when someone knows that I'm a Christian on top of not drinking, their first question is "Did some life altering event happen that made you choose God?" Let me break down a few things;

• I was born and raised in the church. I know who God is, I've always known who God is, and I always will. My faith is the most important thing to me. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for God and the relationship I have with him. 
• I am not in group meetings nor am I in AA, I never said I was. I use an app on my phone that gives me chips. If I can't hold myself accountable than I don't know how anyone else could. 
• If you're uncomfortable drinking in front of me, than you need to do some soul searching. If it's a problem for me, then I know how to excuse myself or speak up. 
• Please, for all that is good and holy, do not try to justify your drinking to me or try to downsize how much you actually do it. Have you forgotten that we're friends? I know you. 
• Also, please don't go on and on about how you know you need to cut down or stop, talk is cheap. Actually it's the cheapest thing around. If you want to stop, do it. If you want my support, I'll be there. But I don't need the fake commentary about wishful thinking or what you think will make me feel more comfortable around you. 
• If you can extend an invite for me to come to the bars, then I can extend an invite for you to come to church. We're friends, it's our differences that give us things to talk about. You're never obligated to accept my invitation, but that doesn't mean I'll stop asking. Plus I tell you no to your bar hopping. xxoo!
• I love you even if you're an Atheist. However, do not think for one second that it is okay to disrespect me for being a Christian. 
• Yes, I do think about drinking, almost all the time, so when you are obnoxious with it in my face or just drunk, it frustrates me because it's tempting me. 
• Don't say you could never do what I do, because you could. I know you could, and if you felt like you couldn't, at least you would have me in your corner to support you. 

Disclaimer: This was a little, or a lot, scatter brained so I apologize. I know there are more thoughts on the subject of being a Christian and choosing not to drink these are just the ones I could format. Hopefully soon I can find a quiet place in the country to sit and blog instead of doing these in pieces. #singlemomstatus 

For the love of money!

If it really came down to it, between Love and Money, which would be more important to you? I know love may seem like a good default answer, but would you leave your job even if it paid 250,000 a year to pursue love? Think about that for a minute.

I posted this to Facebook which then in turn influenced a good friend of mine to post the same question to her wall for her blog. It's very interesting to see the responses, but it's more interesting in how each of us not only posed the question but also how we viewed the hypothetical situation surrounding it. I am a rather emotional person but not without a good amount of logic, the thing is that I've been on both paths, I've been down the six figure road and I've been in love. I would always and will always choose love, because for me, that makes me happy, that is what I like waking up to every morning. However, by choosing love, I am not choosing to be poor. Step one is erasing your debt and finding better alternatives than relying on cash. This whole thought also comes off the heels that I started to get back into online dating (and I'm out of it already) but if you notice, outside of the people on there trolling for sex, are all the people who work so much that they don't have time to go out and meet people. I have also noticed that as people choose money, the situations for them are that they are single or they're in relationships that I know I wouldn't personally choose to stay in for longer than five minutes.

I don't like that there's the notion that if you choose love you're also choosing to be poor. On my quest for opinions I wanted to see if anyone would choose love and follow it up with the thoughts that they would also change their lives in order to obtain it. Downsize, solar energy, growing food, whatever anyone would want to choose to not allow money to rule their world. My original discussion also came about because of many guy friends in my life that work endlessly, buy toys, and basically let money rule, yet they are so incredibly lonely and they want a girl. They post about finding girls or failing to find someone, but they won't take even the slightest step away from money. 

At the end of the day, when you're literally taking your last breath, will your memories be of love or working so you could obtain money?